Today would have been my mom's 67th birthday. My flesh wants to scream how it's entirely unfair that I didn't get to celebrate any birthdays with her past her 59th. Then my mind logically reminds me that many people don't even get to spend 30 birthdays with one or both parents. And a lot of people aren't close to their parents or don't get along with them well. And I was very fortunate to be very close to and get along amazingly with my mom. As I transitioned from childhood to adulthood, she became my best friend. She was the person I talked to every day (or almost) because I wanted to (not like many people's "dutiful" calls to parents). She was my earthy rock, my anchor, my sounding board.
Oh, don't get me wrong....she was my mom first and foremost, until the end. Even when I was her caregiver, she would let me know if she thought I was getting too big for my britches and needed to be knocked down a level or two...she had no qualms going full mom-mode to let me know. Now when I catch myself behaving in a manner or pulling an attitude she wouldn't have approved, I can hear her voice, "Listen here, little girl...." When my mom called us "baby girl", it was always out of sweetness - something nice was to follow. But when she called us "little girl"...well, let's just say it had an edge to it. And you probably weren't going to enjoy what followed. lol But I know it was out of her love for me, her desire to see me become who God intended me to be. She loved me too much to let me start down or stay on a wrong path.
Today, I got good news. And, like every time I get good news, the first person I wanted to share the news with was my mom. Oh, I called and messaged a few people. But almost all were super busy, life is hectic for all of us. And you only get a few people that will drop everything to celebrate with you like your momma. And knowing it was her birthday caused it to sting a big more. So, I missed her today...
And I told God about it. I told Him it's not fair. I told Him that I was angry that He didn't heal her. And that she died. And I cried, like mean, ugly cried. (There are less than a handful of people that have seen me do this in person and not a whole lot more that I've ever admitted it to...just because it's not a usual response for me, and I'm not normally inclined to share when it is.) And then everything took a turn south. I told Him of my anger about being here all alone. I followed His voice and said no to relationships that most likely would have ended in marriage....only to be almost 38 and still single. He sent spouses to all of my close friends and they left. I've made new friends, but they have other, older, closer friends. He'd left me here all alone...I'm nobody's first thought in the morning, nobody's first call to share news. And I told Him I didn't appreciate it!
And God was, as He always is, a patient Father. He didn't leave. When I was done, He didn't scold me, He didn't punish me. He let me feel His arms wrapped around me. He calmed my spirit. He gently reminded me of the truth I've shared with others...that "fair" isn't what we really want..."fair" is punishment for our sins - eternal separation from God. He reminded me that He had given me to an amazing mother. He reminded me that we live in a fallen world, a world where sickness and disease are a reality...and that I'm beyond thankful she's not suffering or in pain anymore. He reminded me that He did heal Mom, just not in the way my heart desired. He reminded me that this life is "but a vapor" and I'm almost 38 -- quite possibly at the half of a vapor mark myself. In the grand scheme of eternity, we all only have a few seconds on this earth. He never promised us how long we'd have, but He promises to never leave us. And I know that He's never left me. Then He reminded me that if my mom were here & I was crying to her about all of these things, she would probably give me a "baby girl/little girl" combo. lol "It's OK, baby girl, you're gonna make it, you're strong and God will give you His strength." Followed by, "Now, listen here, little girl, it's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start being thankful for what God's blessed you with!"
And then I giggled, and my eyes leaked some thankful tears. Thankful for His great love for me. Thankful that He doesn't leave me, that He listens to me - yelling and all. Thankful that He's so patient with me. Thankful that I could imagine what my mom's response would be. Thankful that I am truly happy she's not in pain. Thankful that I know on the day I see Him face to face, I'll also see my sweet, feisty momma!
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Monday, June 12, 2017
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Yep...I'm 30 now!
So I turned 30 last Saturday. That's right...the big 3-0!! I think I've dealt with it relatively well. I only had a few weeks of dreading it. But I think I said it aloud often enough before the day itself that I was ready to say "why yes, I am 30 years old".
Every few months or so, I try to take time for reflection. Where did I think my life was going? Am I there yet? Am I on the right track? Did I really hear the Lord say that this is the right direction? Turning 30 seemed like a good time to reflect. I began to think "What's the difference in my life now & what I thought it would be like 10 years ago?"
Ten years ago, I was celebrating my 20th birthday in my new apartment in Carbondale. I was beginning my junior year in college at Southern Illinois University - Carbondale. I had originally planned to attend Oakland City University (a small General Baptist college in Indiana), but the day before I was to register, I felt the Lord tell me I was to go to SIU. So I was a tad bit excited, but mostly anxious. I remember dreaming about what my life would be like in 10 years...when I turned 30! Here was the plan for my life: Finish my Bachelor's in Social Work at SIU in 2001. Work for Department of Child & Family Services....let them pay for my Master's in Social Work. Stay working at DCFS for 30 years and retire with a full state pension by age 55. I wanted to buy the 5 acres behind my parents' property and build a house by the creek. (It's really GORGEOUS there!) I wanted to meet a wonderful, Godly man that wanted to serve God with me in our local church. I wanted to travel around the US and the world! I wanted to get married around age 30 & (if I'm able to conceive and carry) have a baby around 32. Yep, that was my plan in a nutshell. I prayed over these things and didn't really hear God say yes or no, so I thought they must be good ideas.
Here's what really happened: I finished my Bachelor's in Social Work in May 2001 as planned. I did my internship at DCFS before graduation, but was unable to be hired without a year of experience. So I took a job at Lutheran CFS and worked there for only 3 months before realizing I DIDN'T like the job that well! Ahhh! Plans gone awry! I began working in outpatient mental health at the local Counseling Center. I really enjoyed this job, even though I didn't think I would at all. I started to see myself there for a long time, and then the agency dissolved!
It was during that time that God called me to apply to the New Life Drama Company. I had no experience in acting, nor did I think I would enjoy it, but I followed His lead. So I spent a tour (3 1/2 months) on the road with NLDC. My team toured Southern California, Arizona, Texas and Nevada. It was AMAZING! When I returned home, I began substitute teaching and LOVED it! So I applied and began a program at Oakland City (yes, the same one I didn't attend earlier) to complete my Master's of Arts in Teaching degree. It was a tough 14 months complete with school work, substitute teaching and then student-teaching, but in the end I finished the program & received my teacher's license! Only to find no teaching positions, so I continued substitute teaching, still loving it & working almost every day!
In 2005, I applied & interviewed for the job that I had student-taught. It was going to be perfect! I knew the school, knew the kids & faculty & already had 1/4 of the lesson plans done! The day before the school board made a decision, God called me to do His work in China for a year. The school board had decided not to hire me, which I realized was all of God's sovereign plan. If I had been given the position here, I may not have gone to China. I spent the 2005-2006 school year teaching English at South China Agricultural University in Guangzhou, China. God worked in so many tremendous ways in that mission field! It was beyond an amazing experience! Two weeks before I was to leave for china, the doctors saw a brain tumor on my dad's CT scan. They didn't know if he would survive the surgery at all, and if he did, they thought there could be significant memory loss. God and I had to wrestle about my obedience to follow Him -- my dad might not be alive when I came home, or he may not remember who I was! God blessed me with wonderful parents who were positive that God had called me to be a missionary & they requested I follow Him. My dad's words were "if I die from the tumor or surgery, it's OK because I know where I'm going....there's millions of Chinese people who need for you to go and tell them about Jesus so they can have Him too". Can parents be anymore wonderful?!?!
While I was in China, I was also blessed with the opportunity to visit missionaries in Davao City, Philippines TWICE! Wonderful place, beautiful people! Wen I returned home from my year overseas, I accepted a national missions position for 2 months working for a church plant in Florida. When I left Florida, I came back home - or as my mom calls it "Meredith's home-base". haha
I began substitute teaching again and remembered that I loved it! Shortly after I returned home, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, so I understand why God had called me home. I was able to be with my parents 24/7 since I didn't have a full-time job. We've gone through chemo, remission, more chemo, horrid bowel obstruction ending in an ileostomy, and more chemo yet. And that's where I find things in my life on my 30th birthday!
So, is my life what I thought it would be? Not completely! I don't even work in Social Work anymore, I no longer have a desire to stay in Clay County, I've no prospects of marriage any time soon, and I'm the full-time caregiver for both of my parents. However, I was able to travel all over the US and a few places in this world, finish my Master's and serve my Jesus wherever He put me!
I'm not always glad about the circumstances in my life, but because of these circumstances (good and bad), I have fallen SO much more in love with my Jesus! And daily I'm learning more and more of His vast love for me as the Lover of my Soul, my Bridegroom, my Beloved!
In 10 years, when I turn (eeek) 40, I pray that I will look back on this time & say "Oh, that faith I thought I had. Oh, the love I thought I understood....I was such a baby in the Lord then!" I don't know where He will send me in the future, nor what job He will have me to do. But of this I am sure, as long as I am walking in His Will and following His steps, He will provide all of my needs and I will NEVER be alone!
Every few months or so, I try to take time for reflection. Where did I think my life was going? Am I there yet? Am I on the right track? Did I really hear the Lord say that this is the right direction? Turning 30 seemed like a good time to reflect. I began to think "What's the difference in my life now & what I thought it would be like 10 years ago?"
Ten years ago, I was celebrating my 20th birthday in my new apartment in Carbondale. I was beginning my junior year in college at Southern Illinois University - Carbondale. I had originally planned to attend Oakland City University (a small General Baptist college in Indiana), but the day before I was to register, I felt the Lord tell me I was to go to SIU. So I was a tad bit excited, but mostly anxious. I remember dreaming about what my life would be like in 10 years...when I turned 30! Here was the plan for my life: Finish my Bachelor's in Social Work at SIU in 2001. Work for Department of Child & Family Services....let them pay for my Master's in Social Work. Stay working at DCFS for 30 years and retire with a full state pension by age 55. I wanted to buy the 5 acres behind my parents' property and build a house by the creek. (It's really GORGEOUS there!) I wanted to meet a wonderful, Godly man that wanted to serve God with me in our local church. I wanted to travel around the US and the world! I wanted to get married around age 30 & (if I'm able to conceive and carry) have a baby around 32. Yep, that was my plan in a nutshell. I prayed over these things and didn't really hear God say yes or no, so I thought they must be good ideas.
Here's what really happened: I finished my Bachelor's in Social Work in May 2001 as planned. I did my internship at DCFS before graduation, but was unable to be hired without a year of experience. So I took a job at Lutheran CFS and worked there for only 3 months before realizing I DIDN'T like the job that well! Ahhh! Plans gone awry! I began working in outpatient mental health at the local Counseling Center. I really enjoyed this job, even though I didn't think I would at all. I started to see myself there for a long time, and then the agency dissolved!
It was during that time that God called me to apply to the New Life Drama Company. I had no experience in acting, nor did I think I would enjoy it, but I followed His lead. So I spent a tour (3 1/2 months) on the road with NLDC. My team toured Southern California, Arizona, Texas and Nevada. It was AMAZING! When I returned home, I began substitute teaching and LOVED it! So I applied and began a program at Oakland City (yes, the same one I didn't attend earlier) to complete my Master's of Arts in Teaching degree. It was a tough 14 months complete with school work, substitute teaching and then student-teaching, but in the end I finished the program & received my teacher's license! Only to find no teaching positions, so I continued substitute teaching, still loving it & working almost every day!
In 2005, I applied & interviewed for the job that I had student-taught. It was going to be perfect! I knew the school, knew the kids & faculty & already had 1/4 of the lesson plans done! The day before the school board made a decision, God called me to do His work in China for a year. The school board had decided not to hire me, which I realized was all of God's sovereign plan. If I had been given the position here, I may not have gone to China. I spent the 2005-2006 school year teaching English at South China Agricultural University in Guangzhou, China. God worked in so many tremendous ways in that mission field! It was beyond an amazing experience! Two weeks before I was to leave for china, the doctors saw a brain tumor on my dad's CT scan. They didn't know if he would survive the surgery at all, and if he did, they thought there could be significant memory loss. God and I had to wrestle about my obedience to follow Him -- my dad might not be alive when I came home, or he may not remember who I was! God blessed me with wonderful parents who were positive that God had called me to be a missionary & they requested I follow Him. My dad's words were "if I die from the tumor or surgery, it's OK because I know where I'm going....there's millions of Chinese people who need for you to go and tell them about Jesus so they can have Him too". Can parents be anymore wonderful?!?!
While I was in China, I was also blessed with the opportunity to visit missionaries in Davao City, Philippines TWICE! Wonderful place, beautiful people! Wen I returned home from my year overseas, I accepted a national missions position for 2 months working for a church plant in Florida. When I left Florida, I came back home - or as my mom calls it "Meredith's home-base". haha
I began substitute teaching again and remembered that I loved it! Shortly after I returned home, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, so I understand why God had called me home. I was able to be with my parents 24/7 since I didn't have a full-time job. We've gone through chemo, remission, more chemo, horrid bowel obstruction ending in an ileostomy, and more chemo yet. And that's where I find things in my life on my 30th birthday!
So, is my life what I thought it would be? Not completely! I don't even work in Social Work anymore, I no longer have a desire to stay in Clay County, I've no prospects of marriage any time soon, and I'm the full-time caregiver for both of my parents. However, I was able to travel all over the US and a few places in this world, finish my Master's and serve my Jesus wherever He put me!
I'm not always glad about the circumstances in my life, but because of these circumstances (good and bad), I have fallen SO much more in love with my Jesus! And daily I'm learning more and more of His vast love for me as the Lover of my Soul, my Bridegroom, my Beloved!
In 10 years, when I turn (eeek) 40, I pray that I will look back on this time & say "Oh, that faith I thought I had. Oh, the love I thought I understood....I was such a baby in the Lord then!" I don't know where He will send me in the future, nor what job He will have me to do. But of this I am sure, as long as I am walking in His Will and following His steps, He will provide all of my needs and I will NEVER be alone!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
I'm back...
So...I've gotten a little behind on my blogging. I promise there are reasons for that. 1) Life is kind of boring sometimes. 2) My internet was so slow that I couldn't put much on without getting disconnected. 3) Mom's been sick for the past couple of weeks.
Now, though, I have a better net connection, so we'll see if I will do better now. :)
I found some pictures from Mom's birthday cake that I made. My friend, Amanda, told me about an awesome marshmallow fondant recipe (usually fondant tastes gross). I think it turned out pretty good for my first fondant covered cake.
Here's the cake itself.
And I even made her a little one for her candle -- there's no way we could put 58 of 'em on the cake!
Now, though, I have a better net connection, so we'll see if I will do better now. :)
I found some pictures from Mom's birthday cake that I made. My friend, Amanda, told me about an awesome marshmallow fondant recipe (usually fondant tastes gross). I think it turned out pretty good for my first fondant covered cake.
Here's the cake itself.
And I even made her a little one for her candle -- there's no way we could put 58 of 'em on the cake! Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Daddy's birthday
Dad's birthday was May 18th. I didn't make the cake for his birthday. We'd just gotten back from Florida and school was still in session, so I was pretty busy then. We did have a party for him, though. I found a CD with some oldies that he loved!
Here he is cheesin it up with my gifts :)
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Anniversary of my birth......
Wow. It is officially the 28th anniversary of my birth. I remember a really great doctor friend of mine once pointing out to me that "birthday" literally means day of birth. He maintained that we've warped the English language with the word "birthday", therefore, it should be called the anniversary of your birth. So, that's what today is...the 28th anniversary of my birth. Wow...I'm starting to age. haha
I had a wonderful filled with cards, e-cards and comments on myspace and facebook. To all of you...thank you very much! Mom fixed a big supper for her and Dad, my friend Lynne and me. Then, they gave me cards, presents and my cake! Afterwards, we spent time talking and hanging out. Sometimes when we're younger, we don't realize the importance of having friends that you can just sit and "be" with. You don't have to be doing anything, you just have to "be". I feel sorry for the people who never figure that out as they get older. I am also very thankful that my parents raised me with that awareness. I'm also thankful that 28 years ago, God sent me to be born into my wonderful family. And I'm forever thankful that He had that all planned before He even "knit me in my mother's womb". What an awesome birthday gift He gave me....His love, plus the love of my earthly family! Wonderful anniversary of birth day indeed! :)
I had a wonderful filled with cards, e-cards and comments on myspace and facebook. To all of you...thank you very much! Mom fixed a big supper for her and Dad, my friend Lynne and me. Then, they gave me cards, presents and my cake! Afterwards, we spent time talking and hanging out. Sometimes when we're younger, we don't realize the importance of having friends that you can just sit and "be" with. You don't have to be doing anything, you just have to "be". I feel sorry for the people who never figure that out as they get older. I am also very thankful that my parents raised me with that awareness. I'm also thankful that 28 years ago, God sent me to be born into my wonderful family. And I'm forever thankful that He had that all planned before He even "knit me in my mother's womb". What an awesome birthday gift He gave me....His love, plus the love of my earthly family! Wonderful anniversary of birth day indeed! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)