Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Yep...I'm 30 now!

So I turned 30 last Saturday. That's right...the big 3-0!! I think I've dealt with it relatively well. I only had a few weeks of dreading it. But I think I said it aloud often enough before the day itself that I was ready to say "why yes, I am 30 years old".

Every few months or so, I try to take time for reflection. Where did I think my life was going? Am I there yet? Am I on the right track? Did I really hear the Lord say that this is the right direction? Turning 30 seemed like a good time to reflect. I began to think "What's the difference in my life now & what I thought it would be like 10 years ago?"

Ten years ago, I was celebrating my 20th birthday in my new apartment in Carbondale. I was beginning my junior year in college at Southern Illinois University - Carbondale. I had originally planned to attend Oakland City University (a small General Baptist college in Indiana), but the day before I was to register, I felt the Lord tell me I was to go to SIU. So I was a tad bit excited, but mostly anxious. I remember dreaming about what my life would be like in 10 years...when I turned 30! Here was the plan for my life: Finish my Bachelor's in Social Work at SIU in 2001. Work for Department of Child & Family Services....let them pay for my Master's in Social Work. Stay working at DCFS for 30 years and retire with a full state pension by age 55. I wanted to buy the 5 acres behind my parents' property and build a house by the creek. (It's really GORGEOUS there!) I wanted to meet a wonderful, Godly man that wanted to serve God with me in our local church. I wanted to travel around the US and the world! I wanted to get married around age 30 & (if I'm able to conceive and carry) have a baby around 32. Yep, that was my plan in a nutshell. I prayed over these things and didn't really hear God say yes or no, so I thought they must be good ideas.

Here's what really happened: I finished my Bachelor's in Social Work in May 2001 as planned. I did my internship at DCFS before graduation, but was unable to be hired without a year of experience. So I took a job at Lutheran CFS and worked there for only 3 months before realizing I DIDN'T like the job that well! Ahhh! Plans gone awry! I began working in outpatient mental health at the local Counseling Center. I really enjoyed this job, even though I didn't think I would at all. I started to see myself there for a long time, and then the agency dissolved!

It was during that time that God called me to apply to the New Life Drama Company. I had no experience in acting, nor did I think I would enjoy it, but I followed His lead. So I spent a tour (3 1/2 months) on the road with NLDC. My team toured Southern California, Arizona, Texas and Nevada. It was AMAZING! When I returned home, I began substitute teaching and LOVED it! So I applied and began a program at Oakland City (yes, the same one I didn't attend earlier) to complete my Master's of Arts in Teaching degree. It was a tough 14 months complete with school work, substitute teaching and then student-teaching, but in the end I finished the program & received my teacher's license! Only to find no teaching positions, so I continued substitute teaching, still loving it & working almost every day!

In 2005, I applied & interviewed for the job that I had student-taught. It was going to be perfect! I knew the school, knew the kids & faculty & already had 1/4 of the lesson plans done! The day before the school board made a decision, God called me to do His work in China for a year. The school board had decided not to hire me, which I realized was all of God's sovereign plan. If I had been given the position here, I may not have gone to China. I spent the 2005-2006 school year teaching English at South China Agricultural University in Guangzhou, China. God worked in so many tremendous ways in that mission field! It was beyond an amazing experience! Two weeks before I was to leave for china, the doctors saw a brain tumor on my dad's CT scan. They didn't know if he would survive the surgery at all, and if he did, they thought there could be significant memory loss. God and I had to wrestle about my obedience to follow Him -- my dad might not be alive when I came home, or he may not remember who I was! God blessed me with wonderful parents who were positive that God had called me to be a missionary & they requested I follow Him. My dad's words were "if I die from the tumor or surgery, it's OK because I know where I'm going....there's millions of Chinese people who need for you to go and tell them about Jesus so they can have Him too". Can parents be anymore wonderful?!?!

While I was in China, I was also blessed with the opportunity to visit missionaries in Davao City, Philippines TWICE! Wonderful place, beautiful people! Wen I returned home from my year overseas, I accepted a national missions position for 2 months working for a church plant in Florida. When I left Florida, I came back home - or as my mom calls it "Meredith's home-base". haha

I began substitute teaching again and remembered that I loved it! Shortly after I returned home, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, so I understand why God had called me home. I was able to be with my parents 24/7 since I didn't have a full-time job. We've gone through chemo, remission, more chemo, horrid bowel obstruction ending in an ileostomy, and more chemo yet. And that's where I find things in my life on my 30th birthday!

So, is my life what I thought it would be? Not completely! I don't even work in Social Work anymore, I no longer have a desire to stay in Clay County, I've no prospects of marriage any time soon, and I'm the full-time caregiver for both of my parents. However, I was able to travel all over the US and a few places in this world, finish my Master's and serve my Jesus wherever He put me!

I'm not always glad about the circumstances in my life, but because of these circumstances (good and bad), I have fallen SO much more in love with my Jesus! And daily I'm learning more and more of His vast love for me as the Lover of my Soul, my Bridegroom, my Beloved!

In 10 years, when I turn (eeek) 40, I pray that I will look back on this time & say "Oh, that faith I thought I had. Oh, the love I thought I understood....I was such a baby in the Lord then!" I don't know where He will send me in the future, nor what job He will have me to do. But of this I am sure, as long as I am walking in His Will and following His steps, He will provide all of my needs and I will NEVER be alone!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I would like to write a book....

Every so often, I will hear myself tell someone (or myself for that matter), "You know, one day, I would love to write a book." I hear that come out of my mouth & wonder what on Earth I would write about! I mean, my life is more interesting than some, but doesn't compare to others. And that statement was what caused me to hear God telling me that I'm not to compare. My story is just as important to Him as anyone else's.

I don't know that I'll ever actually write a book in this lifetime. However, I can write little blips here and there.

My life. Did you ever wonder how you got to where you are? I've pondered that exact sentiment numerous times throughout my life. I suppose it's human nature to contemplate such things in each new season of our lives. In a few weeks, I will turn 30. This fact means two things. There are SO many experiences in this life that are not mine yet. However, it also means I've been here on this old Earth long enough to have more than a few interesting experiences. Experiences that differ from everyone else in this world. Actually, everyone has individual experiences, even if it's just in the way we were conceived and born.

My mother was told she would never have children, which was fine with her because she didn't particularly know if she wanted to be a mother. Surprise, surprise! A little over a year into my parents' marriage found them pregnant with their firstborn (that would be me!). While my mother was pregnant with me, she was hit & ran over by a car, took numerous spills down stairs & such, and was also shocked from the socket box in our mobile home so hard that it literally threw her 8 feet across the room. It's no wonder I came into this world a month earlier than I was supposed to! My mother was a nurse at the local hospital and wasn't scheduled for maternity leave for 4 more weeks. After being admitted to the OB unit, my mother clocked in and sat in a staff meeting. Then, I'm told it was during Charlie's Angels that she asked the nurse if she could use the restroom rather than the bedpan. She was permitted to do so. Upon my mother's return to her bed, the nurse found that she was fully dilated. Do you know what that means? That's right! I was just minutes away from being born in the toilet! And then once I was out, my mother took one look at me and said "Oh Lord, what did I do to deserve this?" Apparently I was an ugly baby. I was sickly skinny - skin and bones with size 2 feet complete with hands and ears to match! I had inch-long hair on only one-half of my head (the other half had rubbed off due to a short umbilical cord). I also had/have what is known as an "angel's kiss" (my eye turns purple when crying hard). Have you pictured all of this? Are you laughing yet? I told you they said I was an ugly baby!

Now I told you all of that to say this: No two people have the same experiences in this life. Even if your story is similar to mine, not every detail would match. That's because God created us as individuals! He loves to give each of us a different story! He does this so that we have a reason to speak and share with one another. If our experiences matched completely, we would have no reason to form relationships with others, because we would already know all of the facts. Since He's created us all differently, we have to communicate with each other to find out how we've all reached the place we are. Ah, the beauty of a God who created a need for community!!

Well, it's late, so I should head to bed now. Oh, and in case you were wondering, my mother decided when I was 4 weeks old that I was no longer ugly. She now says that I'm beautiful. And I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact I look so much like her that our pictures could pass for one another's!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

My Mom....

My mother has always characterized herself in the same manner I heard her father refer to himself: "Jack of all trades, master of none."

My mother is a wonderful cook, but you'll not find her food in any restaurants.
She is a great seamstress - making most of my & my sister's childhood clothes; even making formal gowns for dances and weddings, though you won't see any of her articles in trendy boutiques.
Mom is great with tools - always fixing the little mechanical issues. On the day of her retirement party, I heard talk of her skills. A co-worker was telling Mom she'd changed a battery in a piece of machinery. The boss replied "Oh, I knew it had been changed, but it takes a screwdriver to fix it, and I knew Gladys hadn't been here, so I couldn't figure out who'd done that." Even with talk like that, you won't find her name in the yellow pages.
My mom was a great nurse. In fact her physician and dear friend, Dr. Fred Cycholl, told me on more than on occasion "your mother should have become an RN or the hospital should change its stupid policies, because she's the best ER nurse this county has ever seen". Yet to this day, my mother has never gone beyond LPN in Nursing.

These are but a few of the examples to support her theory "Jack of all trades".

However, I strongly disagree with her opinion. I believe my mother is a master of many things.

She has been a wonderful employee and co-worker: always working her hardest and giving it her all - even when she was usually the lowest paid.
She should be hired as a financial consultant to balance the federal budget. It was amazing how she balanced our measly budget, yet our needs were always met.
She has been an amazing friend to all she known - quietly finding little ways to show her love and appreciation.
She's an excellent sister - one with siblings calling her the "rock" and "strong one" of the family.
She was a wonderful daughter to both of her parents - loving, obeying and caring for them to the end of their earthly lives.
She has always been a wonderful wife to my father. She took her vows, such as "in sickness, poverty, good times & bad" very seriously because of her strong love for him.
She has been an awesome mom from day one! Even though she never planned to have children, my sister and I can attest to her being the Best Mom in the world! She has loved us so much that somewhere along the way, she became "Mom" and "Best Friend" all rolled into one.
She's an amazing witness for the Lord. Living her life out quietly for Him, yet never missing an opportunity to share Him with others when it presented itself.

Most of all, though, I think she is a Master of Humility. She even shows this in the way she describes herself as "master of none". It's not that she's belittling herself, she just doesn't have an inflated or prideful opinion of herself. She always puts God and others before herself - making sure His Will is done and that people's needs and desires are met before her own.

My mother truly is a Proverbs 31 woman: "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her saying: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

April 29th appointment

Thanks SO much for your prayers! Here's what happened today when we went to Mom's oncologist.

As you know, Mom's CA 125 level went up last month while still taking Doxil (chemo drug). She had a CT scan of the abdomen done on 4/22. We weren't strong enough to not look at the results early, so we peeked Tuesday afternoon. So we went into the appointment today knowing that Mom had 2-3 nodules on her liver. This made Tuesday a really looong evening.

We went into the appointment with heavy hearts. Dr. Dy said that yes, he believes the nodules on the liver are cancer. He said that means the Doxil is not working anymore. Then he said "but we have lots of other options". So he started her on a new chemo drug along with a drug that stops blood flow into cancer cells. So he said the 2nd drug should double if not triple the effectiveness of her chemotherapy. And he is very optimistic that she will respond very well with this treatment! Obviously finding that the cancer has spread was not the best news, but we are very thankful that there are other treatment options and thankful for God's peace throughout the month-long wait. Thank you so much for your prayers. We felt them and wouldn't have made it without them. Thank you again so much!

Friday, April 17, 2009

M & M hanging out!

On the Friday before Easter, Mom & I were blessed with the opportunity to go see Aunt Peggy, Uncle Phil as well as Marie & Parker!

I wish I had gotten a picture of Mom & Parker, but I was busy. They had fun playing with Parker's toys in the family room. I actually think that Mom might have had more fun than Parker. And that kept him entertained! haha Parker & Marie did take some time to play the piano. Jen, I think he's going to be a musician!






Marie & I were busy in the kitchen. Marie made cupcakes - from scratch! You rock girl! Then we mixed up some icing in different colors and decorated cupcakes & cookies. To say that we had fun would be an understatement. Marie has to be one of the coolest cousins EVER! :)






Waiting...

Here's what happened with Mom's CT scan last week. We went to the hospital to get the test done only to find that Mom had left her orders at home. She had them call Dr. Dy's office to give a verbal order and he wouldn't. He said he wanted to give her 4/1 chemo treatment longer to work. So, she will be getting the scan done on 4/21 (next Tuesday).

Now, in the past, Mom has gone in and asked to see a copy of her report. (FYI, this is legal because they are YOUR medical records - they can't deny you seeing them.) However, she has a 4/29 appointment w/Dr Dy. So she's going to wait until that appointment to find out the results. I think this is for that 'just in case they're bad' scenario. There's really no point in finding out the results before the appointment with him, then worrying over what he'll decide.

So I won't have any news on the treatment-front until after the 4/29 appointment.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Dreaded call from the oncologist....

Today, April 3rd, the oncologist's office called. Mom had chemo Wed, April 1st. At that appointment, they did her CA 125 (ovarian cancer marker). They called today with the reuslts....the numbers are still rising, even though she is taking chemo. The doctor said he's going to wait until Mom has her CT scan done to decide the next step. Her CT scan had originally been scheduled for April 22, but we called today to move it up to April 7. So it will most likely be the middle of April before we know anything.

I don't know what the doctor will say, but I have a few ideas of his options. Right now, Mom is on 3/5 a dose of chemo (due to her weakness in the beginning of this course of treatment). He may decide to give her the full dose and see if it is more effective. From what I've read, sometimes they decide radiation is beneficial (although our dr has never mentioned this). There's always the chance that the bloodwork was a fluke, but it had risen a few points last month as well, so my heart tells me that is not likely. If the CT scan shows that the cancer has spread to organs, such as liver, kidneys, pancreas, etc., the most likely option will be comfort measures through the Hospice program.

As I type the word Hospice, my heart sobs. It's not as if this hasn't been a possibility for a while. It's not as if Mom hasn't been miraculously surviving everything they said she wouldn't. It's not as though I haven't prepared myself many times in the past 2 years for the end of this horrid disease. It's not that I don't have faith that God knows what He's doing, He's God...He knows the beginning from the end. It's not that I feel as though I've been abandoned or forsaken by God because His presence has been ever-near throughout this entire time. It's not that I somehow think He's doing wrong by my mom....He loves her more than I ever could.

So why is my heart sobbing? Sadness....sadness at the thought of losing my mom at a younger-than-normal age. Losing my best friend, my confidant, the person who probably loves me the most in the entire world besides God. Sadness at thinking that she won't be there for me to talk to when things are tough, or good for that matter.

Yes, it's sad. But, my sadness at this time is almost on the side of silliness. We won't know the results of Mom's CT scan for probably another week. She could be miraculously healed by that time. Or I may be in a car wreck. Or...North Korea & the US could launch their missiles and we might find ourselves in the middle of a nuclear war. There's no telling what life will be like a week from now.

So for the time being, I'm going to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the awesome relationship I have with my mom. Thankful for the time I've had with her, and still do! Thankful that God is keeping His promise to never leave nor forsake me. Thankful...just because my heart is thankful to Him at this moment!

When the time comes that my mom is not on Earth with me, I will have plenty of time to grieve. But right now, I want whatever time we have left together to be awesome! I've been told that because of this sentiment, I am in denial. I really am not, I'm just choosing to believe Jesus when He said that each day has enough trouble of its own and not to worry about tomorrow.

I will write again after we get the results and talk to the doctor. Please keep Mom in your prayers. We have felt them sustaining us and are so thankful!!!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

New Year's!!!

For the second year in a row, I was blessed with the opportunity to spend 5 days in Kansas City, MO at the Onething conference! It was such an awesome time!! This year the conference had an emphasis on End-times, which proved to be beyond interesting! We headed out Dec 28th & came back Jan 1st. I believe there were 18,000 in attendance - it is always so awe-inspiring to be amongst such a large number of like-minded people!
For New Year's Eve, we had 2nd row seats on the left side...so we were pretty close to the stage. The people in front of are the "dancing" section.

My camera didn't want to take very good pictures. Plus, I'm so short, I couldn't get a good view of the arena.


I stole, ehem, borrowed this picture from the IHOP facebook site. It's a clearer shot of the stage & attendees....from about 1/4 of the way back from the front! It was packed! The worship & teachings were absolutely amazing (as always)! And the time we spent as a group, fellowshiping with and ministering to one another were beyond words!

Christmas with my boys!!

Amanda, Jeremy & the boys were at her parents for Christmas. We had to delay our get-together because of the slick roads. But I did get to see them before I left!

It was too cute! As soon as Aunt Meredith got there holding a bag of presents, they knew what was going on! We told them they had to wait until Judson was up from his nap....so they spent a good 20 minutes telling Amanda "I really think Judson wants to wake up right now"! Too adorable!

I'm not strong enough, though...I caved. (Or maybe it was Amanda, but probably me!) They got to open their individual (non-sharing) presents before Judson woke up. Josiah is 5, so he's a pro at this Christmas present opening bit!

Jonathan got a Cars shirt that lights up. I didn't get a picture, but I'm pretty sure the shirt went about within half an hour after opening. It was a big hit! My favorite thing was hearing him say "I think...it's another box!" I'm sure that was a learned phrase either from Daddy or an uncle......hmm....maybe Grandpa.....


Finally, they got to wake Judson up to open his presents (and the shared presents). I'm convinced that I only need to get bags filled with tissue paper until the 3rd Christmas! I love watching kids open presents!


Ah, I did get a picture of the Cars shirt! They got books to share, as well as a puzzle book that they played with. They each got clothes. I really wasn't being cheap. They're moving to Brazil within the next few months, and I was honestly thinking of shipping prices for their mama!


I'm so thankful I got to spend time with the Tylers this year at Christmas! Especially since they will most likely be in Brazil by the next one. Hmm...do I sense a sub-tropical Christmas trip coming? Possibly! No, really, I have an invite from Jeremy - to the jungle...he wants to take me where I'll get be-headed. Amanda said I can come 2 times - in the city & the jungle. She must want to spend time with me before the be-heading! It's good to have best friends that go way back! :)

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Christmas!!

I believe it is official. I love to take pictures, but am really the worst person to take pictures at gatherings. I get too involved talking (I know, no one can believe that! haha) and I forget to take pictures! So here's what few I have...

I think I went a little overboard on the goodies for no more people than we had. :) But it was fun! I really liked the white chocolate/peppermint fudge recipe!

Here was our true entertainment for the evening! Parker! It's been a LONG time since there were little ones at our house for Christmas. Jen & I are close in age, then Chelle follows by 2 1/2 years. So, yeah, it's been over 25 years since we've had a baby at the house on Christmas! He is such a happy baby and was so much fun! I'll have to get a copy of the pic where he & I are playing a piano duet!

Jeannine, Aunt Peg & Jen are all modeling their new scarves & hats. I got a loom this fall and had a blast! They all look so cute!

And the tradition continues....We actually open presents on Christmas Eve night. So when everyone else leaves, we clean up quickly, then pile all of our presents to one another under the tree. And this is the last picture I took - not a single picture of present-opening. Guess I was just too excited!!