He Says I'm Enough

We go through seasons in this life. Some seasons are short, others seem to last an entire lifetime, while most fall somewhere in between. And we never know how long the season will be until it’s over. During prayer and worship the other night, I didn’t go up to the altar for prayer partly because my heavy heart was affecting my feet, but mostly because I couldn’t find a way to put my heavy heart in to words. So, in between tears and sobs, I was trying to praise God’s goodness and claim His promises. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I had no problem praising His Name, for He is great and greatly to be praised. I was just desperately struggling to claim His greatness in my life.

You see, my heart was struggling. As of late, it seems that no matter what I do, the message I get (sometimes external other times internal) is that I’m not enough, haven’t tried hard enough, haven't loved enough, and haven’t given enough...I’m unaccepted, undesirable, unworthy. And it’s left me exhausted and feeling dreadfully inadequate. And I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has ever struggled in a season like this.

While I was sobbing, a friend was praying amazing things over me. And while I was sobbing, I was agreeing with her, praying and hoping those things were or would be true. And my heart felt calmed, that someone believed I was enough and worth time. Then, my friend kept her hand on my arm, but she was far enough away I could no longer hear what she was praying. And I felt myself longing to hear that she believed I was worthy of prayer, worthy of her time, worthy of God’s time.

And then God spoke to me. I was looking for assurance from outside sources, but as His child, I should be looking only to Him. He says that I am enough, beyond enough and worthy of His time and love. Even when I struggle, even when I fail, I am enough through Jesus’ blood and my willing heart, I am enough for Him. People, both from inside and outside of the Church, may tell you that you will never be enough – never smart enough, fast enough, talented enough, kind enough, compassionate enough, never enough. But God says that’s not true! His love isn’t based on performance. He says I’m enough because He created me! I’m important to Him! I am worth enough to Him that He sent His son to die on the cross in my place! He delights in me! He says my face is lovely and my voice is sweet! And beloved, He says the very same things about you too! And that’s so beautiful, because after all, His opinion is the only one that matters!

Grandma

This lady! Oh, how I wish I had more years with her. But, I am fully aware how blessed I was to live next door to or with her for all of the 19 years I got to be loved by her on Earth. She wasn't perfect. Nope, she wasn't. But she didn't claim to be either. Oh how she loved with her all! She was a McGrew...which leads many to understand she could have a temper. lol She and Grandpa would argue, oh my, over the tiniest thing. (Sometimes, as any couple married 62 years would, they legitimately argued...other times, well Grandpa was a Meredith and some of them have been known to torment for entertainment's sake. Ha!) And she NEVER forgot what the argument was about, because this woman with a 6th grade education could remember EVERYTHING! I personally witnessed several times that family members or friends would show up on the doorstep to ask Grandma to settle an argument based on happening 50 years prior. And by the time they left, all parties had concluded that Grandma was exactly right, remembering every last detail. And, before they left, they were usually filled with some kind of delicious food! I still suspect her siblings and in-laws came to "settle an argument" close to meal-time on purpose. And why wouldn't they? She was legitimately one of the best cooks EVER. I know a lot of people think that about their grandmothers...but many of those people are wrong. :) Seriously, I watched this woman cook meals for 10-25 people with NO recipes, MULTIPLE dishes AND she could time them to all be done at just the right time. Also, I know she did this her entire married life on a very tight budget...but no one left Helen Meredith's house hungry...or even having room enough for a tiny piece of candy!

I know that living in her house makes it easier for me to remember her, but honestly, I don't think it matters where I am...I'm pretty sure I'll always remember her on a regular basis. My grandparents were such a second set of parents to me, I know and am thankful that a lot of who I am today is because of them. She either taught or helped teach me how to cook, how to can veggies & fruits, how to sew, how to pay attention to little details, how to love people and always be hospitable. But most importantly, she taught me how to love the Lord. I am a worshiper...it's the way God made me. And, though she couldn't carry a tune to save her life, Grandma was a worshiper too. Oh so many Sundays of sitting next to Grandma covering my ears or glaring her direction because she couldn't find the note to sing. And she would (sometimes a bit shortly) remind me that Jesus loved the sound of her voice...and that's all that matters! (Though when I was feeling feisty, I'd remind her that she was singing in my ears...a sound that wasn't joyful to me! lol) I'm pretty sure that she's finally able to harmonize with my mom...and I have this feeling they're singing His praises, worshiping at His feet right now. (True worship is obedience, not just singing. But we will worship the Lord by singing His praises in Heaven...and even Grandma hoped she would get a better voice!)

In 100 years, there won't be anyone on Earth who remembers Helen Meredith personally. And since by worldly standards, she never did anything super impressive, there may not even be many who remember her in stories. But I know that she loved God, her family, her church family and her neighbor well. And I know that she spent so many hours before the Lord, lifting up the needs and hearts of so many who never even knew she was praying. But God knows, and He remembers. And He'll remember it in 100 years, 1000 years, 10,000 years...He will never forget how precious she is to His heart. And I know that I will never forget how thankful I am that God gave me Helen Irene (born as Olive Modine, but that's a different story lol) McGrew Meredith for a grandmother.

Olympics & Memories

I'm not an athlete, but I love watching the Olympics! The first Olympics I remember were the '84 winter Olympics. My mom always loved ice skating & I remember watching Scott Hamilton win the gold. And I loved it! But, my favorites in '84 were the summer games! I loved watching Mary Lou Retton, Greg Louganis and Jackie Joyner Kersee.

My all-time favorite, though, was Florence Griffith Joyner!! I LOVED to run when I was a little kid, partly because I was always in a hurry, but also because the only time I didn't have to wear my corrective shoes was when I was running. Originally, I wasn't given that privilege, however, I managed to wear the soles out of those expensive shoes too quickly! lol And the doctors said running was good for my hips and feet once I had quit walking on the outside of my ankles. So I'd shed those metal lined ugly shoes for cool tennis shoes and take off! That was before the summer of steroids and house arrest (awful allergies). I could run faster than a lot of kids could ride their bikes. In fact, I can remember my parents riding their bikes, Michelle on the back of Mom's bike, and me running ahead of them down the road. And I would always beg whoever was nearby to time me. I wasn't usually racing against anyone but myself. I'm still quite a bit that way. Oh, I don't mind competition with others and I do like to win...but since I was a little kid, I've always competed with myself. I always want to be better and do better than the time before.

Back to the summer of 1984... I can clearly remember my life goals. My 2 big dreams that summer were to marry Dr. Naney :) and run like Flo-Jo in the Olympics! I even grew my nails out as long as I could so they'd look like Flo-Jo's (until a game of tag in 1st grade took an unfortunate turn and I drew blood by tagging someone's arm lol). Dr. Naney (who was no spring chicken when I was 5 haha) has since passed on and any chance of being an Olympic athlete passed quite a while before then, so I suppose it's a good thing Jesus helped me make new goals. :) I know that I'll never forget watching those games in our hot mobile home with my momma and my need to chant U-S-A every time our favorites were on the screen!

He Knows Your Name!

I attended a funeral today.  Since my dad wasn't raise by his birth parents, it's always a little tricky trying to explain relation to certain family members.  Today was the funeral, or rather celebration of life, of Dad's oldest "cousin-brother's" wife, or sister-in-law as Dad always viewed her.  (Dad was raised by his uncle & aunt, therefore the term "cousin-brother".)

Juanita was one of the kindest, gentlest, most joyful souls you could ever meet.  I don't think there was a single time in all of my 36 years of knowing her that when I saw her she didn't 1) give me a hug 2) compliment me & 3) smile.  These 3 things were true even when her husband passed away, then when her youngest son passed and a few months ago when her oldest son passed.  And though I saw her shed tears, I also saw her smile and heard her thank the Lord for being good.

Her daughter told me today how the night her Mom passed away progressed.  She was having some trouble breathing but didn't want her daughter to call the ambulance.  Eventually, around 3 in the morning, she was breathing a little easier.  She'd asked her daughter earlier to write something down for her, it was something to the extent of "I am at peace with my Lord Jesus".  Well, a little after 3 she asked her daughter if she'd heard someone say her name.  The daughter hadn't, but told her mom that if it was God calling her home, she should go be with Him.  A few minutes later, she said she heard her name again.  Her daughter said she took a couple more breaths, then her face just became so peaceful as she drifted.  And in that moment, Juanita stood before the Lord, seeing Him face to face.

I have no doubt that Juanita was hearing the Lord call her name...it was time for her to come home.  Jesus said in John 10:4 "I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own."  He knows your need, He knows your heart, He know YOUR NAME.  Oh, beloved, how precious is that?!  And oh, how sweet of a gift God gave her daughter...to know that her mom was hearing Him call her home, by name!!

In this life we will have sorrows, we will miss those who go on before us...but if we are His, we don't mourn like those who have no hope!  We know that one day He will call us home for eternity.  And you'll know when He's calling you, because He knows your name!!

What you might not realize about your worship leader

I’m working on the set list for tonight’s worship & intercession gathering.  And, it’s the 14^th anniversary of 9/11.  And, there have been hearings taking place this week in Washington DC regarding the funding of Planned Parenthood.  And, on a less national level, there are a million other things going on in my life and in the lives of those I love.

And my heart cares about each and every one of these things.  And many times throughout my day, I am in prayer for many of these issues…while still keeping on the task at hand.  Sometimes, though, my heart is broken so deeply that I have to take a break from what I’m doing and simply go before the Throne of God, fall on my knees and weep.  And in the midst of all of this, I have to set aside time to seek His heart for others, to hear what He's wanting to share.

After thinking about a conversation I recently had with a friend, I thought I'd share a few things you might not realize about your worship leader...

First and foremost, I want the Lord’s heart to be heard anytime I’m leading worship.  I take the privilege of leading God’s people into His presence very seriously.  Though it may seem like picking out 6-8 songs is an extremely easy task that can be done in 10 minutes, that’s not how I (or most worship leaders) go about it.  I try to spend time with the Lord, seeking His heart and His direction.  Do I miss the mark at times?  Yes, definitely, I’m human.  But that still doesn’t mean I haven’t sought Him and His heart towards you.

Sometimes when I’m leading, I will hear the Holy Spirit give me a song that I hadn’t originally put in the set…and there will be no words on the screen.  Sometimes I miss it when I’m prepping.  Sometimes, sometimes that’s just how the Holy Spirit moves.  Sometimes it’s a test of my faith…will I follow His leading rather than trust my own?  Sometimes, there’s one person in the midst whose heart needs to be reached.  I don’t pretend to understand why God does what He does, He is God, and I am not.  So, if there aren’t words on the screen and it’s a song you don’t know by heart, don’t check out.  Press in, seek Him.  I’ve had people tell me “I didn’t know that song, so I just prayed and He shared [insert care of His heart] with me…and I was so moved by feeling His heart!”  Want to know something?  Most of the time that was the care of His heart He was sharing with me too! 

Sometimes we will sing the same song (or songs with similar message) more than one time in a month…sometimes even weeks in a row.  God wants to share His heart…always.  And during some seasons, He wants our hearts to be heavily burdened for specific cares of His heart.  Please don’t think me to be lazy and that I simply re-use the set list from last week.  And know that if we’ve done the same song 3 weeks in a row, I’ve probably spent time reminding the Lord of that very fact.  But when I stand before Him, I will not be accountable to you, only to Him.

Sometimes we will sing the same line or chorus multiple times.  This is not because I didn’t plan ahead with enough songs to fill the service, nor is it because I simply like the tune (though I very well may!)  It’s again something I am hearing in my spirit.  I know not everyone likes to sing the same line over and over.  I would encourage you to quit just singing it.  Make it the prayer of your heart.  Remember Revelation 4:8 – the 4 living creatures around the Throne declare “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” and the Word says they NEVER cease, DAY and NIGHT.  For me, realizing that this is what they do for ALL eternity…kind of puts singing “You are my King” 12 times into perspective.  It’s not because of “liking” a song…it’s simply declaring Truth and because He is worthy!

There are days when I’m not “feeling it”.  You know what I’m talking about.  You have days when you’re getting ready for church, worship, whatever and you’re like “meh, I’ll go sit in the seat because that’s what I’m supposed to do”.  I have those days too…only I’m behind my keyboard with your eyes on me.  I’m not a fan of the “fake it til you make it” teaching because I desire to be authentic.  I am, however, a huge fan of Psalm 100:4 “Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise!  Give thanks to Him; bless His name!”  If you take but a moment to lift your eyes off of your circumstances & choose to be thankful for all He has provided, you can sing “Blessed Be His Name” even when it feels like all hell is crushing in on you!  Again, He is worthy regardless of what’s going on in our lives!

There are times I have to remind myself - this is not about you and it’s not about me.  Times when my throat is scratchy from allergies, when my foot is cramping from standing behind the keyboard for over an hour, when someone has said something so hurtful I just want to be alone and cry - this isn't about any of those things.  It’s about Him!  The uncreated God of the universe, who created us and gave us life, who CHOOSES to LOVE us…He also longs to hear our voices & see our faces!  And He loves our weak love, and loves to hear our weak “yes”.  He is Worthy of all worship!  Not just the songs we sing, but of lovers of Him to live lives of complete obedience and reckless abandon!

I count it an honor and privilege to serve God and His people.  He knows exactly how terribly short I fall each and every day, yet He blesses me with opportunities to serve Him!  

Death, where is your sting?!

The older I get, the more aware I am that there are so many times in life that it just stinks to be an adult.  Since the beginning of 2015, I have been reminded of this.  My parents had a couple that were their best friends for as long as I can remember…their friends went to our home church, they came to every birthday party, supported every mission trip I went on both in finances & cards, letters, etc., called on a regular basis “just to check up”.

In February, after she had recovered from a severe illness, he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and not given a good prognosis.  This is my father’s best friend.  And since my mom died, they’ve been even closer.  Since Dad can’t drive, he has picked him up for church & other meetings they go to together.  The hard part of being an adult?  When I explained for the 3rd time (traumatic brain injury) to my dad that the prognosis wasn’t good & my father looked at me with misty eyes and said “So you’re saying he’s dying?  I’m losing my best friend?”  And I replied “Unless God intervenes with supernatural healing, yes, he will die from this cancer”. 

Earlier this week, after she had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks, she didn’t survive this past illness.  So, tonight I will be going to my mom’s best friend’s visitation…and I will watch my dad try to console his best friend who has lost his wife and doesn’t seem to be winning his battle with cancer. 

Sometimes, life just stinks.  It just does.  But, I can choose joy and I will choose joy.  Though I will mourn with Terry, I will still choose joy.  How?  Because I know that Mary Ellen is worshiping at Jesus’ feet!  And I know that my mom and her best friend have been reunited!  And I know that one day, I’ll be with them too.  I will choose joy because I can proclaim 1 Corinthians 15:55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”!  So grateful for the Father’s love and Jesus’ obedience on the cross!! 

Ten years ago today...

I heard someone on the news talking about the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  Then I realized that 10 years ago today, I was on a plane on my way to China.  Wow!  10 years!  Is it possible for 10 years to seem like the blink of an eye & also feel like 2 lifetimes all at the same time??  I hope so, because that's where I am!

Ten years ago right now, I was flying for the first time in my life!  I remember how the pilot on one flight said we'd made good time & arrived early because of Katrina (tailwinds or something).  I remember that on the last leg of the journey - the flight from Tokyo to Guangzhou - I started feeling really sick.  I mean, the smells of the food we'd been served made me nauseous.  I couldn't hardly make myself eat the food, which left me hungry.  Throw in some turbulence and exhaustion...and I was done!  Seriously, I was done.  On the last flight, I had it out with God.  I told Him, in no uncertain terms, that the moment we landed & I got my luggage, I was putting a return flight on my credit card and staying at the airport until I flew home.  There was no way I could do this...I am not adventurous enough to eat foods that the smells make me sick.  I could not live a year where I couldn't understand the language (I already couldn't understand the flight attendants).  Others on my team had a shared history, so not only was I feeling bad, but I was already the odd-man out...and we hadn't even landed yet.  So I waited until the light changed signaling I could go to the restroom, walked back there, threw up and then bawled my eyes out and threw up again.

The more I told God I was going back home, the less nauseous I felt.  I figured that meant I had God's approval & it was His peace.  I thought He must have been testing my faith like He did with Abraham...just seeing if I was truly willing to make the sacrifice He asked, then at the last minute He was saying He wouldn't hold me to it.  As I walked back up the aisle and took my seat, I could see beautiful city lights.  The pilot began to speak (not in English)...the only word I understood was "Guangzhou" ...the city I was to live in.  I looked out the window at the lights again and heard God, in His still, small voice, say, "This is why you're here.  Take a good look.  There are MILLIONS living in this city.  They don't know Me.  Some have never even heard of My Name.  And they WILL spend eternity in Hell when they die if they don't know Me.  You have to tell them about Me."   Then He said "Yes, this is going to be a hard year.  Yes, you're going to feel left out at times.  Yes, there will be times you will cry out to Me fearing I've forsaken you.  That's because you're still living on Earth.  This is life, there are seasons.  Yes, this year will be more intense because you're away from all you know and all that is familiar.  But know this, the fire is where purification takes place.  It will be hard, you will want to quit, but I am with you.  My Word's still true - I will NEVER leave or forsake you.  And I love you!  I want you to share My love with others this year just as you do at home, but know that I am drawing you even closer to Me...  I am jealous for your heart and I will take full advantage of the fact that you're physically away from all you know & love to show you My love, to grow you in Me, to become your best friend, to become the 1st One you turn to.  Yes, this year will be hard, but I promise you will be blessed as well.  And, I love you and will never leave you!  Do you trust Me?"  Well, He'd never not kept His Word to me before, so I had to trust Him.

So, when the plane landed, we got our 3000 pounds of luggage - or maybe it was 2-70 lb suitcases & 2 carry-ons :), met teammates I'd only met online prior to that night and got on a bus that took us to our apartment.  It was around midnight, I was starved, exhausted and still an emotional wreck.  I remember a couple of us going to the C-store across the street - I got Pringles & a Coke Light.  Ahh, a little comfort. :)  I remember calling Mom to let her know we'd landed & "yes, I promise I'm fine".  Yeah, it was a lie you tell your Momma when you're on the other side of the world so she doesn't freak out.  I think I cried myself to sleep while feeling extremely claustrophobic in the bottom bunk and more emotional than I'd felt in a long time. lol

No, the year was not easy.  But, I did fall even more in love with Jesus than I thought possible.  And God continued to keep His Word - He never left me.  Every tear, every sniffle, every doubt, every giggle, every "arrgghhh" moment, He was right there with me.  And though it wasn't easy, I am forever thankful that I followed when I heard His voice.

Seasons....

There are seasons.  Seasons in the world, seasons in our lives.  Seasons are completely natural.  I know this to be true.  The problem I'm having lately?  Seasons are supposed to change.  And I feel like I've been in the same season for years...  I feel as though I'm in a season of simply surviving....emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, any other "ally".  And I long to be in a season of thriving!  Fully living!  And, if I'm completely honest, I feel like I'm surviving for others...not even for me.  Maybe that's why I don't feel like I'm living...I have trouble seeing how any aspect of my life is simply for me...my growth, my living in God....all I see is that I'm here for everyone else's dependence & use.  I'm not complaining, seriously I'm not, I'm just being honest.

We never know when seasons are going to change...we just know they're supposed to.  I feel, in so many ways, like I've been in a winter season for years.  I'm ready for spring!

"For lo, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth:  The time of singing has come.  And the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land." -Song of Solmon 2:11-12

I am SO ready for that spring season...for this winter to be gone!

Alone...

In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, we're told to "pray without ceasing".  I definitely can't say I've achieved that.  But I do converse with God all throughout my day.  Oh, there are times that are set aside to pray for specific requests...taking my petitions before Him.  There are times that are simply for listening/seeking His Will/direction on specific issues.  But, most of the time, there's just a dialogue going throughout the day.  Sometimes it's about little, seemingly unimportant things.  Other times, when I'm sharing my heart, my thoughts, my feelings on bigger issues....those are times when it gets real.

I find that I spend a lot of time asking the "whys" of it all.  I ask "why?" more now than I ever dreamed of asking when I was a child.  Why is this the way it turned out?  Why is this getting so much harder?  Why aren't You being more clear with the lesson You would have me learn (that I'm apparently not)?  A big "why" that seems to be asked in the past few years is "Why do You see fit to leave me here alone?"

Now, I'm aware that there are other people on the planet...I lived in a large city in China, I'm very aware of how many people are on this Earth!  I'm talking about every day life.  I take care of people, I teach children, I lead worship, I spend time with wonderful family and amazing friends.  I love to serve God and His children in whatever way I can.  I was raised by my parents and grandparents to be kind, courteous and helpful, plus it's part of my personality.  I honestly love to pour out into others, I truly do.

But reality hits when I come home, when I'm exhausted or I'm sick...and I'm alone.  Reality hits when I sit down from leading worship or get into my car after time with friends...I'm alone.  Yes, God is always with me, and I'm forever thankful He never leaves me, but reality is that there is no human here with me to hold me when I feel broken, to hug me when I cry, to bring me medicine when I'm sick or to simply remind me that God has not left me.

I know that I am blessed, and I am truly thankful for family, both natural and through Christ.  I know that I'm blessed to love and be loved.  But, it doesn't change the fact that in many moments when I need human interaction or conversation, I am alone.  When I need someone to talk to about taking care of my dad, when I need someone to listen and then talk me down from the edge of panic, I am still alone.  Yes, I am blessed with family in Christ, but, I'm only seeking to be 100% transparent here, though they love me and do care, their families come first.  I am very aware that in those moments (because it's been pointed out to me), I am distracting them or taking them away from their own family.  So, I am left with the choice to bother someone else or cry out to God...most times never not feeling alone.

And I find myself asking God "Why?".  Is there something I've done, some heinous sin that is keeping me alone in this life?  Have I failed to follow Your leading in some way?  Have I angered You in some way?  Am I too needy?  Am I too independent?  Am I too ugly?  Am I too serious?  Am I not serious enough?  Am I too bold?  Am I too timid?  Am I so unlovable that only God Himself can choose to love me...and that's because He IS love?

I truly don't believe I'm still single for any of those reasons.  I know many non-Christians who are married.  I know many people that are consistently negative about everything in life who are married.  I know downright mean people who are have throngs of people who love them.  I know many people who don't know how to let love in, how to be loved...but they're still loved and surrounded by so many.

In all of the times of seeking God's heart, this is an issue that I haven't ever heard an answer on.  One time, I thought the answer I heard was that this season of life would change, but that was quite some time ago...and everything seems to be the same.  Maybe it was wishful thinking added to my prayers.  Maybe I misheard.  Maybe I heard correctly, but His timing is not what I expected.

So...I find myself alone again.  And I will go to Him again.  I will pour out my heart to Him and seek His heart towards me again.  I will do my best to listen to His still, small voice....and maybe one day, I'll hear a clear answer.  In the meantime, I'll keep loving and serving Him and His people and I will choose joy, even if there are tears involved, I will choose joy.  And I'll keep asking the "whys" of it all...knowing that my heart is what He's after.  And knowing that time spent with Him - seeking His heart - is what truly changes mine.

Family in Him is Important

Until a few years ago, I would never have thought twice about sharing details of my life (good and bad, easy and hard) with those in the Body of Christ.  I mean, that's how the Body serves one another as a family...by sharing life.  Now, though, I put everything through a filter.  And my filter is at times so small, that I end up sharing nothing, or if I share, it's only the good/easy things.

A few years ago, I was going through a particularly hard season.  After two extremely difficult weeks where I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of those who were much of the source of my difficult weeks, I found myself with God-family friends.  When they asked how things were going, I was honest.  I shared some of the hurts...things that were said and done, who said or did these things (because who they were in my life added to the sting).  When I got done sharing some of these things, I was already feeling lighter.  I had needed to tell a physical person what had made my heart hurt so badly.  And the response I was received was to quit complaining.  I took the response to the Lord in prayer and added to my pain the extreme guilt that I felt over this.  I spent hours on my face before the Lord asking Him to heal my heart and begging for His forgiveness. A few days later, I was with God-family I hadn't seen for a little while.  We were together for hours, just catching up and sharing life.  I determined I was only going to share good things, but in that season, there honestly was not much good other than breathing...and I'm still not sure that was good...being with Jesus was extremely appealing (more than normal).  I was much quieter than normal, and answered their questions, using my filter to only answer positively...but some questions required sharing negative things to answer the questions honestly.  At the end of our hours together, as we were saying goodbyes, I was told again that I shouldn't focus so much on the negative and I should not share so many negative things of life with people, lest I be seen as whining, and God doesn't like a whiner.

Know what has happened since those encounters that one week?  I have gone from being a person who has always been an open book about the facts of my life, even though somewhat guarded with emotions, to someone who is now guarded with facts of life and only shares emotions when (amazing) friends pry them out of me.  I'm thankful for these friends, but it is not fair that they have to work so hard to get my honest heart.  And I'm trying to not be that way...I don't think it's healthy, and I definitely don't want to lose these beautiful friends because I'm too much work.  And I take it to the Lord, asking Him what I am free to share and what should be reserved for just Him.  The problem with this?  I asked Him these questions before those encounters, and honestly thought I heard His voice clearly that these were people I was safe to share my heart with.  Now, every time I think I hear Him say that some one's safe, I question my hearing, because apparently I didn't hear Him clearly before.

I've come to realize a few things over the past few years, though.  Last week, I shared this with a friend (one of those who is willing to climb the walls I have up around my emotions) and I realized something.  Both of these encounters included me being the only single person...I was always with married couples, which is extremely normal in the Church, at least in my rural area.  I have an amazing memory (sometimes I hate it because it's hard for me to forget!), and I've re-watched these encounters in my mind more times than I care to admit, trying to figure out exactly what I said that was complaining or whining.  And I've come to realize that I wasn't complaining, I wasn't whining, I wasn't expecting validation for some offense in my heart.  I was simply sharing facts of my life and the shape they'd left my heart in.  There's a really great chance every one of the people I was with does the same thing.  They don't just share the facts of their lives, they vent about how those facts make them feel.  But, they have a built-in listener/sounding board, because they're married.  They can share these things with their spouse and not have it weighing so heavy on their heart when they're with church family.  I'm single, I don't have that luxury.  I noticed this wasn't as much of an issue for me until after my mom died.  I was able to share the ups, the downs, the joys, the hurts...all of those things I shared with her.  When she died, I not only had the grief of losing my mother, but the reality of losing my best friend.  I was 30 when she died...all of my other friends had their best friends chosen.  And former best friends were now married to their new best friends.

So what was the point of sharing all of that?  Well, it definitely wasn't to bash anyone.  I am not offended with or angered at these people.  Reality is that they likely don't even remember saying anything.  And if they do, I know they are people that love me and would definitely not have set out to hurt my heart.  Just the opposite, actually, I believe these people would keep my heart from hurting if they could.  I guess I'm hoping that anyone in the Church who reads this will be a little slower to label someone as a complainer.  We all complain sometimes, and it's good for someone to point out our complaining if we aren't seeing it.  But, sometimes people need a trusted friend to share their heart without being judged.  And maybe even to give some insight to those who are married within the Church.  I'm not pretending all married people live glamorous, stress-free lives.  But, you do have someone to share your heart with on a regular basis.  You can vent to your spouse when whatever issue arises on Thursday and it's out of your system in time for you to have it together on your way into church.

Yes, I do take everything to the Lord.  I'm forever grateful that He never tires of hearing me. that He loves and longs to hear my voice.  And I long to hear His voice!  There are times, though, that I long to have someone that I can be completely open and honest with...someone with skin, someone that I can see...without the fear that I'm going to be judged or called out for sharing my life.  I think we're created to be in community, in His family....that means being willing to be with a brother or sister when they're facing circumstances and praying with them when their heart feels shredded beyond repair by those circumstances, not shredding their heart even more.