Today would have been my mom's 67th birthday. My flesh wants to scream how it's entirely unfair that I didn't get to celebrate any birthdays with her past her 59th. Then my mind logically reminds me that many people don't even get to spend 30 birthdays with one or both parents. And a lot of people aren't close to their parents or don't get along with them well. And I was very fortunate to be very close to and get along amazingly with my mom. As I transitioned from childhood to adulthood, she became my best friend. She was the person I talked to every day (or almost) because I wanted to (not like many people's "dutiful" calls to parents). She was my earthy rock, my anchor, my sounding board.
Oh, don't get me wrong....she was my mom first and foremost, until the end. Even when I was her caregiver, she would let me know if she thought I was getting too big for my britches and needed to be knocked down a level or two...she had no qualms going full mom-mode to let me know. Now when I catch myself behaving in a manner or pulling an attitude she wouldn't have approved, I can hear her voice, "Listen here, little girl...." When my mom called us "baby girl", it was always out of sweetness - something nice was to follow. But when she called us "little girl"...well, let's just say it had an edge to it. And you probably weren't going to enjoy what followed. lol But I know it was out of her love for me, her desire to see me become who God intended me to be. She loved me too much to let me start down or stay on a wrong path.
Today, I got good news. And, like every time I get good news, the first person I wanted to share the news with was my mom. Oh, I called and messaged a few people. But almost all were super busy, life is hectic for all of us. And you only get a few people that will drop everything to celebrate with you like your momma. And knowing it was her birthday caused it to sting a big more. So, I missed her today...
And I told God about it. I told Him it's not fair. I told Him that I was angry that He didn't heal her. And that she died. And I cried, like mean, ugly cried. (There are less than a handful of people that have seen me do this in person and not a whole lot more that I've ever admitted it to...just because it's not a usual response for me, and I'm not normally inclined to share when it is.) And then everything took a turn south. I told Him of my anger about being here all alone. I followed His voice and said no to relationships that most likely would have ended in marriage....only to be almost 38 and still single. He sent spouses to all of my close friends and they left. I've made new friends, but they have other, older, closer friends. He'd left me here all alone...I'm nobody's first thought in the morning, nobody's first call to share news. And I told Him I didn't appreciate it!
And God was, as He always is, a patient Father. He didn't leave. When I was done, He didn't scold me, He didn't punish me. He let me feel His arms wrapped around me. He calmed my spirit. He gently reminded me of the truth I've shared with others...that "fair" isn't what we really want..."fair" is punishment for our sins - eternal separation from God. He reminded me that He had given me to an amazing mother. He reminded me that we live in a fallen world, a world where sickness and disease are a reality...and that I'm beyond thankful she's not suffering or in pain anymore. He reminded me that He did heal Mom, just not in the way my heart desired. He reminded me that this life is "but a vapor" and I'm almost 38 -- quite possibly at the half of a vapor mark myself. In the grand scheme of eternity, we all only have a few seconds on this earth. He never promised us how long we'd have, but He promises to never leave us. And I know that He's never left me. Then He reminded me that if my mom were here & I was crying to her about all of these things, she would probably give me a "baby girl/little girl" combo. lol "It's OK, baby girl, you're gonna make it, you're strong and God will give you His strength." Followed by, "Now, listen here, little girl, it's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start being thankful for what God's blessed you with!"
And then I giggled, and my eyes leaked some thankful tears. Thankful for His great love for me. Thankful that He doesn't leave me, that He listens to me - yelling and all. Thankful that He's so patient with me. Thankful that I could imagine what my mom's response would be. Thankful that I am truly happy she's not in pain. Thankful that I know on the day I see Him face to face, I'll also see my sweet, feisty momma!
Showing posts with label heart hurts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart hurts. Show all posts
Monday, June 12, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
Grief that's Real for Singles Too
Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a couple comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re struggling with fertility issues but desire to have a family? The Church comes up, surrounds them and covers them in prayer, asking God to bless them with a baby. And then after prayer, many of the church come forward with hugs, words of encouragement and telling them it’s OK to cry and grieve. Then they go home together and share their grief with one another, cry together, cry out to God together.
Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a single adult comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re lonely and desire to have someone to share life with and one day have a family? The church may pray for God to send them a spouse. Afterwards, some will come give them a hug and word of encouragement, but many of the church will come up to the single person to tell them that “God is their spouse”, they should “learn to be content” and don’t forget “God is more than enough”. Or my personal favorite (that was actually said to me when I was 32, in a not-so-supportive tone) “God may have the right one out there for you. If He does, then you can finally grow up, settle down and learn what REAL problems are.” Yeah, you’ve guessed correctly that this person made the “I'm not gonna shed any tears if her room in God's mansion in Heaven is FAR away from mine” list. Then the single person goes home, feeling more alone than before, and many times cries to God asking Him to forgive them for even having the desire of marriage in the first place. And as we get older, we grieve the fact that we also can’t have a child…our hopes of family are most likely gone. And we cry out to God…alone because we don’t want another lecture about how we need to learn to be content. We want someone to tell us it’s OK to hurt, to cry, to grieve.
I’m not saying that one group’s grief is worse than the other. I’m just pointing out that one group’s grief is validated while the other group is left feeling guilty they grieve in the first place. Single adults make up 50% of the American population. Scan your congregation tomorrow morning. Are 50% of the adults single? I’d wager they’re not. I’m aware there are many different reasons for this. But I’d like to throw out the possibility that the way the church reveres marriage and family as a higher calling than singleness, and the attitude with which each group is treated, might be one of the reasons. And then I would suggest that we love one another with the love of Christ, regardless of our status or station in life, that we truly learn to love one another and be the Body of Christ.
Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a single adult comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re lonely and desire to have someone to share life with and one day have a family? The church may pray for God to send them a spouse. Afterwards, some will come give them a hug and word of encouragement, but many of the church will come up to the single person to tell them that “God is their spouse”, they should “learn to be content” and don’t forget “God is more than enough”. Or my personal favorite (that was actually said to me when I was 32, in a not-so-supportive tone) “God may have the right one out there for you. If He does, then you can finally grow up, settle down and learn what REAL problems are.” Yeah, you’ve guessed correctly that this person made the “I'm not gonna shed any tears if her room in God's mansion in Heaven is FAR away from mine” list. Then the single person goes home, feeling more alone than before, and many times cries to God asking Him to forgive them for even having the desire of marriage in the first place. And as we get older, we grieve the fact that we also can’t have a child…our hopes of family are most likely gone. And we cry out to God…alone because we don’t want another lecture about how we need to learn to be content. We want someone to tell us it’s OK to hurt, to cry, to grieve.
I’m not saying that one group’s grief is worse than the other. I’m just pointing out that one group’s grief is validated while the other group is left feeling guilty they grieve in the first place. Single adults make up 50% of the American population. Scan your congregation tomorrow morning. Are 50% of the adults single? I’d wager they’re not. I’m aware there are many different reasons for this. But I’d like to throw out the possibility that the way the church reveres marriage and family as a higher calling than singleness, and the attitude with which each group is treated, might be one of the reasons. And then I would suggest that we love one another with the love of Christ, regardless of our status or station in life, that we truly learn to love one another and be the Body of Christ.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
He Says I'm Enough
We go through seasons in this life. Some seasons are short, others seem to last an entire lifetime, while most fall somewhere in between. And we never know how long the season will be until it’s over. During prayer and worship the other night, I didn’t go up to the altar for prayer partly because my heavy heart was affecting my feet, but mostly because I couldn’t find a way to put my heavy heart in to words. So, in between tears and sobs, I was trying to praise God’s goodness and claim His promises. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I had no problem praising His Name, for He is great and greatly to be praised. I was just desperately struggling to claim His greatness in my life.
You see, my heart was struggling. As of late, it seems that no matter what I do, the message I get (sometimes external other times internal) is that I’m not enough, haven’t tried hard enough, haven't loved enough, and haven’t given enough...I’m unaccepted, undesirable, unworthy. And it’s left me exhausted and feeling dreadfully inadequate. And I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has ever struggled in a season like this.
While I was sobbing, a friend was praying amazing things over me. And while I was sobbing, I was agreeing with her, praying and hoping those things were or would be true. And my heart felt calmed, that someone believed I was enough and worth time. Then, my friend kept her hand on my arm, but she was far enough away I could no longer hear what she was praying. And I felt myself longing to hear that she believed I was worthy of prayer, worthy of her time, worthy of God’s time.
And then God spoke to me. I was looking for assurance from outside sources, but as His child, I should be looking only to Him. He says that I am enough, beyond enough and worthy of His time and love. Even when I struggle, even when I fail, I am enough through Jesus’ blood and my willing heart, I am enough for Him. People, both from inside and outside of the Church, may tell you that you will never be enough – never smart enough, fast enough, talented enough, kind enough, compassionate enough, never enough. But God says that’s not true! His love isn’t based on performance. He says I’m enough because He created me! I’m important to Him! I am worth enough to Him that He sent His son to die on the cross in my place! He delights in me! He says my face is lovely and my voice is sweet! And beloved, He says the very same things about you too! And that’s so beautiful, because after all, His opinion is the only one that matters!
You see, my heart was struggling. As of late, it seems that no matter what I do, the message I get (sometimes external other times internal) is that I’m not enough, haven’t tried hard enough, haven't loved enough, and haven’t given enough...I’m unaccepted, undesirable, unworthy. And it’s left me exhausted and feeling dreadfully inadequate. And I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has ever struggled in a season like this.
While I was sobbing, a friend was praying amazing things over me. And while I was sobbing, I was agreeing with her, praying and hoping those things were or would be true. And my heart felt calmed, that someone believed I was enough and worth time. Then, my friend kept her hand on my arm, but she was far enough away I could no longer hear what she was praying. And I felt myself longing to hear that she believed I was worthy of prayer, worthy of her time, worthy of God’s time.
And then God spoke to me. I was looking for assurance from outside sources, but as His child, I should be looking only to Him. He says that I am enough, beyond enough and worthy of His time and love. Even when I struggle, even when I fail, I am enough through Jesus’ blood and my willing heart, I am enough for Him. People, both from inside and outside of the Church, may tell you that you will never be enough – never smart enough, fast enough, talented enough, kind enough, compassionate enough, never enough. But God says that’s not true! His love isn’t based on performance. He says I’m enough because He created me! I’m important to Him! I am worth enough to Him that He sent His son to die on the cross in my place! He delights in me! He says my face is lovely and my voice is sweet! And beloved, He says the very same things about you too! And that’s so beautiful, because after all, His opinion is the only one that matters!
Friday, September 4, 2015
Death, where is your sting?!
The older I get, the more aware I am that there are so many
times in life that it just stinks to be an adult. Since the beginning of 2015, I have been
reminded of this. My parents had a
couple that were their best friends for as long as I can remember…their friends
went to our home church, they came to every birthday party, supported every
mission trip I went on both in finances & cards, letters, etc., called on a
regular basis “just to check up”.
In February, after she had recovered from a severe illness, he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and not given a good prognosis. This is my father’s best friend. And since my mom died, they’ve been even closer. Since Dad can’t drive, he has picked him up for church & other meetings they go to together. The hard part of being an adult? When I explained for the 3rd time (traumatic brain injury) to my dad that the prognosis wasn’t good & my father looked at me with misty eyes and said “So you’re saying he’s dying? I’m losing my best friend?” And I replied “Unless God intervenes with supernatural healing, yes, he will die from this cancer”.
Earlier this week, after she had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks, she didn’t survive this past illness. So, tonight I will be going to my mom’s best friend’s visitation…and I will watch my dad try to console his best friend who has lost his wife and doesn’t seem to be winning his battle with cancer.
Sometimes, life just stinks. It just does. But, I can choose joy and I will choose joy. Though I will mourn with Terry, I will still choose joy. How? Because I know that Mary Ellen is worshiping at Jesus’ feet! And I know that my mom and her best friend have been reunited! And I know that one day, I’ll be with them too. I will choose joy because I can proclaim 1 Corinthians 15:55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”! So grateful for the Father’s love and Jesus’ obedience on the cross!!
In February, after she had recovered from a severe illness, he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and not given a good prognosis. This is my father’s best friend. And since my mom died, they’ve been even closer. Since Dad can’t drive, he has picked him up for church & other meetings they go to together. The hard part of being an adult? When I explained for the 3rd time (traumatic brain injury) to my dad that the prognosis wasn’t good & my father looked at me with misty eyes and said “So you’re saying he’s dying? I’m losing my best friend?” And I replied “Unless God intervenes with supernatural healing, yes, he will die from this cancer”.
Earlier this week, after she had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks, she didn’t survive this past illness. So, tonight I will be going to my mom’s best friend’s visitation…and I will watch my dad try to console his best friend who has lost his wife and doesn’t seem to be winning his battle with cancer.
Sometimes, life just stinks. It just does. But, I can choose joy and I will choose joy. Though I will mourn with Terry, I will still choose joy. How? Because I know that Mary Ellen is worshiping at Jesus’ feet! And I know that my mom and her best friend have been reunited! And I know that one day, I’ll be with them too. I will choose joy because I can proclaim 1 Corinthians 15:55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”! So grateful for the Father’s love and Jesus’ obedience on the cross!!
Monday, June 1, 2015
Alone...
In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, we're told to "pray without ceasing". I definitely can't say I've achieved that. But I do converse with God all throughout my day. Oh, there are times that are set aside to pray for specific requests...taking my petitions before Him. There are times that are simply for listening/seeking His Will/direction on specific issues. But, most of the time, there's just a dialogue going throughout the day. Sometimes it's about little, seemingly unimportant things. Other times, when I'm sharing my heart, my thoughts, my feelings on bigger issues....those are times when it gets real.
I find that I spend a lot of time asking the "whys" of it all. I ask "why?" more now than I ever dreamed of asking when I was a child. Why is this the way it turned out? Why is this getting so much harder? Why aren't You being more clear with the lesson You would have me learn (that I'm apparently not)? A big "why" that seems to be asked in the past few years is "Why do You see fit to leave me here alone?"
Now, I'm aware that there are other people on the planet...I lived in a large city in China, I'm very aware of how many people are on this Earth! I'm talking about every day life. I take care of people, I teach children, I lead worship, I spend time with wonderful family and amazing friends. I love to serve God and His children in whatever way I can. I was raised by my parents and grandparents to be kind, courteous and helpful, plus it's part of my personality. I honestly love to pour out into others, I truly do.
But reality hits when I come home, when I'm exhausted or I'm sick...and I'm alone. Reality hits when I sit down from leading worship or get into my car after time with friends...I'm alone. Yes, God is always with me, and I'm forever thankful He never leaves me, but reality is that there is no human here with me to hold me when I feel broken, to hug me when I cry, to bring me medicine when I'm sick or to simply remind me that God has not left me.
I know that I am blessed, and I am truly thankful for family, both natural and through Christ. I know that I'm blessed to love and be loved. But, it doesn't change the fact that in many moments when I need human interaction or conversation, I am alone. When I need someone to talk to about taking care of my dad, when I need someone to listen and then talk me down from the edge of panic, I am still alone. Yes, I am blessed with family in Christ, but, I'm only seeking to be 100% transparent here, though they love me and do care, their families come first. I am very aware that in those moments (because it's been pointed out to me), I am distracting them or taking them away from their own family. So, I am left with the choice to bother someone else or cry out to God...most times never not feeling alone.
And I find myself asking God "Why?". Is there something I've done, some heinous sin that is keeping me alone in this life? Have I failed to follow Your leading in some way? Have I angered You in some way? Am I too needy? Am I too independent? Am I too ugly? Am I too serious? Am I not serious enough? Am I too bold? Am I too timid? Am I so unlovable that only God Himself can choose to love me...and that's because He IS love?
I truly don't believe I'm still single for any of those reasons. I know many non-Christians who are married. I know many people that are consistently negative about everything in life who are married. I know downright mean people who are have throngs of people who love them. I know many people who don't know how to let love in, how to be loved...but they're still loved and surrounded by so many.
In all of the times of seeking God's heart, this is an issue that I haven't ever heard an answer on. One time, I thought the answer I heard was that this season of life would change, but that was quite some time ago...and everything seems to be the same. Maybe it was wishful thinking added to my prayers. Maybe I misheard. Maybe I heard correctly, but His timing is not what I expected.
So...I find myself alone again. And I will go to Him again. I will pour out my heart to Him and seek His heart towards me again. I will do my best to listen to His still, small voice....and maybe one day, I'll hear a clear answer. In the meantime, I'll keep loving and serving Him and His people and I will choose joy, even if there are tears involved, I will choose joy. And I'll keep asking the "whys" of it all...knowing that my heart is what He's after. And knowing that time spent with Him - seeking His heart - is what truly changes mine.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Family in Him is Important
Until a few years ago, I would never have thought twice about sharing details of my life (good and bad, easy and hard) with those in the Body of Christ. I mean, that's how the Body serves one another as a family...by sharing life. Now, though, I put everything through a filter. And my filter is at times so small, that I end up sharing nothing, or if I share, it's only the good/easy things.
A few years ago, I was going through a particularly hard season. After two extremely difficult weeks where I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of those who were much of the source of my difficult weeks, I found myself with God-family friends. When they asked how things were going, I was honest. I shared some of the hurts...things that were said and done, who said or did these things (because who they were in my life added to the sting). When I got done sharing some of these things, I was already feeling lighter. I had needed to tell a physical person what had made my heart hurt so badly. And the response I was received was to quit complaining. I took the response to the Lord in prayer and added to my pain the extreme guilt that I felt over this. I spent hours on my face before the Lord asking Him to heal my heart and begging for His forgiveness. A few days later, I was with God-family I hadn't seen for a little while. We were together for hours, just catching up and sharing life. I determined I was only going to share good things, but in that season, there honestly was not much good other than breathing...and I'm still not sure that was good...being with Jesus was extremely appealing (more than normal). I was much quieter than normal, and answered their questions, using my filter to only answer positively...but some questions required sharing negative things to answer the questions honestly. At the end of our hours together, as we were saying goodbyes, I was told again that I shouldn't focus so much on the negative and I should not share so many negative things of life with people, lest I be seen as whining, and God doesn't like a whiner.
Know what has happened since those encounters that one week? I have gone from being a person who has always been an open book about the facts of my life, even though somewhat guarded with emotions, to someone who is now guarded with facts of life and only shares emotions when (amazing) friends pry them out of me. I'm thankful for these friends, but it is not fair that they have to work so hard to get my honest heart. And I'm trying to not be that way...I don't think it's healthy, and I definitely don't want to lose these beautiful friends because I'm too much work. And I take it to the Lord, asking Him what I am free to share and what should be reserved for just Him. The problem with this? I asked Him these questions before those encounters, and honestly thought I heard His voice clearly that these were people I was safe to share my heart with. Now, every time I think I hear Him say that some one's safe, I question my hearing, because apparently I didn't hear Him clearly before.
I've come to realize a few things over the past few years, though. Last week, I shared this with a friend (one of those who is willing to climb the walls I have up around my emotions) and I realized something. Both of these encounters included me being the only single person...I was always with married couples, which is extremely normal in the Church, at least in my rural area. I have an amazing memory (sometimes I hate it because it's hard for me to forget!), and I've re-watched these encounters in my mind more times than I care to admit, trying to figure out exactly what I said that was complaining or whining. And I've come to realize that I wasn't complaining, I wasn't whining, I wasn't expecting validation for some offense in my heart. I was simply sharing facts of my life and the shape they'd left my heart in. There's a really great chance every one of the people I was with does the same thing. They don't just share the facts of their lives, they vent about how those facts make them feel. But, they have a built-in listener/sounding board, because they're married. They can share these things with their spouse and not have it weighing so heavy on their heart when they're with church family. I'm single, I don't have that luxury. I noticed this wasn't as much of an issue for me until after my mom died. I was able to share the ups, the downs, the joys, the hurts...all of those things I shared with her. When she died, I not only had the grief of losing my mother, but the reality of losing my best friend. I was 30 when she died...all of my other friends had their best friends chosen. And former best friends were now married to their new best friends.
So what was the point of sharing all of that? Well, it definitely wasn't to bash anyone. I am not offended with or angered at these people. Reality is that they likely don't even remember saying anything. And if they do, I know they are people that love me and would definitely not have set out to hurt my heart. Just the opposite, actually, I believe these people would keep my heart from hurting if they could. I guess I'm hoping that anyone in the Church who reads this will be a little slower to label someone as a complainer. We all complain sometimes, and it's good for someone to point out our complaining if we aren't seeing it. But, sometimes people need a trusted friend to share their heart without being judged. And maybe even to give some insight to those who are married within the Church. I'm not pretending all married people live glamorous, stress-free lives. But, you do have someone to share your heart with on a regular basis. You can vent to your spouse when whatever issue arises on Thursday and it's out of your system in time for you to have it together on your way into church.
Yes, I do take everything to the Lord. I'm forever grateful that He never tires of hearing me. that He loves and longs to hear my voice. And I long to hear His voice! There are times, though, that I long to have someone that I can be completely open and honest with...someone with skin, someone that I can see...without the fear that I'm going to be judged or called out for sharing my life. I think we're created to be in community, in His family....that means being willing to be with a brother or sister when they're facing circumstances and praying with them when their heart feels shredded beyond repair by those circumstances, not shredding their heart even more.
A few years ago, I was going through a particularly hard season. After two extremely difficult weeks where I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of those who were much of the source of my difficult weeks, I found myself with God-family friends. When they asked how things were going, I was honest. I shared some of the hurts...things that were said and done, who said or did these things (because who they were in my life added to the sting). When I got done sharing some of these things, I was already feeling lighter. I had needed to tell a physical person what had made my heart hurt so badly. And the response I was received was to quit complaining. I took the response to the Lord in prayer and added to my pain the extreme guilt that I felt over this. I spent hours on my face before the Lord asking Him to heal my heart and begging for His forgiveness. A few days later, I was with God-family I hadn't seen for a little while. We were together for hours, just catching up and sharing life. I determined I was only going to share good things, but in that season, there honestly was not much good other than breathing...and I'm still not sure that was good...being with Jesus was extremely appealing (more than normal). I was much quieter than normal, and answered their questions, using my filter to only answer positively...but some questions required sharing negative things to answer the questions honestly. At the end of our hours together, as we were saying goodbyes, I was told again that I shouldn't focus so much on the negative and I should not share so many negative things of life with people, lest I be seen as whining, and God doesn't like a whiner.
Know what has happened since those encounters that one week? I have gone from being a person who has always been an open book about the facts of my life, even though somewhat guarded with emotions, to someone who is now guarded with facts of life and only shares emotions when (amazing) friends pry them out of me. I'm thankful for these friends, but it is not fair that they have to work so hard to get my honest heart. And I'm trying to not be that way...I don't think it's healthy, and I definitely don't want to lose these beautiful friends because I'm too much work. And I take it to the Lord, asking Him what I am free to share and what should be reserved for just Him. The problem with this? I asked Him these questions before those encounters, and honestly thought I heard His voice clearly that these were people I was safe to share my heart with. Now, every time I think I hear Him say that some one's safe, I question my hearing, because apparently I didn't hear Him clearly before.
I've come to realize a few things over the past few years, though. Last week, I shared this with a friend (one of those who is willing to climb the walls I have up around my emotions) and I realized something. Both of these encounters included me being the only single person...I was always with married couples, which is extremely normal in the Church, at least in my rural area. I have an amazing memory (sometimes I hate it because it's hard for me to forget!), and I've re-watched these encounters in my mind more times than I care to admit, trying to figure out exactly what I said that was complaining or whining. And I've come to realize that I wasn't complaining, I wasn't whining, I wasn't expecting validation for some offense in my heart. I was simply sharing facts of my life and the shape they'd left my heart in. There's a really great chance every one of the people I was with does the same thing. They don't just share the facts of their lives, they vent about how those facts make them feel. But, they have a built-in listener/sounding board, because they're married. They can share these things with their spouse and not have it weighing so heavy on their heart when they're with church family. I'm single, I don't have that luxury. I noticed this wasn't as much of an issue for me until after my mom died. I was able to share the ups, the downs, the joys, the hurts...all of those things I shared with her. When she died, I not only had the grief of losing my mother, but the reality of losing my best friend. I was 30 when she died...all of my other friends had their best friends chosen. And former best friends were now married to their new best friends.
So what was the point of sharing all of that? Well, it definitely wasn't to bash anyone. I am not offended with or angered at these people. Reality is that they likely don't even remember saying anything. And if they do, I know they are people that love me and would definitely not have set out to hurt my heart. Just the opposite, actually, I believe these people would keep my heart from hurting if they could. I guess I'm hoping that anyone in the Church who reads this will be a little slower to label someone as a complainer. We all complain sometimes, and it's good for someone to point out our complaining if we aren't seeing it. But, sometimes people need a trusted friend to share their heart without being judged. And maybe even to give some insight to those who are married within the Church. I'm not pretending all married people live glamorous, stress-free lives. But, you do have someone to share your heart with on a regular basis. You can vent to your spouse when whatever issue arises on Thursday and it's out of your system in time for you to have it together on your way into church.
Yes, I do take everything to the Lord. I'm forever grateful that He never tires of hearing me. that He loves and longs to hear my voice. And I long to hear His voice! There are times, though, that I long to have someone that I can be completely open and honest with...someone with skin, someone that I can see...without the fear that I'm going to be judged or called out for sharing my life. I think we're created to be in community, in His family....that means being willing to be with a brother or sister when they're facing circumstances and praying with them when their heart feels shredded beyond repair by those circumstances, not shredding their heart even more.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Pressure...
A
few years ago I was at a conference. The
session had just ended in prayer and the group I was with was deciding lunch
plans. All of the sudden, I could see
this picture before me so clearly. I
could still see everyone around me and I could hear them talking to me, but I couldn't answer them, I HAD to see what God was showing me. I suppose this was an “open vision” or
whatever you might choose to call it. I know I've had dreams, visions and words from the Lord, but I can tell you this has stuck in my remembrance for years.
While I was sitting in the chair in the auditorium, all of the sudden I could see an autopsy table before me, think the stainless steel tables you see on CSI. Then, I saw Jesus standing, leaning over the table. I moved closer to see what He was doing. Then I saw that there was a heart lying on the autopsy table. I knew that it was mine. And I was overwhelmed with the reality that this was all I had to offer Jesus, my heart and all that was within it. To begin with, I was at peace with this reality because I've known Him since a young age and have walked with Him since then. I saw Jesus pick up a scalpel in His right hand and my heart in His left. I was still at peace. He made an incision down the middle of the heart and turn upside down so that the opening was facing the table. I just knew that whatever came out was all I had to offer Him (the jewels in the crown I will throw at His feet). All of the sudden, I realized no pretty jewels were falling out onto the table. Instead, all I could see were these horrible black lumps of coal. I was crushed. I started to try to tell Jesus how sorry I was, that I was so genuinely surprised to see that come out of my heart. He motioned me to come closer. I shook my head, refusing to be closer to Him. He motioned for me to come closer again, with this patient insistence. So, I walked closer until I was standing next to Him.
His gaze directed me to look at the coal on the autopsy table. It was then that I saw each lump of coal had writing on it….each had a different sin written… “pride”, “lying”, “lust”, “bitterness”, just to name a few. I was appalled at the contents of my heart. There were sins that I honestly thought I had truly repented of and dealt with. Then, as I was weeping, staring at the coal, Jesus reached His right hand down to the table. He picked up a piece of coal and started squeezing it in the palm of His hand. Immediately I said “NO, Jesus! You can’t! You can’t touch my sins! You can’t get dirty handling my sins!” He said “Just wait and see.” He just kept squeezing his fist while I kept weeping. After what seemed to be an eternity, He turned to face me and held out His hand. I turned away, I didn't want to see His hand dirty from that coal, my sin. He told me “It’s OK, just take a look”. When I looked at His hand, I saw one of the most beautiful diamonds shining, glistening in the light! Oh how beautiful! I immediately picked up a piece of coal from the table and began squeezing it in my palm, I didn't want Him to touch anymore of my sins and I wanted beautiful stones to give Him. But when I looked at my hand, it was just black and dirty. And the dirt kept moving up my arm. I looked at Jesus’ arm and realized, for the first time, His hand and arm were spotless…no coal dust was there. So, I squeezed my hand tighter. The dirt kept moving up and the coal was not changing.
Jesus reached out, opened my hand and took the coal. He began His process again, squeezing His fist, and another beautiful stone was the result! Then He leaned in and said “It only works when I’m the one to do this. You can’t cleanse sins, you can’t take the dirty coal and turn it into beautiful gems. When you allow me to apply pressure, though, that’s when the transformation happens. You kept crying out for me to not touch your sins, but don’t you remember, My beloved? I took on your sin 2000 years ago. I became sin so that this process could take place!” By this time, I was a sobbing heap on the floor at His feet. “Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me! You deserve so much more than the coal/sin in my heart, please take them away! Please make them beautiful so that You may have a beautiful crown!” He pulled me up off of the floor and told me again how important the pressure is to change the coal into diamond. How many times I think that the pressure is simply useless attacks from Satan, and while Jesus isn't causing evil, He is allowing it so that the transforming pressure can occur.
Then He began picking up my sins one at a time, applying pressure and turning them into beautiful gemstones. When every piece of coal had been transformed into a gorgeous stone, He picked up my heart and began placing the stones, one by one, back into my heart. Then He handed me my heart and told me to remember to run to Him in the times of great pressure, to give my sin to Him so that He could transform it.
My prayer, for you and me, is that when the hard times come, when the pressures of this life become intense, we would turn to Him. Take all of our heart to Him, don’t hide anything back, but let Him do His transforming work.
While I was sitting in the chair in the auditorium, all of the sudden I could see an autopsy table before me, think the stainless steel tables you see on CSI. Then, I saw Jesus standing, leaning over the table. I moved closer to see what He was doing. Then I saw that there was a heart lying on the autopsy table. I knew that it was mine. And I was overwhelmed with the reality that this was all I had to offer Jesus, my heart and all that was within it. To begin with, I was at peace with this reality because I've known Him since a young age and have walked with Him since then. I saw Jesus pick up a scalpel in His right hand and my heart in His left. I was still at peace. He made an incision down the middle of the heart and turn upside down so that the opening was facing the table. I just knew that whatever came out was all I had to offer Him (the jewels in the crown I will throw at His feet). All of the sudden, I realized no pretty jewels were falling out onto the table. Instead, all I could see were these horrible black lumps of coal. I was crushed. I started to try to tell Jesus how sorry I was, that I was so genuinely surprised to see that come out of my heart. He motioned me to come closer. I shook my head, refusing to be closer to Him. He motioned for me to come closer again, with this patient insistence. So, I walked closer until I was standing next to Him.
His gaze directed me to look at the coal on the autopsy table. It was then that I saw each lump of coal had writing on it….each had a different sin written… “pride”, “lying”, “lust”, “bitterness”, just to name a few. I was appalled at the contents of my heart. There were sins that I honestly thought I had truly repented of and dealt with. Then, as I was weeping, staring at the coal, Jesus reached His right hand down to the table. He picked up a piece of coal and started squeezing it in the palm of His hand. Immediately I said “NO, Jesus! You can’t! You can’t touch my sins! You can’t get dirty handling my sins!” He said “Just wait and see.” He just kept squeezing his fist while I kept weeping. After what seemed to be an eternity, He turned to face me and held out His hand. I turned away, I didn't want to see His hand dirty from that coal, my sin. He told me “It’s OK, just take a look”. When I looked at His hand, I saw one of the most beautiful diamonds shining, glistening in the light! Oh how beautiful! I immediately picked up a piece of coal from the table and began squeezing it in my palm, I didn't want Him to touch anymore of my sins and I wanted beautiful stones to give Him. But when I looked at my hand, it was just black and dirty. And the dirt kept moving up my arm. I looked at Jesus’ arm and realized, for the first time, His hand and arm were spotless…no coal dust was there. So, I squeezed my hand tighter. The dirt kept moving up and the coal was not changing.
Jesus reached out, opened my hand and took the coal. He began His process again, squeezing His fist, and another beautiful stone was the result! Then He leaned in and said “It only works when I’m the one to do this. You can’t cleanse sins, you can’t take the dirty coal and turn it into beautiful gems. When you allow me to apply pressure, though, that’s when the transformation happens. You kept crying out for me to not touch your sins, but don’t you remember, My beloved? I took on your sin 2000 years ago. I became sin so that this process could take place!” By this time, I was a sobbing heap on the floor at His feet. “Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me! You deserve so much more than the coal/sin in my heart, please take them away! Please make them beautiful so that You may have a beautiful crown!” He pulled me up off of the floor and told me again how important the pressure is to change the coal into diamond. How many times I think that the pressure is simply useless attacks from Satan, and while Jesus isn't causing evil, He is allowing it so that the transforming pressure can occur.
Then He began picking up my sins one at a time, applying pressure and turning them into beautiful gemstones. When every piece of coal had been transformed into a gorgeous stone, He picked up my heart and began placing the stones, one by one, back into my heart. Then He handed me my heart and told me to remember to run to Him in the times of great pressure, to give my sin to Him so that He could transform it.
My prayer, for you and me, is that when the hard times come, when the pressures of this life become intense, we would turn to Him. Take all of our heart to Him, don’t hide anything back, but let Him do His transforming work.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
June 12th, My Momma, Carol & Heaven's gain
Well, it's June 12th. A date more commonly known at our house as "Momma's birthday". Sometimes it's hard to believe this is the second June 12th that she's not here with us. Other times, well, some days it seems like it's been soo long since I've seen her, given her a hug or heard her voice. My pastor told me once (regarding a different issue) that "time callouses all wounds". I think it's true, though. I mean, some hurts I don't know that we "heal" from, we don't necessarily "get over" them, but God helps us to make a new "normal" for ourselves. And, over time, those stings that we feel in this life just sting a little bit less.
I'm not saying I don't miss my momma. Don't get me wrong. I miss her a lot. But, I was blessed with parents and grandparents that were such good teachers, and they taught us that death is a natural part of life. And as sure as you're born, you will die. It happens. And for those of us still living, life has to go on. We can't just curl up in a ball and quit life, we have to keep going. And I know my mom wouldn't want me to crawl into a corner and quit. She told me as much herself! She also told me that she might be selfish, but she was secretly a little glad to know that I'd cry tears after she was gone. She wasn't glad she'd be leaving us, nor that we'd miss her so much & our hearts would hurt, but she was being honest. And honestly, who doesn't want to know that they're deeply missed because they were deeply loved?!
In other news tonight, I got a message a few hours ago that my friend Carol, who also battled ovarian cancer, finished her fight Saturday evening. I only knew her for 10 months, but in those 10 months, she became such a good friend. And a family member, as she's part of God's family! I will miss her too!
I have to be honest and say that I am grateful that both Momma & Carol are not suffering from their horrid disease any longer! And I'm jealous of them both - that they're in the presence of God right now!
I've studied the Bible my whole life. And after my grandparents died, I started studying what it says about Heaven a little closer. And when Mom got sick, I started studying even harder. Today....I still don't understand how things work in Heaven. I think I understand that we will know people from this life, and we will continue to meet new people. I don't think people in Heaven can see us down here as I don't know how that works with the "no tears" policy Heaven has. I fear that my loved ones there would be sad when they witness me screwing up and sinning yet again. I could be wrong...but that's my current conclusion. :)
I really do believe that we'll continue to make new friends, though. And I can almost see my mom and Carol meeting. They'll be able to share their victory stories of having won their battles with ovarian cancer. Yes, they did die and leave their Earthly bodies...but the beauty in that, they're completely healed now! No more cancer! God wins! And for that fact, I wouldn't wish for either of them to come back. As my pastor said at Mom's funeral "we wouldn't wish for her to come back from Heaven, because even if she had a perfectly healthy body, she would still have to die again one day".
So, yeah, I miss my momma. And I already miss my friend. But, it makes that song I grew up singing in church "Heaven's getting sweeter every day" seem all the more true. The more years I live on this Earth, the more treasures I have in Heaven!
For those of you who never knew my Mom...here's a pic of her on her 58th birthday!
I'm not saying I don't miss my momma. Don't get me wrong. I miss her a lot. But, I was blessed with parents and grandparents that were such good teachers, and they taught us that death is a natural part of life. And as sure as you're born, you will die. It happens. And for those of us still living, life has to go on. We can't just curl up in a ball and quit life, we have to keep going. And I know my mom wouldn't want me to crawl into a corner and quit. She told me as much herself! She also told me that she might be selfish, but she was secretly a little glad to know that I'd cry tears after she was gone. She wasn't glad she'd be leaving us, nor that we'd miss her so much & our hearts would hurt, but she was being honest. And honestly, who doesn't want to know that they're deeply missed because they were deeply loved?!
In other news tonight, I got a message a few hours ago that my friend Carol, who also battled ovarian cancer, finished her fight Saturday evening. I only knew her for 10 months, but in those 10 months, she became such a good friend. And a family member, as she's part of God's family! I will miss her too!
I have to be honest and say that I am grateful that both Momma & Carol are not suffering from their horrid disease any longer! And I'm jealous of them both - that they're in the presence of God right now!
I've studied the Bible my whole life. And after my grandparents died, I started studying what it says about Heaven a little closer. And when Mom got sick, I started studying even harder. Today....I still don't understand how things work in Heaven. I think I understand that we will know people from this life, and we will continue to meet new people. I don't think people in Heaven can see us down here as I don't know how that works with the "no tears" policy Heaven has. I fear that my loved ones there would be sad when they witness me screwing up and sinning yet again. I could be wrong...but that's my current conclusion. :)
I really do believe that we'll continue to make new friends, though. And I can almost see my mom and Carol meeting. They'll be able to share their victory stories of having won their battles with ovarian cancer. Yes, they did die and leave their Earthly bodies...but the beauty in that, they're completely healed now! No more cancer! God wins! And for that fact, I wouldn't wish for either of them to come back. As my pastor said at Mom's funeral "we wouldn't wish for her to come back from Heaven, because even if she had a perfectly healthy body, she would still have to die again one day".
So, yeah, I miss my momma. And I already miss my friend. But, it makes that song I grew up singing in church "Heaven's getting sweeter every day" seem all the more true. The more years I live on this Earth, the more treasures I have in Heaven!
For those of you who never knew my Mom...here's a pic of her on her 58th birthday!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
She's entered Heaven now...
I realize it's been a while since I've written anything. On Friday, November 27, 2009, my mother - Gladys Faye (Meredith) Weaver - passed from this life into eternity at 4:40 pm. The day before she passed was not only Thanksgiving, but it was also my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary.
On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.
On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.
I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.
Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.
We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!
The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!
Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!
Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!
On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.
On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.
I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.
Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.
We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!
The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!
Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!
Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Hospice...
We brought Mom home on Hospice last Monday (11/16). They increased her morphine by doubling her hourly base rate and also increased the number of breakthrough hits she could get. It took a few days for her body to adjust to the increased rate, so she mostly slept until Friday night/Saturday morning. There have been less than a handful of times that she's voiced her pain rate being above a 5 since the increase...and that's amazing considering the past 3-4 weeks, I've heard her answer 9, 10, 10+ and even one time, she told them her pain level was a 30. I'm sooo thankful for morphine to give her relief from the pain. The vomiting, however, has not slowed any. Anything that she swallows comes back up. The nurse has told me that as long as Mom is still taking in liquids & having some output, that stage could maintain for weeks & weeks. Friday night, Mom became more alert and stayed that way through Monday night. She's SOO thirsty....it's been 3-4 weeks of nonstop vomiting now. So, she asks for a drink....you say Mom, why don't we try ice chips or sips? No, she wants a drink, so you give her a drink knowing that it's going to come right back up within seconds to minutes.
It's so hard to watch someone that you love so much suffer like that, but my mom....my mom is amazing. A week & a half ago, God gave me a special gift! Daddy was asleep & I had told Mom I was going to bed, so she didn't know I had walked back into her room. She was in the middle of retching all that was within her and God let me hear her pray to Him. Oh, I can never describe the preciousness of that moment! I overheard my mom say "God, I don't know why I'm so sick. I know that You said Jesus' blood paid for my healing. And I know that You could choose to take all of this cancer any minute. I don't know why You haven't chosen to heal me. But I want You to know that I love You & I trust You that You have a plan & know what is best. OK, I just wanted to tell You that" :) :) I've never had more of a "I want to be just like my momma" moment!! Oh what faith!
No doctors or nurses have told us how long they think Mom will be with us, which is fine because I probably wouldn't put much stock in any time limits they give -- she's outlived too many of them already! I do believe if God does not choose a miraculous healing on Earth (well, miraculous to us at least), it won't be long. There are just certain biological truths that I've lived through with both grandparents and other family & friends. Eventually, if no other systems shut down, Mom will quit requesting drinks & taking in fluids. Then for a while, sometimes up to 16+ days, her body will pull all of the fluids from her cells causing her to eventually dehydrate to death.
Mom has been mostly sleeping since Monday night, when I gave her a nausea/anxiety pill before bed. I'm praying that I made the right decision in giving her that pill. She was just so agitated that the nurse & I wanted her to be able to rest. When she hasn't really woken up much for the past 24 hours, I have those moments of "oh, you've done it now!" I had that sadness of "what if she doesn't wake up again? what if I don't get to have another coherent conversation with her?" And though the thoughts of those things make me sad, it's OK. According to all of her doctors, my mother's cancer was advanced enough when they found it, that she's been "miraculously living" for more than 2 years now! That means I've had 2 more years than Satan intended for me to be able to tell my mom how much I love her, admire her, look up to her and respect her. I've had 2 more years to hear her tell me that she loves me. I've had extra time just to share my heart with my mom...time that Satan intended to steal, but God didn't let him! Oh what a good God we serve!!
I realized Sunday that this Thursday is Thanksgiving. I was thinking over past Thanksgivings...most with my family, but some spent across the nation & across the world. Many times over, I've realized being thankful is a matter of choosing a perspective of looking at things. I was thinking today how many deaths and illnesses in my family, as well as just plain hard times, have fallen near Thanksgiving. And to my flesh, those times stink! I could choose to be bitter & say that I have no reason to give thanks. But I know that is nowhere near true! I remember last year Thanksgiving week at church, my pastor asked us to voice what we were thankful for. Everyone was giving answers aloud, except me. I kept sitting there thinking "Dummy, you should be saying you're thankful your mom is alive!" Yet, the answer that came out of my mouth was "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I was without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me." I am so thankful for the family, friends & family-friends that God has placed in my life! I am thankful for the wonderful example of following Christ my parents & grandparents have given me! I am thankful for so many things, yet my answer from last year still rings out. I am above all else thankful that my God is faithful to His promises...He has been our Provider, our Comforter, our Healer, our Savior, our Strength, our Peace, our everything! If we had nothing else for which to be thankful, it is more than enough that our God always is who He says He will be!
It's so hard to watch someone that you love so much suffer like that, but my mom....my mom is amazing. A week & a half ago, God gave me a special gift! Daddy was asleep & I had told Mom I was going to bed, so she didn't know I had walked back into her room. She was in the middle of retching all that was within her and God let me hear her pray to Him. Oh, I can never describe the preciousness of that moment! I overheard my mom say "God, I don't know why I'm so sick. I know that You said Jesus' blood paid for my healing. And I know that You could choose to take all of this cancer any minute. I don't know why You haven't chosen to heal me. But I want You to know that I love You & I trust You that You have a plan & know what is best. OK, I just wanted to tell You that" :) :) I've never had more of a "I want to be just like my momma" moment!! Oh what faith!
No doctors or nurses have told us how long they think Mom will be with us, which is fine because I probably wouldn't put much stock in any time limits they give -- she's outlived too many of them already! I do believe if God does not choose a miraculous healing on Earth (well, miraculous to us at least), it won't be long. There are just certain biological truths that I've lived through with both grandparents and other family & friends. Eventually, if no other systems shut down, Mom will quit requesting drinks & taking in fluids. Then for a while, sometimes up to 16+ days, her body will pull all of the fluids from her cells causing her to eventually dehydrate to death.
Mom has been mostly sleeping since Monday night, when I gave her a nausea/anxiety pill before bed. I'm praying that I made the right decision in giving her that pill. She was just so agitated that the nurse & I wanted her to be able to rest. When she hasn't really woken up much for the past 24 hours, I have those moments of "oh, you've done it now!" I had that sadness of "what if she doesn't wake up again? what if I don't get to have another coherent conversation with her?" And though the thoughts of those things make me sad, it's OK. According to all of her doctors, my mother's cancer was advanced enough when they found it, that she's been "miraculously living" for more than 2 years now! That means I've had 2 more years than Satan intended for me to be able to tell my mom how much I love her, admire her, look up to her and respect her. I've had 2 more years to hear her tell me that she loves me. I've had extra time just to share my heart with my mom...time that Satan intended to steal, but God didn't let him! Oh what a good God we serve!!
I realized Sunday that this Thursday is Thanksgiving. I was thinking over past Thanksgivings...most with my family, but some spent across the nation & across the world. Many times over, I've realized being thankful is a matter of choosing a perspective of looking at things. I was thinking today how many deaths and illnesses in my family, as well as just plain hard times, have fallen near Thanksgiving. And to my flesh, those times stink! I could choose to be bitter & say that I have no reason to give thanks. But I know that is nowhere near true! I remember last year Thanksgiving week at church, my pastor asked us to voice what we were thankful for. Everyone was giving answers aloud, except me. I kept sitting there thinking "Dummy, you should be saying you're thankful your mom is alive!" Yet, the answer that came out of my mouth was "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I was without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me." I am so thankful for the family, friends & family-friends that God has placed in my life! I am thankful for the wonderful example of following Christ my parents & grandparents have given me! I am thankful for so many things, yet my answer from last year still rings out. I am above all else thankful that my God is faithful to His promises...He has been our Provider, our Comforter, our Healer, our Savior, our Strength, our Peace, our everything! If we had nothing else for which to be thankful, it is more than enough that our God always is who He says He will be!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
When there's no more chemotherapy....
Mom had her last chemo treatment 3 weeks ago. She didn't get the full treatment because she had a bad allergic reaction and went into shock. The oncologist said we'd have to discuss other drug options at our next appointment (Nov 4th). The week after the treatment, Mom started having a horrible time with vomiting. She got IV fluids a few days and that seemed to help for a few hours, then she would be sick again. Mom got worse with her vomiting on Monday, so we saw the oncologist Monday night. He told us then that Mom's cancer is growing and there are no more chemotherapy options. I think we kinda knew that already, but when you hear it confirmed by the doctor, it's still a kick in the gut.
Mom had a CT scan done last Friday and when they looked at that, they saw fluid on her left lung. So Tuesday morning, she had a thoracentesis done and they drained about a liter of fluid off, so she's breathing a lot better now. They also noted on the scan that she has a hernia near her ileostomy site. The doctors think that could be the cause of her vomiting since they don't really see any tumors pushing on her stomach or bowel. The surgeon told us Tuesday that it was completely up to Mom whether or not she wanted to have the hernia repaired, and we have no guarantee that doing the surgery will stop the vomiting. She decided that it's worth it to have the surgery done. Actually her words were "well, if I only live a week or two after the surgery, if it can possibly keep me from vomiting for my last week or two, it'll be worth it."
So, we have an appointment with the surgeon tonight (Thursday) and if he still thinks the surgery is an option, she will most likely be having surgery done on Friday and at least a day or two stay in the hospital afterwards. We are aware this won't make her cancer go away, but if it improves her quality of life at all, in my opinion at least, it's worth it. She has been losing 5-8 pounds a week on average, and she's losing it by not keeping food down. It's hard enough watching her go through it, I'm sure it has to be harder to be the one living it.
The oncologist said that if the vomiting doesn't stop, she might have 2 months left. If the surgery stops the vomiting, she will have longer. Now, I know quite a bit about biology and medicine. I know that cancer kills. I know that when it keeps growing and can't be killed off by chemo drugs, it will eventually kill the person. I know this, and I'm sure you do too. But, I know something else that many of you know. God is soo much bigger than all of this. So, until Mom is healed, I'm going to continue to petition and intercede on her behalf for her healing. I'm standing on the promises that her healing has been bought. That "by His stripes we are healed". God is not man that He can lie. And if He says that He is Jehovah Rapha, then I'm believing Him and holding Him to His Word (which He never fails to keep). My mother will be healed, of this I have no doubt. The part I don't know is whether it will be this side of life or when she enters eternity. But I do know that one of those times, she WILL be healed. So until she draws her final breath in this life, I will be praying for her healing!
Please remember her during the surgery and in the time to come. Her spirits are still very high and her sense of humor is wonderful...she's a lot like both of her parents, so I suspect those 2 things will remain with her until the very end. God has so amazingly kept His promise to never leave us or forsake us, and I'm so thankful that He's been reminding us of that moment by moment, that He's here in the midst of it all! So thank you all so much for praying, it's sooo incredibly appreciated. We have definitely felt lifted up by them!
I'll post more when I have more news to share!
Mom had a CT scan done last Friday and when they looked at that, they saw fluid on her left lung. So Tuesday morning, she had a thoracentesis done and they drained about a liter of fluid off, so she's breathing a lot better now. They also noted on the scan that she has a hernia near her ileostomy site. The doctors think that could be the cause of her vomiting since they don't really see any tumors pushing on her stomach or bowel. The surgeon told us Tuesday that it was completely up to Mom whether or not she wanted to have the hernia repaired, and we have no guarantee that doing the surgery will stop the vomiting. She decided that it's worth it to have the surgery done. Actually her words were "well, if I only live a week or two after the surgery, if it can possibly keep me from vomiting for my last week or two, it'll be worth it."
So, we have an appointment with the surgeon tonight (Thursday) and if he still thinks the surgery is an option, she will most likely be having surgery done on Friday and at least a day or two stay in the hospital afterwards. We are aware this won't make her cancer go away, but if it improves her quality of life at all, in my opinion at least, it's worth it. She has been losing 5-8 pounds a week on average, and she's losing it by not keeping food down. It's hard enough watching her go through it, I'm sure it has to be harder to be the one living it.
The oncologist said that if the vomiting doesn't stop, she might have 2 months left. If the surgery stops the vomiting, she will have longer. Now, I know quite a bit about biology and medicine. I know that cancer kills. I know that when it keeps growing and can't be killed off by chemo drugs, it will eventually kill the person. I know this, and I'm sure you do too. But, I know something else that many of you know. God is soo much bigger than all of this. So, until Mom is healed, I'm going to continue to petition and intercede on her behalf for her healing. I'm standing on the promises that her healing has been bought. That "by His stripes we are healed". God is not man that He can lie. And if He says that He is Jehovah Rapha, then I'm believing Him and holding Him to His Word (which He never fails to keep). My mother will be healed, of this I have no doubt. The part I don't know is whether it will be this side of life or when she enters eternity. But I do know that one of those times, she WILL be healed. So until she draws her final breath in this life, I will be praying for her healing!
Please remember her during the surgery and in the time to come. Her spirits are still very high and her sense of humor is wonderful...she's a lot like both of her parents, so I suspect those 2 things will remain with her until the very end. God has so amazingly kept His promise to never leave us or forsake us, and I'm so thankful that He's been reminding us of that moment by moment, that He's here in the midst of it all! So thank you all so much for praying, it's sooo incredibly appreciated. We have definitely felt lifted up by them!
I'll post more when I have more news to share!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
April 29th appointment
Thanks SO much for your prayers! Here's what happened today when we went to Mom's oncologist.
As you know, Mom's CA 125 level went up last month while still taking Doxil (chemo drug). She had a CT scan of the abdomen done on 4/22. We weren't strong enough to not look at the results early, so we peeked Tuesday afternoon. So we went into the appointment today knowing that Mom had 2-3 nodules on her liver. This made Tuesday a really looong evening.
We went into the appointment with heavy hearts. Dr. Dy said that yes, he believes the nodules on the liver are cancer. He said that means the Doxil is not working anymore. Then he said "but we have lots of other options". So he started her on a new chemo drug along with a drug that stops blood flow into cancer cells. So he said the 2nd drug should double if not triple the effectiveness of her chemotherapy. And he is very optimistic that she will respond very well with this treatment! Obviously finding that the cancer has spread was not the best news, but we are very thankful that there are other treatment options and thankful for God's peace throughout the month-long wait. Thank you so much for your prayers. We felt them and wouldn't have made it without them. Thank you again so much!
As you know, Mom's CA 125 level went up last month while still taking Doxil (chemo drug). She had a CT scan of the abdomen done on 4/22. We weren't strong enough to not look at the results early, so we peeked Tuesday afternoon. So we went into the appointment today knowing that Mom had 2-3 nodules on her liver. This made Tuesday a really looong evening.
We went into the appointment with heavy hearts. Dr. Dy said that yes, he believes the nodules on the liver are cancer. He said that means the Doxil is not working anymore. Then he said "but we have lots of other options". So he started her on a new chemo drug along with a drug that stops blood flow into cancer cells. So he said the 2nd drug should double if not triple the effectiveness of her chemotherapy. And he is very optimistic that she will respond very well with this treatment! Obviously finding that the cancer has spread was not the best news, but we are very thankful that there are other treatment options and thankful for God's peace throughout the month-long wait. Thank you so much for your prayers. We felt them and wouldn't have made it without them. Thank you again so much!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Dreaded call from the oncologist....
Today, April 3rd, the oncologist's office called. Mom had chemo Wed, April 1st. At that appointment, they did her CA 125 (ovarian cancer marker). They called today with the reuslts....the numbers are still rising, even though she is taking chemo. The doctor said he's going to wait until Mom has her CT scan done to decide the next step. Her CT scan had originally been scheduled for April 22, but we called today to move it up to April 7. So it will most likely be the middle of April before we know anything.
I don't know what the doctor will say, but I have a few ideas of his options. Right now, Mom is on 3/5 a dose of chemo (due to her weakness in the beginning of this course of treatment). He may decide to give her the full dose and see if it is more effective. From what I've read, sometimes they decide radiation is beneficial (although our dr has never mentioned this). There's always the chance that the bloodwork was a fluke, but it had risen a few points last month as well, so my heart tells me that is not likely. If the CT scan shows that the cancer has spread to organs, such as liver, kidneys, pancreas, etc., the most likely option will be comfort measures through the Hospice program.
As I type the word Hospice, my heart sobs. It's not as if this hasn't been a possibility for a while. It's not as if Mom hasn't been miraculously surviving everything they said she wouldn't. It's not as though I haven't prepared myself many times in the past 2 years for the end of this horrid disease. It's not that I don't have faith that God knows what He's doing, He's God...He knows the beginning from the end. It's not that I feel as though I've been abandoned or forsaken by God because His presence has been ever-near throughout this entire time. It's not that I somehow think He's doing wrong by my mom....He loves her more than I ever could.
So why is my heart sobbing? Sadness....sadness at the thought of losing my mom at a younger-than-normal age. Losing my best friend, my confidant, the person who probably loves me the most in the entire world besides God. Sadness at thinking that she won't be there for me to talk to when things are tough, or good for that matter.
Yes, it's sad. But, my sadness at this time is almost on the side of silliness. We won't know the results of Mom's CT scan for probably another week. She could be miraculously healed by that time. Or I may be in a car wreck. Or...North Korea & the US could launch their missiles and we might find ourselves in the middle of a nuclear war. There's no telling what life will be like a week from now.
So for the time being, I'm going to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the awesome relationship I have with my mom. Thankful for the time I've had with her, and still do! Thankful that God is keeping His promise to never leave nor forsake me. Thankful...just because my heart is thankful to Him at this moment!
When the time comes that my mom is not on Earth with me, I will have plenty of time to grieve. But right now, I want whatever time we have left together to be awesome! I've been told that because of this sentiment, I am in denial. I really am not, I'm just choosing to believe Jesus when He said that each day has enough trouble of its own and not to worry about tomorrow.
I will write again after we get the results and talk to the doctor. Please keep Mom in your prayers. We have felt them sustaining us and are so thankful!!!
I don't know what the doctor will say, but I have a few ideas of his options. Right now, Mom is on 3/5 a dose of chemo (due to her weakness in the beginning of this course of treatment). He may decide to give her the full dose and see if it is more effective. From what I've read, sometimes they decide radiation is beneficial (although our dr has never mentioned this). There's always the chance that the bloodwork was a fluke, but it had risen a few points last month as well, so my heart tells me that is not likely. If the CT scan shows that the cancer has spread to organs, such as liver, kidneys, pancreas, etc., the most likely option will be comfort measures through the Hospice program.
As I type the word Hospice, my heart sobs. It's not as if this hasn't been a possibility for a while. It's not as if Mom hasn't been miraculously surviving everything they said she wouldn't. It's not as though I haven't prepared myself many times in the past 2 years for the end of this horrid disease. It's not that I don't have faith that God knows what He's doing, He's God...He knows the beginning from the end. It's not that I feel as though I've been abandoned or forsaken by God because His presence has been ever-near throughout this entire time. It's not that I somehow think He's doing wrong by my mom....He loves her more than I ever could.
So why is my heart sobbing? Sadness....sadness at the thought of losing my mom at a younger-than-normal age. Losing my best friend, my confidant, the person who probably loves me the most in the entire world besides God. Sadness at thinking that she won't be there for me to talk to when things are tough, or good for that matter.
Yes, it's sad. But, my sadness at this time is almost on the side of silliness. We won't know the results of Mom's CT scan for probably another week. She could be miraculously healed by that time. Or I may be in a car wreck. Or...North Korea & the US could launch their missiles and we might find ourselves in the middle of a nuclear war. There's no telling what life will be like a week from now.
So for the time being, I'm going to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the awesome relationship I have with my mom. Thankful for the time I've had with her, and still do! Thankful that God is keeping His promise to never leave nor forsake me. Thankful...just because my heart is thankful to Him at this moment!
When the time comes that my mom is not on Earth with me, I will have plenty of time to grieve. But right now, I want whatever time we have left together to be awesome! I've been told that because of this sentiment, I am in denial. I really am not, I'm just choosing to believe Jesus when He said that each day has enough trouble of its own and not to worry about tomorrow.
I will write again after we get the results and talk to the doctor. Please keep Mom in your prayers. We have felt them sustaining us and are so thankful!!!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The end of my Molly girl:(
Today was a day that I really hate being an adult instead of a kid. I had to go to the hospital today to have a scope done - down my throat to look at my esophagus and stomach. It turned out alright, so I probably have to have my gall bladder taken out, as they think that's the problem.
After I left the hospital, Mom and I went to the vet's office to check on my dog, Molly. Molly started looking sick on Friday, then refused to eat anything from Saturday on. The vet said that her liver wasn't working, but they would try medications. When we got there today, though, the vet said she was worse and she looked bad. So I had to make a very adult decision that I didn't like. I had to decide to put my dog down. I sat with her, holding her head until it was done, which was quick. She's not in any pain now, which I'm glad. She was definitely the best dog ever and I know that I will miss having her here and snuggling up to me to give her Mommy love!
Molly didn't really like to have her picture taken that much. lol If she was "sitting", she always looked so regal!
That's my Molly girl!!
After I left the hospital, Mom and I went to the vet's office to check on my dog, Molly. Molly started looking sick on Friday, then refused to eat anything from Saturday on. The vet said that her liver wasn't working, but they would try medications. When we got there today, though, the vet said she was worse and she looked bad. So I had to make a very adult decision that I didn't like. I had to decide to put my dog down. I sat with her, holding her head until it was done, which was quick. She's not in any pain now, which I'm glad. She was definitely the best dog ever and I know that I will miss having her here and snuggling up to me to give her Mommy love!
Molly didn't really like to have her picture taken that much. lol If she was "sitting", she always looked so regal!
That's my Molly girl!!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Unfair portion of life....
Sometimes, it seems as though life hits much harder than absolutely necessary. This has been one of those times.
This past week, my mother's brother passed away, my dad's medications have become out-of-whack and my mother's cancer has come out of remission. When life slows down, I'm pretty sure that I will have a good cry about all of it, but right now, it doesn't seem possible.
My mom's brother, Jack, died Monday (7/14) morning. In the afternoon, we had an appointment with Mom's oncologist because she's been having some all-too-familiar belly pain. Sure enough, he confirmed that Mom's cancer levels have jumped to 75, which means she is not in remission and the cancer is growing again.
We asked him to be completely honest and he said "OK, here it is: Ovarian cancer is strange in that the 1st time your cancer goes into remission is always the longest remission you will have. Each subsequent remission will be shorter than the one before it. So the 2nd will be shorter than the 1st, the 3rd will be shorter than the 2nd and so on." I think I have read that somewhere since it sounded familiar. I must have blocked it, though, because Mom's only actually been in remission for about 7 months. So yeah, if you do the math....it's not good at all.
You know those times that you don't think life is fair....this is definitely one of those times. I am definitely coveting your prayers for my mother and our family. We plan to have a healing service for her soon -- we just have to get back from this funeral to plan it. We also meet with Mom's oncologist Monday for some more test results and to set up her chemo schedule. So I will write more soon.
This past week, my mother's brother passed away, my dad's medications have become out-of-whack and my mother's cancer has come out of remission. When life slows down, I'm pretty sure that I will have a good cry about all of it, but right now, it doesn't seem possible.
My mom's brother, Jack, died Monday (7/14) morning. In the afternoon, we had an appointment with Mom's oncologist because she's been having some all-too-familiar belly pain. Sure enough, he confirmed that Mom's cancer levels have jumped to 75, which means she is not in remission and the cancer is growing again.
We asked him to be completely honest and he said "OK, here it is: Ovarian cancer is strange in that the 1st time your cancer goes into remission is always the longest remission you will have. Each subsequent remission will be shorter than the one before it. So the 2nd will be shorter than the 1st, the 3rd will be shorter than the 2nd and so on." I think I have read that somewhere since it sounded familiar. I must have blocked it, though, because Mom's only actually been in remission for about 7 months. So yeah, if you do the math....it's not good at all.
You know those times that you don't think life is fair....this is definitely one of those times. I am definitely coveting your prayers for my mother and our family. We plan to have a healing service for her soon -- we just have to get back from this funeral to plan it. We also meet with Mom's oncologist Monday for some more test results and to set up her chemo schedule. So I will write more soon.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Thoughts in my head......
So, it's been a rough couple of weeks.
We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.
I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?
I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!
We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.
I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?
I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!
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