Seasons....

There are seasons.  Seasons in the world, seasons in our lives.  Seasons are completely natural.  I know this to be true.  The problem I'm having lately?  Seasons are supposed to change.  And I feel like I've been in the same season for years...  I feel as though I'm in a season of simply surviving....emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, any other "ally".  And I long to be in a season of thriving!  Fully living!  And, if I'm completely honest, I feel like I'm surviving for others...not even for me.  Maybe that's why I don't feel like I'm living...I have trouble seeing how any aspect of my life is simply for me...my growth, my living in God....all I see is that I'm here for everyone else's dependence & use.  I'm not complaining, seriously I'm not, I'm just being honest.

We never know when seasons are going to change...we just know they're supposed to.  I feel, in so many ways, like I've been in a winter season for years.  I'm ready for spring!

"For lo, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth:  The time of singing has come.  And the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land." -Song of Solmon 2:11-12

I am SO ready for that spring season...for this winter to be gone!

Alone...

In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, we're told to "pray without ceasing".  I definitely can't say I've achieved that.  But I do converse with God all throughout my day.  Oh, there are times that are set aside to pray for specific requests...taking my petitions before Him.  There are times that are simply for listening/seeking His Will/direction on specific issues.  But, most of the time, there's just a dialogue going throughout the day.  Sometimes it's about little, seemingly unimportant things.  Other times, when I'm sharing my heart, my thoughts, my feelings on bigger issues....those are times when it gets real.

I find that I spend a lot of time asking the "whys" of it all.  I ask "why?" more now than I ever dreamed of asking when I was a child.  Why is this the way it turned out?  Why is this getting so much harder?  Why aren't You being more clear with the lesson You would have me learn (that I'm apparently not)?  A big "why" that seems to be asked in the past few years is "Why do You see fit to leave me here alone?"

Now, I'm aware that there are other people on the planet...I lived in a large city in China, I'm very aware of how many people are on this Earth!  I'm talking about every day life.  I take care of people, I teach children, I lead worship, I spend time with wonderful family and amazing friends.  I love to serve God and His children in whatever way I can.  I was raised by my parents and grandparents to be kind, courteous and helpful, plus it's part of my personality.  I honestly love to pour out into others, I truly do.

But reality hits when I come home, when I'm exhausted or I'm sick...and I'm alone.  Reality hits when I sit down from leading worship or get into my car after time with friends...I'm alone.  Yes, God is always with me, and I'm forever thankful He never leaves me, but reality is that there is no human here with me to hold me when I feel broken, to hug me when I cry, to bring me medicine when I'm sick or to simply remind me that God has not left me.

I know that I am blessed, and I am truly thankful for family, both natural and through Christ.  I know that I'm blessed to love and be loved.  But, it doesn't change the fact that in many moments when I need human interaction or conversation, I am alone.  When I need someone to talk to about taking care of my dad, when I need someone to listen and then talk me down from the edge of panic, I am still alone.  Yes, I am blessed with family in Christ, but, I'm only seeking to be 100% transparent here, though they love me and do care, their families come first.  I am very aware that in those moments (because it's been pointed out to me), I am distracting them or taking them away from their own family.  So, I am left with the choice to bother someone else or cry out to God...most times never not feeling alone.

And I find myself asking God "Why?".  Is there something I've done, some heinous sin that is keeping me alone in this life?  Have I failed to follow Your leading in some way?  Have I angered You in some way?  Am I too needy?  Am I too independent?  Am I too ugly?  Am I too serious?  Am I not serious enough?  Am I too bold?  Am I too timid?  Am I so unlovable that only God Himself can choose to love me...and that's because He IS love?

I truly don't believe I'm still single for any of those reasons.  I know many non-Christians who are married.  I know many people that are consistently negative about everything in life who are married.  I know downright mean people who are have throngs of people who love them.  I know many people who don't know how to let love in, how to be loved...but they're still loved and surrounded by so many.

In all of the times of seeking God's heart, this is an issue that I haven't ever heard an answer on.  One time, I thought the answer I heard was that this season of life would change, but that was quite some time ago...and everything seems to be the same.  Maybe it was wishful thinking added to my prayers.  Maybe I misheard.  Maybe I heard correctly, but His timing is not what I expected.

So...I find myself alone again.  And I will go to Him again.  I will pour out my heart to Him and seek His heart towards me again.  I will do my best to listen to His still, small voice....and maybe one day, I'll hear a clear answer.  In the meantime, I'll keep loving and serving Him and His people and I will choose joy, even if there are tears involved, I will choose joy.  And I'll keep asking the "whys" of it all...knowing that my heart is what He's after.  And knowing that time spent with Him - seeking His heart - is what truly changes mine.

Family in Him is Important

Until a few years ago, I would never have thought twice about sharing details of my life (good and bad, easy and hard) with those in the Body of Christ.  I mean, that's how the Body serves one another as a family...by sharing life.  Now, though, I put everything through a filter.  And my filter is at times so small, that I end up sharing nothing, or if I share, it's only the good/easy things.

A few years ago, I was going through a particularly hard season.  After two extremely difficult weeks where I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of those who were much of the source of my difficult weeks, I found myself with God-family friends.  When they asked how things were going, I was honest.  I shared some of the hurts...things that were said and done, who said or did these things (because who they were in my life added to the sting).  When I got done sharing some of these things, I was already feeling lighter.  I had needed to tell a physical person what had made my heart hurt so badly.  And the response I was received was to quit complaining.  I took the response to the Lord in prayer and added to my pain the extreme guilt that I felt over this.  I spent hours on my face before the Lord asking Him to heal my heart and begging for His forgiveness. A few days later, I was with God-family I hadn't seen for a little while.  We were together for hours, just catching up and sharing life.  I determined I was only going to share good things, but in that season, there honestly was not much good other than breathing...and I'm still not sure that was good...being with Jesus was extremely appealing (more than normal).  I was much quieter than normal, and answered their questions, using my filter to only answer positively...but some questions required sharing negative things to answer the questions honestly.  At the end of our hours together, as we were saying goodbyes, I was told again that I shouldn't focus so much on the negative and I should not share so many negative things of life with people, lest I be seen as whining, and God doesn't like a whiner.

Know what has happened since those encounters that one week?  I have gone from being a person who has always been an open book about the facts of my life, even though somewhat guarded with emotions, to someone who is now guarded with facts of life and only shares emotions when (amazing) friends pry them out of me.  I'm thankful for these friends, but it is not fair that they have to work so hard to get my honest heart.  And I'm trying to not be that way...I don't think it's healthy, and I definitely don't want to lose these beautiful friends because I'm too much work.  And I take it to the Lord, asking Him what I am free to share and what should be reserved for just Him.  The problem with this?  I asked Him these questions before those encounters, and honestly thought I heard His voice clearly that these were people I was safe to share my heart with.  Now, every time I think I hear Him say that some one's safe, I question my hearing, because apparently I didn't hear Him clearly before.

I've come to realize a few things over the past few years, though.  Last week, I shared this with a friend (one of those who is willing to climb the walls I have up around my emotions) and I realized something.  Both of these encounters included me being the only single person...I was always with married couples, which is extremely normal in the Church, at least in my rural area.  I have an amazing memory (sometimes I hate it because it's hard for me to forget!), and I've re-watched these encounters in my mind more times than I care to admit, trying to figure out exactly what I said that was complaining or whining.  And I've come to realize that I wasn't complaining, I wasn't whining, I wasn't expecting validation for some offense in my heart.  I was simply sharing facts of my life and the shape they'd left my heart in.  There's a really great chance every one of the people I was with does the same thing.  They don't just share the facts of their lives, they vent about how those facts make them feel.  But, they have a built-in listener/sounding board, because they're married.  They can share these things with their spouse and not have it weighing so heavy on their heart when they're with church family.  I'm single, I don't have that luxury.  I noticed this wasn't as much of an issue for me until after my mom died.  I was able to share the ups, the downs, the joys, the hurts...all of those things I shared with her.  When she died, I not only had the grief of losing my mother, but the reality of losing my best friend.  I was 30 when she died...all of my other friends had their best friends chosen.  And former best friends were now married to their new best friends.

So what was the point of sharing all of that?  Well, it definitely wasn't to bash anyone.  I am not offended with or angered at these people.  Reality is that they likely don't even remember saying anything.  And if they do, I know they are people that love me and would definitely not have set out to hurt my heart.  Just the opposite, actually, I believe these people would keep my heart from hurting if they could.  I guess I'm hoping that anyone in the Church who reads this will be a little slower to label someone as a complainer.  We all complain sometimes, and it's good for someone to point out our complaining if we aren't seeing it.  But, sometimes people need a trusted friend to share their heart without being judged.  And maybe even to give some insight to those who are married within the Church.  I'm not pretending all married people live glamorous, stress-free lives.  But, you do have someone to share your heart with on a regular basis.  You can vent to your spouse when whatever issue arises on Thursday and it's out of your system in time for you to have it together on your way into church.

Yes, I do take everything to the Lord.  I'm forever grateful that He never tires of hearing me. that He loves and longs to hear my voice.  And I long to hear His voice!  There are times, though, that I long to have someone that I can be completely open and honest with...someone with skin, someone that I can see...without the fear that I'm going to be judged or called out for sharing my life.  I think we're created to be in community, in His family....that means being willing to be with a brother or sister when they're facing circumstances and praying with them when their heart feels shredded beyond repair by those circumstances, not shredding their heart even more.

Pressure...

A few years ago I was at a conference.  The session had just ended in prayer and the group I was with was deciding lunch plans.  All of the sudden, I could see this picture before me so clearly.  I could still see everyone around me and I could hear them talking to me, but I couldn't answer them, I HAD to see what God was showing me.  I suppose this was an “open vision” or whatever you might choose to call it.  I know I've had dreams, visions and words from the Lord, but I can tell you this has stuck in my remembrance for years.

While I was sitting in the chair in the auditorium, all of the sudden I could see an autopsy table before me, think the stainless steel tables you see on CSI.  Then, I saw Jesus standing, leaning over the table.  I moved closer to see what He was doing.  Then I saw that there was a heart lying on the autopsy table.  I knew that it was mine.  And I was overwhelmed with the reality that this was all I had to offer Jesus, my heart and all that was within it.  To begin with, I was at peace with this reality because I've known Him since a young age and have walked with Him since then.  I saw Jesus pick up a scalpel in His right hand and my heart in His left.  I was still at peace.  He made an incision down the middle of the heart and turn upside down so that the opening was facing the table.  I just knew that whatever came out was all I had to offer Him (the jewels in the crown I will throw at His feet).  All of the sudden, I realized no pretty jewels were falling out onto the table.  Instead, all I could see were these horrible black lumps of coal.  I was crushed.  I started to try to tell Jesus how sorry I was, that I was so genuinely surprised to see that come out of my heart.  He motioned me to come closer.  I shook my head, refusing to be closer to Him.  He motioned for me to come closer again, with this patient insistence.  So, I walked closer until I was standing next to Him.

His gaze directed me to look at the coal on the autopsy table.  It was then that I saw each lump of coal had writing on it….each had a different sin written… “pride”, “lying”, “lust”, “bitterness”, just to name a few.  I was appalled at the contents of my heart.  There were sins that I honestly thought I had truly repented of and dealt with.  Then, as I was weeping, staring at the coal, Jesus reached His right hand down to the table.  He picked up a piece of coal and started squeezing it in the palm of His hand.  Immediately I said “NO, Jesus!  You can’t!  You can’t touch my sins!  You can’t get dirty handling my sins!”  He said “Just wait and see.”  He just kept squeezing his fist while I kept weeping.  After what seemed to be an eternity, He turned to face me and held out His hand.  I turned away, I didn't want to see His hand dirty from that coal, my sin.  He told me “It’s OK, just take a look”.  When I looked at His hand, I saw one of the most beautiful diamonds shining, glistening in the light!  Oh how beautiful!  I immediately picked up a piece of coal from the table and began squeezing it in my palm, I didn't want Him to touch anymore of my sins and I wanted beautiful stones to give Him.  But when I looked at my hand, it was just black and dirty.  And the dirt kept moving up my arm.  I looked at Jesus’ arm and realized, for the first time, His hand and arm were spotless…no coal dust was there.  So, I squeezed my hand tighter.  The dirt kept moving up and the coal was not changing. 

Jesus reached out, opened my hand and took the coal.  He began His process again, squeezing His fist, and another beautiful stone was the result!  Then He leaned in and said “It only works when I’m the one to do this.  You can’t cleanse sins, you can’t take the dirty coal and turn it into beautiful gems.  When you allow me to apply pressure, though, that’s when the transformation happens.  You kept crying out for me to not touch your sins, but don’t you remember, My beloved?  I took on your sin 2000 years ago.  I became sin so that this process could take place!”  By this time, I was a sobbing heap on the floor at His feet.  “Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me!  You deserve so much more than the coal/sin in my heart, please take them away!  Please make them beautiful so that You may have a beautiful crown!”  He pulled me up off of the floor and told me again how important the pressure is to change the coal into diamond.  How many times I think that the pressure is simply useless attacks from Satan, and while Jesus isn't causing evil, He is allowing it so that the transforming pressure can occur.

Then He began picking up my sins one at a time, applying pressure and turning them into beautiful gemstones.  When every piece of coal had been transformed into a gorgeous stone, He picked up my heart and began placing the stones, one by one, back into my heart.  Then He handed me my heart and told me to remember to run to Him in the times of great pressure, to give my sin to Him so that He could transform it.

My prayer, for you and me, is that when the hard times come, when the pressures of this life become intense, we would turn to Him.  Take all of our heart to Him, don’t hide anything back, but let Him do His transforming work.  

2015....Time to KNOW His voice..

I have been asking the Lord this past week or two, what is going to be important for 2015?  What is something that believers need to know, understand, receive fresh revelation on?  I've heard Him tell me (and others) that it's going to be important to truly KNOW His voice in the coming year.  In John 10:27 Jesus said, "My sheep know My voice, and I know them. They follow Me".  We can only follow Him if we know His voice.  And how do we come to know His voice?  You have to spend time with Him.  I'll never forget when I'd only been at a new church a short time and I had to call one of the ladies I was working with in children's ministry.  Her husband answered the phone, I asked for his wife, then I heard him tell her "Meredith's on the phone for you".  I asked if they'd gotten Caller ID (yeah, it was a while ago lol).  He told me they still didn't have caller ID....he knew my voice because of the time I'd spent with them!  Have you had something like that happen?  I was so excited!  Even thinking about it now, almost 15 years later, my heart remembers the joy I felt when my voice had been recognized!  And these were just people I was getting to know at church (and still do love, by the way).  Can you imagine God's joy when we recognize His voice?  He created us, He longs for relationship with us, He longs to hear OUR voice.  I can't imagine how His heart must feel when we recognize His voice!

We're told in Isaiah 60:2 that a deep darkness is coming, that will cover the whole earth.  It's going to happen, the days will grow darker, evil will be more prevalent.  But, in the same verse, He also tells us "but the Lord will arise upon you, and His glory will be seen upon you".  Wow!  His glory will be seen upon us!  Do you know part of the equation of that happening?  Following His voice!

I also hear the Lord saying that we're at that point in time where His people need to know His voice for themselves.  I'm probably not the only one that's guilty of going to people that I know hear the Lord, and asking their take on things.  Don't get me wrong...we're still part of the Body, and I think it's important for us to share, but the time's upon us that we need to be able to discern His voice for ourselves at a greater level.  He has called us His friends, and He wants to share His secrets with us...not just a few of us, but every one of us that He calls "friend".  

Another part of knowing His voice is discerning what you're hearing.  If you hear a voice that sounds like the Lord's, but what you're hearing doesn't line up with Scripture, it's not God!  Don't follow that voice!  Run the other direction, don't pass Go, don't collect $200!  God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore.  He will never tell you something or lead you somewhere that doesn't line up with His Word.  He can't do that, because that would make Him a liar, and He's not man, He can't lie.  

I've also been hearing with increased intensity that it's time to truly follow when we hear His voice.  It's always good to seek Godly counsel (Proverbs 12:15).  Sometimes, though, you need to have faith and do what you heard the Lord say.  Almost a decade ago when God was calling me to spend a year in China, I sought counsel.  I will forever be thankful for the people God has had in my life since before I was born...I know that I am truly blessed to know and love, be known and loved by so many Godly people.  When planning for China, though, I had differing counsel from these Godly people.  Some told me "of course, that's God, GO!"  I was also told "you're still single, God wouldn't be sending a single woman to the mission field around the world".  And others who pointed out "shouldn't you be getting a job here to pay off those grad school loans?".  Then, before I left, they found my dad's brain tumor.  Time to seek counsel BIG TIME!  I had some who said "Go ahead and go to China, they need to know God and He'll take care of your parents".  (Thankfully my parents were in this category!)  And I had many people reminding me that Scripture says to "honor your mother and father" and that I should cancel my plans, stay home and help my mom with my dad.  I was receiving counsel from MANY Godly people, so many that had helped lay my foundation in the Lord.  Ultimately, I had to hear God's voice and follow Him.  He met me while I was praying, seeking Him, struggling to hear His voice.  I heard Him say "read Matthew 10:37".  I turned there.  Know what it says?  "Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me".  Talk about clarity!!  Now, I'm not saying that you should never take care of your family.  After China, I took care of my mom until she passed from her ovarian cancer.  And I am still Dad's caregiver...because that's what I've heard the Lord ask me to do.  

A lot of the time, following God will not follow conventional wisdom.  1 Corinthians 1:27 says "But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise".  And sometimes, He will ask us to step out, follow Him where other believers aren't going.  This is why it's so important to know His Word, so that we can discern whether it's His leading or not.

So, my prayer for the Church (you and me) is that we would take the time to get to KNOW His voice.  That He would open the ears of the inner man so that we could hear clearly in the midst of the white noise in our lives.  That He will give us fresh revelation of His Word, His voice, His leadership!  I pray that in 2015, the Church will be set apart; that the world would know we are His because we're following Him!  That the glory of the Lord will be seen upon us!!

Not Every Single Woman at Church Wants your Husband

I wasn't going to say anything, but my heart is just so troubled by a call that I received from a friend last week.  She’s a fairly new believer and very newly plugged in to a church.  She’s a smidge younger than me (early 30s).  She’s single, never been married.  She’s found a church where she has friends that attend and she really enjoys.

Here’s why my heart is breaking.  She called to say that she’d been told her friends no longer feel comfortable spending so much time with her.  Her friends are all married.  And some of the church leaders had counseled her friends that it’s not wise to invite my friend (who is *gasp* single) because she’s probably trying to steal their husbands!  She never called just to talk to the husbands.  She never sought out time to be alone with the husbands.  But, since she’s single, it’s a given that she’s out to wreck the marriage!  This infuriates me!

And this hit a nerve, because I've had similar things said about and to me.  It’s so sad that the Church not only allows this kind of mindset, but in some places, actually perpetuates this attitude.  I remember when my friends and I were fresh out of college…starting the (first of many) wedding rounds.  I was in a friend’s wedding, and at the rehearsal I found out I was walking down the aisle with the husband of the gal who was coordinating things.  I was seriously confused when I took the guy’s offered arm to walk down the aisle (you know, like at a wedding), and his wife said “oh, I don’t think you need to be THAT close!”  At the dinner after rehearsal, I overheard her telling others that since I was the only single gal there, they should watch out because I was probably after their husbands/fiancés.  Seriously?  I mean, it’s a wedding procession for goodness’ sake.  And really, I didn't think your husband was all that.  I thought it was a one-time incident, but sadly it wasn't.

I've had friends tell me that we just can’t be very close anymore because the leaders in their churches have warned them about being friends with a single woman…oddly no one’s been told this about their single male friends.  Here’s the deal…God has not given me peace to date a divorced man whose wife left him.  So, why on earth would I try to steal your husband?!  Not to mention the fact that YOU ARE MY FRIEND….or at least supposed to be….why would I do anything to hurt you?!  If I get married one day, and God-forbid you find yourself divorced or widowed, do I need to worry about you stealing my husband??  I should hope not!!

I am so very thankful for the brothers in Christ I have gained when my friends got married!  I love my girl time with my gals….but I also love being able to hang out with them as a couple.  I’m thankful for the sisters in Christ I now have when my guy friends got married!  And I love when they have kids and I get to be the cool “Aunt Mere”.  I’m thankful when I can ask a question about purchasing a furnace, get help on fixing the lawnmower, and get a guy’s perspective on how things are progressing (or not) with the guy I’m crushing on!

I’m concerned that I’m seeing/hearing an increase in the attitude that single women are out to steal husbands or worse yet, being accused of having a Jezebel spirit.  The percentage of adults that are single is rising.  I pray that doesn’t mean the accusations are going to increase as well.  I pray for the day that single adults can be viewed as WHOLE, not half of a person.  I pray for the day that genuine friendships are not viewed in any way other than Godly.

One Day...

Have you ever found yourself saying “One day…”?  What was at the end of your thought?  Or are you like me and you have many endings to that thought?  Mine becomes a list.

One Day….

- I’ll find a man that wants to marry me and I want to marry.

- I’ll adopt my “rainbow tribe” of kids!

- I will feel free in this life.

- I will travel to new countries around the globe.

- I will find a church where I feel like I fit.

- I will simply feel like I belong somewhere.

- I won’t be stuck in a body that hates me and makes me feel old and hurt.

- I will not be afraid to let people see the real me – I am not happy about

   everything all of the time – and I shouldn't have to act like I am.

Then I remember that never will everything feel perfect in the world thanks to sin entering a few thousand years ago.  And my heart will always feel lonely because I was created to be in constant communion with God.

And I can be thankful that One Day...

- Jesus will make the wrong things right.

- I will see Jesus face to face and none (or at least almost none) of these will be of

   any importance.

#Godissogood

Most of you know we've had a very eventful 3 weeks or so at my house.  Dad had a heart attack on June 12.  They attempted a cardiac cath at the first hospital we were transferred to, and then we transferred to Barnes in St. Louis.  At Barnes, we found out they had really done a lot of damage to Dad’s heart at the smaller hospital, so we had to wait for him to heal before trying to place a stent again.  Then he lost most of his strength & had to stay in a rehab/therapy program.

In the midst of all of this with Dad, I ended up with a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in my lung).  I had (what I thought was) a really bad Charley horse (which I get often), but my leg never quit cramping for 4 days.  So by the time I got home to my nurse practitioner, we found the clot in my lung.  Ahh…life.

I tried to post regularly on Facebook about everything taking place, because we were blessed with so many people praying for us that I couldn't keep everyone updated without Facebook.  I tried to convey how grateful we were/are for the prayers every time.  And because I’m young at heart J, I used hashtags in my posts.

Most of the hashtags had to do with being thankful, grateful that God has been with us through everything.  One that I used was “#Godissogood”, another was “#soblessed”.  I received a few messages from people with the main theme being that they were glad God was answering our prayers the way we wanted them, because their own family situations had not had good outcomes.  So, I wanted to clarify something.

The people that sent me messages were not mean people, they are hurting people.  People that prayed and feel as though their prayers went unheard by God.  Yes, I am thankful that Daddy & I are both still alive, and seem to be on good paths for getting back to normal.  But here’s the deal – I would still be blessed and God would still be good even if the outcomes were different!  God is always good!  Psalm 136:1 says “Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!  For His mercy endures forever.”  And Deuteronomy 31:6  tells us “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you”.  The circumstances in my life do not change God’s goodness!  Nor should they change my thankfulness to Him!  And I have His promise that He will not leave me…He’ll be with me no matter what is going on.

My mom had ovarian cancer and suffered tremendously until she saw Jesus face to face.  Through all of that, God was still good!  In the moments after she passed and I missed her and my heart hurt, He was still good!  If my dad hadn't survived his heart attack, God would still be good, and I would still thank Him for His mercy.  If my blood clot had ruptured and things ended differently, God would still be near and He would still be good!

Yes, there will be times in this life when life just stinks and is hard!  It’s reality, we live in a fallen world.  Sometimes circumstances will make it hard to thank Him, hard to trust Him.  But until He fails to honor His word to me, I will choose to be thankful – regardless of the circumstances.  And I will keep telling others that I know that #Godissogood and I am #soblessed because of His great love!

Why I don’t go to church on Mother’s Day…

Disclaimer: I am not seeking pity, just honestly sharing my heart.

Today I am struggling. I suppose it’s my fault that I got onto Facebook & Twitter on Mother’s Day weekend. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not on a crusade against Mother’s Day or moms. I love moms. I loved my mom so much it could make my heart hurt. But when you are a single woman over the age of 25, the Church can feel like the most cruel place to be on Mother’s Day. I’m not going to lie – I haven’t gone to Church on Mother’s Day since my mom died. Sitting in the crowd, not being a mother and no longer having a mother, when all the moms are asked to stand or given a rose – and almost EVERY woman over 25 but you falls in that category – is hard. Before you start to lecture me or preach at me, answer this question – when was the last time you went to a church where you knew next to no one by yourself? And then came home to no spouse to talk with about the sermon? I go to churches all the time in southern Illinois as a single 34-year-old – I DO hard all of the time…this day can just sting the heart more. And, I’m not disqualifying the pain of those who deal with infertility, I've prayed and cried more prayers and tears with these friends than I can remember. But they are usually sitting in the pew with their husbands – having someone to mourn with the loss of what they thought life would be. I’m not trying to diminish that pain. But it’s not the same as a single woman, sitting by herself, praying with all that is within her that God will keep her heart from being offended…because her heart desires to be married and adopt a rainbow tribe of children to love.

I know that I am blessed beyond belief. God gave me to one of the most wonderful mothers to ever walk the face of the earth. I was blessed that my grandmother loved and taught me so much. I’m blessed to have aunts that are so good to me. I’m blessed that I grew up in the Church & have had so many honorary mothers and grandmothers I couldn't name them all. I know that I am blessed. And for those blessings, I will forever be grateful! I will continue to do what my mother taught me – honor these ladies all year long. My mom hated the corsages & the pomp on Mother’s Day. When I was about 7, she told me “Show me you love me all year long, not just on one made-up holiday”. I do celebrate moms! I pray that you are blessed with children who show you they love you all year long! And I will do my best to show you that too! Rather than bursting in tears, looking completely sad & ruining your celebration, I’ll just be praying for you & the ones that gave you the title “Mom” from my prayer closet at home on Mother’s Day morning!

Whose are you?

As I was reading through an old journal, I ran across this gem “The important question is not WHO you are, but WHOSE you are”.  A few months ago in Walmart, this 90+-year-old lady that was stooped over her cart kept staring at me.  I asked her if she needed help reaching something. (Now I’m not tall, but since she seemed not to be 5 ft, I figured odds were better I could reach something!)  She said “Oh, no, sorry, I didn't need anything.  But I have to ask you, are you related to Helen Meredith?”  I was a little surprised by the question, but replied “Yes, she was my grandmother”.  She said “I knew it!  You look so much like her!  So, is your mom Linda or Gladys?  You look like them.”  I told her that Gladys was my mom.  She smiled and went on to tell me that she thought they were both very sweet and nice people.  I agreed. :) And then she went on her way.

I smiled, did the rest of my shopping, smiling while checking out and driving home.  My mom and my grandma were 2 of my most favorite people on Earth!  I realized, though, this lady never asked my name & I shamefully didn't ask hers).  So it hit me that she doesn't know WHO I am, but she knows WHOSE I am.  

This relates to our spiritual life.  The most important questions - “WHOSE am I?  Who do I belong to?”  In order to know my identity, I have to know who I belong to.  Yes, I am a person who stumbles & fails more often than I wish to admit.  But I belong to the Most High King!  I have been bought by the blood of the slain Lamb!!  Jesus says “She is Mine!  I paid the price for her, she has given her life to me.  She is Mine!”  As believers, we are called to be “in” this world, but not “of” it.  

I will never tire of being told I resemble Mom & Grandma, or that I act/sound like Mom & Grandpa because of how much I loved them.  But, how much more awesome is it when someone says “Are you a Christian?  I see Jesus in you.  Your actions are so much like His and your words sound like His.”?!  We are called to “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”!  We can’t let our light shine, though, until we know WHOSE we are.  

So, WHOSE are you?  Who do you belong to?  If you don’t belong to Jesus…I can promise you that He WANTS you to belong to Him!  Tomorrow (Good Friday) is the day we remember how much He loves us & wants us to be His – He went to the cross to die a cruel death for our sins.  THAT is love!!  THAT is the action of someone who wants you to be His!!  I will be eternally grateful that I can rest in the knowledge that I am Beloved’s and He is mine!