He's Always There and He Always Loves

Today would have been my mom's 67th birthday. My flesh wants to scream how it's entirely unfair that I didn't get to celebrate any birthdays with her past her 59th. Then my mind logically reminds me that many people don't even get to spend 30 birthdays with one or both parents. And a lot of people aren't close to their parents or don't get along with them well. And I was very fortunate to be very close to and get along amazingly with my mom. As I transitioned from childhood to adulthood, she became my best friend. She was the person I talked to every day (or almost) because I wanted to (not like many people's "dutiful" calls to parents). She was my earthy rock, my anchor, my sounding board.

Oh, don't get me wrong....she was my mom first and foremost, until the end. Even when I was her caregiver, she would let me know if she thought I was getting too big for my britches and needed to be knocked down a level or two...she had no qualms going full mom-mode to let me know. Now when I catch myself behaving in a manner or pulling an attitude she wouldn't have approved, I can hear her voice, "Listen here, little girl...." When my mom called us "baby girl", it was always out of sweetness - something nice was to follow. But when she called us "little girl"...well, let's just say it had an edge to it. And you probably weren't going to enjoy what followed. lol But I know it was out of her love for me, her desire to see me become who God intended me to be. She loved me too much to let me start down or stay on a wrong path.

Today, I got good news. And, like every time I get good news, the first person I wanted to share the news with was my mom. Oh, I called and messaged a few people. But almost all were super busy, life is hectic for all of us. And you only get a few people that will drop everything to celebrate with you like your momma. And knowing it was her birthday caused it to sting a big more. So, I missed her today...

And I told God about it. I told Him it's not fair. I told Him that I was angry that He didn't heal her. And that she died. And I cried, like mean, ugly cried. (There are less than a handful of people that have seen me do this in person and not a whole lot more that I've ever admitted it to...just because it's not a usual response for me, and I'm not normally inclined to share when it is.) And then everything took a turn south. I told Him of my anger about being here all alone. I followed His voice and said no to relationships that most likely would have ended in marriage....only to be almost 38 and still single. He sent spouses to all of my close friends and they left. I've made new friends, but they have other, older, closer friends. He'd left me here all alone...I'm nobody's first thought in the morning, nobody's first call to share news. And I told Him I didn't appreciate it!

And God was, as He always is, a patient Father. He didn't leave. When I was done, He didn't scold me, He didn't punish me. He let me feel His arms wrapped around me. He calmed my spirit. He gently reminded me of the truth I've shared with others...that "fair" isn't what we really want..."fair" is punishment for our sins - eternal separation from God. He reminded me that He had given me to an amazing mother. He reminded me that we live in a fallen world, a world where sickness and disease are a reality...and that I'm beyond thankful she's not suffering or in pain anymore. He reminded me that He did heal Mom, just not in the way my heart desired. He reminded me that this life is "but a vapor" and I'm almost 38 -- quite possibly at the half of a vapor mark myself. In the grand scheme of eternity, we all only have a few seconds on this earth. He never promised us how long we'd have, but He promises to never leave us. And I know that He's never left me. Then He reminded me that if my mom were here & I was crying to her about all of these things, she would probably give me a "baby girl/little girl" combo. lol "It's OK, baby girl, you're gonna make it, you're strong and God will give you His strength." Followed by, "Now, listen here, little girl, it's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start being thankful for what God's blessed you with!"

And then I giggled, and my eyes leaked some thankful tears. Thankful for His great love for me. Thankful that He doesn't leave me, that He listens to me - yelling and all. Thankful that He's so patient with me. Thankful that I could imagine what my mom's response would be. Thankful that I am truly happy she's not in pain. Thankful that I know on the day I see Him face to face, I'll also see my sweet, feisty momma!

Death, where is your sting?!

The older I get, the more aware I am that there are so many times in life that it just stinks to be an adult.  Since the beginning of 2015, I have been reminded of this.  My parents had a couple that were their best friends for as long as I can remember…their friends went to our home church, they came to every birthday party, supported every mission trip I went on both in finances & cards, letters, etc., called on a regular basis “just to check up”.

In February, after she had recovered from a severe illness, he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and not given a good prognosis.  This is my father’s best friend.  And since my mom died, they’ve been even closer.  Since Dad can’t drive, he has picked him up for church & other meetings they go to together.  The hard part of being an adult?  When I explained for the 3rd time (traumatic brain injury) to my dad that the prognosis wasn’t good & my father looked at me with misty eyes and said “So you’re saying he’s dying?  I’m losing my best friend?”  And I replied “Unless God intervenes with supernatural healing, yes, he will die from this cancer”. 

Earlier this week, after she had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks, she didn’t survive this past illness.  So, tonight I will be going to my mom’s best friend’s visitation…and I will watch my dad try to console his best friend who has lost his wife and doesn’t seem to be winning his battle with cancer. 

Sometimes, life just stinks.  It just does.  But, I can choose joy and I will choose joy.  Though I will mourn with Terry, I will still choose joy.  How?  Because I know that Mary Ellen is worshiping at Jesus’ feet!  And I know that my mom and her best friend have been reunited!  And I know that one day, I’ll be with them too.  I will choose joy because I can proclaim 1 Corinthians 15:55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”!  So grateful for the Father’s love and Jesus’ obedience on the cross!! 

June 12th, My Momma, Carol & Heaven's gain

Well, it's June 12th. A date more commonly known at our house as "Momma's birthday". Sometimes it's hard to believe this is the second June 12th that she's not here with us. Other times, well, some days it seems like it's been soo long since I've seen her, given her a hug or heard her voice. My pastor told me once (regarding a different issue) that "time callouses all wounds". I think it's true, though. I mean, some hurts I don't know that we "heal" from, we don't necessarily "get over" them, but God helps us to make a new "normal" for ourselves. And, over time, those stings that we feel in this life just sting a little bit less.

I'm not saying I don't miss my momma. Don't get me wrong. I miss her a lot. But, I was blessed with parents and grandparents that were such good teachers, and they taught us that death is a natural part of life. And as sure as you're born, you will die. It happens. And for those of us still living, life has to go on. We can't just curl up in a ball and quit life, we have to keep going. And I know my mom wouldn't want me to crawl into a corner and quit. She told me as much herself! She also told me that she might be selfish, but she was secretly a little glad to know that I'd cry tears after she was gone. She wasn't glad she'd be leaving us, nor that we'd miss her so much & our hearts would hurt, but she was being honest. And honestly, who doesn't want to know that they're deeply missed because they were deeply loved?!

In other news tonight, I got a message a few hours ago that my friend Carol, who also battled ovarian cancer, finished her fight Saturday evening. I only knew her for 10 months, but in those 10 months, she became such a good friend. And a family member, as she's part of God's family! I will miss her too!

I have to be honest and say that I am grateful that both Momma & Carol are not suffering from their horrid disease any longer! And I'm jealous of them both - that they're in the presence of God right now!

I've studied the Bible my whole life. And after my grandparents died, I started studying what it says about Heaven a little closer. And when Mom got sick, I started studying even harder. Today....I still don't understand how things work in Heaven. I think I understand that we will know people from this life, and we will continue to meet new people. I don't think people in Heaven can see us down here as I don't know how that works with the "no tears" policy Heaven has. I fear that my loved ones there would be sad when they witness me screwing up and sinning yet again. I could be wrong...but that's my current conclusion. :)

I really do believe that we'll continue to make new friends, though. And I can almost see my mom and Carol meeting. They'll be able to share their victory stories of having won their battles with ovarian cancer. Yes, they did die and leave their Earthly bodies...but the beauty in that, they're completely healed now! No more cancer! God wins! And for that fact, I wouldn't wish for either of them to come back. As my pastor said at Mom's funeral "we wouldn't wish for her to come back from Heaven, because even if she had a perfectly healthy body, she would still have to die again one day".

So, yeah, I miss my momma. And I already miss my friend. But, it makes that song I grew up singing in church "Heaven's getting sweeter every day" seem all the more true. The more years I live on this Earth, the more treasures I have in Heaven!

For those of you who never knew my Mom...here's a pic of her on her 58th birthday!

My New Friend, Carol

So, the night before my birthday, I was a bit down. I was missing my mama a lot. Of all the previous birthdays I'd had, I had never spent one not with her. So yeah, I was missing her.

It was a Saturday night, which meant I was just leaving worship & prayer at the River of Life (my church body in Cisne). Another lady & I were getting ready to go to our cars when we heard someone yell "Hey, River of Life people, would one of you come over here?" Since Tina's daughter was having a sleepover & she had both little gals with her, I told her to go on home & I'd go over to speak with the lady. She asked if our church was affiliated with IHOP-KC (which we're not, but a lot of us go there often & stay plugged in), so this started a new friendship for me!

She told me that since she lived across the street from our meeting place, she'd been meaning to attend, but just hadn't felt like it. Then she asked if we would put her on our prayer list because of her cancer. I told her if she'd tell me how to open the gate, I'd do one better & pray with her right then. So I went up to where she was sitting on her front porch to go pray with her. I had this feeling within me, but I asked anyway "What kind of cancer do you have that we are praying against?" She answered "stage 4 ovarian cancer".

I already knew it just from looking at her, and the feeling within my spirit. And she confirmed it with that answer. I had a moment - it was really only a second or two - that felt like an eternity. The thoughts were racing through my mind "Really, God? You send me to this stranger's house to pray for her healing of ovarian cancer? Really? After we prayed for almost 3 years for my mom (the SAME cancer) and she didn't get healed on Earth? Really, God? Is this a joke?" All of that was within one second. The next thing I knew, I heard God answering "Yes, really. Your job is to pray and believe that I'm God and I'm going to complete My will. I'm not asking you to heal her, just pray for her. And remember that whatever the outcome, I'm with You just as I always have been". That's a lot of stuff, but it really did happen within a blink or two of the eye.

So, she sent me into her house to get oil, I anointed her head & we prayed. We prayed and prayed. God just came over the both of us as I laid hands upon her head and belly. God was SOO there in the midst! His presence was so strong! The Holy Spirit gave both of us such a sweet peace. So, after we prayed, she asked me to sit down and chat with her. I didn't have anywhere to be since it was 9:30 on a Saturday night, so I did. We talked & talked - basically sharing each other's life stories! She asked why I seemed so familiar with ovarian cancer, so I told her about my mom. I felt kinda bad, like "yeah, we prayed for my mom too and she's dead now, but I'm gonna keep praying for you too". That's the awesome thing that God reminded me, though. He doesn't ask me to go around healing people. He asks me to pray for them. Healing is His job, which He pours out as He sees fit. As Misty Edwards said "At the end of the day, some people get healed, some people don't. God is sovereign and gets to choose, we just have to deal with it."

Carol & I sat there talking on her front porch until 12:30AM - meaning it was my birthday! We are such kindred spirits. Just our experiences in life, the way the Lord has shown Himself to us, the paths He's taken us on. We were instant friends. She's a little older than my mom. And as I got into my car to drive home, I realized it was my birthday....and that meeting Carol was a gift God had given me. I still missed my mama, but the ache wasn't so strong. God had reminded me that He never leaves us nor forsakes us...He is our Provider. And, He's a good, good God who loves to bless His children!

Over the past couple of months, Carol's cancer came out of remission. So she's back to doing chemo and such. I just talked to her this afternoon and, bless her heart, she's so weak, so can only talk on the phone for a few minutes. Her lungs keep filling up with fluid (ovarian cancer cells produces ascites - fluid). She's going Monday to have a chest tube put in to drain the fluid on the lung. She also said they're bringing in a hospital bed to help her with getting up and down, and she's not allowed to stay by herself because she's so weak and short of breath.

Please pray for Carol. She reminds me of my mama in that she has such a strong faith in the Lord. She knows - and is at peace with knowing - that at any moment, God could choose to heal her body, or take her home, whichever is within His plan. I will continue to pray for her until God heals her, because that's what He's asked of me. The way He chooses to heal her is up to Him, but I know what my job is. Please pray with me for, not only her healing, but for strength, comfort and peace. Thanks!!

She's entered Heaven now...

I realize it's been a while since I've written anything. On Friday, November 27, 2009, my mother - Gladys Faye (Meredith) Weaver - passed from this life into eternity at 4:40 pm. The day before she passed was not only Thanksgiving, but it was also my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary.

On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.

On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.

I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.

Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.

We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!

The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!

Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!

Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!

Hospice...

We brought Mom home on Hospice last Monday (11/16). They increased her morphine by doubling her hourly base rate and also increased the number of breakthrough hits she could get. It took a few days for her body to adjust to the increased rate, so she mostly slept until Friday night/Saturday morning. There have been less than a handful of times that she's voiced her pain rate being above a 5 since the increase...and that's amazing considering the past 3-4 weeks, I've heard her answer 9, 10, 10+ and even one time, she told them her pain level was a 30. I'm sooo thankful for morphine to give her relief from the pain. The vomiting, however, has not slowed any. Anything that she swallows comes back up. The nurse has told me that as long as Mom is still taking in liquids & having some output, that stage could maintain for weeks & weeks. Friday night, Mom became more alert and stayed that way through Monday night. She's SOO thirsty....it's been 3-4 weeks of nonstop vomiting now. So, she asks for a drink....you say Mom, why don't we try ice chips or sips? No, she wants a drink, so you give her a drink knowing that it's going to come right back up within seconds to minutes.

It's so hard to watch someone that you love so much suffer like that, but my mom....my mom is amazing. A week & a half ago, God gave me a special gift! Daddy was asleep & I had told Mom I was going to bed, so she didn't know I had walked back into her room. She was in the middle of retching all that was within her and God let me hear her pray to Him. Oh, I can never describe the preciousness of that moment! I overheard my mom say "God, I don't know why I'm so sick. I know that You said Jesus' blood paid for my healing. And I know that You could choose to take all of this cancer any minute. I don't know why You haven't chosen to heal me. But I want You to know that I love You & I trust You that You have a plan & know what is best. OK, I just wanted to tell You that" :) :) I've never had more of a "I want to be just like my momma" moment!! Oh what faith!

No doctors or nurses have told us how long they think Mom will be with us, which is fine because I probably wouldn't put much stock in any time limits they give -- she's outlived too many of them already! I do believe if God does not choose a miraculous healing on Earth (well, miraculous to us at least), it won't be long. There are just certain biological truths that I've lived through with both grandparents and other family & friends. Eventually, if no other systems shut down, Mom will quit requesting drinks & taking in fluids. Then for a while, sometimes up to 16+ days, her body will pull all of the fluids from her cells causing her to eventually dehydrate to death.

Mom has been mostly sleeping since Monday night, when I gave her a nausea/anxiety pill before bed. I'm praying that I made the right decision in giving her that pill. She was just so agitated that the nurse & I wanted her to be able to rest. When she hasn't really woken up much for the past 24 hours, I have those moments of "oh, you've done it now!" I had that sadness of "what if she doesn't wake up again? what if I don't get to have another coherent conversation with her?" And though the thoughts of those things make me sad, it's OK. According to all of her doctors, my mother's cancer was advanced enough when they found it, that she's been "miraculously living" for more than 2 years now! That means I've had 2 more years than Satan intended for me to be able to tell my mom how much I love her, admire her, look up to her and respect her. I've had 2 more years to hear her tell me that she loves me. I've had extra time just to share my heart with my mom...time that Satan intended to steal, but God didn't let him! Oh what a good God we serve!!

I realized Sunday that this Thursday is Thanksgiving. I was thinking over past Thanksgivings...most with my family, but some spent across the nation & across the world. Many times over, I've realized being thankful is a matter of choosing a perspective of looking at things. I was thinking today how many deaths and illnesses in my family, as well as just plain hard times, have fallen near Thanksgiving. And to my flesh, those times stink! I could choose to be bitter & say that I have no reason to give thanks. But I know that is nowhere near true! I remember last year Thanksgiving week at church, my pastor asked us to voice what we were thankful for. Everyone was giving answers aloud, except me. I kept sitting there thinking "Dummy, you should be saying you're thankful your mom is alive!" Yet, the answer that came out of my mouth was "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I was without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me." I am so thankful for the family, friends & family-friends that God has placed in my life! I am thankful for the wonderful example of following Christ my parents & grandparents have given me! I am thankful for so many things, yet my answer from last year still rings out. I am above all else thankful that my God is faithful to His promises...He has been our Provider, our Comforter, our Healer, our Savior, our Strength, our Peace, our everything! If we had nothing else for which to be thankful, it is more than enough that our God always is who He says He will be!

When there's no more chemotherapy....

Mom had her last chemo treatment 3 weeks ago. She didn't get the full treatment because she had a bad allergic reaction and went into shock. The oncologist said we'd have to discuss other drug options at our next appointment (Nov 4th). The week after the treatment, Mom started having a horrible time with vomiting. She got IV fluids a few days and that seemed to help for a few hours, then she would be sick again. Mom got worse with her vomiting on Monday, so we saw the oncologist Monday night. He told us then that Mom's cancer is growing and there are no more chemotherapy options. I think we kinda knew that already, but when you hear it confirmed by the doctor, it's still a kick in the gut.

Mom had a CT scan done last Friday and when they looked at that, they saw fluid on her left lung. So Tuesday morning, she had a thoracentesis done and they drained about a liter of fluid off, so she's breathing a lot better now. They also noted on the scan that she has a hernia near her ileostomy site. The doctors think that could be the cause of her vomiting since they don't really see any tumors pushing on her stomach or bowel. The surgeon told us Tuesday that it was completely up to Mom whether or not she wanted to have the hernia repaired, and we have no guarantee that doing the surgery will stop the vomiting. She decided that it's worth it to have the surgery done. Actually her words were "well, if I only live a week or two after the surgery, if it can possibly keep me from vomiting for my last week or two, it'll be worth it."

So, we have an appointment with the surgeon tonight (Thursday) and if he still thinks the surgery is an option, she will most likely be having surgery done on Friday and at least a day or two stay in the hospital afterwards. We are aware this won't make her cancer go away, but if it improves her quality of life at all, in my opinion at least, it's worth it. She has been losing 5-8 pounds a week on average, and she's losing it by not keeping food down. It's hard enough watching her go through it, I'm sure it has to be harder to be the one living it.

The oncologist said that if the vomiting doesn't stop, she might have 2 months left. If the surgery stops the vomiting, she will have longer. Now, I know quite a bit about biology and medicine. I know that cancer kills. I know that when it keeps growing and can't be killed off by chemo drugs, it will eventually kill the person. I know this, and I'm sure you do too. But, I know something else that many of you know. God is soo much bigger than all of this. So, until Mom is healed, I'm going to continue to petition and intercede on her behalf for her healing. I'm standing on the promises that her healing has been bought. That "by His stripes we are healed". God is not man that He can lie. And if He says that He is Jehovah Rapha, then I'm believing Him and holding Him to His Word (which He never fails to keep). My mother will be healed, of this I have no doubt. The part I don't know is whether it will be this side of life or when she enters eternity. But I do know that one of those times, she WILL be healed. So until she draws her final breath in this life, I will be praying for her healing!

Please remember her during the surgery and in the time to come. Her spirits are still very high and her sense of humor is wonderful...she's a lot like both of her parents, so I suspect those 2 things will remain with her until the very end. God has so amazingly kept His promise to never leave us or forsake us, and I'm so thankful that He's been reminding us of that moment by moment, that He's here in the midst of it all! So thank you all so much for praying, it's sooo incredibly appreciated. We have definitely felt lifted up by them!

I'll post more when I have more news to share!

April 29th appointment

Thanks SO much for your prayers! Here's what happened today when we went to Mom's oncologist.

As you know, Mom's CA 125 level went up last month while still taking Doxil (chemo drug). She had a CT scan of the abdomen done on 4/22. We weren't strong enough to not look at the results early, so we peeked Tuesday afternoon. So we went into the appointment today knowing that Mom had 2-3 nodules on her liver. This made Tuesday a really looong evening.

We went into the appointment with heavy hearts. Dr. Dy said that yes, he believes the nodules on the liver are cancer. He said that means the Doxil is not working anymore. Then he said "but we have lots of other options". So he started her on a new chemo drug along with a drug that stops blood flow into cancer cells. So he said the 2nd drug should double if not triple the effectiveness of her chemotherapy. And he is very optimistic that she will respond very well with this treatment! Obviously finding that the cancer has spread was not the best news, but we are very thankful that there are other treatment options and thankful for God's peace throughout the month-long wait. Thank you so much for your prayers. We felt them and wouldn't have made it without them. Thank you again so much!

Waiting...

Here's what happened with Mom's CT scan last week. We went to the hospital to get the test done only to find that Mom had left her orders at home. She had them call Dr. Dy's office to give a verbal order and he wouldn't. He said he wanted to give her 4/1 chemo treatment longer to work. So, she will be getting the scan done on 4/21 (next Tuesday).

Now, in the past, Mom has gone in and asked to see a copy of her report. (FYI, this is legal because they are YOUR medical records - they can't deny you seeing them.) However, she has a 4/29 appointment w/Dr Dy. So she's going to wait until that appointment to find out the results. I think this is for that 'just in case they're bad' scenario. There's really no point in finding out the results before the appointment with him, then worrying over what he'll decide.

So I won't have any news on the treatment-front until after the 4/29 appointment.

Dreaded call from the oncologist....

Today, April 3rd, the oncologist's office called. Mom had chemo Wed, April 1st. At that appointment, they did her CA 125 (ovarian cancer marker). They called today with the reuslts....the numbers are still rising, even though she is taking chemo. The doctor said he's going to wait until Mom has her CT scan done to decide the next step. Her CT scan had originally been scheduled for April 22, but we called today to move it up to April 7. So it will most likely be the middle of April before we know anything.

I don't know what the doctor will say, but I have a few ideas of his options. Right now, Mom is on 3/5 a dose of chemo (due to her weakness in the beginning of this course of treatment). He may decide to give her the full dose and see if it is more effective. From what I've read, sometimes they decide radiation is beneficial (although our dr has never mentioned this). There's always the chance that the bloodwork was a fluke, but it had risen a few points last month as well, so my heart tells me that is not likely. If the CT scan shows that the cancer has spread to organs, such as liver, kidneys, pancreas, etc., the most likely option will be comfort measures through the Hospice program.

As I type the word Hospice, my heart sobs. It's not as if this hasn't been a possibility for a while. It's not as if Mom hasn't been miraculously surviving everything they said she wouldn't. It's not as though I haven't prepared myself many times in the past 2 years for the end of this horrid disease. It's not that I don't have faith that God knows what He's doing, He's God...He knows the beginning from the end. It's not that I feel as though I've been abandoned or forsaken by God because His presence has been ever-near throughout this entire time. It's not that I somehow think He's doing wrong by my mom....He loves her more than I ever could.

So why is my heart sobbing? Sadness....sadness at the thought of losing my mom at a younger-than-normal age. Losing my best friend, my confidant, the person who probably loves me the most in the entire world besides God. Sadness at thinking that she won't be there for me to talk to when things are tough, or good for that matter.

Yes, it's sad. But, my sadness at this time is almost on the side of silliness. We won't know the results of Mom's CT scan for probably another week. She could be miraculously healed by that time. Or I may be in a car wreck. Or...North Korea & the US could launch their missiles and we might find ourselves in the middle of a nuclear war. There's no telling what life will be like a week from now.

So for the time being, I'm going to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the awesome relationship I have with my mom. Thankful for the time I've had with her, and still do! Thankful that God is keeping His promise to never leave nor forsake me. Thankful...just because my heart is thankful to Him at this moment!

When the time comes that my mom is not on Earth with me, I will have plenty of time to grieve. But right now, I want whatever time we have left together to be awesome! I've been told that because of this sentiment, I am in denial. I really am not, I'm just choosing to believe Jesus when He said that each day has enough trouble of its own and not to worry about tomorrow.

I will write again after we get the results and talk to the doctor. Please keep Mom in your prayers. We have felt them sustaining us and are so thankful!!!

Unfair portion of life....

Sometimes, it seems as though life hits much harder than absolutely necessary. This has been one of those times.

This past week, my mother's brother passed away, my dad's medications have become out-of-whack and my mother's cancer has come out of remission. When life slows down, I'm pretty sure that I will have a good cry about all of it, but right now, it doesn't seem possible.

My mom's brother, Jack, died Monday (7/14) morning. In the afternoon, we had an appointment with Mom's oncologist because she's been having some all-too-familiar belly pain. Sure enough, he confirmed that Mom's cancer levels have jumped to 75, which means she is not in remission and the cancer is growing again.

We asked him to be completely honest and he said "OK, here it is: Ovarian cancer is strange in that the 1st time your cancer goes into remission is always the longest remission you will have. Each subsequent remission will be shorter than the one before it. So the 2nd will be shorter than the 1st, the 3rd will be shorter than the 2nd and so on." I think I have read that somewhere since it sounded familiar. I must have blocked it, though, because Mom's only actually been in remission for about 7 months. So yeah, if you do the math....it's not good at all.

You know those times that you don't think life is fair....this is definitely one of those times. I am definitely coveting your prayers for my mother and our family. We plan to have a healing service for her soon -- we just have to get back from this funeral to plan it. We also meet with Mom's oncologist Monday for some more test results and to set up her chemo schedule. So I will write more soon.

Remission!

On Tuesday, November 13th, I took Mom to Dr. Dy (her oncologist) for her 12th chemo treatment. He said that her CA 125 (cancer marker) is down to 18, which means it is below the normal of 34. He also said that since she has completed 2 rounds of chemo, she is done (at least for now)! He said that her scans show no re-growth of any cancer and since the markers are down, he's calling her in remission. Actually, what he told us was "oh, did I not tell you? You've technically been in remission for a few weeks now." It was still very good news!!

We will continue to see him, most likely on a monthly basis. And she will have the blood test, the CT scans and exams done every 1-3 months. Because remission and cancer-free are not the same thing, we have to monitor this closely.

Thank you all for your prayers, calls, letters and thoughts. We're very aware of the fact that God has had His hand on this from the very beginning. We're also aware that her cancer is aggressive and could come back on us quickly and she's also extremely worn out and experiencing a few long-term side effects from the chemo. So if you could continue to remember her in prayer, we'd greatly appreciate it! Thanks again!

Blessings upon blessings....

This has been a busy week! Monday, I took Mom to a new orthopaedic, this time in Vincennes. This is the clinic that I frequented for my knee problems/surgery for many, many years. My grandma (who had degenerative joint disease) also frequented this clinic, and she was actually a patient of the doctor Mom saw. Anyway.....we walked in fairly skeptical. The last ortho we saw told Mom that her shoulders had severe deteriorative arthritis and "Mrs. Weaver, you know, you have cancer and probably will die....you should just see if your oncologist will prescribe stronger pain medicine". Needless to say, that was the last time we visited him. The doctor in Vincennes said that Mom only has minimal arthritis and a lot of tendonitis. He said that he will do steroid injections in each shoulder every 6-8 weeks to relieve her pain. He injected the right one Monday and now she's able to move her arm above her head (she hasn't done that for months)!

On Tuesday, we went to the oncologist for Mom's 11th chemo treatment. The doctor told us that Mom's cancer marker dropped from 23 to 17. He was so excited (and we were a little bit too haha)! He said that if everything is still good in 3 weeks, the Nov. 13th treatment should be the last chemo treatment for a while. And, she might even be able to go back to work full-time after the first of the year! Praise the Lord for His blessings!

Thank you all for your continued prayers through all of this!

CT scans and humor...

So, Mom had her latest CT scan done this week. She signed the release & went in to read the report (before it was sent to the doctor). Then she called to let me know what it said. The report read that everything looked normal, except her lung that has been partially collapsed for quite some time. The interesting part was that, according to the report, her uterus looked normal. What makes that so interesting, you ask? Well, she had a radical hysterectomy done on Feb. 28, meaning she has no uterus. This caused us a little stress because we thought they might be seeing a tumor that was that large. Come to find out...it was just a mistake on the doctor's dictation.

Here's a little insight into the mind of my mother, though. When she was around 19 years old, she had her appendix removed. When she had surgery on Feb. 28th, we were charged for an appendectomy. So, my mother says "I have figured it out. The doc had to remove my appendix for the 2nd time in my life. And now my uterus looks normal on the CT scan. I understand it now.....every time they take out one of my parts, it just regenerates. I'm going to live forever and never die since all my parts keep growing back!" haha Have I told you that I love my mom and her sense of humor through all of this?!

Oct 1 oncologist visit....

Today, Oct 1, Mom & I went to see Dr. Dy, Mom's oncologist. By the way, his name is pronounced "D", not "die". lol We get a lot of confused looks & questions! haha

Anyway, we went this morning for Mom's chemo. We had concerns to talk over with the doctor. Concerns such as the spot on the liver and lung that one radiologist thought he saw. And, the fact that Mom gained 7 pounds in one week and her abdomen was extremely hard and swollen (much like it was with the initial cancer fluid build-up).

Well, I know that many of you were and are praying...and I want to THANK YOU! He said that he really doesn't believe there's any cancer on her liver or lung because her cancer marker numbers are not increasing at all. Normally when ovarian cancer spreads and makes fluid, the cancer levels sky rocket! He also said that he believes the fluid is building up on Mom as a side effect from the chemotherapy drug she is on. He wants to make sure, though, so 2 weeks from today she will be having pelvic and abdominal CT scans done.

I have to tell you, though, Dr. Dy is a highly excitable doctor. With my mom having been a nurse for so long, medical emergencies aren't usually emergencies in my family. lol So, Dr. Dy is normally WAY more excited than we are. So when he just brushed it all off and said it wasn't anything to worry about, it makes it very easy to believe. I have a feeling I will feel more settled once we see the CT scan results, but after listening to the doctor, it does make sense that her numbers would have jumped up.

So, again, thank you so much for the prayers! We definitely felt them and know that they were heard & answered!

Thoughts in my head......

So, it's been a rough couple of weeks.

We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.

I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?

I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.

And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!

Mom's shoulders...

On Thursday, August 30, I took Mom to the orthopaedics's office for him to look at her shoulders. The MRI's had shown that the problem is NOT her rotator cuffs. The problem is that she has some pretty bad arthritis in the shoulders. Also, as a side effect from her chemotherapy, she has large amounts of fluid that have build up in the shoulder joints. The doctor injected some anti-inflammatory steroids in both shoulders. She nearly jumped off the table and bit off her own finger when he injected the right shoulder (the one that has been bothering her the most). She said the left one didn't hurt nearly as bad. The doctor said it would take a couple of days to fully take effect. It's been over 24 hours now and she says that her pain level is going down. She is able to lie down on her side without her arms killing her for the first time in a few months!

The doc said it's mostly a side effect of the chemo. Just another reason that I really hate cancer! And I hate Satan. If he hadn't tempted Adam and Eve, we wouldn't be living in a fallen world. Plus, he's just not a good guy. I love Jesus, though! And I know that God is WAY more powerful than Satan and God can bring Mom through this. She looked at me tonight, while we were sitting in the yard swing tonight, and said "I don't know why, but I really have a feeling that I'm going to beat this cancer stuff and it's not going to end up a big deal". I know that Mom has the peace of God residing in her heart, and I am so thankful for that! I'm also thankful that she decided to share that with me tonight...I was really needing to hear that. She's such an awesome person!

Wode Mama (My Mother)

Here's the latest news on my mama.

We went to the oncologist on Monday (August 20th) for her 8th chemo treatment. The oncologist told us that her CA 125 (cancer marker) is at 23. Normal is 34 and under, but he isn't considering her to be in remission until her numbers are 10 or below. She has 4 more chemo treatments to finish out this round. Overall, the oncologist has been really impressed with Mom's progress! Tuesday (August 21st), we went to the surgeon (who removed her cancer back in February) for a physical checkup. He said that the exam he completed agreed with the CT scan findings and her cancer levels...he feels no new bumps, lumps or anything!

She will be going in for tests on Thursday (August 23rd) on her shoulders. She's been having tremendous amounts of pain in her shoulders since she started chemo. They had originally thought it was the medicine they give to make her white count increase. But, she hasn't had any of that medicine for 6 weeks and the pain is still there. The doctors think that she might have torn rotator cuffs. We should get the results of the MRI and bone scans by the end of next week. Please keep that in your prayers!

Mom is scheduled to go back to work on Monday, the 27th. She has a ton of restrictions and can only work up to 4 hours a day, but she's still excited. We're thinking it will be good for her to get out of the house and into a little more of a routine. Well, that's about all I know, I'll update again when we get her shoulder test results back!

Update on Mom

I've had lots of emails, and I apologize for not emailing individually...so, here's the latest on Mom. We went back to the oncologist on Monday, July 30th to begin the 2nd round of 6 more chemo treatments. This should have her ending somewhere around the middle of November. The doctor told us that Mom is in the category of women who should benefit from the extra 6 treatments. We will go back on August 20th for the next treatment & see what the doc says!