He Says I'm Enough

We go through seasons in this life. Some seasons are short, others seem to last an entire lifetime, while most fall somewhere in between. And we never know how long the season will be until it’s over. During prayer and worship the other night, I didn’t go up to the altar for prayer partly because my heavy heart was affecting my feet, but mostly because I couldn’t find a way to put my heavy heart in to words. So, in between tears and sobs, I was trying to praise God’s goodness and claim His promises. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I had no problem praising His Name, for He is great and greatly to be praised. I was just desperately struggling to claim His greatness in my life.

You see, my heart was struggling. As of late, it seems that no matter what I do, the message I get (sometimes external other times internal) is that I’m not enough, haven’t tried hard enough, haven't loved enough, and haven’t given enough...I’m unaccepted, undesirable, unworthy. And it’s left me exhausted and feeling dreadfully inadequate. And I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has ever struggled in a season like this.

While I was sobbing, a friend was praying amazing things over me. And while I was sobbing, I was agreeing with her, praying and hoping those things were or would be true. And my heart felt calmed, that someone believed I was enough and worth time. Then, my friend kept her hand on my arm, but she was far enough away I could no longer hear what she was praying. And I felt myself longing to hear that she believed I was worthy of prayer, worthy of her time, worthy of God’s time.

And then God spoke to me. I was looking for assurance from outside sources, but as His child, I should be looking only to Him. He says that I am enough, beyond enough and worthy of His time and love. Even when I struggle, even when I fail, I am enough through Jesus’ blood and my willing heart, I am enough for Him. People, both from inside and outside of the Church, may tell you that you will never be enough – never smart enough, fast enough, talented enough, kind enough, compassionate enough, never enough. But God says that’s not true! His love isn’t based on performance. He says I’m enough because He created me! I’m important to Him! I am worth enough to Him that He sent His son to die on the cross in my place! He delights in me! He says my face is lovely and my voice is sweet! And beloved, He says the very same things about you too! And that’s so beautiful, because after all, His opinion is the only one that matters!

Faith persists...

How many times have you been asked to pray for some one's healing? How many times by the same person for the same thing?

If you attend church regularly or are a member of a church body, you've most likely been asked to pray for the same person multiple times, and many times for the same healing.

I've spent time pondering this and in discussion with the Lord on this area this past week. I know that I'm a bit close to the subject, so I want to fully disclose up-front that I may be skewing what I've heard from the Lord. I don't think this is the case, but I'm human, so I'm aware of the possibility.

Here's the situation that made me start thinking this week. I have fibromyalgia, acid reflux, degenerative arthritis, chronic sinusitis, as well as multiple food and drug allergies. I'm not whining, I'm just stating. None of these things are life-threatening (well except the allergies ha) and if I take my medicine, I can mange. And some days I feel lots better than other days. But I want to be healed of these things, I desperately do. So every time I'm with a body of believers and I feel that gentle tug of the Holy Spirit telling me to ask for prayers for healing, I do. I believe the Bible to be the written Word of God. So when I read James 4:2 "You do not have because you do not ask God." or Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." I have to believe that God truly meant I need to ask Him for what I have need of, that I need to boldly come before His throne asking for Him to meet my needs. And I know that He also says that in James 5:16 "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective". So if this is true, I need as many righteous people praying. There are many other Scripture that support sharing our prayer needs with one another, lifting one another up in prayer and bearing with one another.

So, why is it that when someone in the Body of Christ asks for prayer (albeit a repeated one), we may roll our eyes, or even ask "Are you STILL having trouble with that?" or "Wow! what ISN'T wrong with you?" I know that these things happen within the Body because I've had each of these done to me within the past 2 weeks. I'm not pointing fingers or placing blame, just something that God pointed out to make me aware. I've been guilty of doing the same thing myself. Being asked to pray for the same person, for the same thing for the umpteenth time and thinking to myself "ugh, why do they just keep asking?" I think we all do that because it's human nature. Plus, when we're healthy, it's easy to not understand the person's issue. Or when we're dealing with pain of our own, it's easy for the thought to pop into our heads "you're not so special, this is a fallen world and we all have pains that we have to live through. I'm pushing through mine silently, so why don't you quit complaining?" We may not say that out loud, but even though I'm not a betting person, I'd wager that thought has entered into many people's mind...even if but for a moment.

I don't know why I hurt and don't feel good. I don't know why my family has a long line of various illnesses and disease. I have prayed regarding generational things and, thus far, the Lord hasn't shown me anything in that area. I do know, though, that I come from a strong lineage of people who didn't just claim to be Christians, but walked it out in their everyday life, in the mundane moments. And I know that many of them heard the same words I've heard and saw the same eye-rolls I've seen when they asked God for their healings. Some of them received their healings on Earth, others in that glorious moment they entered into God's Presence.

I guess the biggest reason this weighed so heavily upon my heart is because of what I heard the Lord say. I heard Him say that this is part of the reason we are not seeing the healings that He spoke of. Remember, He said that we'd do "even greater works than these" and He was raising up bodies from the dead! Did you ever notice, though, that healings took place when the people went to Jesus, or had people go on their behalf, believing Jesus could heal them? If we want to compare ourselves to others and deem them as big babies, we may be keeping them from receiving a healing, and ourselves from the tremendous reward of blessing of our faith. If we don't pray because we're just tired of praying for that person's healing of the same thing, well, that doesn't say much for our perseverance, does it?

I don't want the reason that we aren't seeing healing take place to be that we are insensitive to people that ask for our prayers. Yes, my feelings were hurt this week. I'll get over it. God will give me the strength to forgive the person, whether they even realized their actions or words were hurtful. I will get over it. But I know that I've been blessed by those generations who have gone before me, loving the Lord in good times and in bad. I know that God answered their prayers and strengthened them. I know that He blessed their persistence to keep coming before His Throne. I've served my Lord for more than 2/3 of my life and He's proven Himself over and over to me. So I know that He will be faithful...it's written all over my past with Him.

But what about the new believer? Or the non-believer? It takes a certain element of humility to ask God for a healing for ourselves. So often we allow ourselves to be disqualified because we know of someone much worse off than we are. But I think it takes a different level of humility to ask other people to pray for a healing. Not only are we acknowledging our dependency on the Lord, but we're also acknowledging our co-dependency upon His body - the one that He engineered. He specifically puts other believers into our lives so that we have a brother or sister to encourage us along the way.

This week, I pray, that the Lord helps us by making us aware of our reactions to people when being asked to pray for healing. That we would not be found comparing ourselves to them...rather than silently pushing through our own pain, why don't we also ask, in turn, for prayers for our own healing? That we may be found lifting one another before the Throne of God, asking for healings because we don't want to be guilty of "having not because we ask not". That even though we may not see immediate healing, we keep pressing in, we keep pushing into His Presence.

In this world, there will be pain and strife. God's already promised us that. And some of us may never receive a healing on this Earth. And we have to come to terms with that...work that out with the Lord...that He's God, He's Sovereign, He chooses who gets healed and who doesn't. But that's His job, not ours. I'm reminded of what He's told me many times before "I didn't tell you to go around healing people, I simply asked you to pray that I heal them, healing is My job."

So as for me and my house, we will continue to contend for healings!

My New Friend, Carol

So, the night before my birthday, I was a bit down. I was missing my mama a lot. Of all the previous birthdays I'd had, I had never spent one not with her. So yeah, I was missing her.

It was a Saturday night, which meant I was just leaving worship & prayer at the River of Life (my church body in Cisne). Another lady & I were getting ready to go to our cars when we heard someone yell "Hey, River of Life people, would one of you come over here?" Since Tina's daughter was having a sleepover & she had both little gals with her, I told her to go on home & I'd go over to speak with the lady. She asked if our church was affiliated with IHOP-KC (which we're not, but a lot of us go there often & stay plugged in), so this started a new friendship for me!

She told me that since she lived across the street from our meeting place, she'd been meaning to attend, but just hadn't felt like it. Then she asked if we would put her on our prayer list because of her cancer. I told her if she'd tell me how to open the gate, I'd do one better & pray with her right then. So I went up to where she was sitting on her front porch to go pray with her. I had this feeling within me, but I asked anyway "What kind of cancer do you have that we are praying against?" She answered "stage 4 ovarian cancer".

I already knew it just from looking at her, and the feeling within my spirit. And she confirmed it with that answer. I had a moment - it was really only a second or two - that felt like an eternity. The thoughts were racing through my mind "Really, God? You send me to this stranger's house to pray for her healing of ovarian cancer? Really? After we prayed for almost 3 years for my mom (the SAME cancer) and she didn't get healed on Earth? Really, God? Is this a joke?" All of that was within one second. The next thing I knew, I heard God answering "Yes, really. Your job is to pray and believe that I'm God and I'm going to complete My will. I'm not asking you to heal her, just pray for her. And remember that whatever the outcome, I'm with You just as I always have been". That's a lot of stuff, but it really did happen within a blink or two of the eye.

So, she sent me into her house to get oil, I anointed her head & we prayed. We prayed and prayed. God just came over the both of us as I laid hands upon her head and belly. God was SOO there in the midst! His presence was so strong! The Holy Spirit gave both of us such a sweet peace. So, after we prayed, she asked me to sit down and chat with her. I didn't have anywhere to be since it was 9:30 on a Saturday night, so I did. We talked & talked - basically sharing each other's life stories! She asked why I seemed so familiar with ovarian cancer, so I told her about my mom. I felt kinda bad, like "yeah, we prayed for my mom too and she's dead now, but I'm gonna keep praying for you too". That's the awesome thing that God reminded me, though. He doesn't ask me to go around healing people. He asks me to pray for them. Healing is His job, which He pours out as He sees fit. As Misty Edwards said "At the end of the day, some people get healed, some people don't. God is sovereign and gets to choose, we just have to deal with it."

Carol & I sat there talking on her front porch until 12:30AM - meaning it was my birthday! We are such kindred spirits. Just our experiences in life, the way the Lord has shown Himself to us, the paths He's taken us on. We were instant friends. She's a little older than my mom. And as I got into my car to drive home, I realized it was my birthday....and that meeting Carol was a gift God had given me. I still missed my mama, but the ache wasn't so strong. God had reminded me that He never leaves us nor forsakes us...He is our Provider. And, He's a good, good God who loves to bless His children!

Over the past couple of months, Carol's cancer came out of remission. So she's back to doing chemo and such. I just talked to her this afternoon and, bless her heart, she's so weak, so can only talk on the phone for a few minutes. Her lungs keep filling up with fluid (ovarian cancer cells produces ascites - fluid). She's going Monday to have a chest tube put in to drain the fluid on the lung. She also said they're bringing in a hospital bed to help her with getting up and down, and she's not allowed to stay by herself because she's so weak and short of breath.

Please pray for Carol. She reminds me of my mama in that she has such a strong faith in the Lord. She knows - and is at peace with knowing - that at any moment, God could choose to heal her body, or take her home, whichever is within His plan. I will continue to pray for her until God heals her, because that's what He's asked of me. The way He chooses to heal her is up to Him, but I know what my job is. Please pray with me for, not only her healing, but for strength, comfort and peace. Thanks!!

Eyes like Fire!

Last night I did not sleep well. In fact, I didn't really sleep last night, as it was 6:00 AM before I finally fell asleep. I watched TV, I read, I spent time thinking, and I kept trying to go to sleep. Around 4:00, I lay in my bed with my body aching. I remember thinking I felt like a 70-year-old. I hate fibromyalgia. And I have a sinus infection to boot...so my head felt like it was in a vice grip.

Sometime around 4:30, I found myself before the Lord. I remember saying "I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, God. I know that You paid for my healing, Jesus. And I also know that You've said we have not because we ask not. So God, I am asking You now, please heal my body. I know that it's nothing too big or too small for You, so I'm asking that You please heal my body."

And then, all of the sudden, I could see that I was literally before the Throne. I remember saying "I'm coming boldly before Your Throne, Lord!" I confessed that for many years, every time I've spent time in prayer for healing, I always find someone who is legitimately more sick than I am, and I pray for that person's healing. I realized that I have been, in a way, disqualifying myself from His healing. I have fibromyalgia, bad sinuses & allergies, and acid reflux. All of which are things that I can live with if I use my medications and eat carefully. Somewhere in my mind I equated that with being less worthy of His time. But I realized that though my problems are livable, God could definitely heal me...He loves me as much as He loves anyone else.

And then I realized there was more than just prayers for healing taking place. While I saw myself before the Throne, I looked up at one point and saw Jesus looking at me. He appeared almost as a lion. His eyes were like fire. They were burning with a deep desire for me to see His love. They were burning with love for ME. They also burned with a love of jealousy. I could see it in those eyes like fire. Then He asked me, "Do you love Me?" I replied, "Yes, Jesus, I love You, I love You!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than any other lover?" My reply, "Jesus, that's my heart's desire! I know that I fail, but I strive to love You more than any other!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than your family? More than your friends? More than your church family?" To each I replied, "Yes, Jesus, yes!" "Do you love Me enough to do what I ask you? Enough to leave all that you know & love behind? Enough to do the things I ask of you, even if they're not your personal desires? Enough to keep serving those who act as though they do not appreciate you? Enough to stay at home with your earthly father until he dies, if I ask it of you? Enough to give up any dreams of marrying and adopting? Enough to live a life full of persecution from those that you love?" At this point I was weeping, after each question, my answer remained, "Yes, Jesus! If that's what You ask of me, then yes, Jesus!" He asked, "Do you love Me enough to literally lay down your earthly life simply for loving & following Me?" "Oh yes, my Beloved! I love You enough to do that!" All this time, He was looking into my eyes, into my soul with those eyes that just kept burning with a tender, just and jealous love.

Then He surrounded me with His love and said "I believe you, my beloved, I believe you. Though you have not always made the right decisions, you have proven your love for Me so many times! In those quiet, secret places where no one was watching, where no one saw the sacrifices that you made, I saw. And your human heart cannot understand the love that I have for you!"

So I spent an hour with my Lord, my King, my Judge, my Friend, my Brother, my Bridegroom! He kept pouring His love over me! And then He asked me if i was willing to surrender all other lovers, all other people/things/thoughts that distract me from following Him at all times. I answered that I was. And it was as though He took on the attributes of a lion even more so. I could see and feel Him literally shredding the things around my heart that were distractions. He would name something & I would say "rid me of it, Jesus". And I could feel him literally tearing those things off of my heart.

I have to say that it was an exhausting experience. And around 6:00 am, I was so tired that I couldn't hardly stay awake. But I wanted to! I was in the presence of my Beloved! Feeling His love for me, and seeing that jealous love in His eyes like fire. I think this was the 2nd time of seeing His eyes of fire, but this time they were so much more powerful! I wasn't just seeing His eyes, I was feeling His eyes....I could feel His jealousy and His love for ME in those eyes!! I can't say that I woke up feeling healed, unfortunately. In fact, if anything I physically felt worse because of the lack of sleep. But my spirit, oh my spirit is so much more at peace, and my spirit has been healed! And I don't believe I will ever forget those eyes of fire!!

Dreaded call from the oncologist....

Today, April 3rd, the oncologist's office called. Mom had chemo Wed, April 1st. At that appointment, they did her CA 125 (ovarian cancer marker). They called today with the reuslts....the numbers are still rising, even though she is taking chemo. The doctor said he's going to wait until Mom has her CT scan done to decide the next step. Her CT scan had originally been scheduled for April 22, but we called today to move it up to April 7. So it will most likely be the middle of April before we know anything.

I don't know what the doctor will say, but I have a few ideas of his options. Right now, Mom is on 3/5 a dose of chemo (due to her weakness in the beginning of this course of treatment). He may decide to give her the full dose and see if it is more effective. From what I've read, sometimes they decide radiation is beneficial (although our dr has never mentioned this). There's always the chance that the bloodwork was a fluke, but it had risen a few points last month as well, so my heart tells me that is not likely. If the CT scan shows that the cancer has spread to organs, such as liver, kidneys, pancreas, etc., the most likely option will be comfort measures through the Hospice program.

As I type the word Hospice, my heart sobs. It's not as if this hasn't been a possibility for a while. It's not as if Mom hasn't been miraculously surviving everything they said she wouldn't. It's not as though I haven't prepared myself many times in the past 2 years for the end of this horrid disease. It's not that I don't have faith that God knows what He's doing, He's God...He knows the beginning from the end. It's not that I feel as though I've been abandoned or forsaken by God because His presence has been ever-near throughout this entire time. It's not that I somehow think He's doing wrong by my mom....He loves her more than I ever could.

So why is my heart sobbing? Sadness....sadness at the thought of losing my mom at a younger-than-normal age. Losing my best friend, my confidant, the person who probably loves me the most in the entire world besides God. Sadness at thinking that she won't be there for me to talk to when things are tough, or good for that matter.

Yes, it's sad. But, my sadness at this time is almost on the side of silliness. We won't know the results of Mom's CT scan for probably another week. She could be miraculously healed by that time. Or I may be in a car wreck. Or...North Korea & the US could launch their missiles and we might find ourselves in the middle of a nuclear war. There's no telling what life will be like a week from now.

So for the time being, I'm going to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the awesome relationship I have with my mom. Thankful for the time I've had with her, and still do! Thankful that God is keeping His promise to never leave nor forsake me. Thankful...just because my heart is thankful to Him at this moment!

When the time comes that my mom is not on Earth with me, I will have plenty of time to grieve. But right now, I want whatever time we have left together to be awesome! I've been told that because of this sentiment, I am in denial. I really am not, I'm just choosing to believe Jesus when He said that each day has enough trouble of its own and not to worry about tomorrow.

I will write again after we get the results and talk to the doctor. Please keep Mom in your prayers. We have felt them sustaining us and are so thankful!!!

Mom's home again!

Here's the latest....Sorry it's been so long in coming.

Right after I posted the last blog in September, Mom got really sick and had to go back into the hospital. Her white blood count was about 1,000 (normal is 5,000-10,000). The oncologist came to see her, met me in the hallway and asked if me and my family were prepared because she was most likely not going to make it out of the hospital and maybe not even through that night. We assumed it was the chemotherapy bringing her white count down, only to find that she was septic - staph infection in the blood system.

On Columbus Day, Mom had her retirement party and came home the next afternoon! She got so much better with the antibiotics they had her on! She came home on a Tuesday and was doing alright. By Sunday evening (Oct 19), though, we had to call the ambulance to take her to ER because she wasn't strong enough to even sit up in the bed really. The Paramedic told us afterwards that he didn't think she would even make it into the hospital. She was spiking fevers, then they would break as fast as they spiked. It was crazy scary! They did more blood cultures and we found that she was septic again (or still in my opinion). It seemed that she got better everytime she was in the hospital for 2 weeks on antibiotics, but when we got her home for a few days (not on IV antibiotics), she was worse again.

The oncologist came in again and said "We're at the end of what we can do. We just can't do anymore chemotherapy with this infection. She should probably go home on Hospice". Then he said that he thought Mom's portacath (the catheter that was surgically sewn into her chest for easier vein access) was the source of her staph infection. So she had to have it removed, and a central line put in her neck. After a week of antibiotics, she had a new portacath put in yesterday afternoon. The oncologist came back yesterday (3 weeks after the day he said that she wouldn't make it) and said "You're doing so great! We're re-starting chemotherapy on Wednesday" Yeah, that means tomorrow! Honestly, I'm a little nervous about this....I don't want her white count to drop again if the port wasn't the source of the staph infection. But we're pretty sure it was. And, this time, I know more of what to watch for, so I can take her to the hospital quicker. The past 5 days, though, she says she feels better than she's felt since August. And all of the hospita staff and doctors agree that she appears stronger and healthier than she's been since August!

OK, now you're as up-to-date as I am! I am sorry that I didn't email or write sooner, but it's been a hectic month! Plus, I never knew from one moment to the next what to tell anyone. We're very thankful for all of the thoughts and prayers that we know have been with us through all of this! Mom just has this strength about her that I know is God-given. The surgeon who put her port in, then out, then in again haha said he wouldn't sign for Mom to be on hospice because he thinks she will live longer than 6 months. Actually he said "I wouldn't put my money on your mom dying because that is not a safe bet!" She is an amazing person....I know that I have been so blessed that God made her my mom! I also know that our family is blessed that all of you remember us in your prayers! Thank you so much! Were it not for the grace and strength of God, I'm positive we wouldn't have made it through all of this! I will try to keep posted better! And maybe find some pictures of Mom's retirement party to post!

Who sprains their foot?

On Monday, I found out something of which I was previously unaware. My foot has been hurting since it popped one day in Florida back in May. Finally, it hurt bad enough that I went to the Emergency Room (since I can NEVER get into the doctor's office). They took an X-ray of my foot only to find no break (which the doctor was thinking it was). He said that I had a sprain in my foot. Apparently the ligaments around the bones in your foot can stretch and tear just like ligaments anywhere else. So, the diagnosis was that I have torn ligaments around the arch of my foot.

Treatment....is to wear this ugly post-op shoe/boot for 7-10 days trying to keep it elevated as much as possible. I am told that it can take 3-6 weeks for a sprain to heal, especially since he thinks it is a severe one. Oh yaay. Here's a couple of pics of my ugly shoe!

Beautiful Spring Day!!

Wow! Have you been outside at all today? I pray that wherever you are, it was just as gorgeous as it was at my house! I never used to really love or appreciate springtime. I have allergies, so the onset of spring usually means onset of allergies. Fortunately, they haven't acted up yet!

As I was driving to town today, I realized that I hadn't really experienced spring for a while. In 2006, I was living in China -- no real season changes there. Last year, 2007, Mom was fighting for her life - chemo, surgery, etc. So I am more than ready for spring time this year!!

Plus, I am praising God for allowing people to have wisdom and intelligence to make medicines! Over a week ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. They're thinking I've most likely had it for at least 10 years, I've just had the bad symptoms for a year. Anyway, they put me on this new drug, Lyrica. (If you watch any TV, you've probably seen the ad.) It's taken a little while for my brain to not be woozy and we're still trying to get the right dosage. But, let me tell you something! I was more active in 12 hours today than I have been for probably the last 3 months altogether. I cleaned the house, like spring cleaning type. I went for a walk/jog....I know, me jogging haha I baked cupcakes for church dinner on Sunday....I had to make the cake mix from scratch because I had apparently used the last box for Chelle's birthday. I went to town to do a little shopping, stopped by and took Mom flowers at work. I know these sound like things most people do everyday, but I honestly haven't felt well enough to be that active for a long time!

While I was walking today, I kept looking toward the sky, knowing I was ravishing Jesus' heart by glancing at Him. But I also realized how much He ravishes my heart in the little things as well as the big. Everything was green, beautiful, fresh. And I felt pretty good. Oh, how I love my Jesus...and I know He loved me first!!

Remission!

On Tuesday, November 13th, I took Mom to Dr. Dy (her oncologist) for her 12th chemo treatment. He said that her CA 125 (cancer marker) is down to 18, which means it is below the normal of 34. He also said that since she has completed 2 rounds of chemo, she is done (at least for now)! He said that her scans show no re-growth of any cancer and since the markers are down, he's calling her in remission. Actually, what he told us was "oh, did I not tell you? You've technically been in remission for a few weeks now." It was still very good news!!

We will continue to see him, most likely on a monthly basis. And she will have the blood test, the CT scans and exams done every 1-3 months. Because remission and cancer-free are not the same thing, we have to monitor this closely.

Thank you all for your prayers, calls, letters and thoughts. We're very aware of the fact that God has had His hand on this from the very beginning. We're also aware that her cancer is aggressive and could come back on us quickly and she's also extremely worn out and experiencing a few long-term side effects from the chemo. So if you could continue to remember her in prayer, we'd greatly appreciate it! Thanks again!

Blessings upon blessings....

This has been a busy week! Monday, I took Mom to a new orthopaedic, this time in Vincennes. This is the clinic that I frequented for my knee problems/surgery for many, many years. My grandma (who had degenerative joint disease) also frequented this clinic, and she was actually a patient of the doctor Mom saw. Anyway.....we walked in fairly skeptical. The last ortho we saw told Mom that her shoulders had severe deteriorative arthritis and "Mrs. Weaver, you know, you have cancer and probably will die....you should just see if your oncologist will prescribe stronger pain medicine". Needless to say, that was the last time we visited him. The doctor in Vincennes said that Mom only has minimal arthritis and a lot of tendonitis. He said that he will do steroid injections in each shoulder every 6-8 weeks to relieve her pain. He injected the right one Monday and now she's able to move her arm above her head (she hasn't done that for months)!

On Tuesday, we went to the oncologist for Mom's 11th chemo treatment. The doctor told us that Mom's cancer marker dropped from 23 to 17. He was so excited (and we were a little bit too haha)! He said that if everything is still good in 3 weeks, the Nov. 13th treatment should be the last chemo treatment for a while. And, she might even be able to go back to work full-time after the first of the year! Praise the Lord for His blessings!

Thank you all for your continued prayers through all of this!

CT scans and humor...

So, Mom had her latest CT scan done this week. She signed the release & went in to read the report (before it was sent to the doctor). Then she called to let me know what it said. The report read that everything looked normal, except her lung that has been partially collapsed for quite some time. The interesting part was that, according to the report, her uterus looked normal. What makes that so interesting, you ask? Well, she had a radical hysterectomy done on Feb. 28, meaning she has no uterus. This caused us a little stress because we thought they might be seeing a tumor that was that large. Come to find out...it was just a mistake on the doctor's dictation.

Here's a little insight into the mind of my mother, though. When she was around 19 years old, she had her appendix removed. When she had surgery on Feb. 28th, we were charged for an appendectomy. So, my mother says "I have figured it out. The doc had to remove my appendix for the 2nd time in my life. And now my uterus looks normal on the CT scan. I understand it now.....every time they take out one of my parts, it just regenerates. I'm going to live forever and never die since all my parts keep growing back!" haha Have I told you that I love my mom and her sense of humor through all of this?!

Oct 1 oncologist visit....

Today, Oct 1, Mom & I went to see Dr. Dy, Mom's oncologist. By the way, his name is pronounced "D", not "die". lol We get a lot of confused looks & questions! haha

Anyway, we went this morning for Mom's chemo. We had concerns to talk over with the doctor. Concerns such as the spot on the liver and lung that one radiologist thought he saw. And, the fact that Mom gained 7 pounds in one week and her abdomen was extremely hard and swollen (much like it was with the initial cancer fluid build-up).

Well, I know that many of you were and are praying...and I want to THANK YOU! He said that he really doesn't believe there's any cancer on her liver or lung because her cancer marker numbers are not increasing at all. Normally when ovarian cancer spreads and makes fluid, the cancer levels sky rocket! He also said that he believes the fluid is building up on Mom as a side effect from the chemotherapy drug she is on. He wants to make sure, though, so 2 weeks from today she will be having pelvic and abdominal CT scans done.

I have to tell you, though, Dr. Dy is a highly excitable doctor. With my mom having been a nurse for so long, medical emergencies aren't usually emergencies in my family. lol So, Dr. Dy is normally WAY more excited than we are. So when he just brushed it all off and said it wasn't anything to worry about, it makes it very easy to believe. I have a feeling I will feel more settled once we see the CT scan results, but after listening to the doctor, it does make sense that her numbers would have jumped up.

So, again, thank you so much for the prayers! We definitely felt them and know that they were heard & answered!

Thoughts in my head......

So, it's been a rough couple of weeks.

We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.

I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?

I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.

And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!

Mom's shoulders...

On Thursday, August 30, I took Mom to the orthopaedics's office for him to look at her shoulders. The MRI's had shown that the problem is NOT her rotator cuffs. The problem is that she has some pretty bad arthritis in the shoulders. Also, as a side effect from her chemotherapy, she has large amounts of fluid that have build up in the shoulder joints. The doctor injected some anti-inflammatory steroids in both shoulders. She nearly jumped off the table and bit off her own finger when he injected the right shoulder (the one that has been bothering her the most). She said the left one didn't hurt nearly as bad. The doctor said it would take a couple of days to fully take effect. It's been over 24 hours now and she says that her pain level is going down. She is able to lie down on her side without her arms killing her for the first time in a few months!

The doc said it's mostly a side effect of the chemo. Just another reason that I really hate cancer! And I hate Satan. If he hadn't tempted Adam and Eve, we wouldn't be living in a fallen world. Plus, he's just not a good guy. I love Jesus, though! And I know that God is WAY more powerful than Satan and God can bring Mom through this. She looked at me tonight, while we were sitting in the yard swing tonight, and said "I don't know why, but I really have a feeling that I'm going to beat this cancer stuff and it's not going to end up a big deal". I know that Mom has the peace of God residing in her heart, and I am so thankful for that! I'm also thankful that she decided to share that with me tonight...I was really needing to hear that. She's such an awesome person!

Update on Mom

I've had lots of emails, and I apologize for not emailing individually...so, here's the latest on Mom. We went back to the oncologist on Monday, July 30th to begin the 2nd round of 6 more chemo treatments. This should have her ending somewhere around the middle of November. The doctor told us that Mom is in the category of women who should benefit from the extra 6 treatments. We will go back on August 20th for the next treatment & see what the doc says!