Alone...

In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, we're told to "pray without ceasing".  I definitely can't say I've achieved that.  But I do converse with God all throughout my day.  Oh, there are times that are set aside to pray for specific requests...taking my petitions before Him.  There are times that are simply for listening/seeking His Will/direction on specific issues.  But, most of the time, there's just a dialogue going throughout the day.  Sometimes it's about little, seemingly unimportant things.  Other times, when I'm sharing my heart, my thoughts, my feelings on bigger issues....those are times when it gets real.

I find that I spend a lot of time asking the "whys" of it all.  I ask "why?" more now than I ever dreamed of asking when I was a child.  Why is this the way it turned out?  Why is this getting so much harder?  Why aren't You being more clear with the lesson You would have me learn (that I'm apparently not)?  A big "why" that seems to be asked in the past few years is "Why do You see fit to leave me here alone?"

Now, I'm aware that there are other people on the planet...I lived in a large city in China, I'm very aware of how many people are on this Earth!  I'm talking about every day life.  I take care of people, I teach children, I lead worship, I spend time with wonderful family and amazing friends.  I love to serve God and His children in whatever way I can.  I was raised by my parents and grandparents to be kind, courteous and helpful, plus it's part of my personality.  I honestly love to pour out into others, I truly do.

But reality hits when I come home, when I'm exhausted or I'm sick...and I'm alone.  Reality hits when I sit down from leading worship or get into my car after time with friends...I'm alone.  Yes, God is always with me, and I'm forever thankful He never leaves me, but reality is that there is no human here with me to hold me when I feel broken, to hug me when I cry, to bring me medicine when I'm sick or to simply remind me that God has not left me.

I know that I am blessed, and I am truly thankful for family, both natural and through Christ.  I know that I'm blessed to love and be loved.  But, it doesn't change the fact that in many moments when I need human interaction or conversation, I am alone.  When I need someone to talk to about taking care of my dad, when I need someone to listen and then talk me down from the edge of panic, I am still alone.  Yes, I am blessed with family in Christ, but, I'm only seeking to be 100% transparent here, though they love me and do care, their families come first.  I am very aware that in those moments (because it's been pointed out to me), I am distracting them or taking them away from their own family.  So, I am left with the choice to bother someone else or cry out to God...most times never not feeling alone.

And I find myself asking God "Why?".  Is there something I've done, some heinous sin that is keeping me alone in this life?  Have I failed to follow Your leading in some way?  Have I angered You in some way?  Am I too needy?  Am I too independent?  Am I too ugly?  Am I too serious?  Am I not serious enough?  Am I too bold?  Am I too timid?  Am I so unlovable that only God Himself can choose to love me...and that's because He IS love?

I truly don't believe I'm still single for any of those reasons.  I know many non-Christians who are married.  I know many people that are consistently negative about everything in life who are married.  I know downright mean people who are have throngs of people who love them.  I know many people who don't know how to let love in, how to be loved...but they're still loved and surrounded by so many.

In all of the times of seeking God's heart, this is an issue that I haven't ever heard an answer on.  One time, I thought the answer I heard was that this season of life would change, but that was quite some time ago...and everything seems to be the same.  Maybe it was wishful thinking added to my prayers.  Maybe I misheard.  Maybe I heard correctly, but His timing is not what I expected.

So...I find myself alone again.  And I will go to Him again.  I will pour out my heart to Him and seek His heart towards me again.  I will do my best to listen to His still, small voice....and maybe one day, I'll hear a clear answer.  In the meantime, I'll keep loving and serving Him and His people and I will choose joy, even if there are tears involved, I will choose joy.  And I'll keep asking the "whys" of it all...knowing that my heart is what He's after.  And knowing that time spent with Him - seeking His heart - is what truly changes mine.