So, it's been a rough couple of weeks.
We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.
I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?
I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!
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