Grief that's Real for Singles Too

Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a couple comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re struggling with fertility issues but desire to have a family? The Church comes up, surrounds them and covers them in prayer, asking God to bless them with a baby. And then after prayer, many of the church come forward with hugs, words of encouragement and telling them it’s OK to cry and grieve. Then they go home together and share their grief with one another, cry together, cry out to God together.

Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a single adult comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re lonely and desire to have someone to share life with and one day have a family? The church may pray for God to send them a spouse. Afterwards, some will come give them a hug and word of encouragement, but many of the church will come up to the single person to tell them that “God is their spouse”, they should “learn to be content” and don’t forget “God is more than enough”. Or my personal favorite (that was actually said to me when I was 32, in a not-so-supportive tone) “God may have the right one out there for you. If He does, then you can finally grow up, settle down and learn what REAL problems are.” Yeah, you’ve guessed correctly that this person made the “I'm not gonna shed any tears if her room in God's mansion in Heaven is FAR away from mine” list. Then the single person goes home, feeling more alone than before, and many times cries to God asking Him to forgive them for even having the desire of marriage in the first place. And as we get older, we grieve the fact that we also can’t have a child…our hopes of family are most likely gone. And we cry out to God…alone because we don’t want another lecture about how we need to learn to be content. We want someone to tell us it’s OK to hurt, to cry, to grieve.

I’m not saying that one group’s grief is worse than the other. I’m just pointing out that one group’s grief is validated while the other group is left feeling guilty they grieve in the first place. Single adults make up 50% of the American population. Scan your congregation tomorrow morning. Are 50% of the adults single? I’d wager they’re not. I’m aware there are many different reasons for this. But I’d like to throw out the possibility that the way the church reveres marriage and family as a higher calling than singleness, and the attitude with which each group is treated, might be one of the reasons. And then I would suggest that we love one another with the love of Christ, regardless of our status or station in life, that we truly learn to love one another and be the Body of Christ.

Ten years ago today...

I heard someone on the news talking about the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  Then I realized that 10 years ago today, I was on a plane on my way to China.  Wow!  10 years!  Is it possible for 10 years to seem like the blink of an eye & also feel like 2 lifetimes all at the same time??  I hope so, because that's where I am!

Ten years ago right now, I was flying for the first time in my life!  I remember how the pilot on one flight said we'd made good time & arrived early because of Katrina (tailwinds or something).  I remember that on the last leg of the journey - the flight from Tokyo to Guangzhou - I started feeling really sick.  I mean, the smells of the food we'd been served made me nauseous.  I couldn't hardly make myself eat the food, which left me hungry.  Throw in some turbulence and exhaustion...and I was done!  Seriously, I was done.  On the last flight, I had it out with God.  I told Him, in no uncertain terms, that the moment we landed & I got my luggage, I was putting a return flight on my credit card and staying at the airport until I flew home.  There was no way I could do this...I am not adventurous enough to eat foods that the smells make me sick.  I could not live a year where I couldn't understand the language (I already couldn't understand the flight attendants).  Others on my team had a shared history, so not only was I feeling bad, but I was already the odd-man out...and we hadn't even landed yet.  So I waited until the light changed signaling I could go to the restroom, walked back there, threw up and then bawled my eyes out and threw up again.

The more I told God I was going back home, the less nauseous I felt.  I figured that meant I had God's approval & it was His peace.  I thought He must have been testing my faith like He did with Abraham...just seeing if I was truly willing to make the sacrifice He asked, then at the last minute He was saying He wouldn't hold me to it.  As I walked back up the aisle and took my seat, I could see beautiful city lights.  The pilot began to speak (not in English)...the only word I understood was "Guangzhou" ...the city I was to live in.  I looked out the window at the lights again and heard God, in His still, small voice, say, "This is why you're here.  Take a good look.  There are MILLIONS living in this city.  They don't know Me.  Some have never even heard of My Name.  And they WILL spend eternity in Hell when they die if they don't know Me.  You have to tell them about Me."   Then He said "Yes, this is going to be a hard year.  Yes, you're going to feel left out at times.  Yes, there will be times you will cry out to Me fearing I've forsaken you.  That's because you're still living on Earth.  This is life, there are seasons.  Yes, this year will be more intense because you're away from all you know and all that is familiar.  But know this, the fire is where purification takes place.  It will be hard, you will want to quit, but I am with you.  My Word's still true - I will NEVER leave or forsake you.  And I love you!  I want you to share My love with others this year just as you do at home, but know that I am drawing you even closer to Me...  I am jealous for your heart and I will take full advantage of the fact that you're physically away from all you know & love to show you My love, to grow you in Me, to become your best friend, to become the 1st One you turn to.  Yes, this year will be hard, but I promise you will be blessed as well.  And, I love you and will never leave you!  Do you trust Me?"  Well, He'd never not kept His Word to me before, so I had to trust Him.

So, when the plane landed, we got our 3000 pounds of luggage - or maybe it was 2-70 lb suitcases & 2 carry-ons :), met teammates I'd only met online prior to that night and got on a bus that took us to our apartment.  It was around midnight, I was starved, exhausted and still an emotional wreck.  I remember a couple of us going to the C-store across the street - I got Pringles & a Coke Light.  Ahh, a little comfort. :)  I remember calling Mom to let her know we'd landed & "yes, I promise I'm fine".  Yeah, it was a lie you tell your Momma when you're on the other side of the world so she doesn't freak out.  I think I cried myself to sleep while feeling extremely claustrophobic in the bottom bunk and more emotional than I'd felt in a long time. lol

No, the year was not easy.  But, I did fall even more in love with Jesus than I thought possible.  And God continued to keep His Word - He never left me.  Every tear, every sniffle, every doubt, every giggle, every "arrgghhh" moment, He was right there with me.  And though it wasn't easy, I am forever thankful that I followed when I heard His voice.

Not Every Single Woman at Church Wants your Husband

I wasn't going to say anything, but my heart is just so troubled by a call that I received from a friend last week.  She’s a fairly new believer and very newly plugged in to a church.  She’s a smidge younger than me (early 30s).  She’s single, never been married.  She’s found a church where she has friends that attend and she really enjoys.

Here’s why my heart is breaking.  She called to say that she’d been told her friends no longer feel comfortable spending so much time with her.  Her friends are all married.  And some of the church leaders had counseled her friends that it’s not wise to invite my friend (who is *gasp* single) because she’s probably trying to steal their husbands!  She never called just to talk to the husbands.  She never sought out time to be alone with the husbands.  But, since she’s single, it’s a given that she’s out to wreck the marriage!  This infuriates me!

And this hit a nerve, because I've had similar things said about and to me.  It’s so sad that the Church not only allows this kind of mindset, but in some places, actually perpetuates this attitude.  I remember when my friends and I were fresh out of college…starting the (first of many) wedding rounds.  I was in a friend’s wedding, and at the rehearsal I found out I was walking down the aisle with the husband of the gal who was coordinating things.  I was seriously confused when I took the guy’s offered arm to walk down the aisle (you know, like at a wedding), and his wife said “oh, I don’t think you need to be THAT close!”  At the dinner after rehearsal, I overheard her telling others that since I was the only single gal there, they should watch out because I was probably after their husbands/fiancés.  Seriously?  I mean, it’s a wedding procession for goodness’ sake.  And really, I didn't think your husband was all that.  I thought it was a one-time incident, but sadly it wasn't.

I've had friends tell me that we just can’t be very close anymore because the leaders in their churches have warned them about being friends with a single woman…oddly no one’s been told this about their single male friends.  Here’s the deal…God has not given me peace to date a divorced man whose wife left him.  So, why on earth would I try to steal your husband?!  Not to mention the fact that YOU ARE MY FRIEND….or at least supposed to be….why would I do anything to hurt you?!  If I get married one day, and God-forbid you find yourself divorced or widowed, do I need to worry about you stealing my husband??  I should hope not!!

I am so very thankful for the brothers in Christ I have gained when my friends got married!  I love my girl time with my gals….but I also love being able to hang out with them as a couple.  I’m thankful for the sisters in Christ I now have when my guy friends got married!  And I love when they have kids and I get to be the cool “Aunt Mere”.  I’m thankful when I can ask a question about purchasing a furnace, get help on fixing the lawnmower, and get a guy’s perspective on how things are progressing (or not) with the guy I’m crushing on!

I’m concerned that I’m seeing/hearing an increase in the attitude that single women are out to steal husbands or worse yet, being accused of having a Jezebel spirit.  The percentage of adults that are single is rising.  I pray that doesn’t mean the accusations are going to increase as well.  I pray for the day that single adults can be viewed as WHOLE, not half of a person.  I pray for the day that genuine friendships are not viewed in any way other than Godly.

Hearing a call...

Just yesterday, I found myself in 2 different conversations regarding my 4-month stint with the New Life Drama Company. So, I started reminiscing. That means the good, the bad & the ugly comes to mind! My time with NLDC was quite the ride! Just getting there was a huge part of the ride!

In July of 2002, we had a NLDC team at church camp. This was probably the 2nd or 3rd time I'd seen various teams and I loved what they did! I loved their skits during devotions & services. And I truly appreciated that they served. They served the campers, but they also served the staff. It was common to see at least 2 of the 7 team members serving food in the cafeteria. They were sweeping floors in the dorms, cleaning bathrooms in the chapel, just finding little ways to serve us. And most of the time, it was without being asked to do so! At this time, I was working at the Clay County Counseling Center as a Social Worker at a job that I actually enjoyed. I worked with an adult program working with those in a residential home - teaching adult living skills. I also took Crisis Call, in which I counseled (and sometimes hospitalized) suicidal and/or homicidal people. It sounds crazy, but I really did like the job.

And liking the job as much as I did is what made what I heard that week at church camp even more weird. I remember sharing with my mom and a few close friends "I think I'm supposed to join NLDC...just for one tour, but I think I'm supposed to". Now, mind you, I had never done ANY acting...none at all! I wasn't even in school musicals because of my work study job. I had sang in front of people and spoke in front of people, but NEVER acted! So, feeling God calling me to this was really strange! And since it was so strange, the week after church camp ended...I calloused my heart toward the tug at my heart and tried to forget about it. Plus my mom had been having weird allergic reactions...and we didn't know to what. But in the 2 months prior to that week of camp, the hospital (where she worked) had called me 4 times that I needed to get there because she'd had a reaction and they were getting ready to intubate. Fortunately, they didn't have to, but once we had to call the ambulance to have her taken to ER and she had since had to carry AND use an epi pen. My dad couldn't drive and my sister was in college and working full time. So I was scared to leave my mom...what if she needed me during that time. What if she had a reaction and died because I wasn't there to call the ambulance. This all made it a little easier to ignore the tugging at my heart.

The next month, the counseling center was overtaken by a different agency. This new agency was one that I could not work under with a clear conscience. So I planned to not ask for re-hire through them and draw unemployment for a few months while job searching again. I also applied for my Substitute Teacher certification. The 3rd week of August, I was called to sub, and thus began a huge part of my life...but that's a different story! The last day of August, I felt that tug about NLDC so strongly that I couldn't really deny it. So I spoke to my parents and my pastor, called the NLDC office and began the application process. I sent my paperwork in the first week of September and waited and waited. I called the office and they said they'd lost my pastor's recommendation, but other than that, I was probably in. So on Wednesday, Sept 11, my pastor got the phone call & when I stopped by his house, he said "yeah, you're most likely in"! On Thursday, Sept 12, I got a phone call from NLDC Homebase. I was accepted & expected to report to Cleveland, TN on Sunday. That Sunday -- September 15th! AGH!! Talk about short notice!!

So I began choosing clothes "bring all seasons of clothing because you don't know which region of the nation you'll be assigned to" that fit into ONE medium suitcase. Yeah, one suitcase for 4 months! I had to raise mission support, so the Friday I sent out letters to every church and basically every Christian I knew! I had enough money in my checking account to pay the initial joining fee, but that was about it. And though the drama co paid for food and transportation, I still needed money for essentials (soap, shampoo, sodas @ gas stations, etc.) On Sunday morning, I shared with my church that I would be leaving that afternoon and be back for Christmas. I came home, had lunch with my parents and sister, and then I got into my car & drove to Cleveland, TN.

I listened to worship music the whole time (that I wasn't talking to my mom on my cell phone haha). I remember thinking..."I know NOTHING about acting! Maybe they'll let me be the person that runs the music for different skits. Maybe I'll be on a team that's big enough that I won't have to be in many skits! I have NO idea what I'm getting into!"

I was in my car, following a dream that God had recently put into my heart that I really did not understand. All that I did understand was this: God was calling me, and I had NO peace until I followed. And though I was nervous, scared and anxious for that whole trip, I still had the peace of God in my heart....and I knew that was all I needed.

Do you know....

Tonight I will be going to Iuka GB Church. My pastor is preaching there and has asked me to come and sing a song. The song is one from IHOP....the chorus is "Do you know that you've caught My eye, in the secret place where you chose to die? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?" The verses aren't really written...they're more prophetic flowing - something that God wants to share. I always find prophetic singing awesome and scary. It's so awesome that God can use His people in such a way, and I'm so humbled to be one of them, but I get scared that I will hear (and in turn speak/sing) incorrectly. I think that fear is a good thing, though...it's the healthy "fear of the Lord". It makes me seek Him harder because I truly want to share His heart with His people. I mean that's the whole purpose anyway....to hear, know and share the heart of God.

Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!

I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!