Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a couple comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re struggling with fertility issues but desire to have a family? The Church comes up, surrounds them and covers them in prayer, asking God to bless them with a baby. And then after prayer, many of the church come forward with hugs, words of encouragement and telling them it’s OK to cry and grieve. Then they go home together and share their grief with one another, cry together, cry out to God together.
Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a single adult comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re lonely and desire to have someone to share life with and one day have a family? The church may pray for God to send them a spouse. Afterwards, some will come give them a hug and word of encouragement, but many of the church will come up to the single person to tell them that “God is their spouse”, they should “learn to be content” and don’t forget “God is more than enough”. Or my personal favorite (that was actually said to me when I was 32, in a not-so-supportive tone) “God may have the right one out there for you. If He does, then you can finally grow up, settle down and learn what REAL problems are.” Yeah, you’ve guessed correctly that this person made the “I'm not gonna shed any tears if her room in God's mansion in Heaven is FAR away from mine” list. Then the single person goes home, feeling more alone than before, and many times cries to God asking Him to forgive them for even having the desire of marriage in the first place. And as we get older, we grieve the fact that we also can’t have a child…our hopes of family are most likely gone. And we cry out to God…alone because we don’t want another lecture about how we need to learn to be content. We want someone to tell us it’s OK to hurt, to cry, to grieve.
I’m not saying that one group’s grief is worse than the other. I’m just pointing out that one group’s grief is validated while the other group is left feeling guilty they grieve in the first place. Single adults make up 50% of the American population. Scan your congregation tomorrow morning. Are 50% of the adults single? I’d wager they’re not. I’m aware there are many different reasons for this. But I’d like to throw out the possibility that the way the church reveres marriage and family as a higher calling than singleness, and the attitude with which each group is treated, might be one of the reasons. And then I would suggest that we love one another with the love of Christ, regardless of our status or station in life, that we truly learn to love one another and be the Body of Christ.
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Friday, January 13, 2017
Monday, June 1, 2015
Alone...
In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, we're told to "pray without ceasing". I definitely can't say I've achieved that. But I do converse with God all throughout my day. Oh, there are times that are set aside to pray for specific requests...taking my petitions before Him. There are times that are simply for listening/seeking His Will/direction on specific issues. But, most of the time, there's just a dialogue going throughout the day. Sometimes it's about little, seemingly unimportant things. Other times, when I'm sharing my heart, my thoughts, my feelings on bigger issues....those are times when it gets real.
I find that I spend a lot of time asking the "whys" of it all. I ask "why?" more now than I ever dreamed of asking when I was a child. Why is this the way it turned out? Why is this getting so much harder? Why aren't You being more clear with the lesson You would have me learn (that I'm apparently not)? A big "why" that seems to be asked in the past few years is "Why do You see fit to leave me here alone?"
Now, I'm aware that there are other people on the planet...I lived in a large city in China, I'm very aware of how many people are on this Earth! I'm talking about every day life. I take care of people, I teach children, I lead worship, I spend time with wonderful family and amazing friends. I love to serve God and His children in whatever way I can. I was raised by my parents and grandparents to be kind, courteous and helpful, plus it's part of my personality. I honestly love to pour out into others, I truly do.
But reality hits when I come home, when I'm exhausted or I'm sick...and I'm alone. Reality hits when I sit down from leading worship or get into my car after time with friends...I'm alone. Yes, God is always with me, and I'm forever thankful He never leaves me, but reality is that there is no human here with me to hold me when I feel broken, to hug me when I cry, to bring me medicine when I'm sick or to simply remind me that God has not left me.
I know that I am blessed, and I am truly thankful for family, both natural and through Christ. I know that I'm blessed to love and be loved. But, it doesn't change the fact that in many moments when I need human interaction or conversation, I am alone. When I need someone to talk to about taking care of my dad, when I need someone to listen and then talk me down from the edge of panic, I am still alone. Yes, I am blessed with family in Christ, but, I'm only seeking to be 100% transparent here, though they love me and do care, their families come first. I am very aware that in those moments (because it's been pointed out to me), I am distracting them or taking them away from their own family. So, I am left with the choice to bother someone else or cry out to God...most times never not feeling alone.
And I find myself asking God "Why?". Is there something I've done, some heinous sin that is keeping me alone in this life? Have I failed to follow Your leading in some way? Have I angered You in some way? Am I too needy? Am I too independent? Am I too ugly? Am I too serious? Am I not serious enough? Am I too bold? Am I too timid? Am I so unlovable that only God Himself can choose to love me...and that's because He IS love?
I truly don't believe I'm still single for any of those reasons. I know many non-Christians who are married. I know many people that are consistently negative about everything in life who are married. I know downright mean people who are have throngs of people who love them. I know many people who don't know how to let love in, how to be loved...but they're still loved and surrounded by so many.
In all of the times of seeking God's heart, this is an issue that I haven't ever heard an answer on. One time, I thought the answer I heard was that this season of life would change, but that was quite some time ago...and everything seems to be the same. Maybe it was wishful thinking added to my prayers. Maybe I misheard. Maybe I heard correctly, but His timing is not what I expected.
So...I find myself alone again. And I will go to Him again. I will pour out my heart to Him and seek His heart towards me again. I will do my best to listen to His still, small voice....and maybe one day, I'll hear a clear answer. In the meantime, I'll keep loving and serving Him and His people and I will choose joy, even if there are tears involved, I will choose joy. And I'll keep asking the "whys" of it all...knowing that my heart is what He's after. And knowing that time spent with Him - seeking His heart - is what truly changes mine.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Family in Him is Important
Until a few years ago, I would never have thought twice about sharing details of my life (good and bad, easy and hard) with those in the Body of Christ. I mean, that's how the Body serves one another as a family...by sharing life. Now, though, I put everything through a filter. And my filter is at times so small, that I end up sharing nothing, or if I share, it's only the good/easy things.
A few years ago, I was going through a particularly hard season. After two extremely difficult weeks where I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of those who were much of the source of my difficult weeks, I found myself with God-family friends. When they asked how things were going, I was honest. I shared some of the hurts...things that were said and done, who said or did these things (because who they were in my life added to the sting). When I got done sharing some of these things, I was already feeling lighter. I had needed to tell a physical person what had made my heart hurt so badly. And the response I was received was to quit complaining. I took the response to the Lord in prayer and added to my pain the extreme guilt that I felt over this. I spent hours on my face before the Lord asking Him to heal my heart and begging for His forgiveness. A few days later, I was with God-family I hadn't seen for a little while. We were together for hours, just catching up and sharing life. I determined I was only going to share good things, but in that season, there honestly was not much good other than breathing...and I'm still not sure that was good...being with Jesus was extremely appealing (more than normal). I was much quieter than normal, and answered their questions, using my filter to only answer positively...but some questions required sharing negative things to answer the questions honestly. At the end of our hours together, as we were saying goodbyes, I was told again that I shouldn't focus so much on the negative and I should not share so many negative things of life with people, lest I be seen as whining, and God doesn't like a whiner.
Know what has happened since those encounters that one week? I have gone from being a person who has always been an open book about the facts of my life, even though somewhat guarded with emotions, to someone who is now guarded with facts of life and only shares emotions when (amazing) friends pry them out of me. I'm thankful for these friends, but it is not fair that they have to work so hard to get my honest heart. And I'm trying to not be that way...I don't think it's healthy, and I definitely don't want to lose these beautiful friends because I'm too much work. And I take it to the Lord, asking Him what I am free to share and what should be reserved for just Him. The problem with this? I asked Him these questions before those encounters, and honestly thought I heard His voice clearly that these were people I was safe to share my heart with. Now, every time I think I hear Him say that some one's safe, I question my hearing, because apparently I didn't hear Him clearly before.
I've come to realize a few things over the past few years, though. Last week, I shared this with a friend (one of those who is willing to climb the walls I have up around my emotions) and I realized something. Both of these encounters included me being the only single person...I was always with married couples, which is extremely normal in the Church, at least in my rural area. I have an amazing memory (sometimes I hate it because it's hard for me to forget!), and I've re-watched these encounters in my mind more times than I care to admit, trying to figure out exactly what I said that was complaining or whining. And I've come to realize that I wasn't complaining, I wasn't whining, I wasn't expecting validation for some offense in my heart. I was simply sharing facts of my life and the shape they'd left my heart in. There's a really great chance every one of the people I was with does the same thing. They don't just share the facts of their lives, they vent about how those facts make them feel. But, they have a built-in listener/sounding board, because they're married. They can share these things with their spouse and not have it weighing so heavy on their heart when they're with church family. I'm single, I don't have that luxury. I noticed this wasn't as much of an issue for me until after my mom died. I was able to share the ups, the downs, the joys, the hurts...all of those things I shared with her. When she died, I not only had the grief of losing my mother, but the reality of losing my best friend. I was 30 when she died...all of my other friends had their best friends chosen. And former best friends were now married to their new best friends.
So what was the point of sharing all of that? Well, it definitely wasn't to bash anyone. I am not offended with or angered at these people. Reality is that they likely don't even remember saying anything. And if they do, I know they are people that love me and would definitely not have set out to hurt my heart. Just the opposite, actually, I believe these people would keep my heart from hurting if they could. I guess I'm hoping that anyone in the Church who reads this will be a little slower to label someone as a complainer. We all complain sometimes, and it's good for someone to point out our complaining if we aren't seeing it. But, sometimes people need a trusted friend to share their heart without being judged. And maybe even to give some insight to those who are married within the Church. I'm not pretending all married people live glamorous, stress-free lives. But, you do have someone to share your heart with on a regular basis. You can vent to your spouse when whatever issue arises on Thursday and it's out of your system in time for you to have it together on your way into church.
Yes, I do take everything to the Lord. I'm forever grateful that He never tires of hearing me. that He loves and longs to hear my voice. And I long to hear His voice! There are times, though, that I long to have someone that I can be completely open and honest with...someone with skin, someone that I can see...without the fear that I'm going to be judged or called out for sharing my life. I think we're created to be in community, in His family....that means being willing to be with a brother or sister when they're facing circumstances and praying with them when their heart feels shredded beyond repair by those circumstances, not shredding their heart even more.
A few years ago, I was going through a particularly hard season. After two extremely difficult weeks where I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of those who were much of the source of my difficult weeks, I found myself with God-family friends. When they asked how things were going, I was honest. I shared some of the hurts...things that were said and done, who said or did these things (because who they were in my life added to the sting). When I got done sharing some of these things, I was already feeling lighter. I had needed to tell a physical person what had made my heart hurt so badly. And the response I was received was to quit complaining. I took the response to the Lord in prayer and added to my pain the extreme guilt that I felt over this. I spent hours on my face before the Lord asking Him to heal my heart and begging for His forgiveness. A few days later, I was with God-family I hadn't seen for a little while. We were together for hours, just catching up and sharing life. I determined I was only going to share good things, but in that season, there honestly was not much good other than breathing...and I'm still not sure that was good...being with Jesus was extremely appealing (more than normal). I was much quieter than normal, and answered their questions, using my filter to only answer positively...but some questions required sharing negative things to answer the questions honestly. At the end of our hours together, as we were saying goodbyes, I was told again that I shouldn't focus so much on the negative and I should not share so many negative things of life with people, lest I be seen as whining, and God doesn't like a whiner.
Know what has happened since those encounters that one week? I have gone from being a person who has always been an open book about the facts of my life, even though somewhat guarded with emotions, to someone who is now guarded with facts of life and only shares emotions when (amazing) friends pry them out of me. I'm thankful for these friends, but it is not fair that they have to work so hard to get my honest heart. And I'm trying to not be that way...I don't think it's healthy, and I definitely don't want to lose these beautiful friends because I'm too much work. And I take it to the Lord, asking Him what I am free to share and what should be reserved for just Him. The problem with this? I asked Him these questions before those encounters, and honestly thought I heard His voice clearly that these were people I was safe to share my heart with. Now, every time I think I hear Him say that some one's safe, I question my hearing, because apparently I didn't hear Him clearly before.
I've come to realize a few things over the past few years, though. Last week, I shared this with a friend (one of those who is willing to climb the walls I have up around my emotions) and I realized something. Both of these encounters included me being the only single person...I was always with married couples, which is extremely normal in the Church, at least in my rural area. I have an amazing memory (sometimes I hate it because it's hard for me to forget!), and I've re-watched these encounters in my mind more times than I care to admit, trying to figure out exactly what I said that was complaining or whining. And I've come to realize that I wasn't complaining, I wasn't whining, I wasn't expecting validation for some offense in my heart. I was simply sharing facts of my life and the shape they'd left my heart in. There's a really great chance every one of the people I was with does the same thing. They don't just share the facts of their lives, they vent about how those facts make them feel. But, they have a built-in listener/sounding board, because they're married. They can share these things with their spouse and not have it weighing so heavy on their heart when they're with church family. I'm single, I don't have that luxury. I noticed this wasn't as much of an issue for me until after my mom died. I was able to share the ups, the downs, the joys, the hurts...all of those things I shared with her. When she died, I not only had the grief of losing my mother, but the reality of losing my best friend. I was 30 when she died...all of my other friends had their best friends chosen. And former best friends were now married to their new best friends.
So what was the point of sharing all of that? Well, it definitely wasn't to bash anyone. I am not offended with or angered at these people. Reality is that they likely don't even remember saying anything. And if they do, I know they are people that love me and would definitely not have set out to hurt my heart. Just the opposite, actually, I believe these people would keep my heart from hurting if they could. I guess I'm hoping that anyone in the Church who reads this will be a little slower to label someone as a complainer. We all complain sometimes, and it's good for someone to point out our complaining if we aren't seeing it. But, sometimes people need a trusted friend to share their heart without being judged. And maybe even to give some insight to those who are married within the Church. I'm not pretending all married people live glamorous, stress-free lives. But, you do have someone to share your heart with on a regular basis. You can vent to your spouse when whatever issue arises on Thursday and it's out of your system in time for you to have it together on your way into church.
Yes, I do take everything to the Lord. I'm forever grateful that He never tires of hearing me. that He loves and longs to hear my voice. And I long to hear His voice! There are times, though, that I long to have someone that I can be completely open and honest with...someone with skin, someone that I can see...without the fear that I'm going to be judged or called out for sharing my life. I think we're created to be in community, in His family....that means being willing to be with a brother or sister when they're facing circumstances and praying with them when their heart feels shredded beyond repair by those circumstances, not shredding their heart even more.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Not Every Single Woman at Church Wants your Husband
I wasn't going to say anything, but my heart is just so troubled by a call that I received from a friend last week. She’s a fairly new believer and very newly plugged in to a church. She’s a smidge younger than me (early 30s). She’s single, never been married. She’s found a church where she has friends that attend and she really enjoys.
Here’s why my heart is breaking. She called to say that she’d been told her friends no longer feel comfortable spending so much time with her. Her friends are all married. And some of the church leaders had counseled her friends that it’s not wise to invite my friend (who is *gasp* single) because she’s probably trying to steal their husbands! She never called just to talk to the husbands. She never sought out time to be alone with the husbands. But, since she’s single, it’s a given that she’s out to wreck the marriage! This infuriates me!
And this hit a nerve, because I've had similar things said about and to me. It’s so sad that the Church not only allows this kind of mindset, but in some places, actually perpetuates this attitude. I remember when my friends and I were fresh out of college…starting the (first of many) wedding rounds. I was in a friend’s wedding, and at the rehearsal I found out I was walking down the aisle with the husband of the gal who was coordinating things. I was seriously confused when I took the guy’s offered arm to walk down the aisle (you know, like at a wedding), and his wife said “oh, I don’t think you need to be THAT close!” At the dinner after rehearsal, I overheard her telling others that since I was the only single gal there, they should watch out because I was probably after their husbands/fiancés. Seriously? I mean, it’s a wedding procession for goodness’ sake. And really, I didn't think your husband was all that. I thought it was a one-time incident, but sadly it wasn't.
I've had friends tell me that we just can’t be very close anymore because the leaders in their churches have warned them about being friends with a single woman…oddly no one’s been told this about their single male friends. Here’s the deal…God has not given me peace to date a divorced man whose wife left him. So, why on earth would I try to steal your husband?! Not to mention the fact that YOU ARE MY FRIEND….or at least supposed to be….why would I do anything to hurt you?! If I get married one day, and God-forbid you find yourself divorced or widowed, do I need to worry about you stealing my husband?? I should hope not!!
I am so very thankful for the brothers in Christ I have gained when my friends got married! I love my girl time with my gals….but I also love being able to hang out with them as a couple. I’m thankful for the sisters in Christ I now have when my guy friends got married! And I love when they have kids and I get to be the cool “Aunt Mere”. I’m thankful when I can ask a question about purchasing a furnace, get help on fixing the lawnmower, and get a guy’s perspective on how things are progressing (or not) with the guy I’m crushing on!
I’m concerned that I’m seeing/hearing an increase in the attitude that single women are out to steal husbands or worse yet, being accused of having a Jezebel spirit. The percentage of adults that are single is rising. I pray that doesn’t mean the accusations are going to increase as well. I pray for the day that single adults can be viewed as WHOLE, not half of a person. I pray for the day that genuine friendships are not viewed in any way other than Godly.
Monday, October 20, 2014
One Day...
Have you ever found yourself saying “One day…”? What was at the end of your thought? Or are you like me and you have many endings
to that thought? Mine becomes a list.
One Day….
- I’ll find a man that wants to marry me and I want to marry.
- I’ll adopt my “rainbow tribe” of kids!
- I will feel free in this life.
- I will travel to new countries around the globe.
- I will find a church where I feel like I fit.
- I will simply feel like I belong somewhere.
- I won’t be stuck in a body that hates me and makes me feel old and hurt.
- I will not be afraid to let people see the real me – I am not happy about
everything all of the time – and I shouldn't have to act
like I am.
Then I remember that never will everything feel perfect in the world thanks to sin entering a few thousand years ago. And my heart will always feel lonely because I was created to be in constant communion with God.
And I can be thankful that One Day...
- Jesus will make the wrong things right.
- I will see Jesus face to face and none (or at least almost none) of these
will be of
any importance.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Why I don’t go to church on Mother’s Day…
Disclaimer: I am not seeking pity, just honestly sharing my heart.
Today I am struggling. I suppose it’s my fault that I got onto Facebook & Twitter on Mother’s Day weekend. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not on a crusade against Mother’s Day or moms. I love moms. I loved my mom so much it could make my heart hurt. But when you are a single woman over the age of 25, the Church can feel like the most cruel place to be on Mother’s Day. I’m not going to lie – I haven’t gone to Church on Mother’s Day since my mom died. Sitting in the crowd, not being a mother and no longer having a mother, when all the moms are asked to stand or given a rose – and almost EVERY woman over 25 but you falls in that category – is hard. Before you start to lecture me or preach at me, answer this question – when was the last time you went to a church where you knew next to no one by yourself? And then came home to no spouse to talk with about the sermon? I go to churches all the time in southern Illinois as a single 34-year-old – I DO hard all of the time…this day can just sting the heart more. And, I’m not disqualifying the pain of those who deal with infertility, I've prayed and cried more prayers and tears with these friends than I can remember. But they are usually sitting in the pew with their husbands – having someone to mourn with the loss of what they thought life would be. I’m not trying to diminish that pain. But it’s not the same as a single woman, sitting by herself, praying with all that is within her that God will keep her heart from being offended…because her heart desires to be married and adopt a rainbow tribe of children to love.
I know that I am blessed beyond belief. God gave me to one of the most wonderful mothers to ever walk the face of the earth. I was blessed that my grandmother loved and taught me so much. I’m blessed to have aunts that are so good to me. I’m blessed that I grew up in the Church & have had so many honorary mothers and grandmothers I couldn't name them all. I know that I am blessed. And for those blessings, I will forever be grateful! I will continue to do what my mother taught me – honor these ladies all year long. My mom hated the corsages & the pomp on Mother’s Day. When I was about 7, she told me “Show me you love me all year long, not just on one made-up holiday”. I do celebrate moms! I pray that you are blessed with children who show you they love you all year long! And I will do my best to show you that too! Rather than bursting in tears, looking completely sad & ruining your celebration, I’ll just be praying for you & the ones that gave you the title “Mom” from my prayer closet at home on Mother’s Day morning!
Today I am struggling. I suppose it’s my fault that I got onto Facebook & Twitter on Mother’s Day weekend. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not on a crusade against Mother’s Day or moms. I love moms. I loved my mom so much it could make my heart hurt. But when you are a single woman over the age of 25, the Church can feel like the most cruel place to be on Mother’s Day. I’m not going to lie – I haven’t gone to Church on Mother’s Day since my mom died. Sitting in the crowd, not being a mother and no longer having a mother, when all the moms are asked to stand or given a rose – and almost EVERY woman over 25 but you falls in that category – is hard. Before you start to lecture me or preach at me, answer this question – when was the last time you went to a church where you knew next to no one by yourself? And then came home to no spouse to talk with about the sermon? I go to churches all the time in southern Illinois as a single 34-year-old – I DO hard all of the time…this day can just sting the heart more. And, I’m not disqualifying the pain of those who deal with infertility, I've prayed and cried more prayers and tears with these friends than I can remember. But they are usually sitting in the pew with their husbands – having someone to mourn with the loss of what they thought life would be. I’m not trying to diminish that pain. But it’s not the same as a single woman, sitting by herself, praying with all that is within her that God will keep her heart from being offended…because her heart desires to be married and adopt a rainbow tribe of children to love.
I know that I am blessed beyond belief. God gave me to one of the most wonderful mothers to ever walk the face of the earth. I was blessed that my grandmother loved and taught me so much. I’m blessed to have aunts that are so good to me. I’m blessed that I grew up in the Church & have had so many honorary mothers and grandmothers I couldn't name them all. I know that I am blessed. And for those blessings, I will forever be grateful! I will continue to do what my mother taught me – honor these ladies all year long. My mom hated the corsages & the pomp on Mother’s Day. When I was about 7, she told me “Show me you love me all year long, not just on one made-up holiday”. I do celebrate moms! I pray that you are blessed with children who show you they love you all year long! And I will do my best to show you that too! Rather than bursting in tears, looking completely sad & ruining your celebration, I’ll just be praying for you & the ones that gave you the title “Mom” from my prayer closet at home on Mother’s Day morning!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Not for the Faint of Heart
The other day, I was told "You have no idea how lucky you are to be single. Being married is so hard, it's just so tough and so much work!" Yeah, my first thought in my head was to react with "No, really?! I would have never guessed that!" I didn't, though. I kept my thoughts to myself and just fake-smiled and nodded. Apparently, that was the wrong response. This person then proceeded to share with me all of the ways in which I am "lucky".
Since I'm single, I don't have to worry about looking good all of the time for my husband. Yeah, because you never want to look good for a potential spouse that you might randomly meet.
I don't have to worry about keeping my house clean. Yeah, because I love living in total filth when I'm alone.
I don't have to worry about meal planning. Yep, if I'd just quit eating, I'd probably start to look better, but then again, I don't have to worry about that. Oops, I already forgot.
I don't have to worry about schedules at all, since I'm the single, care-free gal! Yeah, us single folks, we never have to be anywhere on time, we can just show up to anything whenever we want. And those friends of ours who are married and have kids, they don't mind if we show up 3 hours later than the agreed-upon time, because we're single and sure they'll understand.
I am free all of the time to take on any volunteer role in the church with ALL of the free time I have, since I don't have anything else going on. Yes, I may have a little more time available to serve in the church than my married friends. However, when every ministry has this attitude, I end up being booked at least 5 nights a week, and many times more.
Yes, I'm using sarcasm here, but I'm honestly not trying to be rude. I'm just being honest regarding the things I've heard and personally been told. I fully understand that being married is hard. How could it not be? Two people who are supposed to live as one. That's two separate, individual free-wills trying to join together and operate as one. That has to be hard! I would not argue that at all. In fact, that's a part of the reason I'm not married...I understand how difficult that would be, so I have to be extremely 'picky' in whose proposal I accept.
Let me share with you part of the single-at-a-later-age-than-normal life that you might not find so glamorous. *Disclaimer: I am not trying to be mean, petty or ugly, I am simply sharing in honesty.
- While I do have independence (freedom as one married friend said), that can come with a cost. It's easy to forget I have to be totally dependent upon God, when I'm used to depending upon myself.
- EVERY decision that gets made is made by me. Again, while that may sound like freedom and independence, on a lot of bigger issues, it can be incredibly frightening. If I'd gotten married at 18 or 21, so few of the major life-changing decisions made in my life would have been made by just me.
- When I'm sick, I have no one who can run to the store to get my medicine or making me soup. Yes, I'm aware that many spouses don't do that (trust me, I have enough married friends who have shared this with me). And in regards to a cold or the flu, that's one thing. But, when it comes to have procedures or surgery done, I'm not only struggling alone with the decision, but also with the fact that I have no way to get home if I'm medicated. *Example: Last summer I went to the ER with HORRIBLE pain. I had a kidney stone - that caused the worst pain of any kidney stone since I was a kid. The doctor ordered a narcotic injection, but the waiting room was so full that I couldn't stay beyond 30 minutes, even though I couldn't drive for hours. So what happened you ask? I took 2 of my own extra-strength Tylenol and drove myself home. The vomiting finally stopped and the pain subsided in a few days as the stone passed. But, I'm being honest, it was rough.
- If I want to eat, I am the one who will do the grocery shopping, menu planning and the cooking. I don't have enough money to eat out, nor do I enjoy eating out that much. So, yeah, I have to take care of that. Plus, I grew up cooking for 4-6 people (at the least). Trying to cook only enough for 1-2 people is a task I haven't mastered yet.
- When you're single at age 32, most of your friends are married. Heck, most of your former youth group kids are married. Something magical happens....your now married friends just can't relate to your single person problems anymore. Most issues being faced as a single person aren't "adult" problems, so they just have trouble understanding why you can't just deal with it. I can't count how many times, just from my late-twenties until now that I have been told "oh, you'll understand what 'real' problems are when you get married".
- Another point - being treated like a child. For some reason, even though I'm going to turn 33 this summer, I'm still too immature and stupid to understand the same problems that somehow the 19-year-olds that got married last summer totally understand. (Unless this problem is in regards to sex, I fully do NOT understand this logic.)
- I do have more free time in that I don't have to devote time to a husband (or child), but that doesn't mean I never do anything. Honestly, every week, I am serving or involved in a ministry role at least 3 nights a week, many weeks that is 5 nights. Yep, if you did the math correctly, that means I don't really have that much free time.
- It can be really lonely being alone so much of the time. Yes, I know that it's easy to be lonely when you're with someone. But it's a LOT more easy to be lonely when you're by yourself. When you just want someone to talk to, whether or not they offer a solution, just someone to share life with. Which can easily lead to the next issue.
- It's easy to be labeled as the "needy" one or the "complainer", especially in church. I do turn to God and share with Him. But sometimes you need a real person before you in physical flesh to share your problems, your heart, your thoughts with. If it's a problem, I'm going to appear needy when everyone else, or at least most people at your church are married. I may not even need their help in finding the answer, I may just need someone to listen, as I don't have the built-in sounding board of a spouse.
- The list of "he/she used to be one of my closest friends" becomes longer after every wedding you attend (or are many times in). It is the way it's supposed to happen, for two lives to become one, those two need to spend lots of time together. And now there are two families' worth of family obligations. When the love of the couple produces a child, that's where their attention needs to be. So, even though everyone says it will never happen, friendships naturally have to take a huge dive on the priority list.
- Sometimes, at the end of a horrible day, you just want someone to hold you in their arms, tell you that you're not a total failure at everything you've attempted and that you are, indeed, going to make it through this life without having a breakdown.
- If you happen to say "I can see myself being content even if I'm single until I die", you will get looks (from marrieds and singles) that will make you think you have a tail growing - out of your shoulder. Content - we're told to learn to be content regardless of our circumstances. Marital status is a circumstance, neither option is the end-all to happiness. And, God doesn't say to learn to be "happy", His Word says to be "content".
My situation as a single adult is different than many in that I'm living at my childhood home and am my father's caregiver. So, the decisions I make don't just affect myself, but my dad as well, which can seriously add to the pressure of making the right choices. And, I have to make EVERY decision, including all of those "adult" ones whether or not I want to make them, by myself.
I am so thankful that God cannot break His Word, that He will never leave me nor forsake me. That He loves me. That He loves to hear from me and loves to comfort me. I'm convinced that being an older single adult is definitely not for the faint of heart. I know that breakdown would have happened long ago if it weren't for the Lord providing His strength! And I am forever grateful for His great love!!
Since I'm single, I don't have to worry about looking good all of the time for my husband. Yeah, because you never want to look good for a potential spouse that you might randomly meet.
I don't have to worry about keeping my house clean. Yeah, because I love living in total filth when I'm alone.
I don't have to worry about meal planning. Yep, if I'd just quit eating, I'd probably start to look better, but then again, I don't have to worry about that. Oops, I already forgot.
I don't have to worry about schedules at all, since I'm the single, care-free gal! Yeah, us single folks, we never have to be anywhere on time, we can just show up to anything whenever we want. And those friends of ours who are married and have kids, they don't mind if we show up 3 hours later than the agreed-upon time, because we're single and sure they'll understand.
I am free all of the time to take on any volunteer role in the church with ALL of the free time I have, since I don't have anything else going on. Yes, I may have a little more time available to serve in the church than my married friends. However, when every ministry has this attitude, I end up being booked at least 5 nights a week, and many times more.
Yes, I'm using sarcasm here, but I'm honestly not trying to be rude. I'm just being honest regarding the things I've heard and personally been told. I fully understand that being married is hard. How could it not be? Two people who are supposed to live as one. That's two separate, individual free-wills trying to join together and operate as one. That has to be hard! I would not argue that at all. In fact, that's a part of the reason I'm not married...I understand how difficult that would be, so I have to be extremely 'picky' in whose proposal I accept.
Let me share with you part of the single-at-a-later-age-than-normal life that you might not find so glamorous. *Disclaimer: I am not trying to be mean, petty or ugly, I am simply sharing in honesty.
- While I do have independence (freedom as one married friend said), that can come with a cost. It's easy to forget I have to be totally dependent upon God, when I'm used to depending upon myself.
- EVERY decision that gets made is made by me. Again, while that may sound like freedom and independence, on a lot of bigger issues, it can be incredibly frightening. If I'd gotten married at 18 or 21, so few of the major life-changing decisions made in my life would have been made by just me.
- When I'm sick, I have no one who can run to the store to get my medicine or making me soup. Yes, I'm aware that many spouses don't do that (trust me, I have enough married friends who have shared this with me). And in regards to a cold or the flu, that's one thing. But, when it comes to have procedures or surgery done, I'm not only struggling alone with the decision, but also with the fact that I have no way to get home if I'm medicated. *Example: Last summer I went to the ER with HORRIBLE pain. I had a kidney stone - that caused the worst pain of any kidney stone since I was a kid. The doctor ordered a narcotic injection, but the waiting room was so full that I couldn't stay beyond 30 minutes, even though I couldn't drive for hours. So what happened you ask? I took 2 of my own extra-strength Tylenol and drove myself home. The vomiting finally stopped and the pain subsided in a few days as the stone passed. But, I'm being honest, it was rough.
- If I want to eat, I am the one who will do the grocery shopping, menu planning and the cooking. I don't have enough money to eat out, nor do I enjoy eating out that much. So, yeah, I have to take care of that. Plus, I grew up cooking for 4-6 people (at the least). Trying to cook only enough for 1-2 people is a task I haven't mastered yet.
- When you're single at age 32, most of your friends are married. Heck, most of your former youth group kids are married. Something magical happens....your now married friends just can't relate to your single person problems anymore. Most issues being faced as a single person aren't "adult" problems, so they just have trouble understanding why you can't just deal with it. I can't count how many times, just from my late-twenties until now that I have been told "oh, you'll understand what 'real' problems are when you get married".
- Another point - being treated like a child. For some reason, even though I'm going to turn 33 this summer, I'm still too immature and stupid to understand the same problems that somehow the 19-year-olds that got married last summer totally understand. (Unless this problem is in regards to sex, I fully do NOT understand this logic.)
- I do have more free time in that I don't have to devote time to a husband (or child), but that doesn't mean I never do anything. Honestly, every week, I am serving or involved in a ministry role at least 3 nights a week, many weeks that is 5 nights. Yep, if you did the math correctly, that means I don't really have that much free time.
- It can be really lonely being alone so much of the time. Yes, I know that it's easy to be lonely when you're with someone. But it's a LOT more easy to be lonely when you're by yourself. When you just want someone to talk to, whether or not they offer a solution, just someone to share life with. Which can easily lead to the next issue.
- It's easy to be labeled as the "needy" one or the "complainer", especially in church. I do turn to God and share with Him. But sometimes you need a real person before you in physical flesh to share your problems, your heart, your thoughts with. If it's a problem, I'm going to appear needy when everyone else, or at least most people at your church are married. I may not even need their help in finding the answer, I may just need someone to listen, as I don't have the built-in sounding board of a spouse.
- The list of "he/she used to be one of my closest friends" becomes longer after every wedding you attend (or are many times in). It is the way it's supposed to happen, for two lives to become one, those two need to spend lots of time together. And now there are two families' worth of family obligations. When the love of the couple produces a child, that's where their attention needs to be. So, even though everyone says it will never happen, friendships naturally have to take a huge dive on the priority list.
- Sometimes, at the end of a horrible day, you just want someone to hold you in their arms, tell you that you're not a total failure at everything you've attempted and that you are, indeed, going to make it through this life without having a breakdown.
- If you happen to say "I can see myself being content even if I'm single until I die", you will get looks (from marrieds and singles) that will make you think you have a tail growing - out of your shoulder. Content - we're told to learn to be content regardless of our circumstances. Marital status is a circumstance, neither option is the end-all to happiness. And, God doesn't say to learn to be "happy", His Word says to be "content".
My situation as a single adult is different than many in that I'm living at my childhood home and am my father's caregiver. So, the decisions I make don't just affect myself, but my dad as well, which can seriously add to the pressure of making the right choices. And, I have to make EVERY decision, including all of those "adult" ones whether or not I want to make them, by myself.
I am so thankful that God cannot break His Word, that He will never leave me nor forsake me. That He loves me. That He loves to hear from me and loves to comfort me. I'm convinced that being an older single adult is definitely not for the faint of heart. I know that breakdown would have happened long ago if it weren't for the Lord providing His strength! And I am forever grateful for His great love!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Mawwiage...
What am I looking for in a husband? Being 31 and single for all of those 31 years, this is a question I've pondered before. However, the past few years of my life have been filled with such craziness that the thought of a husband entering the picture, well, it wasn't really much of a thought. For the year I was in China, it was a contractual issue that there would be no dating. Upon returning to the States, I moved to Florida for a few months and then came back to Illinois. Not staying in any one place longer than a few months didn't seem to lead to any lasting relationships. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer and the following 3 years were spent desiring time to sleep...forget hoping/praying for a man, I was excited at the prospect of sleeping for more than 4 consecutive hours! Since Mom's been gone, I'm still with my dad full-time, but there's only one parent now, and I've gotten some rest and had time to think.
Last week, a friend told me that she's praying for me...for many things, but one of the specifics is for the husband that God has for me. So this took my thoughts where they hadn't really been in a while. Marriage. And that lead to me doing what I think I do best...asking questions!!
Do I feel that marriage is a desire God's laid upon my heart or something I feel I'm suppose to desire because society says it's good? Could I live contentedly as a single person until I die or Jesus comes back, if that's what God asks of me? If marriage is in His plan for my life, what exactly am I looking for? What are the qualities in a man that are non-negotiable and what are those that are just preferences?
Honestly, over the years, I've learned that I am a fairly girly-girl....well I have my moments at least. But for being as girly as I am, I am quite possibly the least romantic girly-girl in history! Don't get me wrong, I love romantic gestures...flowers, love notes, etc. What I mean is that I cringe when I hear lines in a movie such as Jerry McGuire "You complete me." Uh, no. I don't think that's how it is supposed to work. God says that He is enough for me, His grace is sufficient...I think that kinda means I'm already complete as long as I have Him. He created Adam & said that it wasn't good for man to be alone, so He created Eve as Adam's helpmeet. They were made to compliment one another, not complete each other. He said "two shall be one", not two halves will become one. And I don't buy into the notion of "falling in love". If that were true, you could just as easily "fall out of love". Love is a decision, it is a choice that we make. And I am old enough & have enough married friends to know, some days that choice is harder to make than others. But it's still a choice, not an emotion.
I know that marriage is a desire of my heart, but what I'm trying to figure out is whether I put it there or if God placed that desire there. I do know that my heart's desire is also to adopt. And as much as I've prayed, I do not feel led to adopt without being married. So if adoption is to happen, He will send the right man into my life.
So what am I looking for in a husband? My list is pretty different now than when I was, say, 15. haha I no longer desire the perfect man that is just the right mix of rugged manliness, yet has a great sense of fashion; has the best sense of humor in the world, yet can be serious the moment I need him to be; has to be strong and masculine, yet be able to show his more vulnerable side at a moment's notice. I've come to realize I will never meet a perfect man other than Jesus. And that's a good thing, because I would hate the thought that God would pair me with a perfect man - I know exactly how horribly flawed I am!!
Non-negotiables, though, include a man whose heart has completely been given to the Lord. A man that seeks the Lord before making decisions, and seeks Godly counsel. A man whose prayer life is the strongest part of him. A man that realizes and accepts no matter how hard I may try, I will never be perfect towards him. But he also knows that my heart's desire is to be pleasing unto the Lord; that we would spur one another on in our relationship with the Lord. I want a marriage that would be a partnership of serving the Lord faithfully. A man that is spiritually mature, so that I would have no qualms about placing him in a place of spiritual authority over me, as he would become the spiritual head of our household. A man who knows how to be a man, who knows how to lead people to God. I know that he will not be all of these things all of the time, because he will be human (unless there's a real life Superman out there! haha), but this man...his heart would strive to be these things at all times! I would also love to have someone that is just there for me, to give me a hug, hold me when I cry, scratch that spot in the middle of my back that I can never quite reach!! ha
I don't care so much what he looks like, though I gotta admit that I'm a sucker for curly hair. He doesn't have to sing or play an instrument, though those make me swoon! ha He doesn't have to have a wonderful job with great pay. He doesn't have to be in full-time ministry. He doesn't have to have the world's most perfect smile, although perfectly straight teeth would definitely have been a selling point for my mama!! He just has to have a heart that smiles with the love of the Lord. He doesn't have to have the darkest of brown eyes or the deepest of blue. He just has to have eyes that are full of the love of the Lord.
I know that if God does have marriage in store for me, He is all-knowing. So God knows exactly what characteristics this man and I possess, the qualities that would cause us to strive for a relationship that encourages us both towards the Lord. One that would cause us both to desire to love each other and other people even more with the love of the Lord than we have in the past!
And the crazy ride that I've had in walking with the Lord has shown me that if I am to never marry, I can be content. He has proven more times than I can count that He is more than enough for me. And He will always provide my needs.
Last week, a friend told me that she's praying for me...for many things, but one of the specifics is for the husband that God has for me. So this took my thoughts where they hadn't really been in a while. Marriage. And that lead to me doing what I think I do best...asking questions!!
Do I feel that marriage is a desire God's laid upon my heart or something I feel I'm suppose to desire because society says it's good? Could I live contentedly as a single person until I die or Jesus comes back, if that's what God asks of me? If marriage is in His plan for my life, what exactly am I looking for? What are the qualities in a man that are non-negotiable and what are those that are just preferences?
Honestly, over the years, I've learned that I am a fairly girly-girl....well I have my moments at least. But for being as girly as I am, I am quite possibly the least romantic girly-girl in history! Don't get me wrong, I love romantic gestures...flowers, love notes, etc. What I mean is that I cringe when I hear lines in a movie such as Jerry McGuire "You complete me." Uh, no. I don't think that's how it is supposed to work. God says that He is enough for me, His grace is sufficient...I think that kinda means I'm already complete as long as I have Him. He created Adam & said that it wasn't good for man to be alone, so He created Eve as Adam's helpmeet. They were made to compliment one another, not complete each other. He said "two shall be one", not two halves will become one. And I don't buy into the notion of "falling in love". If that were true, you could just as easily "fall out of love". Love is a decision, it is a choice that we make. And I am old enough & have enough married friends to know, some days that choice is harder to make than others. But it's still a choice, not an emotion.
I know that marriage is a desire of my heart, but what I'm trying to figure out is whether I put it there or if God placed that desire there. I do know that my heart's desire is also to adopt. And as much as I've prayed, I do not feel led to adopt without being married. So if adoption is to happen, He will send the right man into my life.
So what am I looking for in a husband? My list is pretty different now than when I was, say, 15. haha I no longer desire the perfect man that is just the right mix of rugged manliness, yet has a great sense of fashion; has the best sense of humor in the world, yet can be serious the moment I need him to be; has to be strong and masculine, yet be able to show his more vulnerable side at a moment's notice. I've come to realize I will never meet a perfect man other than Jesus. And that's a good thing, because I would hate the thought that God would pair me with a perfect man - I know exactly how horribly flawed I am!!
Non-negotiables, though, include a man whose heart has completely been given to the Lord. A man that seeks the Lord before making decisions, and seeks Godly counsel. A man whose prayer life is the strongest part of him. A man that realizes and accepts no matter how hard I may try, I will never be perfect towards him. But he also knows that my heart's desire is to be pleasing unto the Lord; that we would spur one another on in our relationship with the Lord. I want a marriage that would be a partnership of serving the Lord faithfully. A man that is spiritually mature, so that I would have no qualms about placing him in a place of spiritual authority over me, as he would become the spiritual head of our household. A man who knows how to be a man, who knows how to lead people to God. I know that he will not be all of these things all of the time, because he will be human (unless there's a real life Superman out there! haha), but this man...his heart would strive to be these things at all times! I would also love to have someone that is just there for me, to give me a hug, hold me when I cry, scratch that spot in the middle of my back that I can never quite reach!! ha
I don't care so much what he looks like, though I gotta admit that I'm a sucker for curly hair. He doesn't have to sing or play an instrument, though those make me swoon! ha He doesn't have to have a wonderful job with great pay. He doesn't have to be in full-time ministry. He doesn't have to have the world's most perfect smile, although perfectly straight teeth would definitely have been a selling point for my mama!! He just has to have a heart that smiles with the love of the Lord. He doesn't have to have the darkest of brown eyes or the deepest of blue. He just has to have eyes that are full of the love of the Lord.
I know that if God does have marriage in store for me, He is all-knowing. So God knows exactly what characteristics this man and I possess, the qualities that would cause us to strive for a relationship that encourages us both towards the Lord. One that would cause us both to desire to love each other and other people even more with the love of the Lord than we have in the past!
And the crazy ride that I've had in walking with the Lord has shown me that if I am to never marry, I can be content. He has proven more times than I can count that He is more than enough for me. And He will always provide my needs.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Single forever?
There are lots of times in my life that I don't mind being single. I really don't. I have even written before about the privileges and advantages that I'm aware I have as a single adult. And I truly believe that there are lots of perks to my singleness!
And I don't want to be one of those gals who is constantly pining away for a husband. In fact, most of my friends would tell you that's not really my style. However, there are those days...those days when you find out that friends are pregnant, engaged or even in a new relationship. Friends that were the ones everyone expected to stay single forever. And those days...well those days sting a little bit. It's not that you wish ill on your friends, exactly the opposite. Because you know better than anyone how excited they are to finally find someone even though they're over 30! I can relate to those friends much better than our friends who started dating in high school. But there's still something about it that causes a little sting. I used to think it was jealousy, but I don't think that's really it. I think it's just the sting that comes with being offended at God. The moment of "why are You withholding something this good from me, but not anyone else?" And you know as soon as those words come out of your mouth (or your heart if it be the case), you know that is not the truth. You know that God is a good God who only has good and perfect gifts to give you. You work to make your heart and your brain work together to get this knowledge to stick to your innermost thoughts....for the millionth time!
I have to make myself remember that I'm not God. I'm probably one of those people that everyone expects to stay single...and maybe God will shock them (and me) by sending someone into my life one day! Maybe He'll use my singleness in even more awesome ways that He has thus far. And maybe He'll just continue to do what He's promised and stick by my side, hold my hand and carry me when I need it! Yep, I know He'll do that for sure!
And I don't want to be one of those gals who is constantly pining away for a husband. In fact, most of my friends would tell you that's not really my style. However, there are those days...those days when you find out that friends are pregnant, engaged or even in a new relationship. Friends that were the ones everyone expected to stay single forever. And those days...well those days sting a little bit. It's not that you wish ill on your friends, exactly the opposite. Because you know better than anyone how excited they are to finally find someone even though they're over 30! I can relate to those friends much better than our friends who started dating in high school. But there's still something about it that causes a little sting. I used to think it was jealousy, but I don't think that's really it. I think it's just the sting that comes with being offended at God. The moment of "why are You withholding something this good from me, but not anyone else?" And you know as soon as those words come out of your mouth (or your heart if it be the case), you know that is not the truth. You know that God is a good God who only has good and perfect gifts to give you. You work to make your heart and your brain work together to get this knowledge to stick to your innermost thoughts....for the millionth time!
I have to make myself remember that I'm not God. I'm probably one of those people that everyone expects to stay single...and maybe God will shock them (and me) by sending someone into my life one day! Maybe He'll use my singleness in even more awesome ways that He has thus far. And maybe He'll just continue to do what He's promised and stick by my side, hold my hand and carry me when I need it! Yep, I know He'll do that for sure!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
That time again...
Yep, it's that time again. It's getting close to my birthday. On Sunday, I shall become 31-year-old! As per norm, I take my birthday as a time to reflect upon my life, the paths I've taken, decisions made, changes in circumstances and my growth in God.
This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.
I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.
OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!
So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.
Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!
Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!
Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!
Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.
Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!
This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.
I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.
OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!
So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.
Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!
Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!
Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!
Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.
Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More at peace than I was...
OK. So today was a little better than last night. I still feel like I don't fit in...but with the extra prayers of a friend going up....I am not feeling as bad as I did last night! I have more peace about not fitting in. :) Praise God!
Isn't it funny how 2 sentences can trigger feelings & memories of things said over the past year? That's what happened last night. After 2 sentences were said..a whole plethora of memories flooded my mind of how I felt hurt by statements made in the past and the way those statements made me feel.
On top of all of my feelings ranging from anger to hurt (and everywhere in between), I realized that normally I would talk all of these things over with my mom. Even when I lived in China, I talked to my mom quite frequently and she was always more than willing to be my sounding board. I miss her not being here for me to talk to. My mom loved to let me vent and then watch me sort out my feelings and thoughts. Then when I figured out what was at the root of everything and how I needed to deal with it, she would smile & say, "Yep, I knew you'd figure out what you needed to do." She was an amazing mama who was an amazing teacher like that. She made sure we knew how to think for ourselves and make decisions on our own. But a sounding board was never a bad thing to have!
I realized tonight how much God has blessed me. I don't have my mama here, and she's definitely the person I want to talk with to work things out. But because we live in a not-perfect, fallen world, she isn't here anymore. God, however, in all of His graciousness, has provided me with wonderful family and friends. They're not here to take Mom's place, but He's provided them to help fill the void. I am so thankful that He is such a good God. He could have let me lose my mom and not sent anyone else to help me out. However, I realized that 3 nights this week alone, I have spoken to 3 different "mamas" that He's provided me. And last week, I ran into 2 different "grandmas" that I've known & loved (and have loved me) since I was born. All of these people are in my spiritual family. And I am once again humbled by the awesomeness of my God - that He truly adopts and brings us into a family! And I have family everywhere! Oh what a good, good God!
Isn't it funny how 2 sentences can trigger feelings & memories of things said over the past year? That's what happened last night. After 2 sentences were said..a whole plethora of memories flooded my mind of how I felt hurt by statements made in the past and the way those statements made me feel.
On top of all of my feelings ranging from anger to hurt (and everywhere in between), I realized that normally I would talk all of these things over with my mom. Even when I lived in China, I talked to my mom quite frequently and she was always more than willing to be my sounding board. I miss her not being here for me to talk to. My mom loved to let me vent and then watch me sort out my feelings and thoughts. Then when I figured out what was at the root of everything and how I needed to deal with it, she would smile & say, "Yep, I knew you'd figure out what you needed to do." She was an amazing mama who was an amazing teacher like that. She made sure we knew how to think for ourselves and make decisions on our own. But a sounding board was never a bad thing to have!
I realized tonight how much God has blessed me. I don't have my mama here, and she's definitely the person I want to talk with to work things out. But because we live in a not-perfect, fallen world, she isn't here anymore. God, however, in all of His graciousness, has provided me with wonderful family and friends. They're not here to take Mom's place, but He's provided them to help fill the void. I am so thankful that He is such a good God. He could have let me lose my mom and not sent anyone else to help me out. However, I realized that 3 nights this week alone, I have spoken to 3 different "mamas" that He's provided me. And last week, I ran into 2 different "grandmas" that I've known & loved (and have loved me) since I was born. All of these people are in my spiritual family. And I am once again humbled by the awesomeness of my God - that He truly adopts and brings us into a family! And I have family everywhere! Oh what a good, good God!
Fitting in...
It seems like these past few days, months, years even have been tough. Yes, lots of things have happened to make life not so fun, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me having trouble finding where I "fit".
As a disclaimer: I know that Heaven is my ultimate home and where my citizenship is. I know that I will be homesick for Heaven (which I love that we can be homesick for somewhere we've never been!) until either Jesus comes back to Earth or I pass from this part of life into eternity. I understand that I will never feel completely like I am "at home" until I really am at Home.
However, lately I don't seem to be "fitting" anywhere. I'm in Flora, IL now, which has been my home for most of my life - minus college, traveling with the drama company, living in China and Florida. That means Flora has been my home for at least 25 years. So I should fit, right? Nope, I don't. I'm not for sure that I ever really fit in here to begin with. And that's OK...it really is. I've dealt with not being part of "the norm" most of my life it seems. One time when I was younger, I told my mom that I was going to be property adjoining hers & build a little house; she told me "Nope, I just have a feeling that's not at all what you're going to want to do when you grow up. I think you're going to go to college and then travel to see the country. And you won't want to live in Clay County, but always remember, that's OK. You don't have to live the same life I've lived. I think God has something very different in store for you." Even my mom knew that I didn't "fit in" at a young age! haha
I guess the issue has been that, as of late, it seems that if I ever express that I don't feel as though I fit in here, everyone assumes that I'm a judgmental snob. I really am not, I'm just stating that I am aware I'm different than most people I'm around. I don't have a desire to settle down, raise a family in the old farmhouse and live out the rest of my earthly days here. I'm 30 and still single (and not pining away for a husband, nor depressed that I don't have one - I kinda even like it sometimes haha). I have a Master's degree because I LOVE learning & value education. I'm not a woman that constantly "hears" her biological clock ticking away, in fact I'm not for sure that I ever want to have children of my own if I ever do get married. I want to travel the world! I like city life! Yep, that's me in a nutshell!
I know many people that were married before age 18 and had kids before 20. I know lots of people who chose that college was not for them. I have lots of friends that are stay-at-home moms & can't imagine doing anything else! I know many people who hate city life, who never want to travel and that's OK! Yes, I have trouble relating, but it's completely wonderful if that's their hearts' desires! I don't automatically assume myself to be superior, nor them to be inferior. I admit that it's hard to relate to people when we're coming from opposite viewpoints, but I do try my darndest.
The problem I'm facing lately is that because of these differences, I'm being judged. I can't count the number of times I've heard (just since my mom died in November), "So are you going to start dating now?" "Isn't it time that you find a guy & settle down?" or my favorite - "You know, you're not getting any younger & if you don't hurry up and get a guy, you might not be able to have kids!" My reply is usually "I dont' know for sure that God has marriage or kids in my future." Their reply "Oh! Don't say sad things like that!" My response "It's really not sad, I'm OK with staying single. And if I do get married, I'm not for sure that I want kids anyway." Reply (with faces with that shocked/horror look & voice dripping with disdain and/or pity) "Ohh, I see, how sad." Or, my favorite response "Oh, I get it! You're gay!" ARGH!!!! I don't walk up to people & say "Oh my gosh! You're married & not even 22! AND you have kids?! Oh how sad!!" Can you imagine what would happen if I said that?! Just because it's different from my life doesn't make it sad, so why does my life state seem so sad to others?
I guess my problem is mostly my hurt feelings. I'm so tired of being the one that gets labeled and treated as though I have a problem simply because I'm different from those I'm around. I don't understand how people can say they "truly believe I'm following God's Plan for my life" and then treat me as if I'm a freak because I'm not just like them. Newsflash: God made us all individuals with different purposes...that's what makes the world interesting!
OK, my Darvocet has kicked in and I'm beyond not making any sense now. I used to be frustrated I didn't have regular readers, but I am beginning to think it's a good thing, because I can use this blog as a journal of sorts! I think writing is therapeutic...it helps me figure out my thoughts when they're swirling around!
As a disclaimer: I know that Heaven is my ultimate home and where my citizenship is. I know that I will be homesick for Heaven (which I love that we can be homesick for somewhere we've never been!) until either Jesus comes back to Earth or I pass from this part of life into eternity. I understand that I will never feel completely like I am "at home" until I really am at Home.
However, lately I don't seem to be "fitting" anywhere. I'm in Flora, IL now, which has been my home for most of my life - minus college, traveling with the drama company, living in China and Florida. That means Flora has been my home for at least 25 years. So I should fit, right? Nope, I don't. I'm not for sure that I ever really fit in here to begin with. And that's OK...it really is. I've dealt with not being part of "the norm" most of my life it seems. One time when I was younger, I told my mom that I was going to be property adjoining hers & build a little house; she told me "Nope, I just have a feeling that's not at all what you're going to want to do when you grow up. I think you're going to go to college and then travel to see the country. And you won't want to live in Clay County, but always remember, that's OK. You don't have to live the same life I've lived. I think God has something very different in store for you." Even my mom knew that I didn't "fit in" at a young age! haha
I guess the issue has been that, as of late, it seems that if I ever express that I don't feel as though I fit in here, everyone assumes that I'm a judgmental snob. I really am not, I'm just stating that I am aware I'm different than most people I'm around. I don't have a desire to settle down, raise a family in the old farmhouse and live out the rest of my earthly days here. I'm 30 and still single (and not pining away for a husband, nor depressed that I don't have one - I kinda even like it sometimes haha). I have a Master's degree because I LOVE learning & value education. I'm not a woman that constantly "hears" her biological clock ticking away, in fact I'm not for sure that I ever want to have children of my own if I ever do get married. I want to travel the world! I like city life! Yep, that's me in a nutshell!
I know many people that were married before age 18 and had kids before 20. I know lots of people who chose that college was not for them. I have lots of friends that are stay-at-home moms & can't imagine doing anything else! I know many people who hate city life, who never want to travel and that's OK! Yes, I have trouble relating, but it's completely wonderful if that's their hearts' desires! I don't automatically assume myself to be superior, nor them to be inferior. I admit that it's hard to relate to people when we're coming from opposite viewpoints, but I do try my darndest.
The problem I'm facing lately is that because of these differences, I'm being judged. I can't count the number of times I've heard (just since my mom died in November), "So are you going to start dating now?" "Isn't it time that you find a guy & settle down?" or my favorite - "You know, you're not getting any younger & if you don't hurry up and get a guy, you might not be able to have kids!" My reply is usually "I dont' know for sure that God has marriage or kids in my future." Their reply "Oh! Don't say sad things like that!" My response "It's really not sad, I'm OK with staying single. And if I do get married, I'm not for sure that I want kids anyway." Reply (with faces with that shocked/horror look & voice dripping with disdain and/or pity) "Ohh, I see, how sad." Or, my favorite response "Oh, I get it! You're gay!" ARGH!!!! I don't walk up to people & say "Oh my gosh! You're married & not even 22! AND you have kids?! Oh how sad!!" Can you imagine what would happen if I said that?! Just because it's different from my life doesn't make it sad, so why does my life state seem so sad to others?
I guess my problem is mostly my hurt feelings. I'm so tired of being the one that gets labeled and treated as though I have a problem simply because I'm different from those I'm around. I don't understand how people can say they "truly believe I'm following God's Plan for my life" and then treat me as if I'm a freak because I'm not just like them. Newsflash: God made us all individuals with different purposes...that's what makes the world interesting!
OK, my Darvocet has kicked in and I'm beyond not making any sense now. I used to be frustrated I didn't have regular readers, but I am beginning to think it's a good thing, because I can use this blog as a journal of sorts! I think writing is therapeutic...it helps me figure out my thoughts when they're swirling around!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
The grass is sometimes greener...
I'm sure that you've gotten phone calls, cards or emails from friends who are sharing their great news. And you love that they are so blessed and that wonderful things are happening in their lives. I love when a friend calls to tell me that she or he is getting married! Or when I'm told that new babies will be entering our world! I love hearing that news and being excited for my friends!
Here's what happens sometimes, though. I'm 28 and single. Though I normally have NO problems with this, when multiple engagements and wedding talks take place at the same time, there comes that little question in the back of my mind "when, if ever, will it be my turn?" I love when my friends have babies! I love babies and little ones. I love being able to spoil them, play with them and do my part to point them toward the Lord. I love being Aunt Meredith! But that question comes again "will I ever get to have one of my own?" I see the divorce rates rising and think....some of these women are leaving 2 awesome husbands throughout their lifetimes and I don't even get one to love and cherish. And having worked in child welfare, I know that there are MANY people who have children that they don't love and nurture, yet I'm single so no children for me. I guess that's another time that life just doesn't seem fair.
However, I look over the events of my life, the last few months and even the past week. My parents have been sick and by being single and child-free, I have been with them almost every waking moment to help take care of them, talk with them and just be with them. I wouldn't trade the time with them for anything. By being single, I was able to decide in 12 hours that I would pack up and move to China for a year. I was also able to decide to move to Florida for a few months to work with a church plant. And last week, I was able to pack up, drive my parents to Ohio and see aunts & cousins on a moment's notice.
Yes, I would love to be married and become a mother one day. But, right now I can see that the grass is pretty green on my side. I can vacation when I want, I can move if I want, I can come and go as I please. I can spend my money spoiling everyone else's children, love their kids and be loved by their kids....and when the diapers are dirty - I can pass them back to their mommy!
Yes, the grass is pretty green here!
Here's what happens sometimes, though. I'm 28 and single. Though I normally have NO problems with this, when multiple engagements and wedding talks take place at the same time, there comes that little question in the back of my mind "when, if ever, will it be my turn?" I love when my friends have babies! I love babies and little ones. I love being able to spoil them, play with them and do my part to point them toward the Lord. I love being Aunt Meredith! But that question comes again "will I ever get to have one of my own?" I see the divorce rates rising and think....some of these women are leaving 2 awesome husbands throughout their lifetimes and I don't even get one to love and cherish. And having worked in child welfare, I know that there are MANY people who have children that they don't love and nurture, yet I'm single so no children for me. I guess that's another time that life just doesn't seem fair.
However, I look over the events of my life, the last few months and even the past week. My parents have been sick and by being single and child-free, I have been with them almost every waking moment to help take care of them, talk with them and just be with them. I wouldn't trade the time with them for anything. By being single, I was able to decide in 12 hours that I would pack up and move to China for a year. I was also able to decide to move to Florida for a few months to work with a church plant. And last week, I was able to pack up, drive my parents to Ohio and see aunts & cousins on a moment's notice.
Yes, I would love to be married and become a mother one day. But, right now I can see that the grass is pretty green on my side. I can vacation when I want, I can move if I want, I can come and go as I please. I can spend my money spoiling everyone else's children, love their kids and be loved by their kids....and when the diapers are dirty - I can pass them back to their mommy!
Yes, the grass is pretty green here!
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