He's Always There and He Always Loves

Today would have been my mom's 67th birthday. My flesh wants to scream how it's entirely unfair that I didn't get to celebrate any birthdays with her past her 59th. Then my mind logically reminds me that many people don't even get to spend 30 birthdays with one or both parents. And a lot of people aren't close to their parents or don't get along with them well. And I was very fortunate to be very close to and get along amazingly with my mom. As I transitioned from childhood to adulthood, she became my best friend. She was the person I talked to every day (or almost) because I wanted to (not like many people's "dutiful" calls to parents). She was my earthy rock, my anchor, my sounding board.

Oh, don't get me wrong....she was my mom first and foremost, until the end. Even when I was her caregiver, she would let me know if she thought I was getting too big for my britches and needed to be knocked down a level or two...she had no qualms going full mom-mode to let me know. Now when I catch myself behaving in a manner or pulling an attitude she wouldn't have approved, I can hear her voice, "Listen here, little girl...." When my mom called us "baby girl", it was always out of sweetness - something nice was to follow. But when she called us "little girl"...well, let's just say it had an edge to it. And you probably weren't going to enjoy what followed. lol But I know it was out of her love for me, her desire to see me become who God intended me to be. She loved me too much to let me start down or stay on a wrong path.

Today, I got good news. And, like every time I get good news, the first person I wanted to share the news with was my mom. Oh, I called and messaged a few people. But almost all were super busy, life is hectic for all of us. And you only get a few people that will drop everything to celebrate with you like your momma. And knowing it was her birthday caused it to sting a big more. So, I missed her today...

And I told God about it. I told Him it's not fair. I told Him that I was angry that He didn't heal her. And that she died. And I cried, like mean, ugly cried. (There are less than a handful of people that have seen me do this in person and not a whole lot more that I've ever admitted it to...just because it's not a usual response for me, and I'm not normally inclined to share when it is.) And then everything took a turn south. I told Him of my anger about being here all alone. I followed His voice and said no to relationships that most likely would have ended in marriage....only to be almost 38 and still single. He sent spouses to all of my close friends and they left. I've made new friends, but they have other, older, closer friends. He'd left me here all alone...I'm nobody's first thought in the morning, nobody's first call to share news. And I told Him I didn't appreciate it!

And God was, as He always is, a patient Father. He didn't leave. When I was done, He didn't scold me, He didn't punish me. He let me feel His arms wrapped around me. He calmed my spirit. He gently reminded me of the truth I've shared with others...that "fair" isn't what we really want..."fair" is punishment for our sins - eternal separation from God. He reminded me that He had given me to an amazing mother. He reminded me that we live in a fallen world, a world where sickness and disease are a reality...and that I'm beyond thankful she's not suffering or in pain anymore. He reminded me that He did heal Mom, just not in the way my heart desired. He reminded me that this life is "but a vapor" and I'm almost 38 -- quite possibly at the half of a vapor mark myself. In the grand scheme of eternity, we all only have a few seconds on this earth. He never promised us how long we'd have, but He promises to never leave us. And I know that He's never left me. Then He reminded me that if my mom were here & I was crying to her about all of these things, she would probably give me a "baby girl/little girl" combo. lol "It's OK, baby girl, you're gonna make it, you're strong and God will give you His strength." Followed by, "Now, listen here, little girl, it's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start being thankful for what God's blessed you with!"

And then I giggled, and my eyes leaked some thankful tears. Thankful for His great love for me. Thankful that He doesn't leave me, that He listens to me - yelling and all. Thankful that He's so patient with me. Thankful that I could imagine what my mom's response would be. Thankful that I am truly happy she's not in pain. Thankful that I know on the day I see Him face to face, I'll also see my sweet, feisty momma!

He Says I'm Enough

We go through seasons in this life. Some seasons are short, others seem to last an entire lifetime, while most fall somewhere in between. And we never know how long the season will be until it’s over. During prayer and worship the other night, I didn’t go up to the altar for prayer partly because my heavy heart was affecting my feet, but mostly because I couldn’t find a way to put my heavy heart in to words. So, in between tears and sobs, I was trying to praise God’s goodness and claim His promises. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I had no problem praising His Name, for He is great and greatly to be praised. I was just desperately struggling to claim His greatness in my life.

You see, my heart was struggling. As of late, it seems that no matter what I do, the message I get (sometimes external other times internal) is that I’m not enough, haven’t tried hard enough, haven't loved enough, and haven’t given enough...I’m unaccepted, undesirable, unworthy. And it’s left me exhausted and feeling dreadfully inadequate. And I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has ever struggled in a season like this.

While I was sobbing, a friend was praying amazing things over me. And while I was sobbing, I was agreeing with her, praying and hoping those things were or would be true. And my heart felt calmed, that someone believed I was enough and worth time. Then, my friend kept her hand on my arm, but she was far enough away I could no longer hear what she was praying. And I felt myself longing to hear that she believed I was worthy of prayer, worthy of her time, worthy of God’s time.

And then God spoke to me. I was looking for assurance from outside sources, but as His child, I should be looking only to Him. He says that I am enough, beyond enough and worthy of His time and love. Even when I struggle, even when I fail, I am enough through Jesus’ blood and my willing heart, I am enough for Him. People, both from inside and outside of the Church, may tell you that you will never be enough – never smart enough, fast enough, talented enough, kind enough, compassionate enough, never enough. But God says that’s not true! His love isn’t based on performance. He says I’m enough because He created me! I’m important to Him! I am worth enough to Him that He sent His son to die on the cross in my place! He delights in me! He says my face is lovely and my voice is sweet! And beloved, He says the very same things about you too! And that’s so beautiful, because after all, His opinion is the only one that matters!

He Knows Your Name!

I attended a funeral today.  Since my dad wasn't raise by his birth parents, it's always a little tricky trying to explain relation to certain family members.  Today was the funeral, or rather celebration of life, of Dad's oldest "cousin-brother's" wife, or sister-in-law as Dad always viewed her.  (Dad was raised by his uncle & aunt, therefore the term "cousin-brother".)

Juanita was one of the kindest, gentlest, most joyful souls you could ever meet.  I don't think there was a single time in all of my 36 years of knowing her that when I saw her she didn't 1) give me a hug 2) compliment me & 3) smile.  These 3 things were true even when her husband passed away, then when her youngest son passed and a few months ago when her oldest son passed.  And though I saw her shed tears, I also saw her smile and heard her thank the Lord for being good.

Her daughter told me today how the night her Mom passed away progressed.  She was having some trouble breathing but didn't want her daughter to call the ambulance.  Eventually, around 3 in the morning, she was breathing a little easier.  She'd asked her daughter earlier to write something down for her, it was something to the extent of "I am at peace with my Lord Jesus".  Well, a little after 3 she asked her daughter if she'd heard someone say her name.  The daughter hadn't, but told her mom that if it was God calling her home, she should go be with Him.  A few minutes later, she said she heard her name again.  Her daughter said she took a couple more breaths, then her face just became so peaceful as she drifted.  And in that moment, Juanita stood before the Lord, seeing Him face to face.

I have no doubt that Juanita was hearing the Lord call her name...it was time for her to come home.  Jesus said in John 10:4 "I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own."  He knows your need, He knows your heart, He know YOUR NAME.  Oh, beloved, how precious is that?!  And oh, how sweet of a gift God gave her daughter...to know that her mom was hearing Him call her home, by name!!

In this life we will have sorrows, we will miss those who go on before us...but if we are His, we don't mourn like those who have no hope!  We know that one day He will call us home for eternity.  And you'll know when He's calling you, because He knows your name!!

Ten years ago today...

I heard someone on the news talking about the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  Then I realized that 10 years ago today, I was on a plane on my way to China.  Wow!  10 years!  Is it possible for 10 years to seem like the blink of an eye & also feel like 2 lifetimes all at the same time??  I hope so, because that's where I am!

Ten years ago right now, I was flying for the first time in my life!  I remember how the pilot on one flight said we'd made good time & arrived early because of Katrina (tailwinds or something).  I remember that on the last leg of the journey - the flight from Tokyo to Guangzhou - I started feeling really sick.  I mean, the smells of the food we'd been served made me nauseous.  I couldn't hardly make myself eat the food, which left me hungry.  Throw in some turbulence and exhaustion...and I was done!  Seriously, I was done.  On the last flight, I had it out with God.  I told Him, in no uncertain terms, that the moment we landed & I got my luggage, I was putting a return flight on my credit card and staying at the airport until I flew home.  There was no way I could do this...I am not adventurous enough to eat foods that the smells make me sick.  I could not live a year where I couldn't understand the language (I already couldn't understand the flight attendants).  Others on my team had a shared history, so not only was I feeling bad, but I was already the odd-man out...and we hadn't even landed yet.  So I waited until the light changed signaling I could go to the restroom, walked back there, threw up and then bawled my eyes out and threw up again.

The more I told God I was going back home, the less nauseous I felt.  I figured that meant I had God's approval & it was His peace.  I thought He must have been testing my faith like He did with Abraham...just seeing if I was truly willing to make the sacrifice He asked, then at the last minute He was saying He wouldn't hold me to it.  As I walked back up the aisle and took my seat, I could see beautiful city lights.  The pilot began to speak (not in English)...the only word I understood was "Guangzhou" ...the city I was to live in.  I looked out the window at the lights again and heard God, in His still, small voice, say, "This is why you're here.  Take a good look.  There are MILLIONS living in this city.  They don't know Me.  Some have never even heard of My Name.  And they WILL spend eternity in Hell when they die if they don't know Me.  You have to tell them about Me."   Then He said "Yes, this is going to be a hard year.  Yes, you're going to feel left out at times.  Yes, there will be times you will cry out to Me fearing I've forsaken you.  That's because you're still living on Earth.  This is life, there are seasons.  Yes, this year will be more intense because you're away from all you know and all that is familiar.  But know this, the fire is where purification takes place.  It will be hard, you will want to quit, but I am with you.  My Word's still true - I will NEVER leave or forsake you.  And I love you!  I want you to share My love with others this year just as you do at home, but know that I am drawing you even closer to Me...  I am jealous for your heart and I will take full advantage of the fact that you're physically away from all you know & love to show you My love, to grow you in Me, to become your best friend, to become the 1st One you turn to.  Yes, this year will be hard, but I promise you will be blessed as well.  And, I love you and will never leave you!  Do you trust Me?"  Well, He'd never not kept His Word to me before, so I had to trust Him.

So, when the plane landed, we got our 3000 pounds of luggage - or maybe it was 2-70 lb suitcases & 2 carry-ons :), met teammates I'd only met online prior to that night and got on a bus that took us to our apartment.  It was around midnight, I was starved, exhausted and still an emotional wreck.  I remember a couple of us going to the C-store across the street - I got Pringles & a Coke Light.  Ahh, a little comfort. :)  I remember calling Mom to let her know we'd landed & "yes, I promise I'm fine".  Yeah, it was a lie you tell your Momma when you're on the other side of the world so she doesn't freak out.  I think I cried myself to sleep while feeling extremely claustrophobic in the bottom bunk and more emotional than I'd felt in a long time. lol

No, the year was not easy.  But, I did fall even more in love with Jesus than I thought possible.  And God continued to keep His Word - He never left me.  Every tear, every sniffle, every doubt, every giggle, every "arrgghhh" moment, He was right there with me.  And though it wasn't easy, I am forever thankful that I followed when I heard His voice.

Pressure...

A few years ago I was at a conference.  The session had just ended in prayer and the group I was with was deciding lunch plans.  All of the sudden, I could see this picture before me so clearly.  I could still see everyone around me and I could hear them talking to me, but I couldn't answer them, I HAD to see what God was showing me.  I suppose this was an “open vision” or whatever you might choose to call it.  I know I've had dreams, visions and words from the Lord, but I can tell you this has stuck in my remembrance for years.

While I was sitting in the chair in the auditorium, all of the sudden I could see an autopsy table before me, think the stainless steel tables you see on CSI.  Then, I saw Jesus standing, leaning over the table.  I moved closer to see what He was doing.  Then I saw that there was a heart lying on the autopsy table.  I knew that it was mine.  And I was overwhelmed with the reality that this was all I had to offer Jesus, my heart and all that was within it.  To begin with, I was at peace with this reality because I've known Him since a young age and have walked with Him since then.  I saw Jesus pick up a scalpel in His right hand and my heart in His left.  I was still at peace.  He made an incision down the middle of the heart and turn upside down so that the opening was facing the table.  I just knew that whatever came out was all I had to offer Him (the jewels in the crown I will throw at His feet).  All of the sudden, I realized no pretty jewels were falling out onto the table.  Instead, all I could see were these horrible black lumps of coal.  I was crushed.  I started to try to tell Jesus how sorry I was, that I was so genuinely surprised to see that come out of my heart.  He motioned me to come closer.  I shook my head, refusing to be closer to Him.  He motioned for me to come closer again, with this patient insistence.  So, I walked closer until I was standing next to Him.

His gaze directed me to look at the coal on the autopsy table.  It was then that I saw each lump of coal had writing on it….each had a different sin written… “pride”, “lying”, “lust”, “bitterness”, just to name a few.  I was appalled at the contents of my heart.  There were sins that I honestly thought I had truly repented of and dealt with.  Then, as I was weeping, staring at the coal, Jesus reached His right hand down to the table.  He picked up a piece of coal and started squeezing it in the palm of His hand.  Immediately I said “NO, Jesus!  You can’t!  You can’t touch my sins!  You can’t get dirty handling my sins!”  He said “Just wait and see.”  He just kept squeezing his fist while I kept weeping.  After what seemed to be an eternity, He turned to face me and held out His hand.  I turned away, I didn't want to see His hand dirty from that coal, my sin.  He told me “It’s OK, just take a look”.  When I looked at His hand, I saw one of the most beautiful diamonds shining, glistening in the light!  Oh how beautiful!  I immediately picked up a piece of coal from the table and began squeezing it in my palm, I didn't want Him to touch anymore of my sins and I wanted beautiful stones to give Him.  But when I looked at my hand, it was just black and dirty.  And the dirt kept moving up my arm.  I looked at Jesus’ arm and realized, for the first time, His hand and arm were spotless…no coal dust was there.  So, I squeezed my hand tighter.  The dirt kept moving up and the coal was not changing. 

Jesus reached out, opened my hand and took the coal.  He began His process again, squeezing His fist, and another beautiful stone was the result!  Then He leaned in and said “It only works when I’m the one to do this.  You can’t cleanse sins, you can’t take the dirty coal and turn it into beautiful gems.  When you allow me to apply pressure, though, that’s when the transformation happens.  You kept crying out for me to not touch your sins, but don’t you remember, My beloved?  I took on your sin 2000 years ago.  I became sin so that this process could take place!”  By this time, I was a sobbing heap on the floor at His feet.  “Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me!  You deserve so much more than the coal/sin in my heart, please take them away!  Please make them beautiful so that You may have a beautiful crown!”  He pulled me up off of the floor and told me again how important the pressure is to change the coal into diamond.  How many times I think that the pressure is simply useless attacks from Satan, and while Jesus isn't causing evil, He is allowing it so that the transforming pressure can occur.

Then He began picking up my sins one at a time, applying pressure and turning them into beautiful gemstones.  When every piece of coal had been transformed into a gorgeous stone, He picked up my heart and began placing the stones, one by one, back into my heart.  Then He handed me my heart and told me to remember to run to Him in the times of great pressure, to give my sin to Him so that He could transform it.

My prayer, for you and me, is that when the hard times come, when the pressures of this life become intense, we would turn to Him.  Take all of our heart to Him, don’t hide anything back, but let Him do His transforming work.  

2015....Time to KNOW His voice..

I have been asking the Lord this past week or two, what is going to be important for 2015?  What is something that believers need to know, understand, receive fresh revelation on?  I've heard Him tell me (and others) that it's going to be important to truly KNOW His voice in the coming year.  In John 10:27 Jesus said, "My sheep know My voice, and I know them. They follow Me".  We can only follow Him if we know His voice.  And how do we come to know His voice?  You have to spend time with Him.  I'll never forget when I'd only been at a new church a short time and I had to call one of the ladies I was working with in children's ministry.  Her husband answered the phone, I asked for his wife, then I heard him tell her "Meredith's on the phone for you".  I asked if they'd gotten Caller ID (yeah, it was a while ago lol).  He told me they still didn't have caller ID....he knew my voice because of the time I'd spent with them!  Have you had something like that happen?  I was so excited!  Even thinking about it now, almost 15 years later, my heart remembers the joy I felt when my voice had been recognized!  And these were just people I was getting to know at church (and still do love, by the way).  Can you imagine God's joy when we recognize His voice?  He created us, He longs for relationship with us, He longs to hear OUR voice.  I can't imagine how His heart must feel when we recognize His voice!

We're told in Isaiah 60:2 that a deep darkness is coming, that will cover the whole earth.  It's going to happen, the days will grow darker, evil will be more prevalent.  But, in the same verse, He also tells us "but the Lord will arise upon you, and His glory will be seen upon you".  Wow!  His glory will be seen upon us!  Do you know part of the equation of that happening?  Following His voice!

I also hear the Lord saying that we're at that point in time where His people need to know His voice for themselves.  I'm probably not the only one that's guilty of going to people that I know hear the Lord, and asking their take on things.  Don't get me wrong...we're still part of the Body, and I think it's important for us to share, but the time's upon us that we need to be able to discern His voice for ourselves at a greater level.  He has called us His friends, and He wants to share His secrets with us...not just a few of us, but every one of us that He calls "friend".  

Another part of knowing His voice is discerning what you're hearing.  If you hear a voice that sounds like the Lord's, but what you're hearing doesn't line up with Scripture, it's not God!  Don't follow that voice!  Run the other direction, don't pass Go, don't collect $200!  God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.  He will never tell you something or lead you somewhere that doesn't line up with His Word.  He can't do that, because that would make Him a liar, and He's not man, He can't lie.  

I've also been hearing with increased intensity that it's time to truly follow when we hear His voice.  It's always good to seek Godly counsel (Proverbs 12:15).  Sometimes, though, you need to have faith and do what you heard the Lord say.  Almost a decade ago when God was calling me to spend a year in China, I sought counsel.  I will forever be thankful for the people God has had in my life since before I was born...I know that I am truly blessed to know and love, be known and loved by so many Godly people.  When planning for China, though, I had differing counsel from these Godly people.  Some told me "of course, that's God, GO!"  I was also told "you're still single, God wouldn't be sending a single woman to the mission field around the world".  And others who pointed out "shouldn't you be getting a job here to pay off those grad school loans?".  Then, before I left, they found my dad's brain tumor.  Time to seek counsel BIG TIME!  I had some who said "Go ahead and go to China, they need to know God and He'll take care of your parents".  (Thankfully my parents were in this category!)  And I had many people reminding me that Scripture says to "honor your mother and father" and that I should cancel my plans, stay home and help my mom with my dad.  I was receiving counsel from MANY Godly people, so many that had helped lay my foundation in the Lord.  Ultimately, I had to hear God's voice and follow Him.  He met me while I was praying, seeking Him, struggling to hear His voice.  I heard Him say "read Matthew 10:37".  I turned there.  Know what it says?  "Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me".  Talk about clarity!!  Now, I'm not saying that you should never take care of your family.  After China, I took care of my mom until she passed from her ovarian cancer.  And I am still Dad's caregiver...because that's what I've heard the Lord ask me to do.  

A lot of the time, following God will not follow conventional wisdom.  1 Corinthians 1:27 says "But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise".  And sometimes, He will ask us to step out, follow Him where other believers aren't going.  This is why it's so important to know His Word, so that we can discern whether it's His leading or not.

So, my prayer for the Church (you and me) is that we would take the time to get to KNOW His voice.  That He would open the ears of the inner man so that we could hear clearly in the midst of the white noise in our lives.  That He will give us fresh revelation of His Word, His voice, His leadership!  I pray that in 2015, the Church will be set apart; that the world would know we are His because we're following Him!  That the glory of the Lord will be seen upon us!!

She's entered Heaven now...

I realize it's been a while since I've written anything. On Friday, November 27, 2009, my mother - Gladys Faye (Meredith) Weaver - passed from this life into eternity at 4:40 pm. The day before she passed was not only Thanksgiving, but it was also my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary.

On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.

On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.

I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.

Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.

We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!

The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!

Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!

Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!

Hospice...

We brought Mom home on Hospice last Monday (11/16). They increased her morphine by doubling her hourly base rate and also increased the number of breakthrough hits she could get. It took a few days for her body to adjust to the increased rate, so she mostly slept until Friday night/Saturday morning. There have been less than a handful of times that she's voiced her pain rate being above a 5 since the increase...and that's amazing considering the past 3-4 weeks, I've heard her answer 9, 10, 10+ and even one time, she told them her pain level was a 30. I'm sooo thankful for morphine to give her relief from the pain. The vomiting, however, has not slowed any. Anything that she swallows comes back up. The nurse has told me that as long as Mom is still taking in liquids & having some output, that stage could maintain for weeks & weeks. Friday night, Mom became more alert and stayed that way through Monday night. She's SOO thirsty....it's been 3-4 weeks of nonstop vomiting now. So, she asks for a drink....you say Mom, why don't we try ice chips or sips? No, she wants a drink, so you give her a drink knowing that it's going to come right back up within seconds to minutes.

It's so hard to watch someone that you love so much suffer like that, but my mom....my mom is amazing. A week & a half ago, God gave me a special gift! Daddy was asleep & I had told Mom I was going to bed, so she didn't know I had walked back into her room. She was in the middle of retching all that was within her and God let me hear her pray to Him. Oh, I can never describe the preciousness of that moment! I overheard my mom say "God, I don't know why I'm so sick. I know that You said Jesus' blood paid for my healing. And I know that You could choose to take all of this cancer any minute. I don't know why You haven't chosen to heal me. But I want You to know that I love You & I trust You that You have a plan & know what is best. OK, I just wanted to tell You that" :) :) I've never had more of a "I want to be just like my momma" moment!! Oh what faith!

No doctors or nurses have told us how long they think Mom will be with us, which is fine because I probably wouldn't put much stock in any time limits they give -- she's outlived too many of them already! I do believe if God does not choose a miraculous healing on Earth (well, miraculous to us at least), it won't be long. There are just certain biological truths that I've lived through with both grandparents and other family & friends. Eventually, if no other systems shut down, Mom will quit requesting drinks & taking in fluids. Then for a while, sometimes up to 16+ days, her body will pull all of the fluids from her cells causing her to eventually dehydrate to death.

Mom has been mostly sleeping since Monday night, when I gave her a nausea/anxiety pill before bed. I'm praying that I made the right decision in giving her that pill. She was just so agitated that the nurse & I wanted her to be able to rest. When she hasn't really woken up much for the past 24 hours, I have those moments of "oh, you've done it now!" I had that sadness of "what if she doesn't wake up again? what if I don't get to have another coherent conversation with her?" And though the thoughts of those things make me sad, it's OK. According to all of her doctors, my mother's cancer was advanced enough when they found it, that she's been "miraculously living" for more than 2 years now! That means I've had 2 more years than Satan intended for me to be able to tell my mom how much I love her, admire her, look up to her and respect her. I've had 2 more years to hear her tell me that she loves me. I've had extra time just to share my heart with my mom...time that Satan intended to steal, but God didn't let him! Oh what a good God we serve!!

I realized Sunday that this Thursday is Thanksgiving. I was thinking over past Thanksgivings...most with my family, but some spent across the nation & across the world. Many times over, I've realized being thankful is a matter of choosing a perspective of looking at things. I was thinking today how many deaths and illnesses in my family, as well as just plain hard times, have fallen near Thanksgiving. And to my flesh, those times stink! I could choose to be bitter & say that I have no reason to give thanks. But I know that is nowhere near true! I remember last year Thanksgiving week at church, my pastor asked us to voice what we were thankful for. Everyone was giving answers aloud, except me. I kept sitting there thinking "Dummy, you should be saying you're thankful your mom is alive!" Yet, the answer that came out of my mouth was "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I was without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me." I am so thankful for the family, friends & family-friends that God has placed in my life! I am thankful for the wonderful example of following Christ my parents & grandparents have given me! I am thankful for so many things, yet my answer from last year still rings out. I am above all else thankful that my God is faithful to His promises...He has been our Provider, our Comforter, our Healer, our Savior, our Strength, our Peace, our everything! If we had nothing else for which to be thankful, it is more than enough that our God always is who He says He will be!

Yep...I'm 30 now!

So I turned 30 last Saturday. That's right...the big 3-0!! I think I've dealt with it relatively well. I only had a few weeks of dreading it. But I think I said it aloud often enough before the day itself that I was ready to say "why yes, I am 30 years old".

Every few months or so, I try to take time for reflection. Where did I think my life was going? Am I there yet? Am I on the right track? Did I really hear the Lord say that this is the right direction? Turning 30 seemed like a good time to reflect. I began to think "What's the difference in my life now & what I thought it would be like 10 years ago?"

Ten years ago, I was celebrating my 20th birthday in my new apartment in Carbondale. I was beginning my junior year in college at Southern Illinois University - Carbondale. I had originally planned to attend Oakland City University (a small General Baptist college in Indiana), but the day before I was to register, I felt the Lord tell me I was to go to SIU. So I was a tad bit excited, but mostly anxious. I remember dreaming about what my life would be like in 10 years...when I turned 30! Here was the plan for my life: Finish my Bachelor's in Social Work at SIU in 2001. Work for Department of Child & Family Services....let them pay for my Master's in Social Work. Stay working at DCFS for 30 years and retire with a full state pension by age 55. I wanted to buy the 5 acres behind my parents' property and build a house by the creek. (It's really GORGEOUS there!) I wanted to meet a wonderful, Godly man that wanted to serve God with me in our local church. I wanted to travel around the US and the world! I wanted to get married around age 30 & (if I'm able to conceive and carry) have a baby around 32. Yep, that was my plan in a nutshell. I prayed over these things and didn't really hear God say yes or no, so I thought they must be good ideas.

Here's what really happened: I finished my Bachelor's in Social Work in May 2001 as planned. I did my internship at DCFS before graduation, but was unable to be hired without a year of experience. So I took a job at Lutheran CFS and worked there for only 3 months before realizing I DIDN'T like the job that well! Ahhh! Plans gone awry! I began working in outpatient mental health at the local Counseling Center. I really enjoyed this job, even though I didn't think I would at all. I started to see myself there for a long time, and then the agency dissolved!

It was during that time that God called me to apply to the New Life Drama Company. I had no experience in acting, nor did I think I would enjoy it, but I followed His lead. So I spent a tour (3 1/2 months) on the road with NLDC. My team toured Southern California, Arizona, Texas and Nevada. It was AMAZING! When I returned home, I began substitute teaching and LOVED it! So I applied and began a program at Oakland City (yes, the same one I didn't attend earlier) to complete my Master's of Arts in Teaching degree. It was a tough 14 months complete with school work, substitute teaching and then student-teaching, but in the end I finished the program & received my teacher's license! Only to find no teaching positions, so I continued substitute teaching, still loving it & working almost every day!

In 2005, I applied & interviewed for the job that I had student-taught. It was going to be perfect! I knew the school, knew the kids & faculty & already had 1/4 of the lesson plans done! The day before the school board made a decision, God called me to do His work in China for a year. The school board had decided not to hire me, which I realized was all of God's sovereign plan. If I had been given the position here, I may not have gone to China. I spent the 2005-2006 school year teaching English at South China Agricultural University in Guangzhou, China. God worked in so many tremendous ways in that mission field! It was beyond an amazing experience! Two weeks before I was to leave for china, the doctors saw a brain tumor on my dad's CT scan. They didn't know if he would survive the surgery at all, and if he did, they thought there could be significant memory loss. God and I had to wrestle about my obedience to follow Him -- my dad might not be alive when I came home, or he may not remember who I was! God blessed me with wonderful parents who were positive that God had called me to be a missionary & they requested I follow Him. My dad's words were "if I die from the tumor or surgery, it's OK because I know where I'm going....there's millions of Chinese people who need for you to go and tell them about Jesus so they can have Him too". Can parents be anymore wonderful?!?!

While I was in China, I was also blessed with the opportunity to visit missionaries in Davao City, Philippines TWICE! Wonderful place, beautiful people! Wen I returned home from my year overseas, I accepted a national missions position for 2 months working for a church plant in Florida. When I left Florida, I came back home - or as my mom calls it "Meredith's home-base". haha

I began substitute teaching again and remembered that I loved it! Shortly after I returned home, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, so I understand why God had called me home. I was able to be with my parents 24/7 since I didn't have a full-time job. We've gone through chemo, remission, more chemo, horrid bowel obstruction ending in an ileostomy, and more chemo yet. And that's where I find things in my life on my 30th birthday!

So, is my life what I thought it would be? Not completely! I don't even work in Social Work anymore, I no longer have a desire to stay in Clay County, I've no prospects of marriage any time soon, and I'm the full-time caregiver for both of my parents. However, I was able to travel all over the US and a few places in this world, finish my Master's and serve my Jesus wherever He put me!

I'm not always glad about the circumstances in my life, but because of these circumstances (good and bad), I have fallen SO much more in love with my Jesus! And daily I'm learning more and more of His vast love for me as the Lover of my Soul, my Bridegroom, my Beloved!

In 10 years, when I turn (eeek) 40, I pray that I will look back on this time & say "Oh, that faith I thought I had. Oh, the love I thought I understood....I was such a baby in the Lord then!" I don't know where He will send me in the future, nor what job He will have me to do. But of this I am sure, as long as I am walking in His Will and following His steps, He will provide all of my needs and I will NEVER be alone!

Thanksgiving!

Another Thanksgiving Day has arrived. I honestly try to spend time each day being thankful, but when a holiday is completely dedicated to this concept, I try to spend a little more time contemplating.

This past Sunday at church our pastor asked us to answer aloud 'what are you thankful for?" I listened to everyone's response, all the while thinking "I should be speaking that I am thankful for my mom still being alive" but I didn't feel led to say anything. So I spent some time praying & contemplating "For what am I truly thankful?" Finally I gave an answer. "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I were without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me."

There are so many things for which we all have reason to be thankful. The fact that we are breathing means we're alive to serve Him another day. The family members and friends that we still have with us. Most likely if you're reading this, you share the thanks that I do of having shelter provided, as well as food to eat. Those of us that are living in America should be thankful for the freedoms that we still have - one of the most important being the freedom to worship God freely.

I am most thankful, though, for my God who loves me. The Lord that says "you have ravished My heart with one glance of your eye." The God that loves me through it all and never leaves my side. Oh how much I have to be thankful for!!

Mom's home again!

Here's the latest....Sorry it's been so long in coming.

Right after I posted the last blog in September, Mom got really sick and had to go back into the hospital. Her white blood count was about 1,000 (normal is 5,000-10,000). The oncologist came to see her, met me in the hallway and asked if me and my family were prepared because she was most likely not going to make it out of the hospital and maybe not even through that night. We assumed it was the chemotherapy bringing her white count down, only to find that she was septic - staph infection in the blood system.

On Columbus Day, Mom had her retirement party and came home the next afternoon! She got so much better with the antibiotics they had her on! She came home on a Tuesday and was doing alright. By Sunday evening (Oct 19), though, we had to call the ambulance to take her to ER because she wasn't strong enough to even sit up in the bed really. The Paramedic told us afterwards that he didn't think she would even make it into the hospital. She was spiking fevers, then they would break as fast as they spiked. It was crazy scary! They did more blood cultures and we found that she was septic again (or still in my opinion). It seemed that she got better everytime she was in the hospital for 2 weeks on antibiotics, but when we got her home for a few days (not on IV antibiotics), she was worse again.

The oncologist came in again and said "We're at the end of what we can do. We just can't do anymore chemotherapy with this infection. She should probably go home on Hospice". Then he said that he thought Mom's portacath (the catheter that was surgically sewn into her chest for easier vein access) was the source of her staph infection. So she had to have it removed, and a central line put in her neck. After a week of antibiotics, she had a new portacath put in yesterday afternoon. The oncologist came back yesterday (3 weeks after the day he said that she wouldn't make it) and said "You're doing so great! We're re-starting chemotherapy on Wednesday" Yeah, that means tomorrow! Honestly, I'm a little nervous about this....I don't want her white count to drop again if the port wasn't the source of the staph infection. But we're pretty sure it was. And, this time, I know more of what to watch for, so I can take her to the hospital quicker. The past 5 days, though, she says she feels better than she's felt since August. And all of the hospita staff and doctors agree that she appears stronger and healthier than she's been since August!

OK, now you're as up-to-date as I am! I am sorry that I didn't email or write sooner, but it's been a hectic month! Plus, I never knew from one moment to the next what to tell anyone. We're very thankful for all of the thoughts and prayers that we know have been with us through all of this! Mom just has this strength about her that I know is God-given. The surgeon who put her port in, then out, then in again haha said he wouldn't sign for Mom to be on hospice because he thinks she will live longer than 6 months. Actually he said "I wouldn't put my money on your mom dying because that is not a safe bet!" She is an amazing person....I know that I have been so blessed that God made her my mom! I also know that our family is blessed that all of you remember us in your prayers! Thank you so much! Were it not for the grace and strength of God, I'm positive we wouldn't have made it through all of this! I will try to keep posted better! And maybe find some pictures of Mom's retirement party to post!

Fog...

Don't you love when God uses nature to teach you a lesson? Then you forget it, and He teaches it to you all over again.

A few years ago, I was driving home in the fog. At that time, I suffered from panic attacks. If there's ever stimulus that will bring on a panic attack, fog is one of them. As I was driving and starting to panic, God said "This is a good example of how you're to be living your relationship with Me. Just look immediately in front of you and I will show you the way. I don't show you all of the steps of the big picture, I show you step by step....one at a time."

Well, life's been crazy, yet mundane lately. I am at home taking care of my parents right now. It's not by my flesh's choice, but by the choice of following God's Will and being here where He's put me. Mom's been so sick off and on since her last chemo treatment...everyone hates to see a loved one sick and feeling awful. Daddy's Alzheimer's seems to get worse everyday, which is sad and frustrating to watch and live with.

Anyway, tonight while I was driving home from some prayer time at church, I got to thinking about the future. I was thinking how scary it will be when Mom and Dad are gone. I mean, it'll be sad enough for my parents to be gone, but scary because I won't know the next step I'm supposed to take. I mean, right now, my job is taking care of them, and my home is their home. When they're gone, I'll not only be an orphan, but an unemployed and homeless orphan. It's a whole lot overwhelming when my brain really thinks about it.

Tonight on my way home, there was really thick fog. I was already feeling anxious about the future, but then there I was in all of that fog. God used it as a re-teaching time. Tonight I realized that when you're driving on a dark, country road, you normally have your headlights on bright. When it's foggy, you have to turn them down to dim to keep from being blinded by the whiteness. It's the same with God...we need to be looking immediately at Him and His leading directly before us, rather than being blinded by all the circumstances of the world around us. With my lights on bright, I can "see" a lot more...I can see lots of thick whiteness all around me. With my lights on dim, I cannot see as much, but what I do see, I see more clearly.

I suppose foggy nights aren't so bad to drive in....as long as my lights are on dim.

Wow...it's been a week. Just wanted to share some awesomeness God revealed to me more deeply this week.

For a while, I've been reading and meditating in the book Song of Solomon. This past week has been specifically on 4:9....."You have stolen (ravished) my heart, my sister, my bride. You've stolen (ravished) my heart with one glance of your eyes....."

I truly believe this book to be a paradigm of how Jesus, the Bridegroom, relates to us, His Bride. Following that logic, these words are spoken by the Lover, the Bridegroom....spoken to His Beloved, His Bride. I'm not for sure that I can convey this over the internet completely, in fact I'm sure I can't. But here's what I realized. I really meditated upon that...."you have ravished my heart, with one glance of your eyes." I have ravished, or stolen, the heart of Jesus. Take a minute to really dwell upon that. Me, you, each of us individually.....with all of my flaws, failures and sins....one glance, one simple glance of my eyes in His direction steals/ravishes the very heart of my Lord!

Then I was listening to worship music by Misty Edwards...she was singing this exact verse. Then the lyrics/worship went on to say "I hear you say as you gaze over the balcony of Heaven.....Oh angels, oh angels, look and see - through that dark night of faith, she is gazing at Me! oh angels, oh angels, look and see - through that cloud of unknowing, she's gazing at Me!" That completely hit me! When I'm in those unknown places, when I'm in the dark places - facing all kinds of junk....in those times when I look at Him, I'm not only stealing His heart. He's so moved at my glancing at Him that He's shouting at the angels to look & see....He's moved to the core. One time, I had this picture in my mind...that group of guys you see walking together, one in the center looks at a girl he likes. When the girl looks back at him & smiles...you know the scene, the guy tells his friends "did you see that? She totally looked at me! She's totally into me!" It's like Jesus is talking to the angels saying "did you see that? I love her soo much! She just looked at me! Did you see?!?!"

I know that when people are in a relationship, knowing that they've stolen someone else's heart - that they've ravished someone else's heart, it's an amazing feeling...one that most married people I know can't quite put into words. That's exactly what I have been experiencing this past week more than before. I, ME, I have stolen His heart. He loves me as no earthly lover ever could. I don't have to look a certain way, smell a certain way, do any certain things -- just glance at Him and it steals His heart!

OK, well, that was longer than I intended, but I pray that you will meditate upon that Scripture. And I pray that God will show Himself as the ultimate Lover of your soul. Maybe you'll end up like me -- this past week, I have caught myself glancing up toward the Heavens & feeling giddy. In the tough times, I'm glancing toward the Jesus and feeling loved and ravished in a way I've never experienced! I pray that He will reveal to each of you what your worth is in His eyes. That He will help you to understand how much He loves you and how much valued by Him!

Waiting...

I was checking different accounts and pages tonight on the internet and realized that I haven't put anything new on here for a while. So here goes. :)

Mom's last chemo treatment was November 13th and she's still in remission! She's been extremely tired lately, maybe more than ever. So if you could please remember her in prayer, it would be appreciated. They said that it could take her body up to a year to rid itself of the chemo & its side effects. We are extremely thankful for how well she's doing, though, and we know it's only by the grace of God!

I find that I don't update much because it seems as though my life doesn't really change often. You probably know that I had a job interview back in October that I was totally stoked about. The position I interviewed for was an Abstinence Educator that goes into public schools teaching the message of abstinence over safe sex. It seemed like a perfect job for me, the interview went really well and all I had to do was wait 2 weeks for them to make a decision.

Well, I got an email stating they had decided not me. I was bummed, but I had so many of you praying God's Will for me that I know He has some reason. I don't understand His plans so much of the time, yet I know within me that His ways are always best.

So, after finding that I didn't get the job and having just a rather "blagh" month, I decided to do something for myself! I called my beautician and made a hair appointment. The picture below is the result. I am absolutely loving it!! I wanted purple highlights too, but realized that maybe a substitute teacher shouldn't do that. (At least not if I want to work & make money!! haha)

What am I doing now? Well, I'm waiting on God. I've been told that sounds like a generic answer that gives me freedom of responsibility and decision-making. That's not at all true, though. I was taught once by a very wise minister that waiting on God is not the same as doing nothing. While I'm waiting for Him to show me His next step, I'll keep seeking His Will to follow correctly. But more importantly, I am seeking Him....seeking His face, His presence. And, ya know what, in the moments where I earnestly seek Him, He lets me find Him. And those moments are worth far more than anything else could ever be!

This was after being in RAINY (i.e. frizzy) air all day!

Not so bad....

So, after I posted the blog last night, I spent quite a while in prayer before going to sleep. A lot of the time was silent prayer on my part, just sitting and soaking in God's presence. I love those times! And I love how He speaks during those times!

While I was feeling oh-so-sorry for myself and filling up with worry, God kept bringing Scripture to my recollection. Such as, "cast all your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you." And "be anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, take your petitions before the Lord" (I may get some of them a little twisted on the wording...but He was reminding me of the promises He's made.) He also reminded me that I cannot love my mother or father more than I love Him. If I do so, I don't deserve to be called His follower. And, He reminded me that HE loves my mother more than I could ever dream of loving her. Not only is she my mom, but she is HIS daughter. He loves her SO much! He is the lover of her soul and it is not His desire to see her suffer or anything. He won't leave her through all of this, He will be right beside her through the storm.

I love when God reveals Himself to me in truths that I've known for a long time, but sometimes I need that gentle reminding!

Thoughts in my head......

So, it's been a rough couple of weeks.

We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.

I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?

I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.

And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!

Mom's shoulders...

On Thursday, August 30, I took Mom to the orthopaedics's office for him to look at her shoulders. The MRI's had shown that the problem is NOT her rotator cuffs. The problem is that she has some pretty bad arthritis in the shoulders. Also, as a side effect from her chemotherapy, she has large amounts of fluid that have build up in the shoulder joints. The doctor injected some anti-inflammatory steroids in both shoulders. She nearly jumped off the table and bit off her own finger when he injected the right shoulder (the one that has been bothering her the most). She said the left one didn't hurt nearly as bad. The doctor said it would take a couple of days to fully take effect. It's been over 24 hours now and she says that her pain level is going down. She is able to lie down on her side without her arms killing her for the first time in a few months!

The doc said it's mostly a side effect of the chemo. Just another reason that I really hate cancer! And I hate Satan. If he hadn't tempted Adam and Eve, we wouldn't be living in a fallen world. Plus, he's just not a good guy. I love Jesus, though! And I know that God is WAY more powerful than Satan and God can bring Mom through this. She looked at me tonight, while we were sitting in the yard swing tonight, and said "I don't know why, but I really have a feeling that I'm going to beat this cancer stuff and it's not going to end up a big deal". I know that Mom has the peace of God residing in her heart, and I am so thankful for that! I'm also thankful that she decided to share that with me tonight...I was really needing to hear that. She's such an awesome person!