Why I don’t go to church on Mother’s Day…

Disclaimer: I am not seeking pity, just honestly sharing my heart.

Today I am struggling. I suppose it’s my fault that I got onto Facebook & Twitter on Mother’s Day weekend. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not on a crusade against Mother’s Day or moms. I love moms. I loved my mom so much it could make my heart hurt. But when you are a single woman over the age of 25, the Church can feel like the most cruel place to be on Mother’s Day. I’m not going to lie – I haven’t gone to Church on Mother’s Day since my mom died. Sitting in the crowd, not being a mother and no longer having a mother, when all the moms are asked to stand or given a rose – and almost EVERY woman over 25 but you falls in that category – is hard. Before you start to lecture me or preach at me, answer this question – when was the last time you went to a church where you knew next to no one by yourself? And then came home to no spouse to talk with about the sermon? I go to churches all the time in southern Illinois as a single 34-year-old – I DO hard all of the time…this day can just sting the heart more. And, I’m not disqualifying the pain of those who deal with infertility, I've prayed and cried more prayers and tears with these friends than I can remember. But they are usually sitting in the pew with their husbands – having someone to mourn with the loss of what they thought life would be. I’m not trying to diminish that pain. But it’s not the same as a single woman, sitting by herself, praying with all that is within her that God will keep her heart from being offended…because her heart desires to be married and adopt a rainbow tribe of children to love.

I know that I am blessed beyond belief. God gave me to one of the most wonderful mothers to ever walk the face of the earth. I was blessed that my grandmother loved and taught me so much. I’m blessed to have aunts that are so good to me. I’m blessed that I grew up in the Church & have had so many honorary mothers and grandmothers I couldn't name them all. I know that I am blessed. And for those blessings, I will forever be grateful! I will continue to do what my mother taught me – honor these ladies all year long. My mom hated the corsages & the pomp on Mother’s Day. When I was about 7, she told me “Show me you love me all year long, not just on one made-up holiday”. I do celebrate moms! I pray that you are blessed with children who show you they love you all year long! And I will do my best to show you that too! Rather than bursting in tears, looking completely sad & ruining your celebration, I’ll just be praying for you & the ones that gave you the title “Mom” from my prayer closet at home on Mother’s Day morning!

Thanksgiving!

Well, it's officially Thanksgiving 2011. The turkey has been baked & meat pulled off the bird. The noodles have been made (about 4 times extra). And I even have some homemade Christmas ornaments in the oven baking. I got everything for my tomorrow morning "to do" list finished, except for peeling the potatos. And Daddy has graciously said he'd do that for me! :) I'm trying not to be too pleased with myself, but I managed to get all of that finished after baby-sitting Ryan all day, and while taking meds for a nasty UTI and some kidney problems.

This year for Thanksgiving, Daddy & I will be at home, just the two of us. We were invited to be with family, but since I'm not feeling so great, we're going to hang out at home. I was worried that this would be hard for Daddy. But he seems to be quite OK with the arrangement.

I am so thankful for the peace and joy God gives us!

Whew! Another holiday season is over...

The holiday season has now passed! Whew! It's almost as though I'm hearing a collective sigh throughout the region! haha I know that I'm not alone when I say that this holiday season seemed to be the longest, most exhausting. I've had well-meaning people tell me that it's because Mom wasn't here, but that's honestly not it. I can't pinpoint it, but other people have shared this comment...and they haven't lost loved ones. It was just a long and stressful season.

I'm pretty sure I know what the problem was for me. I fell back into trying to please people. I found myself more than once (or twice or 20 times) thinking "will this make so & so happy? will he/she be angry if I don't do this? I hope I don't disappoint anybody!" Ahh, there's the root of it! People-pleasing is all about not wanting to disappoint others. And while I'm not advocating that we purposefully disappoint people...I know that I need to remember that there's only One whose opinion and approval of me counts! I think that's why the season was so long for me...I forgot to ask Jesus what would make Him pleased with me. I genuinely love people and want to see them happy, but I let my priorities get out of whack!

Now I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. They are almost always goals that are way too stinkin' high and unattainable. And that's what makes us become discouraged so quickly that we just give up rather than keep trying. So I'm not planning any resolutions for New Year's. I am, though, working to re-train my focus again.

I need for my focus to not be on myself or even others during this season. I feel that this is a season in which God is really calling me unto Himself. No, this doesn't mean I can quit taking care of my dad or stop talking to people altogether. What it does mean, though, is that I need to work on my priorities. If He's not my #1 priority, nothing else will be right. He has to be the foundation. Anything that's built on an unstable or cracked foundation will surely be destroyed. So no matter how many wonderful things I may do - even in His name, will crumble if He's not the foundation. So that's what I'm striving for...to put God first and foremost in a way I've not done yet. Not so much a New Year's resolution, but a daily (and sometimes momentary) resolution. And really, when I remember how much He loves me, how much He desires to spend time with me, to impart to me what He's feeling and what He's thinking....it makes it so much easier to remember to spend time with Him!

That time again...

Yep, it's that time again. It's getting close to my birthday. On Sunday, I shall become 31-year-old! As per norm, I take my birthday as a time to reflect upon my life, the paths I've taken, decisions made, changes in circumstances and my growth in God.

This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.

I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.

OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!

So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.

Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!

Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!

Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!

Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.

Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!

M & M hanging out!

On the Friday before Easter, Mom & I were blessed with the opportunity to go see Aunt Peggy, Uncle Phil as well as Marie & Parker!

I wish I had gotten a picture of Mom & Parker, but I was busy. They had fun playing with Parker's toys in the family room. I actually think that Mom might have had more fun than Parker. And that kept him entertained! haha Parker & Marie did take some time to play the piano. Jen, I think he's going to be a musician!






Marie & I were busy in the kitchen. Marie made cupcakes - from scratch! You rock girl! Then we mixed up some icing in different colors and decorated cupcakes & cookies. To say that we had fun would be an understatement. Marie has to be one of the coolest cousins EVER! :)

New Year's!!!

For the second year in a row, I was blessed with the opportunity to spend 5 days in Kansas City, MO at the Onething conference! It was such an awesome time!! This year the conference had an emphasis on End-times, which proved to be beyond interesting! We headed out Dec 28th & came back Jan 1st. I believe there were 18,000 in attendance - it is always so awe-inspiring to be amongst such a large number of like-minded people!

For New Year's Eve, we had 2nd row seats on the left side...so we were pretty close to the stage. The people in front of are the "dancing" section.

My camera didn't want to take very good pictures. Plus, I'm so short, I couldn't get a good view of the arena.

I stole, ehem, borrowed this picture from the IHOP facebook site. It's a clearer shot of the stage & attendees....from about 1/4 of the way back from the front! It was packed! The worship & teachings were absolutely amazing (as always)! And the time we spent as a group, fellowshiping with and ministering to one another were beyond words!

Christmas with my boys!!

Amanda, Jeremy & the boys were at her parents for Christmas. We had to delay our get-together because of the slick roads. But I did get to see them before I left!

It was too cute! As soon as Aunt Meredith got there holding a bag of presents, they knew what was going on! We told them they had to wait until Judson was up from his nap....so they spent a good 20 minutes telling Amanda "I really think Judson wants to wake up right now"! Too adorable!

I'm not strong enough, though...I caved. (Or maybe it was Amanda, but probably me!) They got to open their individual (non-sharing) presents before Judson woke up. Josiah is 5, so he's a pro at this Christmas present opening bit!

Jonathan got a Cars shirt that lights up. I didn't get a picture, but I'm pretty sure the shirt went about within half an hour after opening. It was a big hit! My favorite thing was hearing him say "I think...it's another box!" I'm sure that was a learned phrase either from Daddy or an uncle......hmm....maybe Grandpa.....


Finally, they got to wake Judson up to open his presents (and the shared presents). I'm convinced that I only need to get bags filled with tissue paper until the 3rd Christmas! I love watching kids open presents!


Ah, I did get a picture of the Cars shirt! They got books to share, as well as a puzzle book that they played with. They each got clothes. I really wasn't being cheap. They're moving to Brazil within the next few months, and I was honestly thinking of shipping prices for their mama!


I'm so thankful I got to spend time with the Tylers this year at Christmas! Especially since they will most likely be in Brazil by the next one. Hmm...do I sense a sub-tropical Christmas trip coming? Possibly! No, really, I have an invite from Jeremy - to the jungle...he wants to take me where I'll get be-headed. Amanda said I can come 2 times - in the city & the jungle. She must want to spend time with me before the be-heading! It's good to have best friends that go way back! :)

Christmas!!

I believe it is official. I love to take pictures, but am really the worst person to take pictures at gatherings. I get too involved talking (I know, no one can believe that! haha) and I forget to take pictures! So here's what few I have...

I think I went a little overboard on the goodies for no more people than we had. :) But it was fun! I really liked the white chocolate/peppermint fudge recipe!

Here was our true entertainment for the evening! Parker! It's been a LONG time since there were little ones at our house for Christmas. Jen & I are close in age, then Chelle follows by 2 1/2 years. So, yeah, it's been over 25 years since we've had a baby at the house on Christmas! He is such a happy baby and was so much fun! I'll have to get a copy of the pic where he & I are playing a piano duet!

Jeannine, Aunt Peg & Jen are all modeling their new scarves & hats. I got a loom this fall and had a blast! They all look so cute!

And the tradition continues....We actually open presents on Christmas Eve night. So when everyone else leaves, we clean up quickly, then pile all of our presents to one another under the tree. And this is the last picture I took - not a single picture of present-opening. Guess I was just too excited!!

Thanksgiving!

Another Thanksgiving Day has arrived. I honestly try to spend time each day being thankful, but when a holiday is completely dedicated to this concept, I try to spend a little more time contemplating.

This past Sunday at church our pastor asked us to answer aloud 'what are you thankful for?" I listened to everyone's response, all the while thinking "I should be speaking that I am thankful for my mom still being alive" but I didn't feel led to say anything. So I spent some time praying & contemplating "For what am I truly thankful?" Finally I gave an answer. "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I were without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me."

There are so many things for which we all have reason to be thankful. The fact that we are breathing means we're alive to serve Him another day. The family members and friends that we still have with us. Most likely if you're reading this, you share the thanks that I do of having shelter provided, as well as food to eat. Those of us that are living in America should be thankful for the freedoms that we still have - one of the most important being the freedom to worship God freely.

I am most thankful, though, for my God who loves me. The Lord that says "you have ravished My heart with one glance of your eye." The God that loves me through it all and never leaves my side. Oh how much I have to be thankful for!!

4th of July!!

On Friday, we celebrated America's Independence Day. I decided that we should have a party, so I got to cookin' in the kitchen!

I do have a tip. If you're going to add powdered sugar to make fondant or icing, you should turn OFF the KitchenAid mixer BEFORE adding the sugar. I honestly have not forgotten this since, well Mom said she never remembered me being so silly in the kitchen. lol So she decided to get a shot of my stupidity. It was a MESS to clean out of my hair!

Instead of making a big cake, I decided to make star-shaped cupcakes and decorate them with fondant. They were a big hit!


Mom & Daddy did the grilling together. Aren't they cute?! Circumstances turned out strange. Daddy actually had to work Friday until 8, so he was going to miss the party. He called in the early afternoon, though, because he had one of his horrible headaches. So we brought him home, gave him medicine & sent him to bed. Fortunately, the meds worked because his headache didn't go away, but it was better and he was able to enjoy the party!!

We set up the tables in the screened-in tent outside. I hate bugs when I'm trying to eat!

I pray that you all took a minute or two to really focus on the "independence" part of the day. We are so blessed to live in a country which we are free. I've lived where there is no governmental freedom, and let me tell you...I have a new appreciation for ours!