He's Always There and He Always Loves

Today would have been my mom's 67th birthday. My flesh wants to scream how it's entirely unfair that I didn't get to celebrate any birthdays with her past her 59th. Then my mind logically reminds me that many people don't even get to spend 30 birthdays with one or both parents. And a lot of people aren't close to their parents or don't get along with them well. And I was very fortunate to be very close to and get along amazingly with my mom. As I transitioned from childhood to adulthood, she became my best friend. She was the person I talked to every day (or almost) because I wanted to (not like many people's "dutiful" calls to parents). She was my earthy rock, my anchor, my sounding board.

Oh, don't get me wrong....she was my mom first and foremost, until the end. Even when I was her caregiver, she would let me know if she thought I was getting too big for my britches and needed to be knocked down a level or two...she had no qualms going full mom-mode to let me know. Now when I catch myself behaving in a manner or pulling an attitude she wouldn't have approved, I can hear her voice, "Listen here, little girl...." When my mom called us "baby girl", it was always out of sweetness - something nice was to follow. But when she called us "little girl"...well, let's just say it had an edge to it. And you probably weren't going to enjoy what followed. lol But I know it was out of her love for me, her desire to see me become who God intended me to be. She loved me too much to let me start down or stay on a wrong path.

Today, I got good news. And, like every time I get good news, the first person I wanted to share the news with was my mom. Oh, I called and messaged a few people. But almost all were super busy, life is hectic for all of us. And you only get a few people that will drop everything to celebrate with you like your momma. And knowing it was her birthday caused it to sting a big more. So, I missed her today...

And I told God about it. I told Him it's not fair. I told Him that I was angry that He didn't heal her. And that she died. And I cried, like mean, ugly cried. (There are less than a handful of people that have seen me do this in person and not a whole lot more that I've ever admitted it to...just because it's not a usual response for me, and I'm not normally inclined to share when it is.) And then everything took a turn south. I told Him of my anger about being here all alone. I followed His voice and said no to relationships that most likely would have ended in marriage....only to be almost 38 and still single. He sent spouses to all of my close friends and they left. I've made new friends, but they have other, older, closer friends. He'd left me here all alone...I'm nobody's first thought in the morning, nobody's first call to share news. And I told Him I didn't appreciate it!

And God was, as He always is, a patient Father. He didn't leave. When I was done, He didn't scold me, He didn't punish me. He let me feel His arms wrapped around me. He calmed my spirit. He gently reminded me of the truth I've shared with others...that "fair" isn't what we really want..."fair" is punishment for our sins - eternal separation from God. He reminded me that He had given me to an amazing mother. He reminded me that we live in a fallen world, a world where sickness and disease are a reality...and that I'm beyond thankful she's not suffering or in pain anymore. He reminded me that He did heal Mom, just not in the way my heart desired. He reminded me that this life is "but a vapor" and I'm almost 38 -- quite possibly at the half of a vapor mark myself. In the grand scheme of eternity, we all only have a few seconds on this earth. He never promised us how long we'd have, but He promises to never leave us. And I know that He's never left me. Then He reminded me that if my mom were here & I was crying to her about all of these things, she would probably give me a "baby girl/little girl" combo. lol "It's OK, baby girl, you're gonna make it, you're strong and God will give you His strength." Followed by, "Now, listen here, little girl, it's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start being thankful for what God's blessed you with!"

And then I giggled, and my eyes leaked some thankful tears. Thankful for His great love for me. Thankful that He doesn't leave me, that He listens to me - yelling and all. Thankful that He's so patient with me. Thankful that I could imagine what my mom's response would be. Thankful that I am truly happy she's not in pain. Thankful that I know on the day I see Him face to face, I'll also see my sweet, feisty momma!

Another School Year Begins...

Yesterday was my first day of subbing in this new school year. On my way to school, I was thinking about how I have been subbing off and on for a long time. And I found myself praying for the students, as I often do. And praying for me, for patience, grace and that the students can see Jesus in me. Well, as I was driving home yesterday, I realized that even though I forgot to pray for it, I was thankful that I had seen Jesus in my students.

I had a high school student to ask "Miss Weaver, are you ever going to get a real teaching degree and become a real teacher? You've been subbing forever."
I smiled at him, then replied "Well, I have a Master's of Arts in Teaching, so I think that counts as a real degree. And, I also have a teaching license, so I believe that makes me a real teacher. Now, I think what you're really wanting to know is why I keep subbing and don't have a full-time teaching position. And that reason is - I take care of my father who can't live by himself since my mother passed away, and my first priority is being here for him."
The student replied "I am so sorry, now I feel like a jerk. You're doing a good thing and I made fun of it. I really am sorry, Miss Weaver, I promise I didn't mean any disrespect."

I told him that no harm was done, that we were cool and assured him that he wasn't a jerk, at least not this time. lol :) We all chuckled and the keyboarding lesson resumed.

I wish that adults could learn to be kind and understand someone's situation before judging them. I can't count the number of times I've been called irresponsible, lazy or immature by adults who know my situation, some who are even my friends yet say these things behind my back. I may not always enjoy this season of my life, but I know that God will always remember my obedience to do what He's asked me to do. And that far outweighs peoples' opinions of me.

He Says I'm Enough

We go through seasons in this life. Some seasons are short, others seem to last an entire lifetime, while most fall somewhere in between. And we never know how long the season will be until it’s over. During prayer and worship the other night, I didn’t go up to the altar for prayer partly because my heavy heart was affecting my feet, but mostly because I couldn’t find a way to put my heavy heart in to words. So, in between tears and sobs, I was trying to praise God’s goodness and claim His promises. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I had no problem praising His Name, for He is great and greatly to be praised. I was just desperately struggling to claim His greatness in my life.

You see, my heart was struggling. As of late, it seems that no matter what I do, the message I get (sometimes external other times internal) is that I’m not enough, haven’t tried hard enough, haven't loved enough, and haven’t given enough...I’m unaccepted, undesirable, unworthy. And it’s left me exhausted and feeling dreadfully inadequate. And I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has ever struggled in a season like this.

While I was sobbing, a friend was praying amazing things over me. And while I was sobbing, I was agreeing with her, praying and hoping those things were or would be true. And my heart felt calmed, that someone believed I was enough and worth time. Then, my friend kept her hand on my arm, but she was far enough away I could no longer hear what she was praying. And I felt myself longing to hear that she believed I was worthy of prayer, worthy of her time, worthy of God’s time.

And then God spoke to me. I was looking for assurance from outside sources, but as His child, I should be looking only to Him. He says that I am enough, beyond enough and worthy of His time and love. Even when I struggle, even when I fail, I am enough through Jesus’ blood and my willing heart, I am enough for Him. People, both from inside and outside of the Church, may tell you that you will never be enough – never smart enough, fast enough, talented enough, kind enough, compassionate enough, never enough. But God says that’s not true! His love isn’t based on performance. He says I’m enough because He created me! I’m important to Him! I am worth enough to Him that He sent His son to die on the cross in my place! He delights in me! He says my face is lovely and my voice is sweet! And beloved, He says the very same things about you too! And that’s so beautiful, because after all, His opinion is the only one that matters!

Grandma

This lady! Oh, how I wish I had more years with her. But, I am fully aware how blessed I was to live next door to or with her for all of the 19 years I got to be loved by her on Earth. She wasn't perfect. Nope, she wasn't. But she didn't claim to be either. Oh how she loved with her all! She was a McGrew...which leads many to understand she could have a temper. lol She and Grandpa would argue, oh my, over the tiniest thing. (Sometimes, as any couple married 62 years would, they legitimately argued...other times, well Grandpa was a Meredith and some of them have been known to torment for entertainment's sake. Ha!) And she NEVER forgot what the argument was about, because this woman with a 6th grade education could remember EVERYTHING! I personally witnessed several times that family members or friends would show up on the doorstep to ask Grandma to settle an argument based on happening 50 years prior. And by the time they left, all parties had concluded that Grandma was exactly right, remembering every last detail. And, before they left, they were usually filled with some kind of delicious food! I still suspect her siblings and in-laws came to "settle an argument" close to meal-time on purpose. And why wouldn't they? She was legitimately one of the best cooks EVER. I know a lot of people think that about their grandmothers...but many of those people are wrong. :) Seriously, I watched this woman cook meals for 10-25 people with NO recipes, MULTIPLE dishes AND she could time them to all be done at just the right time. Also, I know she did this her entire married life on a very tight budget...but no one left Helen Meredith's house hungry...or even having room enough for a tiny piece of candy!

I know that living in her house makes it easier for me to remember her, but honestly, I don't think it matters where I am...I'm pretty sure I'll always remember her on a regular basis. My grandparents were such a second set of parents to me, I know and am thankful that a lot of who I am today is because of them. She either taught or helped teach me how to cook, how to can veggies & fruits, how to sew, how to pay attention to little details, how to love people and always be hospitable. But most importantly, she taught me how to love the Lord. I am a worshiper...it's the way God made me. And, though she couldn't carry a tune to save her life, Grandma was a worshiper too. Oh so many Sundays of sitting next to Grandma covering my ears or glaring her direction because she couldn't find the note to sing. And she would (sometimes a bit shortly) remind me that Jesus loved the sound of her voice...and that's all that matters! (Though when I was feeling feisty, I'd remind her that she was singing in my ears...a sound that wasn't joyful to me! lol) I'm pretty sure that she's finally able to harmonize with my mom...and I have this feeling they're singing His praises, worshiping at His feet right now. (True worship is obedience, not just singing. But we will worship the Lord by singing His praises in Heaven...and even Grandma hoped she would get a better voice!)

In 100 years, there won't be anyone on Earth who remembers Helen Meredith personally. And since by worldly standards, she never did anything super impressive, there may not even be many who remember her in stories. But I know that she loved God, her family, her church family and her neighbor well. And I know that she spent so many hours before the Lord, lifting up the needs and hearts of so many who never even knew she was praying. But God knows, and He remembers. And He'll remember it in 100 years, 1000 years, 10,000 years...He will never forget how precious she is to His heart. And I know that I will never forget how thankful I am that God gave me Helen Irene (born as Olive Modine, but that's a different story lol) McGrew Meredith for a grandmother.

He Knows Your Name!

I attended a funeral today.  Since my dad wasn't raise by his birth parents, it's always a little tricky trying to explain relation to certain family members.  Today was the funeral, or rather celebration of life, of Dad's oldest "cousin-brother's" wife, or sister-in-law as Dad always viewed her.  (Dad was raised by his uncle & aunt, therefore the term "cousin-brother".)

Juanita was one of the kindest, gentlest, most joyful souls you could ever meet.  I don't think there was a single time in all of my 36 years of knowing her that when I saw her she didn't 1) give me a hug 2) compliment me & 3) smile.  These 3 things were true even when her husband passed away, then when her youngest son passed and a few months ago when her oldest son passed.  And though I saw her shed tears, I also saw her smile and heard her thank the Lord for being good.

Her daughter told me today how the night her Mom passed away progressed.  She was having some trouble breathing but didn't want her daughter to call the ambulance.  Eventually, around 3 in the morning, she was breathing a little easier.  She'd asked her daughter earlier to write something down for her, it was something to the extent of "I am at peace with my Lord Jesus".  Well, a little after 3 she asked her daughter if she'd heard someone say her name.  The daughter hadn't, but told her mom that if it was God calling her home, she should go be with Him.  A few minutes later, she said she heard her name again.  Her daughter said she took a couple more breaths, then her face just became so peaceful as she drifted.  And in that moment, Juanita stood before the Lord, seeing Him face to face.

I have no doubt that Juanita was hearing the Lord call her name...it was time for her to come home.  Jesus said in John 10:4 "I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own."  He knows your need, He knows your heart, He know YOUR NAME.  Oh, beloved, how precious is that?!  And oh, how sweet of a gift God gave her daughter...to know that her mom was hearing Him call her home, by name!!

In this life we will have sorrows, we will miss those who go on before us...but if we are His, we don't mourn like those who have no hope!  We know that one day He will call us home for eternity.  And you'll know when He's calling you, because He knows your name!!

What you might not realize about your worship leader

I’m working on the set list for tonight’s worship & intercession gathering.  And, it’s the 14^th anniversary of 9/11.  And, there have been hearings taking place this week in Washington DC regarding the funding of Planned Parenthood.  And, on a less national level, there are a million other things going on in my life and in the lives of those I love.

And my heart cares about each and every one of these things.  And many times throughout my day, I am in prayer for many of these issues…while still keeping on the task at hand.  Sometimes, though, my heart is broken so deeply that I have to take a break from what I’m doing and simply go before the Throne of God, fall on my knees and weep.  And in the midst of all of this, I have to set aside time to seek His heart for others, to hear what He's wanting to share.

After thinking about a conversation I recently had with a friend, I thought I'd share a few things you might not realize about your worship leader...

First and foremost, I want the Lord’s heart to be heard anytime I’m leading worship.  I take the privilege of leading God’s people into His presence very seriously.  Though it may seem like picking out 6-8 songs is an extremely easy task that can be done in 10 minutes, that’s not how I (or most worship leaders) go about it.  I try to spend time with the Lord, seeking His heart and His direction.  Do I miss the mark at times?  Yes, definitely, I’m human.  But that still doesn’t mean I haven’t sought Him and His heart towards you.

Sometimes when I’m leading, I will hear the Holy Spirit give me a song that I hadn’t originally put in the set…and there will be no words on the screen.  Sometimes I miss it when I’m prepping.  Sometimes, sometimes that’s just how the Holy Spirit moves.  Sometimes it’s a test of my faith…will I follow His leading rather than trust my own?  Sometimes, there’s one person in the midst whose heart needs to be reached.  I don’t pretend to understand why God does what He does, He is God, and I am not.  So, if there aren’t words on the screen and it’s a song you don’t know by heart, don’t check out.  Press in, seek Him.  I’ve had people tell me “I didn’t know that song, so I just prayed and He shared [insert care of His heart] with me…and I was so moved by feeling His heart!”  Want to know something?  Most of the time that was the care of His heart He was sharing with me too! 

Sometimes we will sing the same song (or songs with similar message) more than one time in a month…sometimes even weeks in a row.  God wants to share His heart…always.  And during some seasons, He wants our hearts to be heavily burdened for specific cares of His heart.  Please don’t think me to be lazy and that I simply re-use the set list from last week.  And know that if we’ve done the same song 3 weeks in a row, I’ve probably spent time reminding the Lord of that very fact.  But when I stand before Him, I will not be accountable to you, only to Him.

Sometimes we will sing the same line or chorus multiple times.  This is not because I didn’t plan ahead with enough songs to fill the service, nor is it because I simply like the tune (though I very well may!)  It’s again something I am hearing in my spirit.  I know not everyone likes to sing the same line over and over.  I would encourage you to quit just singing it.  Make it the prayer of your heart.  Remember Revelation 4:8 – the 4 living creatures around the Throne declare “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” and the Word says they NEVER cease, DAY and NIGHT.  For me, realizing that this is what they do for ALL eternity…kind of puts singing “You are my King” 12 times into perspective.  It’s not because of “liking” a song…it’s simply declaring Truth and because He is worthy!

There are days when I’m not “feeling it”.  You know what I’m talking about.  You have days when you’re getting ready for church, worship, whatever and you’re like “meh, I’ll go sit in the seat because that’s what I’m supposed to do”.  I have those days too…only I’m behind my keyboard with your eyes on me.  I’m not a fan of the “fake it til you make it” teaching because I desire to be authentic.  I am, however, a huge fan of Psalm 100:4 “Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise!  Give thanks to Him; bless His name!”  If you take but a moment to lift your eyes off of your circumstances & choose to be thankful for all He has provided, you can sing “Blessed Be His Name” even when it feels like all hell is crushing in on you!  Again, He is worthy regardless of what’s going on in our lives!

There are times I have to remind myself - this is not about you and it’s not about me.  Times when my throat is scratchy from allergies, when my foot is cramping from standing behind the keyboard for over an hour, when someone has said something so hurtful I just want to be alone and cry - this isn't about any of those things.  It’s about Him!  The uncreated God of the universe, who created us and gave us life, who CHOOSES to LOVE us…He also longs to hear our voices & see our faces!  And He loves our weak love, and loves to hear our weak “yes”.  He is Worthy of all worship!  Not just the songs we sing, but of lovers of Him to live lives of complete obedience and reckless abandon!

I count it an honor and privilege to serve God and His people.  He knows exactly how terribly short I fall each and every day, yet He blesses me with opportunities to serve Him!  

Death, where is your sting?!

The older I get, the more aware I am that there are so many times in life that it just stinks to be an adult.  Since the beginning of 2015, I have been reminded of this.  My parents had a couple that were their best friends for as long as I can remember…their friends went to our home church, they came to every birthday party, supported every mission trip I went on both in finances & cards, letters, etc., called on a regular basis “just to check up”.

In February, after she had recovered from a severe illness, he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and not given a good prognosis.  This is my father’s best friend.  And since my mom died, they’ve been even closer.  Since Dad can’t drive, he has picked him up for church & other meetings they go to together.  The hard part of being an adult?  When I explained for the 3rd time (traumatic brain injury) to my dad that the prognosis wasn’t good & my father looked at me with misty eyes and said “So you’re saying he’s dying?  I’m losing my best friend?”  And I replied “Unless God intervenes with supernatural healing, yes, he will die from this cancer”. 

Earlier this week, after she had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks, she didn’t survive this past illness.  So, tonight I will be going to my mom’s best friend’s visitation…and I will watch my dad try to console his best friend who has lost his wife and doesn’t seem to be winning his battle with cancer. 

Sometimes, life just stinks.  It just does.  But, I can choose joy and I will choose joy.  Though I will mourn with Terry, I will still choose joy.  How?  Because I know that Mary Ellen is worshiping at Jesus’ feet!  And I know that my mom and her best friend have been reunited!  And I know that one day, I’ll be with them too.  I will choose joy because I can proclaim 1 Corinthians 15:55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”!  So grateful for the Father’s love and Jesus’ obedience on the cross!! 

Ten years ago today...

I heard someone on the news talking about the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  Then I realized that 10 years ago today, I was on a plane on my way to China.  Wow!  10 years!  Is it possible for 10 years to seem like the blink of an eye & also feel like 2 lifetimes all at the same time??  I hope so, because that's where I am!

Ten years ago right now, I was flying for the first time in my life!  I remember how the pilot on one flight said we'd made good time & arrived early because of Katrina (tailwinds or something).  I remember that on the last leg of the journey - the flight from Tokyo to Guangzhou - I started feeling really sick.  I mean, the smells of the food we'd been served made me nauseous.  I couldn't hardly make myself eat the food, which left me hungry.  Throw in some turbulence and exhaustion...and I was done!  Seriously, I was done.  On the last flight, I had it out with God.  I told Him, in no uncertain terms, that the moment we landed & I got my luggage, I was putting a return flight on my credit card and staying at the airport until I flew home.  There was no way I could do this...I am not adventurous enough to eat foods that the smells make me sick.  I could not live a year where I couldn't understand the language (I already couldn't understand the flight attendants).  Others on my team had a shared history, so not only was I feeling bad, but I was already the odd-man out...and we hadn't even landed yet.  So I waited until the light changed signaling I could go to the restroom, walked back there, threw up and then bawled my eyes out and threw up again.

The more I told God I was going back home, the less nauseous I felt.  I figured that meant I had God's approval & it was His peace.  I thought He must have been testing my faith like He did with Abraham...just seeing if I was truly willing to make the sacrifice He asked, then at the last minute He was saying He wouldn't hold me to it.  As I walked back up the aisle and took my seat, I could see beautiful city lights.  The pilot began to speak (not in English)...the only word I understood was "Guangzhou" ...the city I was to live in.  I looked out the window at the lights again and heard God, in His still, small voice, say, "This is why you're here.  Take a good look.  There are MILLIONS living in this city.  They don't know Me.  Some have never even heard of My Name.  And they WILL spend eternity in Hell when they die if they don't know Me.  You have to tell them about Me."   Then He said "Yes, this is going to be a hard year.  Yes, you're going to feel left out at times.  Yes, there will be times you will cry out to Me fearing I've forsaken you.  That's because you're still living on Earth.  This is life, there are seasons.  Yes, this year will be more intense because you're away from all you know and all that is familiar.  But know this, the fire is where purification takes place.  It will be hard, you will want to quit, but I am with you.  My Word's still true - I will NEVER leave or forsake you.  And I love you!  I want you to share My love with others this year just as you do at home, but know that I am drawing you even closer to Me...  I am jealous for your heart and I will take full advantage of the fact that you're physically away from all you know & love to show you My love, to grow you in Me, to become your best friend, to become the 1st One you turn to.  Yes, this year will be hard, but I promise you will be blessed as well.  And, I love you and will never leave you!  Do you trust Me?"  Well, He'd never not kept His Word to me before, so I had to trust Him.

So, when the plane landed, we got our 3000 pounds of luggage - or maybe it was 2-70 lb suitcases & 2 carry-ons :), met teammates I'd only met online prior to that night and got on a bus that took us to our apartment.  It was around midnight, I was starved, exhausted and still an emotional wreck.  I remember a couple of us going to the C-store across the street - I got Pringles & a Coke Light.  Ahh, a little comfort. :)  I remember calling Mom to let her know we'd landed & "yes, I promise I'm fine".  Yeah, it was a lie you tell your Momma when you're on the other side of the world so she doesn't freak out.  I think I cried myself to sleep while feeling extremely claustrophobic in the bottom bunk and more emotional than I'd felt in a long time. lol

No, the year was not easy.  But, I did fall even more in love with Jesus than I thought possible.  And God continued to keep His Word - He never left me.  Every tear, every sniffle, every doubt, every giggle, every "arrgghhh" moment, He was right there with me.  And though it wasn't easy, I am forever thankful that I followed when I heard His voice.

Pressure...

A few years ago I was at a conference.  The session had just ended in prayer and the group I was with was deciding lunch plans.  All of the sudden, I could see this picture before me so clearly.  I could still see everyone around me and I could hear them talking to me, but I couldn't answer them, I HAD to see what God was showing me.  I suppose this was an “open vision” or whatever you might choose to call it.  I know I've had dreams, visions and words from the Lord, but I can tell you this has stuck in my remembrance for years.

While I was sitting in the chair in the auditorium, all of the sudden I could see an autopsy table before me, think the stainless steel tables you see on CSI.  Then, I saw Jesus standing, leaning over the table.  I moved closer to see what He was doing.  Then I saw that there was a heart lying on the autopsy table.  I knew that it was mine.  And I was overwhelmed with the reality that this was all I had to offer Jesus, my heart and all that was within it.  To begin with, I was at peace with this reality because I've known Him since a young age and have walked with Him since then.  I saw Jesus pick up a scalpel in His right hand and my heart in His left.  I was still at peace.  He made an incision down the middle of the heart and turn upside down so that the opening was facing the table.  I just knew that whatever came out was all I had to offer Him (the jewels in the crown I will throw at His feet).  All of the sudden, I realized no pretty jewels were falling out onto the table.  Instead, all I could see were these horrible black lumps of coal.  I was crushed.  I started to try to tell Jesus how sorry I was, that I was so genuinely surprised to see that come out of my heart.  He motioned me to come closer.  I shook my head, refusing to be closer to Him.  He motioned for me to come closer again, with this patient insistence.  So, I walked closer until I was standing next to Him.

His gaze directed me to look at the coal on the autopsy table.  It was then that I saw each lump of coal had writing on it….each had a different sin written… “pride”, “lying”, “lust”, “bitterness”, just to name a few.  I was appalled at the contents of my heart.  There were sins that I honestly thought I had truly repented of and dealt with.  Then, as I was weeping, staring at the coal, Jesus reached His right hand down to the table.  He picked up a piece of coal and started squeezing it in the palm of His hand.  Immediately I said “NO, Jesus!  You can’t!  You can’t touch my sins!  You can’t get dirty handling my sins!”  He said “Just wait and see.”  He just kept squeezing his fist while I kept weeping.  After what seemed to be an eternity, He turned to face me and held out His hand.  I turned away, I didn't want to see His hand dirty from that coal, my sin.  He told me “It’s OK, just take a look”.  When I looked at His hand, I saw one of the most beautiful diamonds shining, glistening in the light!  Oh how beautiful!  I immediately picked up a piece of coal from the table and began squeezing it in my palm, I didn't want Him to touch anymore of my sins and I wanted beautiful stones to give Him.  But when I looked at my hand, it was just black and dirty.  And the dirt kept moving up my arm.  I looked at Jesus’ arm and realized, for the first time, His hand and arm were spotless…no coal dust was there.  So, I squeezed my hand tighter.  The dirt kept moving up and the coal was not changing. 

Jesus reached out, opened my hand and took the coal.  He began His process again, squeezing His fist, and another beautiful stone was the result!  Then He leaned in and said “It only works when I’m the one to do this.  You can’t cleanse sins, you can’t take the dirty coal and turn it into beautiful gems.  When you allow me to apply pressure, though, that’s when the transformation happens.  You kept crying out for me to not touch your sins, but don’t you remember, My beloved?  I took on your sin 2000 years ago.  I became sin so that this process could take place!”  By this time, I was a sobbing heap on the floor at His feet.  “Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me!  You deserve so much more than the coal/sin in my heart, please take them away!  Please make them beautiful so that You may have a beautiful crown!”  He pulled me up off of the floor and told me again how important the pressure is to change the coal into diamond.  How many times I think that the pressure is simply useless attacks from Satan, and while Jesus isn't causing evil, He is allowing it so that the transforming pressure can occur.

Then He began picking up my sins one at a time, applying pressure and turning them into beautiful gemstones.  When every piece of coal had been transformed into a gorgeous stone, He picked up my heart and began placing the stones, one by one, back into my heart.  Then He handed me my heart and told me to remember to run to Him in the times of great pressure, to give my sin to Him so that He could transform it.

My prayer, for you and me, is that when the hard times come, when the pressures of this life become intense, we would turn to Him.  Take all of our heart to Him, don’t hide anything back, but let Him do His transforming work.  

#Godissogood

Most of you know we've had a very eventful 3 weeks or so at my house.  Dad had a heart attack on June 12.  They attempted a cardiac cath at the first hospital we were transferred to, and then we transferred to Barnes in St. Louis.  At Barnes, we found out they had really done a lot of damage to Dad’s heart at the smaller hospital, so we had to wait for him to heal before trying to place a stent again.  Then he lost most of his strength & had to stay in a rehab/therapy program.

In the midst of all of this with Dad, I ended up with a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in my lung).  I had (what I thought was) a really bad Charley horse (which I get often), but my leg never quit cramping for 4 days.  So by the time I got home to my nurse practitioner, we found the clot in my lung.  Ahh…life.

I tried to post regularly on Facebook about everything taking place, because we were blessed with so many people praying for us that I couldn't keep everyone updated without Facebook.  I tried to convey how grateful we were/are for the prayers every time.  And because I’m young at heart J, I used hashtags in my posts.

Most of the hashtags had to do with being thankful, grateful that God has been with us through everything.  One that I used was “#Godissogood”, another was “#soblessed”.  I received a few messages from people with the main theme being that they were glad God was answering our prayers the way we wanted them, because their own family situations had not had good outcomes.  So, I wanted to clarify something.

The people that sent me messages were not mean people, they are hurting people.  People that prayed and feel as though their prayers went unheard by God.  Yes, I am thankful that Daddy & I are both still alive, and seem to be on good paths for getting back to normal.  But here’s the deal – I would still be blessed and God would still be good even if the outcomes were different!  God is always good!  Psalm 136:1 says “Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!  For His mercy endures forever.”  And Deuteronomy 31:6  tells us “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you”.  The circumstances in my life do not change God’s goodness!  Nor should they change my thankfulness to Him!  And I have His promise that He will not leave me…He’ll be with me no matter what is going on.

My mom had ovarian cancer and suffered tremendously until she saw Jesus face to face.  Through all of that, God was still good!  In the moments after she passed and I missed her and my heart hurt, He was still good!  If my dad hadn't survived his heart attack, God would still be good, and I would still thank Him for His mercy.  If my blood clot had ruptured and things ended differently, God would still be near and He would still be good!

Yes, there will be times in this life when life just stinks and is hard!  It’s reality, we live in a fallen world.  Sometimes circumstances will make it hard to thank Him, hard to trust Him.  But until He fails to honor His word to me, I will choose to be thankful – regardless of the circumstances.  And I will keep telling others that I know that #Godissogood and I am #soblessed because of His great love!

Jesus Lessons from a Toddler

I haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time with my nephew lately due to busy schedules.  When I do see him, I stretch my arms out as wide as I can reach and say “Aunt Mere loves you THIIIISSSS much!”, or here lately since he’s a little older, I will ask him “How much does Aunt Mere love you?”  And since he was an infant, I have sang him his special made-up song (to the tune of Buffalo Gals) “Ryan is my favorite boy (x3), he’s Aunt Mere’s favorite boy”.   One day this week I picked up my nephew from daycare to take him home.  He was all excited to see Aunt Mere and hugged my neck tightly as I carried him to the car.  As I was buckling him into his car seat, I said “Hey, Ryan, I have a question for you.”  Before I could finish my statement and begin to ask my question, he stretched out his arms & says “TIISS much!” with a big grin on his face!  I told him he was right, I do love him that much!  Then while we were driving down the street, I looked into the rear-view mirror to find Ryan looking at me.  I said “Hey, Ryan, who’s Aunt Mere’s favorite boy?”  He smiled really big into the mirror & said “RYAN!!”

I realized that Ryan, as a 2 ½-year-old, has heard that Aunt Mere loves him “thiiiissss much” so many times that he doesn’t have any need to question it.  And he hasn’t just heard it, I do my best to show him that I love him.  And he’s heard since before he could speak that he is my favorite boy in the whole entire world, so he has no reason to doubt that he’s my favorite.

This is how it is with God.  I can boldly say that I’m His favorite one, His chosen one, His beloved because He’s told me so frequently of His great love for me.  Now, yes, He’s God, so He can have more than one favorite…that’s how God works.  But I’m important to Him.  He tells me this in His Word.  I hear His voice in times of prayer and worship.  He died on the cross for ME!  That’s how important I am to Him, He laid down His life for me!

So, I will take my cue from Ryan.  The next time someone asks me how I know I’m not being presumptuous of God’s love for me, or arrogant for singing that I’m “His favorite one”, I’ll just let them know it’s because He’s told me so many times and showed me in so many ways that I cannot believe anything to the contrary!

Be Still...

Crazy! Hectic! Busy! How many times do we hear these terms describing life? How many times do we use them? "Oh, I wanted to call you, but life's just been so busy lately, I'll try to call when I get more time!" "Ugh, I wish life would just slow down and quit being so hectic. I have no free time!" Yeah, you've heard it, and most likely said it too.

These questions keep sticking in the back of my mind: "Are we really supposed to be this busy all of the time? Did God really intend for our lives to be so chaotic?" There are seasons in our life when circumstances beyond our control dictate our schedule, I'm not discounting that. However, how many times do we really HAVE to be at EVERY activity on our schedule? I look at my own calendar and think "Wow, something's gotta give. There are not enough hours in the day!"

I've noticed that when my own schedule is booked to over-flowing and I over-commit myself, my body and mind usually become run-down. And, when I'm spread too thin, not one of my commitments is really getting all of me - just the part that I can spare.

I definitely believe this flows into our spiritual lives too. How many times do we say "I would love to be able to read my Bible, do a devotion and spend time in prayer every day, but I just don't have enough time"? Do we really have less time than those who have gone before us? We live in an age of convenience and technology. The people in the Bible did not have the technology that we do - they didn't have the scrolls on their phone, IPAD or laptop. And they didn't have commutes in which they could either read the Word on said devices or listen to the Bible or devotion while driving to work. How is it that they could memorize entire books of the Bible, yet we have trouble finding time to read a few verses?

Here's my theory: I think, in large part, our lack of time has to do with our priorities, as well as man's opinion of us. We put too much emphasis on activities that have no real bearing on eternity. And, for those of us involved in the Church, we have a tendency to be over-involved in good works that we may not have even been called to do. I think we've forgotten the words of the Lord in Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

I fear we are a generation who has forgotten how to "be still". We are so used to living in this "microwave, have it in 30 seconds or less" society that we don't know how to "be still" before God. So, we wait for a whole minute, and when we don't hear an answer, we start becoming busy. I also think that when it comes to family and church family, we too often fear what someone will say about us if we're not present for every activity, every party, every event. If my missing a birthday party or one night of group study to have an evening of being still before the Lord is lowering their opinion of me, then they probably don't love me as much as they pretend they do. If they really do love me, they'll want me to be at peace with God above all else.

I know that life is busy, but by over-extending ourselves, we're not just cheating others. I fear we're not just cheating ourselves either, but we're also cheating God. There's a reason He told us to "be still and know that I am God". He desires for us to spend time with Him. He longs for the times when we are simply still before Him, just spending time in His presence.

Now it's time for me to go check my schedule and see where I can make more time for being "still" and less for the "busyness" that God didn't intend for me anyway!

What if I'm wrong....

The longer I'm alive, the more I'm aware of how much I know and keenly aware of how much I don't know. Especially when it comes to theology, religions, etc. I long ago discovered that those within the Christian faith have many different beliefs and ideas. Even with those differences, most of them fall into the category of believing that there is 1 God. He is exists in the beauty of the Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Spirit...three parts in perfect unity. Most believe that God (the Father) sent Jesus (the Son) who died on the cross so that we may be forgiven of our sins. And once we've confessed our sins and proclaimed Jesus as Lord of our life, the Holy Spirit dwells within us for the remainder of our time on this earth. How this knowledge is applied to our every day life and how it affects us begins to break up the different denominations within the Christian faith.


In the past few years, I've realized I have more friends that are atheist or agnostic than ever before. I read the emails, comments and links provided by my friends. And at times, I get to thinking...what if I'm the one who's got it all wrong? What if there is no God? What if there is no life after this?

So, what if I'm wrong? If my friends are right, and there is no life after this present one, when I die, my body will be buried (or cremated) and nothing more will happen. That's it...I'm just dead. Game over. The sacrifices I've made to live a "Godly" life mean nothing because there's no eternity. The tough times I've gone through in this life were many times in vain because how I reacted and dealt with the realities in my life didn't really matter. Trying to maintain love and joy during difficult times was really stupidity on my part. Yes, I should still try to be a good person, as society dictates, but there was no real reason for me to not be bitter, angry, full of hate. When my mom suffered through almost 3 years of cancer treatments and then died, I may as well have just been angry. When I remain single because I'm waiting for the best guy for me instead of settling, I should really just settle and then be filled with hatred. When I don't understand the circumstances of my life, I might as well choose to react out of bitterness because, after all, this was not how I thought my life would be!

But wait. If I'm angry my mom died, filled with hate over being single and bitter because of circumstances, WHAT am I angry with? WHO am I hating and bitter toward? This part confuses me. Am I mad at other people? Do I hate "the universe" because all of the cells that conglomerated in the Big Bang and evolved into humanity as we know it had apparently plotted against me? If I didn't believe there's a higher power anywhere, upon whom do I take out all of that rage and anger?

For argument's sake, though, let's say that I'm not wrong. Let's say that there is a God. He's in control and things in life don't happen for no reason. Let's say that He has a reason for the way that things go. Yes, bad things do happen...and even to His people who strive to live a life for Him. Sometimes, it seems especially to those who live for Him. What if the Bible is true? What if bad things happen because we live in a world that sin entered? What if He really did send His Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for every individual's sins? What if He allows trials and tests to take place so that, as the Bible says, will draw near to Him, will learn to trust Him?

What if I'm not wrong and when these bodies die, it isn't really over? What if there really is a Heaven and Hell? What if He really meant it when He said in the Bible that there's no way to Heaven except by asking forgiveness and making Him the lord of our lives? What if, when this body dies, He really is the Judge, that He says He will be, and if you don't make Him lord of your life, believe in Him and live a life for Him, He really will send your soul to Hell for all eternity?

Those are some pretty big "what if's". And I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to be on the wrong side of this one! If I'm the one who's wrong and there's really no God (I guess I made Him up), then what harm has been done? I've lived a good, clean life and die contentedly....and my body rots and that's it. But what if you're wrong? When you die, if you haven't accepted Him, you'll pay for it for all eternity in Hell.

The good news? If you're still breathing, it's not too late to confess you've sinned against Him, ask His forgiveness, turn away from your sins (with His help of course) and make Jesus the Lord of your life!!

June 12th, My Momma, Carol & Heaven's gain

Well, it's June 12th. A date more commonly known at our house as "Momma's birthday". Sometimes it's hard to believe this is the second June 12th that she's not here with us. Other times, well, some days it seems like it's been soo long since I've seen her, given her a hug or heard her voice. My pastor told me once (regarding a different issue) that "time callouses all wounds". I think it's true, though. I mean, some hurts I don't know that we "heal" from, we don't necessarily "get over" them, but God helps us to make a new "normal" for ourselves. And, over time, those stings that we feel in this life just sting a little bit less.

I'm not saying I don't miss my momma. Don't get me wrong. I miss her a lot. But, I was blessed with parents and grandparents that were such good teachers, and they taught us that death is a natural part of life. And as sure as you're born, you will die. It happens. And for those of us still living, life has to go on. We can't just curl up in a ball and quit life, we have to keep going. And I know my mom wouldn't want me to crawl into a corner and quit. She told me as much herself! She also told me that she might be selfish, but she was secretly a little glad to know that I'd cry tears after she was gone. She wasn't glad she'd be leaving us, nor that we'd miss her so much & our hearts would hurt, but she was being honest. And honestly, who doesn't want to know that they're deeply missed because they were deeply loved?!

In other news tonight, I got a message a few hours ago that my friend Carol, who also battled ovarian cancer, finished her fight Saturday evening. I only knew her for 10 months, but in those 10 months, she became such a good friend. And a family member, as she's part of God's family! I will miss her too!

I have to be honest and say that I am grateful that both Momma & Carol are not suffering from their horrid disease any longer! And I'm jealous of them both - that they're in the presence of God right now!

I've studied the Bible my whole life. And after my grandparents died, I started studying what it says about Heaven a little closer. And when Mom got sick, I started studying even harder. Today....I still don't understand how things work in Heaven. I think I understand that we will know people from this life, and we will continue to meet new people. I don't think people in Heaven can see us down here as I don't know how that works with the "no tears" policy Heaven has. I fear that my loved ones there would be sad when they witness me screwing up and sinning yet again. I could be wrong...but that's my current conclusion. :)

I really do believe that we'll continue to make new friends, though. And I can almost see my mom and Carol meeting. They'll be able to share their victory stories of having won their battles with ovarian cancer. Yes, they did die and leave their Earthly bodies...but the beauty in that, they're completely healed now! No more cancer! God wins! And for that fact, I wouldn't wish for either of them to come back. As my pastor said at Mom's funeral "we wouldn't wish for her to come back from Heaven, because even if she had a perfectly healthy body, she would still have to die again one day".

So, yeah, I miss my momma. And I already miss my friend. But, it makes that song I grew up singing in church "Heaven's getting sweeter every day" seem all the more true. The more years I live on this Earth, the more treasures I have in Heaven!

For those of you who never knew my Mom...here's a pic of her on her 58th birthday!

Resurrection Day...

Another Easter has passed. I prefer calling it Resurrection Day, but even within the Church it seems hard to get away from calling it "Easter". I love this holiday. I love knowing that my Savior physically died on a cross for me. I know that it was for all humanity, and I know that He was completing His Father's Will. but that doesn't change the fact that He did it for ME! How humbling is that!

but that's not the end of the story! He was laid in the tomb on Friday, but on Sunday - He came back! He defeated Hell and the grave! Yeah, my physical body will die one day..."all flesh is grass...the grass withers away". But my spirit won't stay with the dead flesh I will one day shed. He came back in His resurrected body. And I will get one of those one day too! All because He made it possible 2000 years ago!

And I think the one of the things that blows my mind the most (although a lot of things blow my mind) is that He's going to keep that physical form FOREVER! We know that when He saw the people after His resurrection and before the ascension, He had a body that was flesh and bones. Do you know what that means?! In Heaven, right now, there is a God-Man (Jesus) interceding in prayer on our behalf before His Father! Fully God, fully man. I don't pretend to know how that works, but I know that everytime I study the Scripture, it resonates with the spirit inside of me!

And what's even more awesome - He's not staying in Heaven! He's coming back again!!! He's coming back on that Great & Terrible Day of the Lord. He's coming back to claim His inheritance - the nations! The ones He's been praying for to the Father! He's coming back to claim His Bride!

I can't imagine what it would have been like to be one of the people who saw Jesus in His resurrected body after watching Him be crucified. But I know something that would have been hard for them to grasp....I know the end of the story!! The story didn't end when He died on the cross, it didn't end when He come back that Sunday, it didn't end when He ascended into Heaven. He's coming back! The story is still taking place! He loves us, He's praying for us and He's coming back for us! Oh what joy that fills my soul at the thought of it all!!!

Sin Again?? Really??

Why can't I seem to get a grasp on this sinning thing?! Really!! I've been following the Lord since I was 10 and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. So, wouldn't one think that by age 31, I'd have this sin mess figured out? I've been following Him for a little over 2/3 of my life...I mean, if you've done something for 2/3 of your life, you should have it down, right?

Well, honestly, I don't think anyone gets it down completely. I don't think we'll truly accomplish that until we see Him face to face. What I do know (and there are almost too many Scriptures to try to pick one) is that He forgives my sin. Even if I mess up everyday, He still forgives me because He loves me. And He's in the grace business. I John 1:8-9 "8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Oh the faithfulness and justice of the Lord!! Oh how thankful I am for Him & His love!!

Does this mean I stop striving for a life without sin? No! I will strive for that until I meet Him in the flesh! Paul explains in Romans 7 how we know God's law, but our flesh takes us where we don't want to go and into things we don't want to do.

Sometimes I'm very thankful that I'm the only one that reads my blog...my own online diary. I know that this is a bunch of ramblings typed out, partly due to a sleeping pill kicking in (haha). But partly because this is how my brain works when I'm working things out with the Lord. He is able to follow the bunny trails that my brain takes! Actually, He knows where my thoughts are going before I do. And He gently guides me through all of these trails until I see Truth. He leads me through His Word to Truth. He leads me unto Himself - Truth! And I know that regardless of how garbled my thoughts may be, He is my Rock. He's the One who is Truth. I can always come back to the fact that He loves me, He died on the cross bearing my sins so that I may be forgiven, and that He will never leave me. He will continue guiding me on the path that leads me closer to Him. Some days I'll do better than others. Some days I'll fall a lot harder than others. Some days my mood will be better than others. But I know that no matter what's going on with me, He is unchanging! His love, forgiveness, grace and presence will never change, never leave, never go away!! And for that, I'm so thankful!!!

Faith persists...

How many times have you been asked to pray for some one's healing? How many times by the same person for the same thing?

If you attend church regularly or are a member of a church body, you've most likely been asked to pray for the same person multiple times, and many times for the same healing.

I've spent time pondering this and in discussion with the Lord on this area this past week. I know that I'm a bit close to the subject, so I want to fully disclose up-front that I may be skewing what I've heard from the Lord. I don't think this is the case, but I'm human, so I'm aware of the possibility.

Here's the situation that made me start thinking this week. I have fibromyalgia, acid reflux, degenerative arthritis, chronic sinusitis, as well as multiple food and drug allergies. I'm not whining, I'm just stating. None of these things are life-threatening (well except the allergies ha) and if I take my medicine, I can mange. And some days I feel lots better than other days. But I want to be healed of these things, I desperately do. So every time I'm with a body of believers and I feel that gentle tug of the Holy Spirit telling me to ask for prayers for healing, I do. I believe the Bible to be the written Word of God. So when I read James 4:2 "You do not have because you do not ask God." or Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." I have to believe that God truly meant I need to ask Him for what I have need of, that I need to boldly come before His throne asking for Him to meet my needs. And I know that He also says that in James 5:16 "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective". So if this is true, I need as many righteous people praying. There are many other Scripture that support sharing our prayer needs with one another, lifting one another up in prayer and bearing with one another.

So, why is it that when someone in the Body of Christ asks for prayer (albeit a repeated one), we may roll our eyes, or even ask "Are you STILL having trouble with that?" or "Wow! what ISN'T wrong with you?" I know that these things happen within the Body because I've had each of these done to me within the past 2 weeks. I'm not pointing fingers or placing blame, just something that God pointed out to make me aware. I've been guilty of doing the same thing myself. Being asked to pray for the same person, for the same thing for the umpteenth time and thinking to myself "ugh, why do they just keep asking?" I think we all do that because it's human nature. Plus, when we're healthy, it's easy to not understand the person's issue. Or when we're dealing with pain of our own, it's easy for the thought to pop into our heads "you're not so special, this is a fallen world and we all have pains that we have to live through. I'm pushing through mine silently, so why don't you quit complaining?" We may not say that out loud, but even though I'm not a betting person, I'd wager that thought has entered into many people's mind...even if but for a moment.

I don't know why I hurt and don't feel good. I don't know why my family has a long line of various illnesses and disease. I have prayed regarding generational things and, thus far, the Lord hasn't shown me anything in that area. I do know, though, that I come from a strong lineage of people who didn't just claim to be Christians, but walked it out in their everyday life, in the mundane moments. And I know that many of them heard the same words I've heard and saw the same eye-rolls I've seen when they asked God for their healings. Some of them received their healings on Earth, others in that glorious moment they entered into God's Presence.

I guess the biggest reason this weighed so heavily upon my heart is because of what I heard the Lord say. I heard Him say that this is part of the reason we are not seeing the healings that He spoke of. Remember, He said that we'd do "even greater works than these" and He was raising up bodies from the dead! Did you ever notice, though, that healings took place when the people went to Jesus, or had people go on their behalf, believing Jesus could heal them? If we want to compare ourselves to others and deem them as big babies, we may be keeping them from receiving a healing, and ourselves from the tremendous reward of blessing of our faith. If we don't pray because we're just tired of praying for that person's healing of the same thing, well, that doesn't say much for our perseverance, does it?

I don't want the reason that we aren't seeing healing take place to be that we are insensitive to people that ask for our prayers. Yes, my feelings were hurt this week. I'll get over it. God will give me the strength to forgive the person, whether they even realized their actions or words were hurtful. I will get over it. But I know that I've been blessed by those generations who have gone before me, loving the Lord in good times and in bad. I know that God answered their prayers and strengthened them. I know that He blessed their persistence to keep coming before His Throne. I've served my Lord for more than 2/3 of my life and He's proven Himself over and over to me. So I know that He will be faithful...it's written all over my past with Him.

But what about the new believer? Or the non-believer? It takes a certain element of humility to ask God for a healing for ourselves. So often we allow ourselves to be disqualified because we know of someone much worse off than we are. But I think it takes a different level of humility to ask other people to pray for a healing. Not only are we acknowledging our dependency on the Lord, but we're also acknowledging our co-dependency upon His body - the one that He engineered. He specifically puts other believers into our lives so that we have a brother or sister to encourage us along the way.

This week, I pray, that the Lord helps us by making us aware of our reactions to people when being asked to pray for healing. That we would not be found comparing ourselves to them...rather than silently pushing through our own pain, why don't we also ask, in turn, for prayers for our own healing? That we may be found lifting one another before the Throne of God, asking for healings because we don't want to be guilty of "having not because we ask not". That even though we may not see immediate healing, we keep pressing in, we keep pushing into His Presence.

In this world, there will be pain and strife. God's already promised us that. And some of us may never receive a healing on this Earth. And we have to come to terms with that...work that out with the Lord...that He's God, He's Sovereign, He chooses who gets healed and who doesn't. But that's His job, not ours. I'm reminded of what He's told me many times before "I didn't tell you to go around healing people, I simply asked you to pray that I heal them, healing is My job."

So as for me and my house, we will continue to contend for healings!

Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On

I'm a news junkie. It's true. I feel like I'm in a support group. Hello. My name is Meredith and I am a news junkie. At least one television in my house may be found on a news station roughly 20 hours per day. If I am not at home, you will find me checking news sources via internet either on my laptop or my android. I like to be kept informed. It's a part of who I am. I don't like to be left in the dark...I want to know what's going on.

I also like to keep updated on the news so that I know how to be praying. Holy Spirit does guide us in our prayers, I'm not discounting His role in praying at all. I guess, though, for the times I'm not hearing Him clearly, I like to see the specifics.

In case you're not a news junkie like me...let me tell you of a few things going on.

• America's economy is collapsing. Yeah, we've had a little improvement recently...I think I heard unemployment claims were dropping. I have my own theory on this though...I think some people have hit the time limit on unemployment benefits.
• Egypt is in some massive turmoil. Right now as I type, they're waiting for Pres Mubarak to make a statement that he's going to be stepping down as president. This causes a lot of concern because an election should take place in 60 days and, from what I hear, the only group that's organized enough to win an election is The Muslim Brotherhood. If you're unfamiliar with the Muslim Brotherhood - as many are - here's their creed: "Allah is our objective, the prophet is our leader, the Koran is our law, Jihad is our way, dying in the way of Allah is our highest hope." Yeah...that's the wonderful peace-loving way of Islam...but I digress.
• Australia has a lot of land under water, as they've been hit with storms and a cyclone. Brazil has been hit with floods. Places within America have faced weather than is uncommon for their regions. These are just a few in the list of natural disasters that have been taking place in, what seems to me, a much more frequent rate than in the past.

These are just a few things that I'm seeing. Right now, the biggest thing being aired on the news is Mubarak's stepping down in Egypt. As I watch the news, especially over the past year and past few months, I keep hearing the verses from Hebrews 12 resonate in my spirit.
26 At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”[e] 27 The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain. 28 Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29 for our “God is a consuming fire.”
I keep hearing "shakings". God has promised that He will shake the Earth once again. He will shake away everything that is not built on Him. He loves us too much to let us continue building upon faulty foundations. It is out of His great love and mercy that He shakes away/destroys all that "can be shaken". Anything that is not based in Him and on His Word can and WILL be shaken. He's promised already us that much.
I see so many Americans worried about the economy. Don't get me wrong...I have my moments too. What if the economy totally collapses? What if I can't buy food to feed my family? How do I continue to live comfortably when I know the homeless rate is growing at alarmingly high rates? Am I prepared to live through, what may very well become, the greatest depression my nation faces? I have only one answer to my questions. I hear Holy Spirit reminding me of Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” I know that regardless, I will be OK. The Lord will be with me, and He assures it will be OK. Even if things were get to our 'worst case scenario' and conditions become so bad that I lose my physical life, I'm more than OK because I'm with Him in that moment!
What concerns me the most is that I fear many Americans (and other nations...I watched the riots in Europe, but this is where I live) put their faith in America's economy even moreso than the Lord. I believe that's why He's been shaking the economies of the world...He's shaking as a wake-up call. I can almost hear Him "Hello? Wake up! It's time that you quit putting your faith into man-made systems. I promise that all you truly need is Me! I love you too much to not try to wake you up & catch your attention! I love you! I created you! Put your faith in Me!"
I saw many people turn to the Church and the Father when the economy was on such a downward slope recently. But what saddens me is that I've also seen many start to breathe easier and quit turning to the Father as the economy showed signs of improvement. It's almost like the days after 9/11. I saw so many people crying out to God for comfort, peace and safety. And once it seemed that our nation was once again safe, people became lulled into a false peace that told them they didn't need to cry out to God. I honestly believe this means there will be another shaking coming. And God is a good Father. Like any good parent, if what He did before didn't get your attention, He will increase the intensity next time. He's done it before...ever hear of the Israelites - His Chosen People? It's what He does to those He loves...He gets our attention in whatever way it takes!
This is what leads me to pray. I pray for those in my nation. I pray that they will turn to the Father rather than institutions of man. I pray that those who are His Children now will begin to pray! And that we, as His voices on Earth, would begin to share what we're hearing when we pray! That we would become voices in the wilderness. That we would truly be lights in the darkness! That the hearts of the people would turn to the Father!!

That time again...

Yep, it's that time again. It's getting close to my birthday. On Sunday, I shall become 31-year-old! As per norm, I take my birthday as a time to reflect upon my life, the paths I've taken, decisions made, changes in circumstances and my growth in God.

This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.

I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.

OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!

So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.

Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!

Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!

Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!

Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.

Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!

I'm done with it all!

I'm done with it all! Really. I'm done! I'm done with letting people decide my worth. I'm done with letting the approval or rejection of man define who I am. I am done trying to do what I think people want me to do. I am done living my life trying to receive praises and avoid rejection of people - even those that I love and love me.

My identity is determined by God and not by people! If I could keep my brain and heart wrapped around that fact, I'd be in good shape. And if I could get other people to realize that, I'd be in better shape. Or maybe it's just that I need to remind myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter.

It's amazing how we, even as followers of Christ, let people's opinions of us count so much. In Galatians 1:10 Paul asks "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Did you get that one part? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is some serious stuff. He's saying that living for the approval of man can cause us to not be considered a servant of Christ.

I've been learning a lot of really weighty and deep things lately regarding the praises and rejections of man. But I'm not always that deep, so I've had to bring some of these truths down to my level. Here's some of what God's been teaching me.

His opinion is the only one that matters. There will be times that what He's calling me to do make no sense to anyone - even others that follow Him, but I'm still expected to follow Him. If I can allow myself to feel good by the praises of man, I'll surely be deflated by man's rejection.

When the day comes that I'm standing before my Lord - face to face, and I'm required to give an account of how I obeyed/disobeyed Him, how I followed/didn't follow Him and whether or not I've pleased Him - it all boils down to one thing. When I'm standing before my Lord, the opinions of people (even those that I love and that love me) will NOT count for anything. What WILL count is His opinion of me. Knowing that I will stand to give an account before Him encourages me to live my life for Him and only Him, regardless of any opinion of man.