When all's said & done!

I was talking with a friend today about funerals. She was talking about paying for a loved one's services, and then we were just talking in general. And I'm watching a movie in which someone just said goodbye to his best friend, and it's the funeral scene right now.

Now, growing up in a Christian home and being a preacher's kid, I've been to my share of funerals & visitations. Shoot, I've even sang at funerals (not as weird as you'd think!). I've attended those of loved ones - biological family, church family, friends. I've even had to go through planning my mother's funeral.

All that said, I was thinking the other day about how people exchange words to family members that have lost loved ones. There are many standard things that you hear, "He will be missed so much; She was such a lovely person; He was a good person; He/she did so many good things. He loved his family so much. She loved her church and was such an active member. She was a lovely singer. He was a great preacher. He did/was {fill-in-the-blank}".

While I was thinking about it, I realized that I don't want any of those things to be said when I leave this earthly body. What I want to be said of me when I'm gone is "She loved her Lord with all her heart, soul, mind & strength; and she strived to live a life pleasing to Him". Now all I have to do is continue to make that true about me now...because nothing can be true of me after I'm gone from Earth if it isn't true of me while I'm still here!

That time again...

Yep, it's that time again. It's getting close to my birthday. On Sunday, I shall become 31-year-old! As per norm, I take my birthday as a time to reflect upon my life, the paths I've taken, decisions made, changes in circumstances and my growth in God.

This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.

I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.

OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!

So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.

Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!

Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!

Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!

Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.

Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!

Eyes like Fire!

Last night I did not sleep well. In fact, I didn't really sleep last night, as it was 6:00 AM before I finally fell asleep. I watched TV, I read, I spent time thinking, and I kept trying to go to sleep. Around 4:00, I lay in my bed with my body aching. I remember thinking I felt like a 70-year-old. I hate fibromyalgia. And I have a sinus infection to boot...so my head felt like it was in a vice grip.

Sometime around 4:30, I found myself before the Lord. I remember saying "I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, God. I know that You paid for my healing, Jesus. And I also know that You've said we have not because we ask not. So God, I am asking You now, please heal my body. I know that it's nothing too big or too small for You, so I'm asking that You please heal my body."

And then, all of the sudden, I could see that I was literally before the Throne. I remember saying "I'm coming boldly before Your Throne, Lord!" I confessed that for many years, every time I've spent time in prayer for healing, I always find someone who is legitimately more sick than I am, and I pray for that person's healing. I realized that I have been, in a way, disqualifying myself from His healing. I have fibromyalgia, bad sinuses & allergies, and acid reflux. All of which are things that I can live with if I use my medications and eat carefully. Somewhere in my mind I equated that with being less worthy of His time. But I realized that though my problems are livable, God could definitely heal me...He loves me as much as He loves anyone else.

And then I realized there was more than just prayers for healing taking place. While I saw myself before the Throne, I looked up at one point and saw Jesus looking at me. He appeared almost as a lion. His eyes were like fire. They were burning with a deep desire for me to see His love. They were burning with love for ME. They also burned with a love of jealousy. I could see it in those eyes like fire. Then He asked me, "Do you love Me?" I replied, "Yes, Jesus, I love You, I love You!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than any other lover?" My reply, "Jesus, that's my heart's desire! I know that I fail, but I strive to love You more than any other!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than your family? More than your friends? More than your church family?" To each I replied, "Yes, Jesus, yes!" "Do you love Me enough to do what I ask you? Enough to leave all that you know & love behind? Enough to do the things I ask of you, even if they're not your personal desires? Enough to keep serving those who act as though they do not appreciate you? Enough to stay at home with your earthly father until he dies, if I ask it of you? Enough to give up any dreams of marrying and adopting? Enough to live a life full of persecution from those that you love?" At this point I was weeping, after each question, my answer remained, "Yes, Jesus! If that's what You ask of me, then yes, Jesus!" He asked, "Do you love Me enough to literally lay down your earthly life simply for loving & following Me?" "Oh yes, my Beloved! I love You enough to do that!" All this time, He was looking into my eyes, into my soul with those eyes that just kept burning with a tender, just and jealous love.

Then He surrounded me with His love and said "I believe you, my beloved, I believe you. Though you have not always made the right decisions, you have proven your love for Me so many times! In those quiet, secret places where no one was watching, where no one saw the sacrifices that you made, I saw. And your human heart cannot understand the love that I have for you!"

So I spent an hour with my Lord, my King, my Judge, my Friend, my Brother, my Bridegroom! He kept pouring His love over me! And then He asked me if i was willing to surrender all other lovers, all other people/things/thoughts that distract me from following Him at all times. I answered that I was. And it was as though He took on the attributes of a lion even more so. I could see and feel Him literally shredding the things around my heart that were distractions. He would name something & I would say "rid me of it, Jesus". And I could feel him literally tearing those things off of my heart.

I have to say that it was an exhausting experience. And around 6:00 am, I was so tired that I couldn't hardly stay awake. But I wanted to! I was in the presence of my Beloved! Feeling His love for me, and seeing that jealous love in His eyes like fire. I think this was the 2nd time of seeing His eyes of fire, but this time they were so much more powerful! I wasn't just seeing His eyes, I was feeling His eyes....I could feel His jealousy and His love for ME in those eyes!! I can't say that I woke up feeling healed, unfortunately. In fact, if anything I physically felt worse because of the lack of sleep. But my spirit, oh my spirit is so much more at peace, and my spirit has been healed! And I don't believe I will ever forget those eyes of fire!!

I'm done with it all!

I'm done with it all! Really. I'm done! I'm done with letting people decide my worth. I'm done with letting the approval or rejection of man define who I am. I am done trying to do what I think people want me to do. I am done living my life trying to receive praises and avoid rejection of people - even those that I love and love me.

My identity is determined by God and not by people! If I could keep my brain and heart wrapped around that fact, I'd be in good shape. And if I could get other people to realize that, I'd be in better shape. Or maybe it's just that I need to remind myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter.

It's amazing how we, even as followers of Christ, let people's opinions of us count so much. In Galatians 1:10 Paul asks "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Did you get that one part? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is some serious stuff. He's saying that living for the approval of man can cause us to not be considered a servant of Christ.

I've been learning a lot of really weighty and deep things lately regarding the praises and rejections of man. But I'm not always that deep, so I've had to bring some of these truths down to my level. Here's some of what God's been teaching me.

His opinion is the only one that matters. There will be times that what He's calling me to do make no sense to anyone - even others that follow Him, but I'm still expected to follow Him. If I can allow myself to feel good by the praises of man, I'll surely be deflated by man's rejection.

When the day comes that I'm standing before my Lord - face to face, and I'm required to give an account of how I obeyed/disobeyed Him, how I followed/didn't follow Him and whether or not I've pleased Him - it all boils down to one thing. When I'm standing before my Lord, the opinions of people (even those that I love and that love me) will NOT count for anything. What WILL count is His opinion of me. Knowing that I will stand to give an account before Him encourages me to live my life for Him and only Him, regardless of any opinion of man.

Do you know....

Tonight I will be going to Iuka GB Church. My pastor is preaching there and has asked me to come and sing a song. The song is one from IHOP....the chorus is "Do you know that you've caught My eye, in the secret place where you chose to die? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?" The verses aren't really written...they're more prophetic flowing - something that God wants to share. I always find prophetic singing awesome and scary. It's so awesome that God can use His people in such a way, and I'm so humbled to be one of them, but I get scared that I will hear (and in turn speak/sing) incorrectly. I think that fear is a good thing, though...it's the healthy "fear of the Lord". It makes me seek Him harder because I truly want to share His heart with His people. I mean that's the whole purpose anyway....to hear, know and share the heart of God.

Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!

I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!

More at peace than I was...

OK. So today was a little better than last night. I still feel like I don't fit in...but with the extra prayers of a friend going up....I am not feeling as bad as I did last night! I have more peace about not fitting in. :) Praise God!

Isn't it funny how 2 sentences can trigger feelings & memories of things said over the past year? That's what happened last night. After 2 sentences were said..a whole plethora of memories flooded my mind of how I felt hurt by statements made in the past and the way those statements made me feel.

On top of all of my feelings ranging from anger to hurt (and everywhere in between), I realized that normally I would talk all of these things over with my mom. Even when I lived in China, I talked to my mom quite frequently and she was always more than willing to be my sounding board. I miss her not being here for me to talk to. My mom loved to let me vent and then watch me sort out my feelings and thoughts. Then when I figured out what was at the root of everything and how I needed to deal with it, she would smile & say, "Yep, I knew you'd figure out what you needed to do." She was an amazing mama who was an amazing teacher like that. She made sure we knew how to think for ourselves and make decisions on our own. But a sounding board was never a bad thing to have!

I realized tonight how much God has blessed me. I don't have my mama here, and she's definitely the person I want to talk with to work things out. But because we live in a not-perfect, fallen world, she isn't here anymore. God, however, in all of His graciousness, has provided me with wonderful family and friends. They're not here to take Mom's place, but He's provided them to help fill the void. I am so thankful that He is such a good God. He could have let me lose my mom and not sent anyone else to help me out. However, I realized that 3 nights this week alone, I have spoken to 3 different "mamas" that He's provided me. And last week, I ran into 2 different "grandmas" that I've known & loved (and have loved me) since I was born. All of these people are in my spiritual family. And I am once again humbled by the awesomeness of my God - that He truly adopts and brings us into a family! And I have family everywhere! Oh what a good, good God!

Fitting in...

It seems like these past few days, months, years even have been tough. Yes, lots of things have happened to make life not so fun, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me having trouble finding where I "fit".

As a disclaimer: I know that Heaven is my ultimate home and where my citizenship is. I know that I will be homesick for Heaven (which I love that we can be homesick for somewhere we've never been!) until either Jesus comes back to Earth or I pass from this part of life into eternity. I understand that I will never feel completely like I am "at home" until I really am at Home.

However, lately I don't seem to be "fitting" anywhere. I'm in Flora, IL now, which has been my home for most of my life - minus college, traveling with the drama company, living in China and Florida. That means Flora has been my home for at least 25 years. So I should fit, right? Nope, I don't. I'm not for sure that I ever really fit in here to begin with. And that's OK...it really is. I've dealt with not being part of "the norm" most of my life it seems. One time when I was younger, I told my mom that I was going to be property adjoining hers & build a little house; she told me "Nope, I just have a feeling that's not at all what you're going to want to do when you grow up. I think you're going to go to college and then travel to see the country. And you won't want to live in Clay County, but always remember, that's OK. You don't have to live the same life I've lived. I think God has something very different in store for you." Even my mom knew that I didn't "fit in" at a young age! haha

I guess the issue has been that, as of late, it seems that if I ever express that I don't feel as though I fit in here, everyone assumes that I'm a judgmental snob. I really am not, I'm just stating that I am aware I'm different than most people I'm around. I don't have a desire to settle down, raise a family in the old farmhouse and live out the rest of my earthly days here. I'm 30 and still single (and not pining away for a husband, nor depressed that I don't have one - I kinda even like it sometimes haha). I have a Master's degree because I LOVE learning & value education. I'm not a woman that constantly "hears" her biological clock ticking away, in fact I'm not for sure that I ever want to have children of my own if I ever do get married. I want to travel the world! I like city life! Yep, that's me in a nutshell!

I know many people that were married before age 18 and had kids before 20. I know lots of people who chose that college was not for them. I have lots of friends that are stay-at-home moms & can't imagine doing anything else! I know many people who hate city life, who never want to travel and that's OK! Yes, I have trouble relating, but it's completely wonderful if that's their hearts' desires! I don't automatically assume myself to be superior, nor them to be inferior. I admit that it's hard to relate to people when we're coming from opposite viewpoints, but I do try my darndest.

The problem I'm facing lately is that because of these differences, I'm being judged. I can't count the number of times I've heard (just since my mom died in November), "So are you going to start dating now?" "Isn't it time that you find a guy & settle down?" or my favorite - "You know, you're not getting any younger & if you don't hurry up and get a guy, you might not be able to have kids!" My reply is usually "I dont' know for sure that God has marriage or kids in my future." Their reply "Oh! Don't say sad things like that!" My response "It's really not sad, I'm OK with staying single. And if I do get married, I'm not for sure that I want kids anyway." Reply (with faces with that shocked/horror look & voice dripping with disdain and/or pity) "Ohh, I see, how sad." Or, my favorite response "Oh, I get it! You're gay!" ARGH!!!! I don't walk up to people & say "Oh my gosh! You're married & not even 22! AND you have kids?! Oh how sad!!" Can you imagine what would happen if I said that?! Just because it's different from my life doesn't make it sad, so why does my life state seem so sad to others?

I guess my problem is mostly my hurt feelings. I'm so tired of being the one that gets labeled and treated as though I have a problem simply because I'm different from those I'm around. I don't understand how people can say they "truly believe I'm following God's Plan for my life" and then treat me as if I'm a freak because I'm not just like them. Newsflash: God made us all individuals with different purposes...that's what makes the world interesting!

OK, my Darvocet has kicked in and I'm beyond not making any sense now. I used to be frustrated I didn't have regular readers, but I am beginning to think it's a good thing, because I can use this blog as a journal of sorts! I think writing is therapeutic...it helps me figure out my thoughts when they're swirling around!

She's entered Heaven now...

I realize it's been a while since I've written anything. On Friday, November 27, 2009, my mother - Gladys Faye (Meredith) Weaver - passed from this life into eternity at 4:40 pm. The day before she passed was not only Thanksgiving, but it was also my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary.

On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.

On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.

I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.

Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.

We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!

The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!

Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!

Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!

Hospice...

We brought Mom home on Hospice last Monday (11/16). They increased her morphine by doubling her hourly base rate and also increased the number of breakthrough hits she could get. It took a few days for her body to adjust to the increased rate, so she mostly slept until Friday night/Saturday morning. There have been less than a handful of times that she's voiced her pain rate being above a 5 since the increase...and that's amazing considering the past 3-4 weeks, I've heard her answer 9, 10, 10+ and even one time, she told them her pain level was a 30. I'm sooo thankful for morphine to give her relief from the pain. The vomiting, however, has not slowed any. Anything that she swallows comes back up. The nurse has told me that as long as Mom is still taking in liquids & having some output, that stage could maintain for weeks & weeks. Friday night, Mom became more alert and stayed that way through Monday night. She's SOO thirsty....it's been 3-4 weeks of nonstop vomiting now. So, she asks for a drink....you say Mom, why don't we try ice chips or sips? No, she wants a drink, so you give her a drink knowing that it's going to come right back up within seconds to minutes.

It's so hard to watch someone that you love so much suffer like that, but my mom....my mom is amazing. A week & a half ago, God gave me a special gift! Daddy was asleep & I had told Mom I was going to bed, so she didn't know I had walked back into her room. She was in the middle of retching all that was within her and God let me hear her pray to Him. Oh, I can never describe the preciousness of that moment! I overheard my mom say "God, I don't know why I'm so sick. I know that You said Jesus' blood paid for my healing. And I know that You could choose to take all of this cancer any minute. I don't know why You haven't chosen to heal me. But I want You to know that I love You & I trust You that You have a plan & know what is best. OK, I just wanted to tell You that" :) :) I've never had more of a "I want to be just like my momma" moment!! Oh what faith!

No doctors or nurses have told us how long they think Mom will be with us, which is fine because I probably wouldn't put much stock in any time limits they give -- she's outlived too many of them already! I do believe if God does not choose a miraculous healing on Earth (well, miraculous to us at least), it won't be long. There are just certain biological truths that I've lived through with both grandparents and other family & friends. Eventually, if no other systems shut down, Mom will quit requesting drinks & taking in fluids. Then for a while, sometimes up to 16+ days, her body will pull all of the fluids from her cells causing her to eventually dehydrate to death.

Mom has been mostly sleeping since Monday night, when I gave her a nausea/anxiety pill before bed. I'm praying that I made the right decision in giving her that pill. She was just so agitated that the nurse & I wanted her to be able to rest. When she hasn't really woken up much for the past 24 hours, I have those moments of "oh, you've done it now!" I had that sadness of "what if she doesn't wake up again? what if I don't get to have another coherent conversation with her?" And though the thoughts of those things make me sad, it's OK. According to all of her doctors, my mother's cancer was advanced enough when they found it, that she's been "miraculously living" for more than 2 years now! That means I've had 2 more years than Satan intended for me to be able to tell my mom how much I love her, admire her, look up to her and respect her. I've had 2 more years to hear her tell me that she loves me. I've had extra time just to share my heart with my mom...time that Satan intended to steal, but God didn't let him! Oh what a good God we serve!!

I realized Sunday that this Thursday is Thanksgiving. I was thinking over past Thanksgivings...most with my family, but some spent across the nation & across the world. Many times over, I've realized being thankful is a matter of choosing a perspective of looking at things. I was thinking today how many deaths and illnesses in my family, as well as just plain hard times, have fallen near Thanksgiving. And to my flesh, those times stink! I could choose to be bitter & say that I have no reason to give thanks. But I know that is nowhere near true! I remember last year Thanksgiving week at church, my pastor asked us to voice what we were thankful for. Everyone was giving answers aloud, except me. I kept sitting there thinking "Dummy, you should be saying you're thankful your mom is alive!" Yet, the answer that came out of my mouth was "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I was without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me." I am so thankful for the family, friends & family-friends that God has placed in my life! I am thankful for the wonderful example of following Christ my parents & grandparents have given me! I am thankful for so many things, yet my answer from last year still rings out. I am above all else thankful that my God is faithful to His promises...He has been our Provider, our Comforter, our Healer, our Savior, our Strength, our Peace, our everything! If we had nothing else for which to be thankful, it is more than enough that our God always is who He says He will be!

When there's no more chemotherapy....

Mom had her last chemo treatment 3 weeks ago. She didn't get the full treatment because she had a bad allergic reaction and went into shock. The oncologist said we'd have to discuss other drug options at our next appointment (Nov 4th). The week after the treatment, Mom started having a horrible time with vomiting. She got IV fluids a few days and that seemed to help for a few hours, then she would be sick again. Mom got worse with her vomiting on Monday, so we saw the oncologist Monday night. He told us then that Mom's cancer is growing and there are no more chemotherapy options. I think we kinda knew that already, but when you hear it confirmed by the doctor, it's still a kick in the gut.

Mom had a CT scan done last Friday and when they looked at that, they saw fluid on her left lung. So Tuesday morning, she had a thoracentesis done and they drained about a liter of fluid off, so she's breathing a lot better now. They also noted on the scan that she has a hernia near her ileostomy site. The doctors think that could be the cause of her vomiting since they don't really see any tumors pushing on her stomach or bowel. The surgeon told us Tuesday that it was completely up to Mom whether or not she wanted to have the hernia repaired, and we have no guarantee that doing the surgery will stop the vomiting. She decided that it's worth it to have the surgery done. Actually her words were "well, if I only live a week or two after the surgery, if it can possibly keep me from vomiting for my last week or two, it'll be worth it."

So, we have an appointment with the surgeon tonight (Thursday) and if he still thinks the surgery is an option, she will most likely be having surgery done on Friday and at least a day or two stay in the hospital afterwards. We are aware this won't make her cancer go away, but if it improves her quality of life at all, in my opinion at least, it's worth it. She has been losing 5-8 pounds a week on average, and she's losing it by not keeping food down. It's hard enough watching her go through it, I'm sure it has to be harder to be the one living it.

The oncologist said that if the vomiting doesn't stop, she might have 2 months left. If the surgery stops the vomiting, she will have longer. Now, I know quite a bit about biology and medicine. I know that cancer kills. I know that when it keeps growing and can't be killed off by chemo drugs, it will eventually kill the person. I know this, and I'm sure you do too. But, I know something else that many of you know. God is soo much bigger than all of this. So, until Mom is healed, I'm going to continue to petition and intercede on her behalf for her healing. I'm standing on the promises that her healing has been bought. That "by His stripes we are healed". God is not man that He can lie. And if He says that He is Jehovah Rapha, then I'm believing Him and holding Him to His Word (which He never fails to keep). My mother will be healed, of this I have no doubt. The part I don't know is whether it will be this side of life or when she enters eternity. But I do know that one of those times, she WILL be healed. So until she draws her final breath in this life, I will be praying for her healing!

Please remember her during the surgery and in the time to come. Her spirits are still very high and her sense of humor is wonderful...she's a lot like both of her parents, so I suspect those 2 things will remain with her until the very end. God has so amazingly kept His promise to never leave us or forsake us, and I'm so thankful that He's been reminding us of that moment by moment, that He's here in the midst of it all! So thank you all so much for praying, it's sooo incredibly appreciated. We have definitely felt lifted up by them!

I'll post more when I have more news to share!