Today, April 3rd, the oncologist's office called. Mom had chemo Wed, April 1st. At that appointment, they did her CA 125 (ovarian cancer marker). They called today with the reuslts....the numbers are still rising, even though she is taking chemo. The doctor said he's going to wait until Mom has her CT scan done to decide the next step. Her CT scan had originally been scheduled for April 22, but we called today to move it up to April 7. So it will most likely be the middle of April before we know anything.
I don't know what the doctor will say, but I have a few ideas of his options. Right now, Mom is on 3/5 a dose of chemo (due to her weakness in the beginning of this course of treatment). He may decide to give her the full dose and see if it is more effective. From what I've read, sometimes they decide radiation is beneficial (although our dr has never mentioned this). There's always the chance that the bloodwork was a fluke, but it had risen a few points last month as well, so my heart tells me that is not likely. If the CT scan shows that the cancer has spread to organs, such as liver, kidneys, pancreas, etc., the most likely option will be comfort measures through the Hospice program.
As I type the word Hospice, my heart sobs. It's not as if this hasn't been a possibility for a while. It's not as if Mom hasn't been miraculously surviving everything they said she wouldn't. It's not as though I haven't prepared myself many times in the past 2 years for the end of this horrid disease. It's not that I don't have faith that God knows what He's doing, He's God...He knows the beginning from the end. It's not that I feel as though I've been abandoned or forsaken by God because His presence has been ever-near throughout this entire time. It's not that I somehow think He's doing wrong by my mom....He loves her more than I ever could.
So why is my heart sobbing? Sadness....sadness at the thought of losing my mom at a younger-than-normal age. Losing my best friend, my confidant, the person who probably loves me the most in the entire world besides God. Sadness at thinking that she won't be there for me to talk to when things are tough, or good for that matter.
Yes, it's sad. But, my sadness at this time is almost on the side of silliness. We won't know the results of Mom's CT scan for probably another week. She could be miraculously healed by that time. Or I may be in a car wreck. Or...North Korea & the US could launch their missiles and we might find ourselves in the middle of a nuclear war. There's no telling what life will be like a week from now.
So for the time being, I'm going to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the awesome relationship I have with my mom. Thankful for the time I've had with her, and still do! Thankful that God is keeping His promise to never leave nor forsake me. Thankful...just because my heart is thankful to Him at this moment!
When the time comes that my mom is not on Earth with me, I will have plenty of time to grieve. But right now, I want whatever time we have left together to be awesome! I've been told that because of this sentiment, I am in denial. I really am not, I'm just choosing to believe Jesus when He said that each day has enough trouble of its own and not to worry about tomorrow.
I will write again after we get the results and talk to the doctor. Please keep Mom in your prayers. We have felt them sustaining us and are so thankful!!!
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