Grief that's Real for Singles Too

Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a couple comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re struggling with fertility issues but desire to have a family? The Church comes up, surrounds them and covers them in prayer, asking God to bless them with a baby. And then after prayer, many of the church come forward with hugs, words of encouragement and telling them it’s OK to cry and grieve. Then they go home together and share their grief with one another, cry together, cry out to God together.

Have you ever noticed what happens in many churches when a single adult comes forward to ask for prayer after sharing they’re lonely and desire to have someone to share life with and one day have a family? The church may pray for God to send them a spouse. Afterwards, some will come give them a hug and word of encouragement, but many of the church will come up to the single person to tell them that “God is their spouse”, they should “learn to be content” and don’t forget “God is more than enough”. Or my personal favorite (that was actually said to me when I was 32, in a not-so-supportive tone) “God may have the right one out there for you. If He does, then you can finally grow up, settle down and learn what REAL problems are.” Yeah, you’ve guessed correctly that this person made the “I'm not gonna shed any tears if her room in God's mansion in Heaven is FAR away from mine” list. Then the single person goes home, feeling more alone than before, and many times cries to God asking Him to forgive them for even having the desire of marriage in the first place. And as we get older, we grieve the fact that we also can’t have a child…our hopes of family are most likely gone. And we cry out to God…alone because we don’t want another lecture about how we need to learn to be content. We want someone to tell us it’s OK to hurt, to cry, to grieve.

I’m not saying that one group’s grief is worse than the other. I’m just pointing out that one group’s grief is validated while the other group is left feeling guilty they grieve in the first place. Single adults make up 50% of the American population. Scan your congregation tomorrow morning. Are 50% of the adults single? I’d wager they’re not. I’m aware there are many different reasons for this. But I’d like to throw out the possibility that the way the church reveres marriage and family as a higher calling than singleness, and the attitude with which each group is treated, might be one of the reasons. And then I would suggest that we love one another with the love of Christ, regardless of our status or station in life, that we truly learn to love one another and be the Body of Christ.

What you might not realize about your worship leader

I’m working on the set list for tonight’s worship & intercession gathering.  And, it’s the 14^th anniversary of 9/11.  And, there have been hearings taking place this week in Washington DC regarding the funding of Planned Parenthood.  And, on a less national level, there are a million other things going on in my life and in the lives of those I love.

And my heart cares about each and every one of these things.  And many times throughout my day, I am in prayer for many of these issues…while still keeping on the task at hand.  Sometimes, though, my heart is broken so deeply that I have to take a break from what I’m doing and simply go before the Throne of God, fall on my knees and weep.  And in the midst of all of this, I have to set aside time to seek His heart for others, to hear what He's wanting to share.

After thinking about a conversation I recently had with a friend, I thought I'd share a few things you might not realize about your worship leader...

First and foremost, I want the Lord’s heart to be heard anytime I’m leading worship.  I take the privilege of leading God’s people into His presence very seriously.  Though it may seem like picking out 6-8 songs is an extremely easy task that can be done in 10 minutes, that’s not how I (or most worship leaders) go about it.  I try to spend time with the Lord, seeking His heart and His direction.  Do I miss the mark at times?  Yes, definitely, I’m human.  But that still doesn’t mean I haven’t sought Him and His heart towards you.

Sometimes when I’m leading, I will hear the Holy Spirit give me a song that I hadn’t originally put in the set…and there will be no words on the screen.  Sometimes I miss it when I’m prepping.  Sometimes, sometimes that’s just how the Holy Spirit moves.  Sometimes it’s a test of my faith…will I follow His leading rather than trust my own?  Sometimes, there’s one person in the midst whose heart needs to be reached.  I don’t pretend to understand why God does what He does, He is God, and I am not.  So, if there aren’t words on the screen and it’s a song you don’t know by heart, don’t check out.  Press in, seek Him.  I’ve had people tell me “I didn’t know that song, so I just prayed and He shared [insert care of His heart] with me…and I was so moved by feeling His heart!”  Want to know something?  Most of the time that was the care of His heart He was sharing with me too! 

Sometimes we will sing the same song (or songs with similar message) more than one time in a month…sometimes even weeks in a row.  God wants to share His heart…always.  And during some seasons, He wants our hearts to be heavily burdened for specific cares of His heart.  Please don’t think me to be lazy and that I simply re-use the set list from last week.  And know that if we’ve done the same song 3 weeks in a row, I’ve probably spent time reminding the Lord of that very fact.  But when I stand before Him, I will not be accountable to you, only to Him.

Sometimes we will sing the same line or chorus multiple times.  This is not because I didn’t plan ahead with enough songs to fill the service, nor is it because I simply like the tune (though I very well may!)  It’s again something I am hearing in my spirit.  I know not everyone likes to sing the same line over and over.  I would encourage you to quit just singing it.  Make it the prayer of your heart.  Remember Revelation 4:8 – the 4 living creatures around the Throne declare “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” and the Word says they NEVER cease, DAY and NIGHT.  For me, realizing that this is what they do for ALL eternity…kind of puts singing “You are my King” 12 times into perspective.  It’s not because of “liking” a song…it’s simply declaring Truth and because He is worthy!

There are days when I’m not “feeling it”.  You know what I’m talking about.  You have days when you’re getting ready for church, worship, whatever and you’re like “meh, I’ll go sit in the seat because that’s what I’m supposed to do”.  I have those days too…only I’m behind my keyboard with your eyes on me.  I’m not a fan of the “fake it til you make it” teaching because I desire to be authentic.  I am, however, a huge fan of Psalm 100:4 “Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise!  Give thanks to Him; bless His name!”  If you take but a moment to lift your eyes off of your circumstances & choose to be thankful for all He has provided, you can sing “Blessed Be His Name” even when it feels like all hell is crushing in on you!  Again, He is worthy regardless of what’s going on in our lives!

There are times I have to remind myself - this is not about you and it’s not about me.  Times when my throat is scratchy from allergies, when my foot is cramping from standing behind the keyboard for over an hour, when someone has said something so hurtful I just want to be alone and cry - this isn't about any of those things.  It’s about Him!  The uncreated God of the universe, who created us and gave us life, who CHOOSES to LOVE us…He also longs to hear our voices & see our faces!  And He loves our weak love, and loves to hear our weak “yes”.  He is Worthy of all worship!  Not just the songs we sing, but of lovers of Him to live lives of complete obedience and reckless abandon!

I count it an honor and privilege to serve God and His people.  He knows exactly how terribly short I fall each and every day, yet He blesses me with opportunities to serve Him!  

Alone...

In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, we're told to "pray without ceasing".  I definitely can't say I've achieved that.  But I do converse with God all throughout my day.  Oh, there are times that are set aside to pray for specific requests...taking my petitions before Him.  There are times that are simply for listening/seeking His Will/direction on specific issues.  But, most of the time, there's just a dialogue going throughout the day.  Sometimes it's about little, seemingly unimportant things.  Other times, when I'm sharing my heart, my thoughts, my feelings on bigger issues....those are times when it gets real.

I find that I spend a lot of time asking the "whys" of it all.  I ask "why?" more now than I ever dreamed of asking when I was a child.  Why is this the way it turned out?  Why is this getting so much harder?  Why aren't You being more clear with the lesson You would have me learn (that I'm apparently not)?  A big "why" that seems to be asked in the past few years is "Why do You see fit to leave me here alone?"

Now, I'm aware that there are other people on the planet...I lived in a large city in China, I'm very aware of how many people are on this Earth!  I'm talking about every day life.  I take care of people, I teach children, I lead worship, I spend time with wonderful family and amazing friends.  I love to serve God and His children in whatever way I can.  I was raised by my parents and grandparents to be kind, courteous and helpful, plus it's part of my personality.  I honestly love to pour out into others, I truly do.

But reality hits when I come home, when I'm exhausted or I'm sick...and I'm alone.  Reality hits when I sit down from leading worship or get into my car after time with friends...I'm alone.  Yes, God is always with me, and I'm forever thankful He never leaves me, but reality is that there is no human here with me to hold me when I feel broken, to hug me when I cry, to bring me medicine when I'm sick or to simply remind me that God has not left me.

I know that I am blessed, and I am truly thankful for family, both natural and through Christ.  I know that I'm blessed to love and be loved.  But, it doesn't change the fact that in many moments when I need human interaction or conversation, I am alone.  When I need someone to talk to about taking care of my dad, when I need someone to listen and then talk me down from the edge of panic, I am still alone.  Yes, I am blessed with family in Christ, but, I'm only seeking to be 100% transparent here, though they love me and do care, their families come first.  I am very aware that in those moments (because it's been pointed out to me), I am distracting them or taking them away from their own family.  So, I am left with the choice to bother someone else or cry out to God...most times never not feeling alone.

And I find myself asking God "Why?".  Is there something I've done, some heinous sin that is keeping me alone in this life?  Have I failed to follow Your leading in some way?  Have I angered You in some way?  Am I too needy?  Am I too independent?  Am I too ugly?  Am I too serious?  Am I not serious enough?  Am I too bold?  Am I too timid?  Am I so unlovable that only God Himself can choose to love me...and that's because He IS love?

I truly don't believe I'm still single for any of those reasons.  I know many non-Christians who are married.  I know many people that are consistently negative about everything in life who are married.  I know downright mean people who are have throngs of people who love them.  I know many people who don't know how to let love in, how to be loved...but they're still loved and surrounded by so many.

In all of the times of seeking God's heart, this is an issue that I haven't ever heard an answer on.  One time, I thought the answer I heard was that this season of life would change, but that was quite some time ago...and everything seems to be the same.  Maybe it was wishful thinking added to my prayers.  Maybe I misheard.  Maybe I heard correctly, but His timing is not what I expected.

So...I find myself alone again.  And I will go to Him again.  I will pour out my heart to Him and seek His heart towards me again.  I will do my best to listen to His still, small voice....and maybe one day, I'll hear a clear answer.  In the meantime, I'll keep loving and serving Him and His people and I will choose joy, even if there are tears involved, I will choose joy.  And I'll keep asking the "whys" of it all...knowing that my heart is what He's after.  And knowing that time spent with Him - seeking His heart - is what truly changes mine.

2015....Time to KNOW His voice..

I have been asking the Lord this past week or two, what is going to be important for 2015?  What is something that believers need to know, understand, receive fresh revelation on?  I've heard Him tell me (and others) that it's going to be important to truly KNOW His voice in the coming year.  In John 10:27 Jesus said, "My sheep know My voice, and I know them. They follow Me".  We can only follow Him if we know His voice.  And how do we come to know His voice?  You have to spend time with Him.  I'll never forget when I'd only been at a new church a short time and I had to call one of the ladies I was working with in children's ministry.  Her husband answered the phone, I asked for his wife, then I heard him tell her "Meredith's on the phone for you".  I asked if they'd gotten Caller ID (yeah, it was a while ago lol).  He told me they still didn't have caller ID....he knew my voice because of the time I'd spent with them!  Have you had something like that happen?  I was so excited!  Even thinking about it now, almost 15 years later, my heart remembers the joy I felt when my voice had been recognized!  And these were just people I was getting to know at church (and still do love, by the way).  Can you imagine God's joy when we recognize His voice?  He created us, He longs for relationship with us, He longs to hear OUR voice.  I can't imagine how His heart must feel when we recognize His voice!

We're told in Isaiah 60:2 that a deep darkness is coming, that will cover the whole earth.  It's going to happen, the days will grow darker, evil will be more prevalent.  But, in the same verse, He also tells us "but the Lord will arise upon you, and His glory will be seen upon you".  Wow!  His glory will be seen upon us!  Do you know part of the equation of that happening?  Following His voice!

I also hear the Lord saying that we're at that point in time where His people need to know His voice for themselves.  I'm probably not the only one that's guilty of going to people that I know hear the Lord, and asking their take on things.  Don't get me wrong...we're still part of the Body, and I think it's important for us to share, but the time's upon us that we need to be able to discern His voice for ourselves at a greater level.  He has called us His friends, and He wants to share His secrets with us...not just a few of us, but every one of us that He calls "friend".  

Another part of knowing His voice is discerning what you're hearing.  If you hear a voice that sounds like the Lord's, but what you're hearing doesn't line up with Scripture, it's not God!  Don't follow that voice!  Run the other direction, don't pass Go, don't collect $200!  God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.  He will never tell you something or lead you somewhere that doesn't line up with His Word.  He can't do that, because that would make Him a liar, and He's not man, He can't lie.  

I've also been hearing with increased intensity that it's time to truly follow when we hear His voice.  It's always good to seek Godly counsel (Proverbs 12:15).  Sometimes, though, you need to have faith and do what you heard the Lord say.  Almost a decade ago when God was calling me to spend a year in China, I sought counsel.  I will forever be thankful for the people God has had in my life since before I was born...I know that I am truly blessed to know and love, be known and loved by so many Godly people.  When planning for China, though, I had differing counsel from these Godly people.  Some told me "of course, that's God, GO!"  I was also told "you're still single, God wouldn't be sending a single woman to the mission field around the world".  And others who pointed out "shouldn't you be getting a job here to pay off those grad school loans?".  Then, before I left, they found my dad's brain tumor.  Time to seek counsel BIG TIME!  I had some who said "Go ahead and go to China, they need to know God and He'll take care of your parents".  (Thankfully my parents were in this category!)  And I had many people reminding me that Scripture says to "honor your mother and father" and that I should cancel my plans, stay home and help my mom with my dad.  I was receiving counsel from MANY Godly people, so many that had helped lay my foundation in the Lord.  Ultimately, I had to hear God's voice and follow Him.  He met me while I was praying, seeking Him, struggling to hear His voice.  I heard Him say "read Matthew 10:37".  I turned there.  Know what it says?  "Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me".  Talk about clarity!!  Now, I'm not saying that you should never take care of your family.  After China, I took care of my mom until she passed from her ovarian cancer.  And I am still Dad's caregiver...because that's what I've heard the Lord ask me to do.  

A lot of the time, following God will not follow conventional wisdom.  1 Corinthians 1:27 says "But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise".  And sometimes, He will ask us to step out, follow Him where other believers aren't going.  This is why it's so important to know His Word, so that we can discern whether it's His leading or not.

So, my prayer for the Church (you and me) is that we would take the time to get to KNOW His voice.  That He would open the ears of the inner man so that we could hear clearly in the midst of the white noise in our lives.  That He will give us fresh revelation of His Word, His voice, His leadership!  I pray that in 2015, the Church will be set apart; that the world would know we are His because we're following Him!  That the glory of the Lord will be seen upon us!!

Resurrection Day...

Another Easter has passed. I prefer calling it Resurrection Day, but even within the Church it seems hard to get away from calling it "Easter". I love this holiday. I love knowing that my Savior physically died on a cross for me. I know that it was for all humanity, and I know that He was completing His Father's Will. but that doesn't change the fact that He did it for ME! How humbling is that!

but that's not the end of the story! He was laid in the tomb on Friday, but on Sunday - He came back! He defeated Hell and the grave! Yeah, my physical body will die one day..."all flesh is grass...the grass withers away". But my spirit won't stay with the dead flesh I will one day shed. He came back in His resurrected body. And I will get one of those one day too! All because He made it possible 2000 years ago!

And I think the one of the things that blows my mind the most (although a lot of things blow my mind) is that He's going to keep that physical form FOREVER! We know that when He saw the people after His resurrection and before the ascension, He had a body that was flesh and bones. Do you know what that means?! In Heaven, right now, there is a God-Man (Jesus) interceding in prayer on our behalf before His Father! Fully God, fully man. I don't pretend to know how that works, but I know that everytime I study the Scripture, it resonates with the spirit inside of me!

And what's even more awesome - He's not staying in Heaven! He's coming back again!!! He's coming back on that Great & Terrible Day of the Lord. He's coming back to claim His inheritance - the nations! The ones He's been praying for to the Father! He's coming back to claim His Bride!

I can't imagine what it would have been like to be one of the people who saw Jesus in His resurrected body after watching Him be crucified. But I know something that would have been hard for them to grasp....I know the end of the story!! The story didn't end when He died on the cross, it didn't end when He come back that Sunday, it didn't end when He ascended into Heaven. He's coming back! The story is still taking place! He loves us, He's praying for us and He's coming back for us! Oh what joy that fills my soul at the thought of it all!!!

Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On

I'm a news junkie. It's true. I feel like I'm in a support group. Hello. My name is Meredith and I am a news junkie. At least one television in my house may be found on a news station roughly 20 hours per day. If I am not at home, you will find me checking news sources via internet either on my laptop or my android. I like to be kept informed. It's a part of who I am. I don't like to be left in the dark...I want to know what's going on.

I also like to keep updated on the news so that I know how to be praying. Holy Spirit does guide us in our prayers, I'm not discounting His role in praying at all. I guess, though, for the times I'm not hearing Him clearly, I like to see the specifics.

In case you're not a news junkie like me...let me tell you of a few things going on.

• America's economy is collapsing. Yeah, we've had a little improvement recently...I think I heard unemployment claims were dropping. I have my own theory on this though...I think some people have hit the time limit on unemployment benefits.
• Egypt is in some massive turmoil. Right now as I type, they're waiting for Pres Mubarak to make a statement that he's going to be stepping down as president. This causes a lot of concern because an election should take place in 60 days and, from what I hear, the only group that's organized enough to win an election is The Muslim Brotherhood. If you're unfamiliar with the Muslim Brotherhood - as many are - here's their creed: "Allah is our objective, the prophet is our leader, the Koran is our law, Jihad is our way, dying in the way of Allah is our highest hope." Yeah...that's the wonderful peace-loving way of Islam...but I digress.
• Australia has a lot of land under water, as they've been hit with storms and a cyclone. Brazil has been hit with floods. Places within America have faced weather than is uncommon for their regions. These are just a few in the list of natural disasters that have been taking place in, what seems to me, a much more frequent rate than in the past.

These are just a few things that I'm seeing. Right now, the biggest thing being aired on the news is Mubarak's stepping down in Egypt. As I watch the news, especially over the past year and past few months, I keep hearing the verses from Hebrews 12 resonate in my spirit.
26 At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”[e] 27 The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain. 28 Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29 for our “God is a consuming fire.”
I keep hearing "shakings". God has promised that He will shake the Earth once again. He will shake away everything that is not built on Him. He loves us too much to let us continue building upon faulty foundations. It is out of His great love and mercy that He shakes away/destroys all that "can be shaken". Anything that is not based in Him and on His Word can and WILL be shaken. He's promised already us that much.
I see so many Americans worried about the economy. Don't get me wrong...I have my moments too. What if the economy totally collapses? What if I can't buy food to feed my family? How do I continue to live comfortably when I know the homeless rate is growing at alarmingly high rates? Am I prepared to live through, what may very well become, the greatest depression my nation faces? I have only one answer to my questions. I hear Holy Spirit reminding me of Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” I know that regardless, I will be OK. The Lord will be with me, and He assures it will be OK. Even if things were get to our 'worst case scenario' and conditions become so bad that I lose my physical life, I'm more than OK because I'm with Him in that moment!
What concerns me the most is that I fear many Americans (and other nations...I watched the riots in Europe, but this is where I live) put their faith in America's economy even moreso than the Lord. I believe that's why He's been shaking the economies of the world...He's shaking as a wake-up call. I can almost hear Him "Hello? Wake up! It's time that you quit putting your faith into man-made systems. I promise that all you truly need is Me! I love you too much to not try to wake you up & catch your attention! I love you! I created you! Put your faith in Me!"
I saw many people turn to the Church and the Father when the economy was on such a downward slope recently. But what saddens me is that I've also seen many start to breathe easier and quit turning to the Father as the economy showed signs of improvement. It's almost like the days after 9/11. I saw so many people crying out to God for comfort, peace and safety. And once it seemed that our nation was once again safe, people became lulled into a false peace that told them they didn't need to cry out to God. I honestly believe this means there will be another shaking coming. And God is a good Father. Like any good parent, if what He did before didn't get your attention, He will increase the intensity next time. He's done it before...ever hear of the Israelites - His Chosen People? It's what He does to those He loves...He gets our attention in whatever way it takes!
This is what leads me to pray. I pray for those in my nation. I pray that they will turn to the Father rather than institutions of man. I pray that those who are His Children now will begin to pray! And that we, as His voices on Earth, would begin to share what we're hearing when we pray! That we would become voices in the wilderness. That we would truly be lights in the darkness! That the hearts of the people would turn to the Father!!

Time to take responsibility...

Over the past decade or so, I've seen a shift in our nation. Maybe it was already beginning and I just didn't notice it until I was 20. I think I started to really notice this shift when I was an undergraduate student working toward my Bachelor of Social Work degree. In Social Work, the phrase " stop blaming the victim" comes up quite frequently. And if it's used toward you, it's a bad thing! I was accused many times by professors and/or classmates of blaming the victim.

Now, mind you, I never blamed a person that was abused, or children that were neglected. I do not buy into "she was asking for it" when referring to a rape victim. I'm not cruel and heartless, I promise! When this phrase would be slapped onto my homework, usually it was a case of someone who had a lot of issues, yet someone else was always to blame. My theory in most of my papers & mock counseling sessions "take responsibility for your actions, quit blaming everyone else and move on". Now, I do realize there are some things that you really have to work through. I'm not at all saying you can just decide that you'll have no more issues today and "poof" they're all gone. No, that would be called "denial". (Or in some cases, God's instantaneous healing.) At some point, you have to say "I have no power to change the past, it is what it is, but I can choose to move forward today." And I do stand by my belief that in this nation, almost everyone is seen as a victim of something, therefore no one has to take the blame.

I see this happening in schools. Every year that I substitute teach, I notice the trend to worsen. I've been told by parents that it is NOT their child's fault that they didn't study for their tests...it's the TEACHER's fault for assigning too much work. The children hear their parents say this, and voila! we have a whole generation of people that are not responsible for their actions.

Just in recent events, the shooting in Arizona on Saturday is a prime example. According to some reports, this obviously unstable gunman in AZ shot these people because of political rhetoric from one or both sides. Really? Why can't we just say that it's the individual's fault for pulling the trigger & he's the one that should be held responsible for his actions? Maybe he had a bad home life. It's possible. Ya know what? Lots of people have bad childhoods, yet they don't shoot 19 people in a grocery store parking lot, killing 6 of them! Maybe he heard something on the news that set him off. But again, he didn't hear anything that thousands and/or millions others didn't hear, yet he was the only one shooting.

I think I've realized why it disheartens me so much when I see all of these adults taking a victim mentality & constantly finding someone else to blame. I think it's because each and every person is going to have to stand before God one day for judgment. And I know that He will not accept "well, You don't understand what happened to me, You don't know how they bullied me on the playground, etc, etc." I fear that many people will hear that they're not allowed to enter into eternity with God because they've never been taught nor taken responsibility for their own actions or deeds. Eventually the blame-game will end...I'm just saddened in how I think it will end in eternity away from God for many.

My New Friend, Carol

So, the night before my birthday, I was a bit down. I was missing my mama a lot. Of all the previous birthdays I'd had, I had never spent one not with her. So yeah, I was missing her.

It was a Saturday night, which meant I was just leaving worship & prayer at the River of Life (my church body in Cisne). Another lady & I were getting ready to go to our cars when we heard someone yell "Hey, River of Life people, would one of you come over here?" Since Tina's daughter was having a sleepover & she had both little gals with her, I told her to go on home & I'd go over to speak with the lady. She asked if our church was affiliated with IHOP-KC (which we're not, but a lot of us go there often & stay plugged in), so this started a new friendship for me!

She told me that since she lived across the street from our meeting place, she'd been meaning to attend, but just hadn't felt like it. Then she asked if we would put her on our prayer list because of her cancer. I told her if she'd tell me how to open the gate, I'd do one better & pray with her right then. So I went up to where she was sitting on her front porch to go pray with her. I had this feeling within me, but I asked anyway "What kind of cancer do you have that we are praying against?" She answered "stage 4 ovarian cancer".

I already knew it just from looking at her, and the feeling within my spirit. And she confirmed it with that answer. I had a moment - it was really only a second or two - that felt like an eternity. The thoughts were racing through my mind "Really, God? You send me to this stranger's house to pray for her healing of ovarian cancer? Really? After we prayed for almost 3 years for my mom (the SAME cancer) and she didn't get healed on Earth? Really, God? Is this a joke?" All of that was within one second. The next thing I knew, I heard God answering "Yes, really. Your job is to pray and believe that I'm God and I'm going to complete My will. I'm not asking you to heal her, just pray for her. And remember that whatever the outcome, I'm with You just as I always have been". That's a lot of stuff, but it really did happen within a blink or two of the eye.

So, she sent me into her house to get oil, I anointed her head & we prayed. We prayed and prayed. God just came over the both of us as I laid hands upon her head and belly. God was SOO there in the midst! His presence was so strong! The Holy Spirit gave both of us such a sweet peace. So, after we prayed, she asked me to sit down and chat with her. I didn't have anywhere to be since it was 9:30 on a Saturday night, so I did. We talked & talked - basically sharing each other's life stories! She asked why I seemed so familiar with ovarian cancer, so I told her about my mom. I felt kinda bad, like "yeah, we prayed for my mom too and she's dead now, but I'm gonna keep praying for you too". That's the awesome thing that God reminded me, though. He doesn't ask me to go around healing people. He asks me to pray for them. Healing is His job, which He pours out as He sees fit. As Misty Edwards said "At the end of the day, some people get healed, some people don't. God is sovereign and gets to choose, we just have to deal with it."

Carol & I sat there talking on her front porch until 12:30AM - meaning it was my birthday! We are such kindred spirits. Just our experiences in life, the way the Lord has shown Himself to us, the paths He's taken us on. We were instant friends. She's a little older than my mom. And as I got into my car to drive home, I realized it was my birthday....and that meeting Carol was a gift God had given me. I still missed my mama, but the ache wasn't so strong. God had reminded me that He never leaves us nor forsakes us...He is our Provider. And, He's a good, good God who loves to bless His children!

Over the past couple of months, Carol's cancer came out of remission. So she's back to doing chemo and such. I just talked to her this afternoon and, bless her heart, she's so weak, so can only talk on the phone for a few minutes. Her lungs keep filling up with fluid (ovarian cancer cells produces ascites - fluid). She's going Monday to have a chest tube put in to drain the fluid on the lung. She also said they're bringing in a hospital bed to help her with getting up and down, and she's not allowed to stay by herself because she's so weak and short of breath.

Please pray for Carol. She reminds me of my mama in that she has such a strong faith in the Lord. She knows - and is at peace with knowing - that at any moment, God could choose to heal her body, or take her home, whichever is within His plan. I will continue to pray for her until God heals her, because that's what He's asked of me. The way He chooses to heal her is up to Him, but I know what my job is. Please pray with me for, not only her healing, but for strength, comfort and peace. Thanks!!

Eyes like Fire!

Last night I did not sleep well. In fact, I didn't really sleep last night, as it was 6:00 AM before I finally fell asleep. I watched TV, I read, I spent time thinking, and I kept trying to go to sleep. Around 4:00, I lay in my bed with my body aching. I remember thinking I felt like a 70-year-old. I hate fibromyalgia. And I have a sinus infection to boot...so my head felt like it was in a vice grip.

Sometime around 4:30, I found myself before the Lord. I remember saying "I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, God. I know that You paid for my healing, Jesus. And I also know that You've said we have not because we ask not. So God, I am asking You now, please heal my body. I know that it's nothing too big or too small for You, so I'm asking that You please heal my body."

And then, all of the sudden, I could see that I was literally before the Throne. I remember saying "I'm coming boldly before Your Throne, Lord!" I confessed that for many years, every time I've spent time in prayer for healing, I always find someone who is legitimately more sick than I am, and I pray for that person's healing. I realized that I have been, in a way, disqualifying myself from His healing. I have fibromyalgia, bad sinuses & allergies, and acid reflux. All of which are things that I can live with if I use my medications and eat carefully. Somewhere in my mind I equated that with being less worthy of His time. But I realized that though my problems are livable, God could definitely heal me...He loves me as much as He loves anyone else.

And then I realized there was more than just prayers for healing taking place. While I saw myself before the Throne, I looked up at one point and saw Jesus looking at me. He appeared almost as a lion. His eyes were like fire. They were burning with a deep desire for me to see His love. They were burning with love for ME. They also burned with a love of jealousy. I could see it in those eyes like fire. Then He asked me, "Do you love Me?" I replied, "Yes, Jesus, I love You, I love You!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than any other lover?" My reply, "Jesus, that's my heart's desire! I know that I fail, but I strive to love You more than any other!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than your family? More than your friends? More than your church family?" To each I replied, "Yes, Jesus, yes!" "Do you love Me enough to do what I ask you? Enough to leave all that you know & love behind? Enough to do the things I ask of you, even if they're not your personal desires? Enough to keep serving those who act as though they do not appreciate you? Enough to stay at home with your earthly father until he dies, if I ask it of you? Enough to give up any dreams of marrying and adopting? Enough to live a life full of persecution from those that you love?" At this point I was weeping, after each question, my answer remained, "Yes, Jesus! If that's what You ask of me, then yes, Jesus!" He asked, "Do you love Me enough to literally lay down your earthly life simply for loving & following Me?" "Oh yes, my Beloved! I love You enough to do that!" All this time, He was looking into my eyes, into my soul with those eyes that just kept burning with a tender, just and jealous love.

Then He surrounded me with His love and said "I believe you, my beloved, I believe you. Though you have not always made the right decisions, you have proven your love for Me so many times! In those quiet, secret places where no one was watching, where no one saw the sacrifices that you made, I saw. And your human heart cannot understand the love that I have for you!"

So I spent an hour with my Lord, my King, my Judge, my Friend, my Brother, my Bridegroom! He kept pouring His love over me! And then He asked me if i was willing to surrender all other lovers, all other people/things/thoughts that distract me from following Him at all times. I answered that I was. And it was as though He took on the attributes of a lion even more so. I could see and feel Him literally shredding the things around my heart that were distractions. He would name something & I would say "rid me of it, Jesus". And I could feel him literally tearing those things off of my heart.

I have to say that it was an exhausting experience. And around 6:00 am, I was so tired that I couldn't hardly stay awake. But I wanted to! I was in the presence of my Beloved! Feeling His love for me, and seeing that jealous love in His eyes like fire. I think this was the 2nd time of seeing His eyes of fire, but this time they were so much more powerful! I wasn't just seeing His eyes, I was feeling His eyes....I could feel His jealousy and His love for ME in those eyes!! I can't say that I woke up feeling healed, unfortunately. In fact, if anything I physically felt worse because of the lack of sleep. But my spirit, oh my spirit is so much more at peace, and my spirit has been healed! And I don't believe I will ever forget those eyes of fire!!

I'm done with it all!

I'm done with it all! Really. I'm done! I'm done with letting people decide my worth. I'm done with letting the approval or rejection of man define who I am. I am done trying to do what I think people want me to do. I am done living my life trying to receive praises and avoid rejection of people - even those that I love and love me.

My identity is determined by God and not by people! If I could keep my brain and heart wrapped around that fact, I'd be in good shape. And if I could get other people to realize that, I'd be in better shape. Or maybe it's just that I need to remind myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter.

It's amazing how we, even as followers of Christ, let people's opinions of us count so much. In Galatians 1:10 Paul asks "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Did you get that one part? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is some serious stuff. He's saying that living for the approval of man can cause us to not be considered a servant of Christ.

I've been learning a lot of really weighty and deep things lately regarding the praises and rejections of man. But I'm not always that deep, so I've had to bring some of these truths down to my level. Here's some of what God's been teaching me.

His opinion is the only one that matters. There will be times that what He's calling me to do make no sense to anyone - even others that follow Him, but I'm still expected to follow Him. If I can allow myself to feel good by the praises of man, I'll surely be deflated by man's rejection.

When the day comes that I'm standing before my Lord - face to face, and I'm required to give an account of how I obeyed/disobeyed Him, how I followed/didn't follow Him and whether or not I've pleased Him - it all boils down to one thing. When I'm standing before my Lord, the opinions of people (even those that I love and that love me) will NOT count for anything. What WILL count is His opinion of me. Knowing that I will stand to give an account before Him encourages me to live my life for Him and only Him, regardless of any opinion of man.

Do you know....

Tonight I will be going to Iuka GB Church. My pastor is preaching there and has asked me to come and sing a song. The song is one from IHOP....the chorus is "Do you know that you've caught My eye, in the secret place where you chose to die? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?" The verses aren't really written...they're more prophetic flowing - something that God wants to share. I always find prophetic singing awesome and scary. It's so awesome that God can use His people in such a way, and I'm so humbled to be one of them, but I get scared that I will hear (and in turn speak/sing) incorrectly. I think that fear is a good thing, though...it's the healthy "fear of the Lord". It makes me seek Him harder because I truly want to share His heart with His people. I mean that's the whole purpose anyway....to hear, know and share the heart of God.

Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!

I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!

New Year's!!!

For the second year in a row, I was blessed with the opportunity to spend 5 days in Kansas City, MO at the Onething conference! It was such an awesome time!! This year the conference had an emphasis on End-times, which proved to be beyond interesting! We headed out Dec 28th & came back Jan 1st. I believe there were 18,000 in attendance - it is always so awe-inspiring to be amongst such a large number of like-minded people!

For New Year's Eve, we had 2nd row seats on the left side...so we were pretty close to the stage. The people in front of are the "dancing" section.

My camera didn't want to take very good pictures. Plus, I'm so short, I couldn't get a good view of the arena.

I stole, ehem, borrowed this picture from the IHOP facebook site. It's a clearer shot of the stage & attendees....from about 1/4 of the way back from the front! It was packed! The worship & teachings were absolutely amazing (as always)! And the time we spent as a group, fellowshiping with and ministering to one another were beyond words!

Mom's home again!

Here's the latest....Sorry it's been so long in coming.

Right after I posted the last blog in September, Mom got really sick and had to go back into the hospital. Her white blood count was about 1,000 (normal is 5,000-10,000). The oncologist came to see her, met me in the hallway and asked if me and my family were prepared because she was most likely not going to make it out of the hospital and maybe not even through that night. We assumed it was the chemotherapy bringing her white count down, only to find that she was septic - staph infection in the blood system.

On Columbus Day, Mom had her retirement party and came home the next afternoon! She got so much better with the antibiotics they had her on! She came home on a Tuesday and was doing alright. By Sunday evening (Oct 19), though, we had to call the ambulance to take her to ER because she wasn't strong enough to even sit up in the bed really. The Paramedic told us afterwards that he didn't think she would even make it into the hospital. She was spiking fevers, then they would break as fast as they spiked. It was crazy scary! They did more blood cultures and we found that she was septic again (or still in my opinion). It seemed that she got better everytime she was in the hospital for 2 weeks on antibiotics, but when we got her home for a few days (not on IV antibiotics), she was worse again.

The oncologist came in again and said "We're at the end of what we can do. We just can't do anymore chemotherapy with this infection. She should probably go home on Hospice". Then he said that he thought Mom's portacath (the catheter that was surgically sewn into her chest for easier vein access) was the source of her staph infection. So she had to have it removed, and a central line put in her neck. After a week of antibiotics, she had a new portacath put in yesterday afternoon. The oncologist came back yesterday (3 weeks after the day he said that she wouldn't make it) and said "You're doing so great! We're re-starting chemotherapy on Wednesday" Yeah, that means tomorrow! Honestly, I'm a little nervous about this....I don't want her white count to drop again if the port wasn't the source of the staph infection. But we're pretty sure it was. And, this time, I know more of what to watch for, so I can take her to the hospital quicker. The past 5 days, though, she says she feels better than she's felt since August. And all of the hospita staff and doctors agree that she appears stronger and healthier than she's been since August!

OK, now you're as up-to-date as I am! I am sorry that I didn't email or write sooner, but it's been a hectic month! Plus, I never knew from one moment to the next what to tell anyone. We're very thankful for all of the thoughts and prayers that we know have been with us through all of this! Mom just has this strength about her that I know is God-given. The surgeon who put her port in, then out, then in again haha said he wouldn't sign for Mom to be on hospice because he thinks she will live longer than 6 months. Actually he said "I wouldn't put my money on your mom dying because that is not a safe bet!" She is an amazing person....I know that I have been so blessed that God made her my mom! I also know that our family is blessed that all of you remember us in your prayers! Thank you so much! Were it not for the grace and strength of God, I'm positive we wouldn't have made it through all of this! I will try to keep posted better! And maybe find some pictures of Mom's retirement party to post!

Latest in Weaverville...

This past week has been hectic to say the least! Thank you all for the cards, emails and phone calls. I'm terribly sorry that I haven't had time to respond individually....but I promise I will try once we find a new 'norm' around here.

On Monday, the oncologist came to see Mom at the hospital. He said that he wanted to bump her up to a stronger chemotherapy medication - meaning it should work faster, but she will most likely have worse side effects. He also said that he should know within 2 months whether this chemo will be working. Basically, if it doesn't work, we've got no other options. Tuesday, after hours of fighting (well, maybe fighting isn't the right word...we'll say disagreeing -- something a little loudly, haha) with the nurses at the hospital as well as home health, she finally was able to come home after a 27 day stay at the hospital! She came home on IV medications with pumps and such. So, the way they had explained it to me was that the home health nurses would come to the house to take care of stuff. In reality, though, the home health nurses have taught me how to mix drugs and use the pumps myself, since they keep saying 'you'll have to be here 24/7'. So, 'Nurse Meredith' (who never had an earthly desire to be a nurse and STILL doesn't) has had to rely upon the strength of the Lord to get through this time. I am mixing drugs - just the vitamins in the TPN, but still it involves vials and needles with big syringes. I am flushing out her line and hooking up new tubing to her IV/Cath line. And, I'm in charge of the ileostomy bag - the bag that just doesn't want to stay on for more than 72 hours at a time.....and these bags always choose to leak before I get out of bed. :( Nervous, tired and just plain worn out at 6:30 in the morning doesn't make for a nice nurse...but again, God's giving the strength. On Wednesday, we went to Effingham for Mom to start this new chemo drug. She did very well through the treatment and has had none of the allergic reaction/side effects to be present as of yet -- definite blessing!

On Thursday, she was actually up & walking around (with the help of someone carrying her med pumps). She had a pretty decent appetite as well. Friday came, though, and the normal 2 - 7 days of 'blagh' after chemo seem to have set in. She slept most of the day Friday and Saturday. She hasn't seemed to have been in as much pain as she was, but she's getting lots of pain meds, so maybe that has something to do with it.

OK, there's the update on how the week went. Here comes the praise reports and prayer requests.

Praises: We're so very thankful that Aunt Peggy was here a LOT this past week, helping me get the house reorganized, cleaned up and doing cooking while I was setting into a routine with Mom's medicine! I'm also thankful that I worked as a Pharmacy Tech in the past & the pharmacist taught me how to do some TPN stuff then -- shhh don't tell. I'm also thankful that when Grandma was living & taking insulin, I was able to give her a lot of her shots - allowing me to not be uneasy about it now while giving them to Mom.

Requests: We're continuing to pray for healing...God is still in that business! Please pray for continued peace. We know that the peace of God has been residing here, but sometimes we have trouble claiming it. :) And, please just continue to pray for Mom.

One last thing....we did have an awesome experience. On Monday night, Mom got really upset after the oncologist told us about knowing within 2 months about the chemo. Anyway, when she got really upset, her pain rate went up and we had trouble getting it under control. She asked me, Michelle and Aunt Peg to stay the night with her. So, while Chelle & Aunt Peg were sleeping, I was sitting up with Mom praying. I remember distinctively praying that God would send His angels to give Mom peace and relief from pain. Around 4:00, I woke up to Mom yelling 'Meredith, Meredith! Wake up! The angel is here, my pain is gone, and the angel said to wake you up and let you know he's here.....just look at him!' I prayed God would give me eyes to see, but that didn't happen. However, I didn't need to see that angel with my physical , because I knew that God had answered prayers and given Mom rest. The nurses and staff laughed at me and Mom...saying she had enough drugs to make her hallucinate - which she did. But, they must not know the God that I know and they apparently don't know about His love for my mom! Thanks again for all your prayers -- and time in reading this!

Wow...it's been a week. Just wanted to share some awesomeness God revealed to me more deeply this week.

For a while, I've been reading and meditating in the book Song of Solomon. This past week has been specifically on 4:9....."You have stolen (ravished) my heart, my sister, my bride. You've stolen (ravished) my heart with one glance of your eyes....."

I truly believe this book to be a paradigm of how Jesus, the Bridegroom, relates to us, His Bride. Following that logic, these words are spoken by the Lover, the Bridegroom....spoken to His Beloved, His Bride. I'm not for sure that I can convey this over the internet completely, in fact I'm sure I can't. But here's what I realized. I really meditated upon that...."you have ravished my heart, with one glance of your eyes." I have ravished, or stolen, the heart of Jesus. Take a minute to really dwell upon that. Me, you, each of us individually.....with all of my flaws, failures and sins....one glance, one simple glance of my eyes in His direction steals/ravishes the very heart of my Lord!

Then I was listening to worship music by Misty Edwards...she was singing this exact verse. Then the lyrics/worship went on to say "I hear you say as you gaze over the balcony of Heaven.....Oh angels, oh angels, look and see - through that dark night of faith, she is gazing at Me! oh angels, oh angels, look and see - through that cloud of unknowing, she's gazing at Me!" That completely hit me! When I'm in those unknown places, when I'm in the dark places - facing all kinds of junk....in those times when I look at Him, I'm not only stealing His heart. He's so moved at my glancing at Him that He's shouting at the angels to look & see....He's moved to the core. One time, I had this picture in my mind...that group of guys you see walking together, one in the center looks at a girl he likes. When the girl looks back at him & smiles...you know the scene, the guy tells his friends "did you see that? She totally looked at me! She's totally into me!" It's like Jesus is talking to the angels saying "did you see that? I love her soo much! She just looked at me! Did you see?!?!"

I know that when people are in a relationship, knowing that they've stolen someone else's heart - that they've ravished someone else's heart, it's an amazing feeling...one that most married people I know can't quite put into words. That's exactly what I have been experiencing this past week more than before. I, ME, I have stolen His heart. He loves me as no earthly lover ever could. I don't have to look a certain way, smell a certain way, do any certain things -- just glance at Him and it steals His heart!

OK, well, that was longer than I intended, but I pray that you will meditate upon that Scripture. And I pray that God will show Himself as the ultimate Lover of your soul. Maybe you'll end up like me -- this past week, I have caught myself glancing up toward the Heavens & feeling giddy. In the tough times, I'm glancing toward the Jesus and feeling loved and ravished in a way I've never experienced! I pray that He will reveal to each of you what your worth is in His eyes. That He will help you to understand how much He loves you and how much valued by Him!