He's Always There and He Always Loves

Today would have been my mom's 67th birthday. My flesh wants to scream how it's entirely unfair that I didn't get to celebrate any birthdays with her past her 59th. Then my mind logically reminds me that many people don't even get to spend 30 birthdays with one or both parents. And a lot of people aren't close to their parents or don't get along with them well. And I was very fortunate to be very close to and get along amazingly with my mom. As I transitioned from childhood to adulthood, she became my best friend. She was the person I talked to every day (or almost) because I wanted to (not like many people's "dutiful" calls to parents). She was my earthy rock, my anchor, my sounding board.

Oh, don't get me wrong....she was my mom first and foremost, until the end. Even when I was her caregiver, she would let me know if she thought I was getting too big for my britches and needed to be knocked down a level or two...she had no qualms going full mom-mode to let me know. Now when I catch myself behaving in a manner or pulling an attitude she wouldn't have approved, I can hear her voice, "Listen here, little girl...." When my mom called us "baby girl", it was always out of sweetness - something nice was to follow. But when she called us "little girl"...well, let's just say it had an edge to it. And you probably weren't going to enjoy what followed. lol But I know it was out of her love for me, her desire to see me become who God intended me to be. She loved me too much to let me start down or stay on a wrong path.

Today, I got good news. And, like every time I get good news, the first person I wanted to share the news with was my mom. Oh, I called and messaged a few people. But almost all were super busy, life is hectic for all of us. And you only get a few people that will drop everything to celebrate with you like your momma. And knowing it was her birthday caused it to sting a big more. So, I missed her today...

And I told God about it. I told Him it's not fair. I told Him that I was angry that He didn't heal her. And that she died. And I cried, like mean, ugly cried. (There are less than a handful of people that have seen me do this in person and not a whole lot more that I've ever admitted it to...just because it's not a usual response for me, and I'm not normally inclined to share when it is.) And then everything took a turn south. I told Him of my anger about being here all alone. I followed His voice and said no to relationships that most likely would have ended in marriage....only to be almost 38 and still single. He sent spouses to all of my close friends and they left. I've made new friends, but they have other, older, closer friends. He'd left me here all alone...I'm nobody's first thought in the morning, nobody's first call to share news. And I told Him I didn't appreciate it!

And God was, as He always is, a patient Father. He didn't leave. When I was done, He didn't scold me, He didn't punish me. He let me feel His arms wrapped around me. He calmed my spirit. He gently reminded me of the truth I've shared with others...that "fair" isn't what we really want..."fair" is punishment for our sins - eternal separation from God. He reminded me that He had given me to an amazing mother. He reminded me that we live in a fallen world, a world where sickness and disease are a reality...and that I'm beyond thankful she's not suffering or in pain anymore. He reminded me that He did heal Mom, just not in the way my heart desired. He reminded me that this life is "but a vapor" and I'm almost 38 -- quite possibly at the half of a vapor mark myself. In the grand scheme of eternity, we all only have a few seconds on this earth. He never promised us how long we'd have, but He promises to never leave us. And I know that He's never left me. Then He reminded me that if my mom were here & I was crying to her about all of these things, she would probably give me a "baby girl/little girl" combo. lol "It's OK, baby girl, you're gonna make it, you're strong and God will give you His strength." Followed by, "Now, listen here, little girl, it's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start being thankful for what God's blessed you with!"

And then I giggled, and my eyes leaked some thankful tears. Thankful for His great love for me. Thankful that He doesn't leave me, that He listens to me - yelling and all. Thankful that He's so patient with me. Thankful that I could imagine what my mom's response would be. Thankful that I am truly happy she's not in pain. Thankful that I know on the day I see Him face to face, I'll also see my sweet, feisty momma!

Grandma

This lady! Oh, how I wish I had more years with her. But, I am fully aware how blessed I was to live next door to or with her for all of the 19 years I got to be loved by her on Earth. She wasn't perfect. Nope, she wasn't. But she didn't claim to be either. Oh how she loved with her all! She was a McGrew...which leads many to understand she could have a temper. lol She and Grandpa would argue, oh my, over the tiniest thing. (Sometimes, as any couple married 62 years would, they legitimately argued...other times, well Grandpa was a Meredith and some of them have been known to torment for entertainment's sake. Ha!) And she NEVER forgot what the argument was about, because this woman with a 6th grade education could remember EVERYTHING! I personally witnessed several times that family members or friends would show up on the doorstep to ask Grandma to settle an argument based on happening 50 years prior. And by the time they left, all parties had concluded that Grandma was exactly right, remembering every last detail. And, before they left, they were usually filled with some kind of delicious food! I still suspect her siblings and in-laws came to "settle an argument" close to meal-time on purpose. And why wouldn't they? She was legitimately one of the best cooks EVER. I know a lot of people think that about their grandmothers...but many of those people are wrong. :) Seriously, I watched this woman cook meals for 10-25 people with NO recipes, MULTIPLE dishes AND she could time them to all be done at just the right time. Also, I know she did this her entire married life on a very tight budget...but no one left Helen Meredith's house hungry...or even having room enough for a tiny piece of candy!

I know that living in her house makes it easier for me to remember her, but honestly, I don't think it matters where I am...I'm pretty sure I'll always remember her on a regular basis. My grandparents were such a second set of parents to me, I know and am thankful that a lot of who I am today is because of them. She either taught or helped teach me how to cook, how to can veggies & fruits, how to sew, how to pay attention to little details, how to love people and always be hospitable. But most importantly, she taught me how to love the Lord. I am a worshiper...it's the way God made me. And, though she couldn't carry a tune to save her life, Grandma was a worshiper too. Oh so many Sundays of sitting next to Grandma covering my ears or glaring her direction because she couldn't find the note to sing. And she would (sometimes a bit shortly) remind me that Jesus loved the sound of her voice...and that's all that matters! (Though when I was feeling feisty, I'd remind her that she was singing in my ears...a sound that wasn't joyful to me! lol) I'm pretty sure that she's finally able to harmonize with my mom...and I have this feeling they're singing His praises, worshiping at His feet right now. (True worship is obedience, not just singing. But we will worship the Lord by singing His praises in Heaven...and even Grandma hoped she would get a better voice!)

In 100 years, there won't be anyone on Earth who remembers Helen Meredith personally. And since by worldly standards, she never did anything super impressive, there may not even be many who remember her in stories. But I know that she loved God, her family, her church family and her neighbor well. And I know that she spent so many hours before the Lord, lifting up the needs and hearts of so many who never even knew she was praying. But God knows, and He remembers. And He'll remember it in 100 years, 1000 years, 10,000 years...He will never forget how precious she is to His heart. And I know that I will never forget how thankful I am that God gave me Helen Irene (born as Olive Modine, but that's a different story lol) McGrew Meredith for a grandmother.

Olympics & Memories

I'm not an athlete, but I love watching the Olympics! The first Olympics I remember were the '84 winter Olympics. My mom always loved ice skating & I remember watching Scott Hamilton win the gold. And I loved it! But, my favorites in '84 were the summer games! I loved watching Mary Lou Retton, Greg Louganis and Jackie Joyner Kersee.

My all-time favorite, though, was Florence Griffith Joyner!! I LOVED to run when I was a little kid, partly because I was always in a hurry, but also because the only time I didn't have to wear my corrective shoes was when I was running. Originally, I wasn't given that privilege, however, I managed to wear the soles out of those expensive shoes too quickly! lol And the doctors said running was good for my hips and feet once I had quit walking on the outside of my ankles. So I'd shed those metal lined ugly shoes for cool tennis shoes and take off! That was before the summer of steroids and house arrest (awful allergies). I could run faster than a lot of kids could ride their bikes. In fact, I can remember my parents riding their bikes, Michelle on the back of Mom's bike, and me running ahead of them down the road. And I would always beg whoever was nearby to time me. I wasn't usually racing against anyone but myself. I'm still quite a bit that way. Oh, I don't mind competition with others and I do like to win...but since I was a little kid, I've always competed with myself. I always want to be better and do better than the time before.

Back to the summer of 1984... I can clearly remember my life goals. My 2 big dreams that summer were to marry Dr. Naney :) and run like Flo-Jo in the Olympics! I even grew my nails out as long as I could so they'd look like Flo-Jo's (until a game of tag in 1st grade took an unfortunate turn and I drew blood by tagging someone's arm lol). Dr. Naney (who was no spring chicken when I was 5 haha) has since passed on and any chance of being an Olympic athlete passed quite a while before then, so I suppose it's a good thing Jesus helped me make new goals. :) I know that I'll never forget watching those games in our hot mobile home with my momma and my need to chant U-S-A every time our favorites were on the screen!

Whose are you?

As I was reading through an old journal, I ran across this gem “The important question is not WHO you are, but WHOSE you are”.  A few months ago in Walmart, this 90+-year-old lady that was stooped over her cart kept staring at me.  I asked her if she needed help reaching something. (Now I’m not tall, but since she seemed not to be 5 ft, I figured odds were better I could reach something!)  She said “Oh, no, sorry, I didn't need anything.  But I have to ask you, are you related to Helen Meredith?”  I was a little surprised by the question, but replied “Yes, she was my grandmother”.  She said “I knew it!  You look so much like her!  So, is your mom Linda or Gladys?  You look like them.”  I told her that Gladys was my mom.  She smiled and went on to tell me that she thought they were both very sweet and nice people.  I agreed. :) And then she went on her way.

I smiled, did the rest of my shopping, smiling while checking out and driving home.  My mom and my grandma were 2 of my most favorite people on Earth!  I realized, though, this lady never asked my name & I shamefully didn't ask hers).  So it hit me that she doesn't know WHO I am, but she knows WHOSE I am.  

This relates to our spiritual life.  The most important questions - “WHOSE am I?  Who do I belong to?”  In order to know my identity, I have to know who I belong to.  Yes, I am a person who stumbles & fails more often than I wish to admit.  But I belong to the Most High King!  I have been bought by the blood of the slain Lamb!!  Jesus says “She is Mine!  I paid the price for her, she has given her life to me.  She is Mine!”  As believers, we are called to be “in” this world, but not “of” it.  

I will never tire of being told I resemble Mom & Grandma, or that I act/sound like Mom & Grandpa because of how much I loved them.  But, how much more awesome is it when someone says “Are you a Christian?  I see Jesus in you.  Your actions are so much like His and your words sound like His.”?!  We are called to “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”!  We can’t let our light shine, though, until we know WHOSE we are.  

So, WHOSE are you?  Who do you belong to?  If you don’t belong to Jesus…I can promise you that He WANTS you to belong to Him!  Tomorrow (Good Friday) is the day we remember how much He loves us & wants us to be His – He went to the cross to die a cruel death for our sins.  THAT is love!!  THAT is the action of someone who wants you to be His!!  I will be eternally grateful that I can rest in the knowledge that I am Beloved’s and He is mine!

Jesus Lessons from a Toddler

I haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time with my nephew lately due to busy schedules.  When I do see him, I stretch my arms out as wide as I can reach and say “Aunt Mere loves you THIIIISSSS much!”, or here lately since he’s a little older, I will ask him “How much does Aunt Mere love you?”  And since he was an infant, I have sang him his special made-up song (to the tune of Buffalo Gals) “Ryan is my favorite boy (x3), he’s Aunt Mere’s favorite boy”.   One day this week I picked up my nephew from daycare to take him home.  He was all excited to see Aunt Mere and hugged my neck tightly as I carried him to the car.  As I was buckling him into his car seat, I said “Hey, Ryan, I have a question for you.”  Before I could finish my statement and begin to ask my question, he stretched out his arms & says “TIISS much!” with a big grin on his face!  I told him he was right, I do love him that much!  Then while we were driving down the street, I looked into the rear-view mirror to find Ryan looking at me.  I said “Hey, Ryan, who’s Aunt Mere’s favorite boy?”  He smiled really big into the mirror & said “RYAN!!”

I realized that Ryan, as a 2 ½-year-old, has heard that Aunt Mere loves him “thiiiissss much” so many times that he doesn’t have any need to question it.  And he hasn’t just heard it, I do my best to show him that I love him.  And he’s heard since before he could speak that he is my favorite boy in the whole entire world, so he has no reason to doubt that he’s my favorite.

This is how it is with God.  I can boldly say that I’m His favorite one, His chosen one, His beloved because He’s told me so frequently of His great love for me.  Now, yes, He’s God, so He can have more than one favorite…that’s how God works.  But I’m important to Him.  He tells me this in His Word.  I hear His voice in times of prayer and worship.  He died on the cross for ME!  That’s how important I am to Him, He laid down His life for me!

So, I will take my cue from Ryan.  The next time someone asks me how I know I’m not being presumptuous of God’s love for me, or arrogant for singing that I’m “His favorite one”, I’ll just let them know it’s because He’s told me so many times and showed me in so many ways that I cannot believe anything to the contrary!

Whew! Another holiday season is over...

The holiday season has now passed! Whew! It's almost as though I'm hearing a collective sigh throughout the region! haha I know that I'm not alone when I say that this holiday season seemed to be the longest, most exhausting. I've had well-meaning people tell me that it's because Mom wasn't here, but that's honestly not it. I can't pinpoint it, but other people have shared this comment...and they haven't lost loved ones. It was just a long and stressful season.

I'm pretty sure I know what the problem was for me. I fell back into trying to please people. I found myself more than once (or twice or 20 times) thinking "will this make so & so happy? will he/she be angry if I don't do this? I hope I don't disappoint anybody!" Ahh, there's the root of it! People-pleasing is all about not wanting to disappoint others. And while I'm not advocating that we purposefully disappoint people...I know that I need to remember that there's only One whose opinion and approval of me counts! I think that's why the season was so long for me...I forgot to ask Jesus what would make Him pleased with me. I genuinely love people and want to see them happy, but I let my priorities get out of whack!

Now I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. They are almost always goals that are way too stinkin' high and unattainable. And that's what makes us become discouraged so quickly that we just give up rather than keep trying. So I'm not planning any resolutions for New Year's. I am, though, working to re-train my focus again.

I need for my focus to not be on myself or even others during this season. I feel that this is a season in which God is really calling me unto Himself. No, this doesn't mean I can quit taking care of my dad or stop talking to people altogether. What it does mean, though, is that I need to work on my priorities. If He's not my #1 priority, nothing else will be right. He has to be the foundation. Anything that's built on an unstable or cracked foundation will surely be destroyed. So no matter how many wonderful things I may do - even in His name, will crumble if He's not the foundation. So that's what I'm striving for...to put God first and foremost in a way I've not done yet. Not so much a New Year's resolution, but a daily (and sometimes momentary) resolution. And really, when I remember how much He loves me, how much He desires to spend time with me, to impart to me what He's feeling and what He's thinking....it makes it so much easier to remember to spend time with Him!

That time again...

Yep, it's that time again. It's getting close to my birthday. On Sunday, I shall become 31-year-old! As per norm, I take my birthday as a time to reflect upon my life, the paths I've taken, decisions made, changes in circumstances and my growth in God.

This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.

I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.

OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!

So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.

Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!

Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!

Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!

Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.

Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!

She's entered Heaven now...

I realize it's been a while since I've written anything. On Friday, November 27, 2009, my mother - Gladys Faye (Meredith) Weaver - passed from this life into eternity at 4:40 pm. The day before she passed was not only Thanksgiving, but it was also my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary.

On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.

On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.

I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.

Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.

We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!

The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!

Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!

Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!

My Mom....

My mother has always characterized herself in the same manner I heard her father refer to himself: "Jack of all trades, master of none."

My mother is a wonderful cook, but you'll not find her food in any restaurants.
She is a great seamstress - making most of my & my sister's childhood clothes; even making formal gowns for dances and weddings, though you won't see any of her articles in trendy boutiques.
Mom is great with tools - always fixing the little mechanical issues. On the day of her retirement party, I heard talk of her skills. A co-worker was telling Mom she'd changed a battery in a piece of machinery. The boss replied "Oh, I knew it had been changed, but it takes a screwdriver to fix it, and I knew Gladys hadn't been here, so I couldn't figure out who'd done that." Even with talk like that, you won't find her name in the yellow pages.
My mom was a great nurse. In fact her physician and dear friend, Dr. Fred Cycholl, told me on more than on occasion "your mother should have become an RN or the hospital should change its stupid policies, because she's the best ER nurse this county has ever seen". Yet to this day, my mother has never gone beyond LPN in Nursing.

These are but a few of the examples to support her theory "Jack of all trades".

However, I strongly disagree with her opinion. I believe my mother is a master of many things.

She has been a wonderful employee and co-worker: always working her hardest and giving it her all - even when she was usually the lowest paid.
She should be hired as a financial consultant to balance the federal budget. It was amazing how she balanced our measly budget, yet our needs were always met.
She has been an amazing friend to all she known - quietly finding little ways to show her love and appreciation.
She's an excellent sister - one with siblings calling her the "rock" and "strong one" of the family.
She was a wonderful daughter to both of her parents - loving, obeying and caring for them to the end of their earthly lives.
She has always been a wonderful wife to my father. She took her vows, such as "in sickness, poverty, good times & bad" very seriously because of her strong love for him.
She has been an awesome mom from day one! Even though she never planned to have children, my sister and I can attest to her being the Best Mom in the world! She has loved us so much that somewhere along the way, she became "Mom" and "Best Friend" all rolled into one.
She's an amazing witness for the Lord. Living her life out quietly for Him, yet never missing an opportunity to share Him with others when it presented itself.

Most of all, though, I think she is a Master of Humility. She even shows this in the way she describes herself as "master of none". It's not that she's belittling herself, she just doesn't have an inflated or prideful opinion of herself. She always puts God and others before herself - making sure His Will is done and that people's needs and desires are met before her own.

My mother truly is a Proverbs 31 woman: "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her saying: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

M & M hanging out!

On the Friday before Easter, Mom & I were blessed with the opportunity to go see Aunt Peggy, Uncle Phil as well as Marie & Parker!

I wish I had gotten a picture of Mom & Parker, but I was busy. They had fun playing with Parker's toys in the family room. I actually think that Mom might have had more fun than Parker. And that kept him entertained! haha Parker & Marie did take some time to play the piano. Jen, I think he's going to be a musician!






Marie & I were busy in the kitchen. Marie made cupcakes - from scratch! You rock girl! Then we mixed up some icing in different colors and decorated cupcakes & cookies. To say that we had fun would be an understatement. Marie has to be one of the coolest cousins EVER! :)

Dreaded call from the oncologist....

Today, April 3rd, the oncologist's office called. Mom had chemo Wed, April 1st. At that appointment, they did her CA 125 (ovarian cancer marker). They called today with the reuslts....the numbers are still rising, even though she is taking chemo. The doctor said he's going to wait until Mom has her CT scan done to decide the next step. Her CT scan had originally been scheduled for April 22, but we called today to move it up to April 7. So it will most likely be the middle of April before we know anything.

I don't know what the doctor will say, but I have a few ideas of his options. Right now, Mom is on 3/5 a dose of chemo (due to her weakness in the beginning of this course of treatment). He may decide to give her the full dose and see if it is more effective. From what I've read, sometimes they decide radiation is beneficial (although our dr has never mentioned this). There's always the chance that the bloodwork was a fluke, but it had risen a few points last month as well, so my heart tells me that is not likely. If the CT scan shows that the cancer has spread to organs, such as liver, kidneys, pancreas, etc., the most likely option will be comfort measures through the Hospice program.

As I type the word Hospice, my heart sobs. It's not as if this hasn't been a possibility for a while. It's not as if Mom hasn't been miraculously surviving everything they said she wouldn't. It's not as though I haven't prepared myself many times in the past 2 years for the end of this horrid disease. It's not that I don't have faith that God knows what He's doing, He's God...He knows the beginning from the end. It's not that I feel as though I've been abandoned or forsaken by God because His presence has been ever-near throughout this entire time. It's not that I somehow think He's doing wrong by my mom....He loves her more than I ever could.

So why is my heart sobbing? Sadness....sadness at the thought of losing my mom at a younger-than-normal age. Losing my best friend, my confidant, the person who probably loves me the most in the entire world besides God. Sadness at thinking that she won't be there for me to talk to when things are tough, or good for that matter.

Yes, it's sad. But, my sadness at this time is almost on the side of silliness. We won't know the results of Mom's CT scan for probably another week. She could be miraculously healed by that time. Or I may be in a car wreck. Or...North Korea & the US could launch their missiles and we might find ourselves in the middle of a nuclear war. There's no telling what life will be like a week from now.

So for the time being, I'm going to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the awesome relationship I have with my mom. Thankful for the time I've had with her, and still do! Thankful that God is keeping His promise to never leave nor forsake me. Thankful...just because my heart is thankful to Him at this moment!

When the time comes that my mom is not on Earth with me, I will have plenty of time to grieve. But right now, I want whatever time we have left together to be awesome! I've been told that because of this sentiment, I am in denial. I really am not, I'm just choosing to believe Jesus when He said that each day has enough trouble of its own and not to worry about tomorrow.

I will write again after we get the results and talk to the doctor. Please keep Mom in your prayers. We have felt them sustaining us and are so thankful!!!

Christmas!!

I believe it is official. I love to take pictures, but am really the worst person to take pictures at gatherings. I get too involved talking (I know, no one can believe that! haha) and I forget to take pictures! So here's what few I have...

I think I went a little overboard on the goodies for no more people than we had. :) But it was fun! I really liked the white chocolate/peppermint fudge recipe!

Here was our true entertainment for the evening! Parker! It's been a LONG time since there were little ones at our house for Christmas. Jen & I are close in age, then Chelle follows by 2 1/2 years. So, yeah, it's been over 25 years since we've had a baby at the house on Christmas! He is such a happy baby and was so much fun! I'll have to get a copy of the pic where he & I are playing a piano duet!

Jeannine, Aunt Peg & Jen are all modeling their new scarves & hats. I got a loom this fall and had a blast! They all look so cute!

And the tradition continues....We actually open presents on Christmas Eve night. So when everyone else leaves, we clean up quickly, then pile all of our presents to one another under the tree. And this is the last picture I took - not a single picture of present-opening. Guess I was just too excited!!

Mom's retirement party

OK, so it's been a long while coming, but Mom had her retirement party on Columbus Day - even though she officially retired on September 1st. She was really fairly weak here, but it seemed strong to us at the time. I am so thankful that God doesn't let us vividly remember really bad and tough stuff sometimes. I don't want to relive those months for anything...and I know Mom doesn't either.

The girls in Mom's office know she's a big Christmas person, so she got tons of snowmen stuff & a really pretty Thomas Kincaide clock that plays a traditional Christmas carol every hour. It provided lots of pretty musical entertainment for us!

In this picture, on Mom's left is Judy Walsh. Mom & Judy are old-school nurses who worked together at the hospital WAY back in the day - before all us children came along! Judy hasn't been really well for a while either, so it was a huge surprise to see her there. Mom was SO surprised that she came, I think she almost cried! It was really sweet.



Rita, one of mom's co-workers in Respiratory, got Mom the singing snowmen from Hallmark! Another big hit at our house through Christmas!

For your retirement, the hospital counts your years of service, then you pick an item out of a catalog that matches the amount they spend for however many years. Mom saw this painting in the catalog and decided it would be hers. It's entitled "Sunday Morning" and it is really pretty - very peaceful and serene.
Mom's retirement was a strange moment for me. When it was all said and done, my mother worked at Clay County Hospital 32 years out of the last 40. She started working there in high school, went to nursing school, left a few times haha, but always went back. This time she had been there I believe for 18 years.
CCH seems more like a part of our family than actually family members sometimes! My mom worked there forever. Daddy worked there - that's how he & Mom met. I worked there all through high school and college. And now my sister works there. So we've made and maintained many friendships throughout these years!

Thanksgiving!

Another Thanksgiving Day has arrived. I honestly try to spend time each day being thankful, but when a holiday is completely dedicated to this concept, I try to spend a little more time contemplating.

This past Sunday at church our pastor asked us to answer aloud 'what are you thankful for?" I listened to everyone's response, all the while thinking "I should be speaking that I am thankful for my mom still being alive" but I didn't feel led to say anything. So I spent some time praying & contemplating "For what am I truly thankful?" Finally I gave an answer. "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I were without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me."

There are so many things for which we all have reason to be thankful. The fact that we are breathing means we're alive to serve Him another day. The family members and friends that we still have with us. Most likely if you're reading this, you share the thanks that I do of having shelter provided, as well as food to eat. Those of us that are living in America should be thankful for the freedoms that we still have - one of the most important being the freedom to worship God freely.

I am most thankful, though, for my God who loves me. The Lord that says "you have ravished My heart with one glance of your eye." The God that loves me through it all and never leaves my side. Oh how much I have to be thankful for!!

Latest in Weaverville...

This past week has been hectic to say the least! Thank you all for the cards, emails and phone calls. I'm terribly sorry that I haven't had time to respond individually....but I promise I will try once we find a new 'norm' around here.

On Monday, the oncologist came to see Mom at the hospital. He said that he wanted to bump her up to a stronger chemotherapy medication - meaning it should work faster, but she will most likely have worse side effects. He also said that he should know within 2 months whether this chemo will be working. Basically, if it doesn't work, we've got no other options. Tuesday, after hours of fighting (well, maybe fighting isn't the right word...we'll say disagreeing -- something a little loudly, haha) with the nurses at the hospital as well as home health, she finally was able to come home after a 27 day stay at the hospital! She came home on IV medications with pumps and such. So, the way they had explained it to me was that the home health nurses would come to the house to take care of stuff. In reality, though, the home health nurses have taught me how to mix drugs and use the pumps myself, since they keep saying 'you'll have to be here 24/7'. So, 'Nurse Meredith' (who never had an earthly desire to be a nurse and STILL doesn't) has had to rely upon the strength of the Lord to get through this time. I am mixing drugs - just the vitamins in the TPN, but still it involves vials and needles with big syringes. I am flushing out her line and hooking up new tubing to her IV/Cath line. And, I'm in charge of the ileostomy bag - the bag that just doesn't want to stay on for more than 72 hours at a time.....and these bags always choose to leak before I get out of bed. :( Nervous, tired and just plain worn out at 6:30 in the morning doesn't make for a nice nurse...but again, God's giving the strength. On Wednesday, we went to Effingham for Mom to start this new chemo drug. She did very well through the treatment and has had none of the allergic reaction/side effects to be present as of yet -- definite blessing!

On Thursday, she was actually up & walking around (with the help of someone carrying her med pumps). She had a pretty decent appetite as well. Friday came, though, and the normal 2 - 7 days of 'blagh' after chemo seem to have set in. She slept most of the day Friday and Saturday. She hasn't seemed to have been in as much pain as she was, but she's getting lots of pain meds, so maybe that has something to do with it.

OK, there's the update on how the week went. Here comes the praise reports and prayer requests.

Praises: We're so very thankful that Aunt Peggy was here a LOT this past week, helping me get the house reorganized, cleaned up and doing cooking while I was setting into a routine with Mom's medicine! I'm also thankful that I worked as a Pharmacy Tech in the past & the pharmacist taught me how to do some TPN stuff then -- shhh don't tell. I'm also thankful that when Grandma was living & taking insulin, I was able to give her a lot of her shots - allowing me to not be uneasy about it now while giving them to Mom.

Requests: We're continuing to pray for healing...God is still in that business! Please pray for continued peace. We know that the peace of God has been residing here, but sometimes we have trouble claiming it. :) And, please just continue to pray for Mom.

One last thing....we did have an awesome experience. On Monday night, Mom got really upset after the oncologist told us about knowing within 2 months about the chemo. Anyway, when she got really upset, her pain rate went up and we had trouble getting it under control. She asked me, Michelle and Aunt Peg to stay the night with her. So, while Chelle & Aunt Peg were sleeping, I was sitting up with Mom praying. I remember distinctively praying that God would send His angels to give Mom peace and relief from pain. Around 4:00, I woke up to Mom yelling 'Meredith, Meredith! Wake up! The angel is here, my pain is gone, and the angel said to wake you up and let you know he's here.....just look at him!' I prayed God would give me eyes to see, but that didn't happen. However, I didn't need to see that angel with my physical , because I knew that God had answered prayers and given Mom rest. The nurses and staff laughed at me and Mom...saying she had enough drugs to make her hallucinate - which she did. But, they must not know the God that I know and they apparently don't know about His love for my mom! Thanks again for all your prayers -- and time in reading this!

John Hancock Observatory

The view from Hancock Observatory...94 stories up in the air! The elevator to get up all those stories takes somewhere close to a minute. Talk about ear-popping!

Washing windows is hard work that high up!

Another view of the city.

Mom & Daddy on the skywalk...all that holds you in are those steel beams and window screens.

Fountain at the ground level of the observatory.

Skyline cruise

After Wrigley Field, we went on a cruise down the river and into the lake. The Skyline cruise was lots of fun!

Photo-op!

The new Trump building that's going up now. It seems very economical. I think they said the penthouse has already been bought for something like $27 million.

Mom got tired waiting for the cruise...so she found a couch. She seems to think that she's royalty, perched on her golden couch!

Apparently Oprah lived in the building at one time...it has an awesome view of the lake.

It was a little overcast on Tuesday, but I still thought the skyline was awesome!

The tour guide had really corny jokes about Chuck Norris all of the time, but it was still fun.

The lighthouse was really cool, but this was as close as we got.

Awesome sailboat tour taking place...I think theirs was more expensive than ours.

This building has connections to Al Capone. Apparently, the top of the building was a speak-easy. The elevator is big enough for a car. So, Al would pay the elevator operator to leave his car in the elevator on the 54th floor with them. That way if the police were coming after him, the elevator was up and they had to walk up 54 flights of stairs....giving him plenty of time to ride down and escape. That's some smart thinking!

Wrigley Field

Daddy has been a Cubs fan for, well, since before I came along. So on Tuesday, we got up and hopped on a bus to surprise Daddy. Here's the shot of his face as he realized we were across the street from Wrigley Field! Talk about priceless!

It wasn't a game day, which was nice - no crowd to deal with!

Daddy was so happy, it was cute!

More cheesy tourist shots! "Take me out to the ballgame..."

Arlington House Youth Hostel

Since this was a "backpacking" trip, we stayed in a youth hostel. Plus, it was a lot cheaper. It was an experience for Mom & Dad. We got a private room with a private bath, so they didn't get the full experience, but it was still an adventure.

Since this was a "spend as little as possible" trip, we stopped at the grocery store on the way back from Chinatown and had sandwiches & such in our room. You'll also notice the map on the desk...I was plotting out Tuesday's events.

My bed was broken...like the springs were literally coming out of the mattress, so I put extra blankets and sheet on the floor. Roughing it!

Here's our air conditioner...along with an open window! Once the sun went down, it wasn't really too bad. Actually, we could hear a bunch of students out playing/writing music down the street, so it was a pretty interesting night.

Chinatown!!

We didn't make it to Chinatown until after 6 PM....so most stores were closing and it was beginning to get dark. But we got a shot of the mural..

These people acted like they didn't want their picture taken...but I know they were ecstatic that I snapped their picture!

The gate...
Mom does not like to try new foods because she is so picky. This proved to be something she didn't like! haha

Daddy, however, enjoyed his very much!

You can see a guy walking toward us in the picture I took of Mom. He wouldn't quit talking to us and he was talking about "super-rats" that were biting people's necks and were bigger than raccoons. Anyway, he was a little strange and we couldn't shake him, however, he was hungry and we gave him a dollar. Since we gave him money, he showed us the escalator so Mom & Daddy didn't have to walk up the steps to the El train. He said he wanted to earn his money. See? When you're going about God's business, He provides protection!