Not so bad....

So, after I posted the blog last night, I spent quite a while in prayer before going to sleep. A lot of the time was silent prayer on my part, just sitting and soaking in God's presence. I love those times! And I love how He speaks during those times!

While I was feeling oh-so-sorry for myself and filling up with worry, God kept bringing Scripture to my recollection. Such as, "cast all your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you." And "be anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, take your petitions before the Lord" (I may get some of them a little twisted on the wording...but He was reminding me of the promises He's made.) He also reminded me that I cannot love my mother or father more than I love Him. If I do so, I don't deserve to be called His follower. And, He reminded me that HE loves my mother more than I could ever dream of loving her. Not only is she my mom, but she is HIS daughter. He loves her SO much! He is the lover of her soul and it is not His desire to see her suffer or anything. He won't leave her through all of this, He will be right beside her through the storm.

I love when God reveals Himself to me in truths that I've known for a long time, but sometimes I need that gentle reminding!

Thoughts in my head......

So, it's been a rough couple of weeks.

We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.

I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?

I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.

And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!

Dancin' to the Oldies!

Daddy worked today (he works 15 hours a week at WalMart). When he and Mom got home, he showed us the purchase he had made while at work. Daddy had bought 2 different CD sets. One was full of songs from the '50s, the other was from the '60s. Now, there are probably some, if not many, my age that wouldn't know many of these songs. But, we actually listened to oldies growing up, so I'm familiar with many.

I decided that we needed to go through the songs on all FIVE CDs to check them out. So, I put 'em on and we all started singing. Mom was in the next room, while Dad was sitting in his chair. I have a short attention span for songs I don't know, so some songs only made it to about 30 seconds. lol I did know a lot of them, though, so I spent an hour going back and forth between rooms - singing, dancing, performing for my parents and having fun! I had a blast (and I'm sure I got a good work out too!) Mom said she wished she had my video camera (precisely why I keep it hidden haha). But, I have to tell you -- I had a blast! I was singing and dancing around with my parents like I used to when I was a little girl. It was like a step back in history - to a time that I was young and my parents were both healthy and fun-loving. They're not overly healthy now and I'm not necessarily young, but we're all still fun-loving people! I'm so thankful that my parents' spirits stay so high! And that my mom's sense of humor is still so strong. At one point during my dancing performance/workout, I began to have difficulty breathing, to which my mother replied "Well, you know we raised you Baptist....that's what you get for dancing, especially on a Sunday!" How hilarious is that?!

While I was dancing and twirling around, singing really poorly off-key, having a great time, something hit me. This is how Jesus wants us to be when we spend time with Him. Like we were when we were little kids! Jumping around, singing songs (even when we don't completely know the tunes or the words) and just having a blast - knowing that no matter how much we mess up those songs, we're still loved! He wants us to live with a child-like faith! Resting in the knowledge that we're God's children and He's our awesome Father! I love when God shows Himself in the small things!

Mom's shoulders...

On Thursday, August 30, I took Mom to the orthopaedics's office for him to look at her shoulders. The MRI's had shown that the problem is NOT her rotator cuffs. The problem is that she has some pretty bad arthritis in the shoulders. Also, as a side effect from her chemotherapy, she has large amounts of fluid that have build up in the shoulder joints. The doctor injected some anti-inflammatory steroids in both shoulders. She nearly jumped off the table and bit off her own finger when he injected the right shoulder (the one that has been bothering her the most). She said the left one didn't hurt nearly as bad. The doctor said it would take a couple of days to fully take effect. It's been over 24 hours now and she says that her pain level is going down. She is able to lie down on her side without her arms killing her for the first time in a few months!

The doc said it's mostly a side effect of the chemo. Just another reason that I really hate cancer! And I hate Satan. If he hadn't tempted Adam and Eve, we wouldn't be living in a fallen world. Plus, he's just not a good guy. I love Jesus, though! And I know that God is WAY more powerful than Satan and God can bring Mom through this. She looked at me tonight, while we were sitting in the yard swing tonight, and said "I don't know why, but I really have a feeling that I'm going to beat this cancer stuff and it's not going to end up a big deal". I know that Mom has the peace of God residing in her heart, and I am so thankful for that! I'm also thankful that she decided to share that with me tonight...I was really needing to hear that. She's such an awesome person!

Can we say addiction?

OK, so my "baby" Molly has a problem. After my dad or I finish a cup of Yoplait yogurt, she wants the container to lick it clean. It's too cute. So, here are some pics of her. (I know, most people post pictures of their kids on here, but I only have Molly.)

She was licking the third container of the day, so I thought it would be funny to stage the picture & put her other two on her right side.


Then, it was hilarious! Molly looked around and actually moved the cups closer to her! She made it even funnier than when I had tried to stage the picture!
And here she is....all tired out from eating her yogurt. I think she has a problem. Anyone know of a Yogurt Anonymous?

Wode Mama (My Mother)

Here's the latest news on my mama.

We went to the oncologist on Monday (August 20th) for her 8th chemo treatment. The oncologist told us that her CA 125 (cancer marker) is at 23. Normal is 34 and under, but he isn't considering her to be in remission until her numbers are 10 or below. She has 4 more chemo treatments to finish out this round. Overall, the oncologist has been really impressed with Mom's progress! Tuesday (August 21st), we went to the surgeon (who removed her cancer back in February) for a physical checkup. He said that the exam he completed agreed with the CT scan findings and her cancer levels...he feels no new bumps, lumps or anything!

She will be going in for tests on Thursday (August 23rd) on her shoulders. She's been having tremendous amounts of pain in her shoulders since she started chemo. They had originally thought it was the medicine they give to make her white count increase. But, she hasn't had any of that medicine for 6 weeks and the pain is still there. The doctors think that she might have torn rotator cuffs. We should get the results of the MRI and bone scans by the end of next week. Please keep that in your prayers!

Mom is scheduled to go back to work on Monday, the 27th. She has a ton of restrictions and can only work up to 4 hours a day, but she's still excited. We're thinking it will be good for her to get out of the house and into a little more of a routine. Well, that's about all I know, I'll update again when we get her shoulder test results back!

Anniversary of my birth......

Wow. It is officially the 28th anniversary of my birth. I remember a really great doctor friend of mine once pointing out to me that "birthday" literally means day of birth. He maintained that we've warped the English language with the word "birthday", therefore, it should be called the anniversary of your birth. So, that's what today is...the 28th anniversary of my birth. Wow...I'm starting to age. haha

I had a wonderful filled with cards, e-cards and comments on myspace and facebook. To all of you...thank you very much! Mom fixed a big supper for her and Dad, my friend Lynne and me. Then, they gave me cards, presents and my cake! Afterwards, we spent time talking and hanging out. Sometimes when we're younger, we don't realize the importance of having friends that you can just sit and "be" with. You don't have to be doing anything, you just have to "be". I feel sorry for the people who never figure that out as they get older. I am also very thankful that my parents raised me with that awareness. I'm also thankful that 28 years ago, God sent me to be born into my wonderful family. And I'm forever thankful that He had that all planned before He even "knit me in my mother's womb". What an awesome birthday gift He gave me....His love, plus the love of my earthly family! Wonderful anniversary of birth day indeed! :)

Class of 1997 - 10 Year Reunion

I'm sitting here thinking of my 10-year high school class reunion. It was this past Saturday night. It was an experience that I almost skipped out on. However, thanks to one of my best friends from high school, Mandi, I did end up attending and I think it was a good thing. It was good in the way that I have now lived to the point that your parents always tell you about-- that the snobby, popular kids will eventually grow up and not be so snobby. I have to say that, according to teachers, my class was always one of the nicest classes. There were definite lines between the "groups", but almost everyone was able to cross those at times. There weren't many lines at the 10-year reunion. Another good thing that I learned was my own attitude of not caring about those lines. It is no longer important for me to feel befriended by the more popular people. My worth has nothing to do with their opinions, because my worth is determined by God. And He feels I'm pretty important and worth His Son's life! But I digress.....sometimes I do that. haha The point is that I am very glad that I went and was able to catch up with everyone!

Update on Mom

I've had lots of emails, and I apologize for not emailing individually...so, here's the latest on Mom. We went back to the oncologist on Monday, July 30th to begin the 2nd round of 6 more chemo treatments. This should have her ending somewhere around the middle of November. The doctor told us that Mom is in the category of women who should benefit from the extra 6 treatments. We will go back on August 20th for the next treatment & see what the doc says!

A New Thing

OK, I'll admit it....sometimes I am influenced by my peers. First, Linda had a blogspot page, then Janet and now Leslie as well. I have come to see my friends' wisdom and started my own page. :) My hope is that eventually, I will be able to post all of my blogs just on this page! Right now, I feel as though I'm losing time trying to keep up with emails, myspace, facebook, etc. So, we will see how this goes!!