Last night I did not sleep well. In fact, I didn't really sleep last night, as it was 6:00 AM before I finally fell asleep. I watched TV, I read, I spent time thinking, and I kept trying to go to sleep. Around 4:00, I lay in my bed with my body aching. I remember thinking I felt like a 70-year-old. I hate fibromyalgia. And I have a sinus infection to boot...so my head felt like it was in a vice grip.
Sometime around 4:30, I found myself before the Lord. I remember saying "I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, God. I know that You paid for my healing, Jesus. And I also know that You've said we have not because we ask not. So God, I am asking You now, please heal my body. I know that it's nothing too big or too small for You, so I'm asking that You please heal my body."
And then, all of the sudden, I could see that I was literally before the Throne. I remember saying "I'm coming boldly before Your Throne, Lord!" I confessed that for many years, every time I've spent time in prayer for healing, I always find someone who is legitimately more sick than I am, and I pray for that person's healing. I realized that I have been, in a way, disqualifying myself from His healing. I have fibromyalgia, bad sinuses & allergies, and acid reflux. All of which are things that I can live with if I use my medications and eat carefully. Somewhere in my mind I equated that with being less worthy of His time. But I realized that though my problems are livable, God could definitely heal me...He loves me as much as He loves anyone else.
And then I realized there was more than just prayers for healing taking place. While I saw myself before the Throne, I looked up at one point and saw Jesus looking at me. He appeared almost as a lion. His eyes were like fire. They were burning with a deep desire for me to see His love. They were burning with love for ME. They also burned with a love of jealousy. I could see it in those eyes like fire. Then He asked me, "Do you love Me?" I replied, "Yes, Jesus, I love You, I love You!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than any other lover?" My reply, "Jesus, that's my heart's desire! I know that I fail, but I strive to love You more than any other!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than your family? More than your friends? More than your church family?" To each I replied, "Yes, Jesus, yes!" "Do you love Me enough to do what I ask you? Enough to leave all that you know & love behind? Enough to do the things I ask of you, even if they're not your personal desires? Enough to keep serving those who act as though they do not appreciate you? Enough to stay at home with your earthly father until he dies, if I ask it of you? Enough to give up any dreams of marrying and adopting? Enough to live a life full of persecution from those that you love?" At this point I was weeping, after each question, my answer remained, "Yes, Jesus! If that's what You ask of me, then yes, Jesus!" He asked, "Do you love Me enough to literally lay down your earthly life simply for loving & following Me?" "Oh yes, my Beloved! I love You enough to do that!" All this time, He was looking into my eyes, into my soul with those eyes that just kept burning with a tender, just and jealous love.
Then He surrounded me with His love and said "I believe you, my beloved, I believe you. Though you have not always made the right decisions, you have proven your love for Me so many times! In those quiet, secret places where no one was watching, where no one saw the sacrifices that you made, I saw. And your human heart cannot understand the love that I have for you!"
So I spent an hour with my Lord, my King, my Judge, my Friend, my Brother, my Bridegroom! He kept pouring His love over me! And then He asked me if i was willing to surrender all other lovers, all other people/things/thoughts that distract me from following Him at all times. I answered that I was. And it was as though He took on the attributes of a lion even more so. I could see and feel Him literally shredding the things around my heart that were distractions. He would name something & I would say "rid me of it, Jesus". And I could feel him literally tearing those things off of my heart.
I have to say that it was an exhausting experience. And around 6:00 am, I was so tired that I couldn't hardly stay awake. But I wanted to! I was in the presence of my Beloved! Feeling His love for me, and seeing that jealous love in His eyes like fire. I think this was the 2nd time of seeing His eyes of fire, but this time they were so much more powerful! I wasn't just seeing His eyes, I was feeling His eyes....I could feel His jealousy and His love for ME in those eyes!! I can't say that I woke up feeling healed, unfortunately. In fact, if anything I physically felt worse because of the lack of sleep. But my spirit, oh my spirit is so much more at peace, and my spirit has been healed! And I don't believe I will ever forget those eyes of fire!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
I'm done with it all!
I'm done with it all! Really. I'm done! I'm done with letting people decide my worth. I'm done with letting the approval or rejection of man define who I am. I am done trying to do what I think people want me to do. I am done living my life trying to receive praises and avoid rejection of people - even those that I love and love me.
My identity is determined by God and not by people! If I could keep my brain and heart wrapped around that fact, I'd be in good shape. And if I could get other people to realize that, I'd be in better shape. Or maybe it's just that I need to remind myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter.
It's amazing how we, even as followers of Christ, let people's opinions of us count so much. In Galatians 1:10 Paul asks "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Did you get that one part? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is some serious stuff. He's saying that living for the approval of man can cause us to not be considered a servant of Christ.
I've been learning a lot of really weighty and deep things lately regarding the praises and rejections of man. But I'm not always that deep, so I've had to bring some of these truths down to my level. Here's some of what God's been teaching me.
His opinion is the only one that matters. There will be times that what He's calling me to do make no sense to anyone - even others that follow Him, but I'm still expected to follow Him. If I can allow myself to feel good by the praises of man, I'll surely be deflated by man's rejection.
When the day comes that I'm standing before my Lord - face to face, and I'm required to give an account of how I obeyed/disobeyed Him, how I followed/didn't follow Him and whether or not I've pleased Him - it all boils down to one thing. When I'm standing before my Lord, the opinions of people (even those that I love and that love me) will NOT count for anything. What WILL count is His opinion of me. Knowing that I will stand to give an account before Him encourages me to live my life for Him and only Him, regardless of any opinion of man.
My identity is determined by God and not by people! If I could keep my brain and heart wrapped around that fact, I'd be in good shape. And if I could get other people to realize that, I'd be in better shape. Or maybe it's just that I need to remind myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter.
It's amazing how we, even as followers of Christ, let people's opinions of us count so much. In Galatians 1:10 Paul asks "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Did you get that one part? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is some serious stuff. He's saying that living for the approval of man can cause us to not be considered a servant of Christ.
I've been learning a lot of really weighty and deep things lately regarding the praises and rejections of man. But I'm not always that deep, so I've had to bring some of these truths down to my level. Here's some of what God's been teaching me.
His opinion is the only one that matters. There will be times that what He's calling me to do make no sense to anyone - even others that follow Him, but I'm still expected to follow Him. If I can allow myself to feel good by the praises of man, I'll surely be deflated by man's rejection.
When the day comes that I'm standing before my Lord - face to face, and I'm required to give an account of how I obeyed/disobeyed Him, how I followed/didn't follow Him and whether or not I've pleased Him - it all boils down to one thing. When I'm standing before my Lord, the opinions of people (even those that I love and that love me) will NOT count for anything. What WILL count is His opinion of me. Knowing that I will stand to give an account before Him encourages me to live my life for Him and only Him, regardless of any opinion of man.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Do you know....
Tonight I will be going to Iuka GB Church. My pastor is preaching there and has asked me to come and sing a song. The song is one from IHOP....the chorus is "Do you know that you've caught My eye, in the secret place where you chose to die? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?" The verses aren't really written...they're more prophetic flowing - something that God wants to share. I always find prophetic singing awesome and scary. It's so awesome that God can use His people in such a way, and I'm so humbled to be one of them, but I get scared that I will hear (and in turn speak/sing) incorrectly. I think that fear is a good thing, though...it's the healthy "fear of the Lord". It makes me seek Him harder because I truly want to share His heart with His people. I mean that's the whole purpose anyway....to hear, know and share the heart of God.
Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!
I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!
Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!
I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More at peace than I was...
OK. So today was a little better than last night. I still feel like I don't fit in...but with the extra prayers of a friend going up....I am not feeling as bad as I did last night! I have more peace about not fitting in. :) Praise God!
Isn't it funny how 2 sentences can trigger feelings & memories of things said over the past year? That's what happened last night. After 2 sentences were said..a whole plethora of memories flooded my mind of how I felt hurt by statements made in the past and the way those statements made me feel.
On top of all of my feelings ranging from anger to hurt (and everywhere in between), I realized that normally I would talk all of these things over with my mom. Even when I lived in China, I talked to my mom quite frequently and she was always more than willing to be my sounding board. I miss her not being here for me to talk to. My mom loved to let me vent and then watch me sort out my feelings and thoughts. Then when I figured out what was at the root of everything and how I needed to deal with it, she would smile & say, "Yep, I knew you'd figure out what you needed to do." She was an amazing mama who was an amazing teacher like that. She made sure we knew how to think for ourselves and make decisions on our own. But a sounding board was never a bad thing to have!
I realized tonight how much God has blessed me. I don't have my mama here, and she's definitely the person I want to talk with to work things out. But because we live in a not-perfect, fallen world, she isn't here anymore. God, however, in all of His graciousness, has provided me with wonderful family and friends. They're not here to take Mom's place, but He's provided them to help fill the void. I am so thankful that He is such a good God. He could have let me lose my mom and not sent anyone else to help me out. However, I realized that 3 nights this week alone, I have spoken to 3 different "mamas" that He's provided me. And last week, I ran into 2 different "grandmas" that I've known & loved (and have loved me) since I was born. All of these people are in my spiritual family. And I am once again humbled by the awesomeness of my God - that He truly adopts and brings us into a family! And I have family everywhere! Oh what a good, good God!
Isn't it funny how 2 sentences can trigger feelings & memories of things said over the past year? That's what happened last night. After 2 sentences were said..a whole plethora of memories flooded my mind of how I felt hurt by statements made in the past and the way those statements made me feel.
On top of all of my feelings ranging from anger to hurt (and everywhere in between), I realized that normally I would talk all of these things over with my mom. Even when I lived in China, I talked to my mom quite frequently and she was always more than willing to be my sounding board. I miss her not being here for me to talk to. My mom loved to let me vent and then watch me sort out my feelings and thoughts. Then when I figured out what was at the root of everything and how I needed to deal with it, she would smile & say, "Yep, I knew you'd figure out what you needed to do." She was an amazing mama who was an amazing teacher like that. She made sure we knew how to think for ourselves and make decisions on our own. But a sounding board was never a bad thing to have!
I realized tonight how much God has blessed me. I don't have my mama here, and she's definitely the person I want to talk with to work things out. But because we live in a not-perfect, fallen world, she isn't here anymore. God, however, in all of His graciousness, has provided me with wonderful family and friends. They're not here to take Mom's place, but He's provided them to help fill the void. I am so thankful that He is such a good God. He could have let me lose my mom and not sent anyone else to help me out. However, I realized that 3 nights this week alone, I have spoken to 3 different "mamas" that He's provided me. And last week, I ran into 2 different "grandmas" that I've known & loved (and have loved me) since I was born. All of these people are in my spiritual family. And I am once again humbled by the awesomeness of my God - that He truly adopts and brings us into a family! And I have family everywhere! Oh what a good, good God!
Fitting in...
It seems like these past few days, months, years even have been tough. Yes, lots of things have happened to make life not so fun, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me having trouble finding where I "fit".
As a disclaimer: I know that Heaven is my ultimate home and where my citizenship is. I know that I will be homesick for Heaven (which I love that we can be homesick for somewhere we've never been!) until either Jesus comes back to Earth or I pass from this part of life into eternity. I understand that I will never feel completely like I am "at home" until I really am at Home.
However, lately I don't seem to be "fitting" anywhere. I'm in Flora, IL now, which has been my home for most of my life - minus college, traveling with the drama company, living in China and Florida. That means Flora has been my home for at least 25 years. So I should fit, right? Nope, I don't. I'm not for sure that I ever really fit in here to begin with. And that's OK...it really is. I've dealt with not being part of "the norm" most of my life it seems. One time when I was younger, I told my mom that I was going to be property adjoining hers & build a little house; she told me "Nope, I just have a feeling that's not at all what you're going to want to do when you grow up. I think you're going to go to college and then travel to see the country. And you won't want to live in Clay County, but always remember, that's OK. You don't have to live the same life I've lived. I think God has something very different in store for you." Even my mom knew that I didn't "fit in" at a young age! haha
I guess the issue has been that, as of late, it seems that if I ever express that I don't feel as though I fit in here, everyone assumes that I'm a judgmental snob. I really am not, I'm just stating that I am aware I'm different than most people I'm around. I don't have a desire to settle down, raise a family in the old farmhouse and live out the rest of my earthly days here. I'm 30 and still single (and not pining away for a husband, nor depressed that I don't have one - I kinda even like it sometimes haha). I have a Master's degree because I LOVE learning & value education. I'm not a woman that constantly "hears" her biological clock ticking away, in fact I'm not for sure that I ever want to have children of my own if I ever do get married. I want to travel the world! I like city life! Yep, that's me in a nutshell!
I know many people that were married before age 18 and had kids before 20. I know lots of people who chose that college was not for them. I have lots of friends that are stay-at-home moms & can't imagine doing anything else! I know many people who hate city life, who never want to travel and that's OK! Yes, I have trouble relating, but it's completely wonderful if that's their hearts' desires! I don't automatically assume myself to be superior, nor them to be inferior. I admit that it's hard to relate to people when we're coming from opposite viewpoints, but I do try my darndest.
The problem I'm facing lately is that because of these differences, I'm being judged. I can't count the number of times I've heard (just since my mom died in November), "So are you going to start dating now?" "Isn't it time that you find a guy & settle down?" or my favorite - "You know, you're not getting any younger & if you don't hurry up and get a guy, you might not be able to have kids!" My reply is usually "I dont' know for sure that God has marriage or kids in my future." Their reply "Oh! Don't say sad things like that!" My response "It's really not sad, I'm OK with staying single. And if I do get married, I'm not for sure that I want kids anyway." Reply (with faces with that shocked/horror look & voice dripping with disdain and/or pity) "Ohh, I see, how sad." Or, my favorite response "Oh, I get it! You're gay!" ARGH!!!! I don't walk up to people & say "Oh my gosh! You're married & not even 22! AND you have kids?! Oh how sad!!" Can you imagine what would happen if I said that?! Just because it's different from my life doesn't make it sad, so why does my life state seem so sad to others?
I guess my problem is mostly my hurt feelings. I'm so tired of being the one that gets labeled and treated as though I have a problem simply because I'm different from those I'm around. I don't understand how people can say they "truly believe I'm following God's Plan for my life" and then treat me as if I'm a freak because I'm not just like them. Newsflash: God made us all individuals with different purposes...that's what makes the world interesting!
OK, my Darvocet has kicked in and I'm beyond not making any sense now. I used to be frustrated I didn't have regular readers, but I am beginning to think it's a good thing, because I can use this blog as a journal of sorts! I think writing is therapeutic...it helps me figure out my thoughts when they're swirling around!
As a disclaimer: I know that Heaven is my ultimate home and where my citizenship is. I know that I will be homesick for Heaven (which I love that we can be homesick for somewhere we've never been!) until either Jesus comes back to Earth or I pass from this part of life into eternity. I understand that I will never feel completely like I am "at home" until I really am at Home.
However, lately I don't seem to be "fitting" anywhere. I'm in Flora, IL now, which has been my home for most of my life - minus college, traveling with the drama company, living in China and Florida. That means Flora has been my home for at least 25 years. So I should fit, right? Nope, I don't. I'm not for sure that I ever really fit in here to begin with. And that's OK...it really is. I've dealt with not being part of "the norm" most of my life it seems. One time when I was younger, I told my mom that I was going to be property adjoining hers & build a little house; she told me "Nope, I just have a feeling that's not at all what you're going to want to do when you grow up. I think you're going to go to college and then travel to see the country. And you won't want to live in Clay County, but always remember, that's OK. You don't have to live the same life I've lived. I think God has something very different in store for you." Even my mom knew that I didn't "fit in" at a young age! haha
I guess the issue has been that, as of late, it seems that if I ever express that I don't feel as though I fit in here, everyone assumes that I'm a judgmental snob. I really am not, I'm just stating that I am aware I'm different than most people I'm around. I don't have a desire to settle down, raise a family in the old farmhouse and live out the rest of my earthly days here. I'm 30 and still single (and not pining away for a husband, nor depressed that I don't have one - I kinda even like it sometimes haha). I have a Master's degree because I LOVE learning & value education. I'm not a woman that constantly "hears" her biological clock ticking away, in fact I'm not for sure that I ever want to have children of my own if I ever do get married. I want to travel the world! I like city life! Yep, that's me in a nutshell!
I know many people that were married before age 18 and had kids before 20. I know lots of people who chose that college was not for them. I have lots of friends that are stay-at-home moms & can't imagine doing anything else! I know many people who hate city life, who never want to travel and that's OK! Yes, I have trouble relating, but it's completely wonderful if that's their hearts' desires! I don't automatically assume myself to be superior, nor them to be inferior. I admit that it's hard to relate to people when we're coming from opposite viewpoints, but I do try my darndest.
The problem I'm facing lately is that because of these differences, I'm being judged. I can't count the number of times I've heard (just since my mom died in November), "So are you going to start dating now?" "Isn't it time that you find a guy & settle down?" or my favorite - "You know, you're not getting any younger & if you don't hurry up and get a guy, you might not be able to have kids!" My reply is usually "I dont' know for sure that God has marriage or kids in my future." Their reply "Oh! Don't say sad things like that!" My response "It's really not sad, I'm OK with staying single. And if I do get married, I'm not for sure that I want kids anyway." Reply (with faces with that shocked/horror look & voice dripping with disdain and/or pity) "Ohh, I see, how sad." Or, my favorite response "Oh, I get it! You're gay!" ARGH!!!! I don't walk up to people & say "Oh my gosh! You're married & not even 22! AND you have kids?! Oh how sad!!" Can you imagine what would happen if I said that?! Just because it's different from my life doesn't make it sad, so why does my life state seem so sad to others?
I guess my problem is mostly my hurt feelings. I'm so tired of being the one that gets labeled and treated as though I have a problem simply because I'm different from those I'm around. I don't understand how people can say they "truly believe I'm following God's Plan for my life" and then treat me as if I'm a freak because I'm not just like them. Newsflash: God made us all individuals with different purposes...that's what makes the world interesting!
OK, my Darvocet has kicked in and I'm beyond not making any sense now. I used to be frustrated I didn't have regular readers, but I am beginning to think it's a good thing, because I can use this blog as a journal of sorts! I think writing is therapeutic...it helps me figure out my thoughts when they're swirling around!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
She's entered Heaven now...
I realize it's been a while since I've written anything. On Friday, November 27, 2009, my mother - Gladys Faye (Meredith) Weaver - passed from this life into eternity at 4:40 pm. The day before she passed was not only Thanksgiving, but it was also my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary.
On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.
On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.
I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.
Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.
We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!
The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!
Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!
Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!
On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.
On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.
I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.
Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.
We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!
The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!
Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!
Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Hospice...
We brought Mom home on Hospice last Monday (11/16). They increased her morphine by doubling her hourly base rate and also increased the number of breakthrough hits she could get. It took a few days for her body to adjust to the increased rate, so she mostly slept until Friday night/Saturday morning. There have been less than a handful of times that she's voiced her pain rate being above a 5 since the increase...and that's amazing considering the past 3-4 weeks, I've heard her answer 9, 10, 10+ and even one time, she told them her pain level was a 30. I'm sooo thankful for morphine to give her relief from the pain. The vomiting, however, has not slowed any. Anything that she swallows comes back up. The nurse has told me that as long as Mom is still taking in liquids & having some output, that stage could maintain for weeks & weeks. Friday night, Mom became more alert and stayed that way through Monday night. She's SOO thirsty....it's been 3-4 weeks of nonstop vomiting now. So, she asks for a drink....you say Mom, why don't we try ice chips or sips? No, she wants a drink, so you give her a drink knowing that it's going to come right back up within seconds to minutes.
It's so hard to watch someone that you love so much suffer like that, but my mom....my mom is amazing. A week & a half ago, God gave me a special gift! Daddy was asleep & I had told Mom I was going to bed, so she didn't know I had walked back into her room. She was in the middle of retching all that was within her and God let me hear her pray to Him. Oh, I can never describe the preciousness of that moment! I overheard my mom say "God, I don't know why I'm so sick. I know that You said Jesus' blood paid for my healing. And I know that You could choose to take all of this cancer any minute. I don't know why You haven't chosen to heal me. But I want You to know that I love You & I trust You that You have a plan & know what is best. OK, I just wanted to tell You that" :) :) I've never had more of a "I want to be just like my momma" moment!! Oh what faith!
No doctors or nurses have told us how long they think Mom will be with us, which is fine because I probably wouldn't put much stock in any time limits they give -- she's outlived too many of them already! I do believe if God does not choose a miraculous healing on Earth (well, miraculous to us at least), it won't be long. There are just certain biological truths that I've lived through with both grandparents and other family & friends. Eventually, if no other systems shut down, Mom will quit requesting drinks & taking in fluids. Then for a while, sometimes up to 16+ days, her body will pull all of the fluids from her cells causing her to eventually dehydrate to death.
Mom has been mostly sleeping since Monday night, when I gave her a nausea/anxiety pill before bed. I'm praying that I made the right decision in giving her that pill. She was just so agitated that the nurse & I wanted her to be able to rest. When she hasn't really woken up much for the past 24 hours, I have those moments of "oh, you've done it now!" I had that sadness of "what if she doesn't wake up again? what if I don't get to have another coherent conversation with her?" And though the thoughts of those things make me sad, it's OK. According to all of her doctors, my mother's cancer was advanced enough when they found it, that she's been "miraculously living" for more than 2 years now! That means I've had 2 more years than Satan intended for me to be able to tell my mom how much I love her, admire her, look up to her and respect her. I've had 2 more years to hear her tell me that she loves me. I've had extra time just to share my heart with my mom...time that Satan intended to steal, but God didn't let him! Oh what a good God we serve!!
I realized Sunday that this Thursday is Thanksgiving. I was thinking over past Thanksgivings...most with my family, but some spent across the nation & across the world. Many times over, I've realized being thankful is a matter of choosing a perspective of looking at things. I was thinking today how many deaths and illnesses in my family, as well as just plain hard times, have fallen near Thanksgiving. And to my flesh, those times stink! I could choose to be bitter & say that I have no reason to give thanks. But I know that is nowhere near true! I remember last year Thanksgiving week at church, my pastor asked us to voice what we were thankful for. Everyone was giving answers aloud, except me. I kept sitting there thinking "Dummy, you should be saying you're thankful your mom is alive!" Yet, the answer that came out of my mouth was "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I was without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me." I am so thankful for the family, friends & family-friends that God has placed in my life! I am thankful for the wonderful example of following Christ my parents & grandparents have given me! I am thankful for so many things, yet my answer from last year still rings out. I am above all else thankful that my God is faithful to His promises...He has been our Provider, our Comforter, our Healer, our Savior, our Strength, our Peace, our everything! If we had nothing else for which to be thankful, it is more than enough that our God always is who He says He will be!
It's so hard to watch someone that you love so much suffer like that, but my mom....my mom is amazing. A week & a half ago, God gave me a special gift! Daddy was asleep & I had told Mom I was going to bed, so she didn't know I had walked back into her room. She was in the middle of retching all that was within her and God let me hear her pray to Him. Oh, I can never describe the preciousness of that moment! I overheard my mom say "God, I don't know why I'm so sick. I know that You said Jesus' blood paid for my healing. And I know that You could choose to take all of this cancer any minute. I don't know why You haven't chosen to heal me. But I want You to know that I love You & I trust You that You have a plan & know what is best. OK, I just wanted to tell You that" :) :) I've never had more of a "I want to be just like my momma" moment!! Oh what faith!
No doctors or nurses have told us how long they think Mom will be with us, which is fine because I probably wouldn't put much stock in any time limits they give -- she's outlived too many of them already! I do believe if God does not choose a miraculous healing on Earth (well, miraculous to us at least), it won't be long. There are just certain biological truths that I've lived through with both grandparents and other family & friends. Eventually, if no other systems shut down, Mom will quit requesting drinks & taking in fluids. Then for a while, sometimes up to 16+ days, her body will pull all of the fluids from her cells causing her to eventually dehydrate to death.
Mom has been mostly sleeping since Monday night, when I gave her a nausea/anxiety pill before bed. I'm praying that I made the right decision in giving her that pill. She was just so agitated that the nurse & I wanted her to be able to rest. When she hasn't really woken up much for the past 24 hours, I have those moments of "oh, you've done it now!" I had that sadness of "what if she doesn't wake up again? what if I don't get to have another coherent conversation with her?" And though the thoughts of those things make me sad, it's OK. According to all of her doctors, my mother's cancer was advanced enough when they found it, that she's been "miraculously living" for more than 2 years now! That means I've had 2 more years than Satan intended for me to be able to tell my mom how much I love her, admire her, look up to her and respect her. I've had 2 more years to hear her tell me that she loves me. I've had extra time just to share my heart with my mom...time that Satan intended to steal, but God didn't let him! Oh what a good God we serve!!
I realized Sunday that this Thursday is Thanksgiving. I was thinking over past Thanksgivings...most with my family, but some spent across the nation & across the world. Many times over, I've realized being thankful is a matter of choosing a perspective of looking at things. I was thinking today how many deaths and illnesses in my family, as well as just plain hard times, have fallen near Thanksgiving. And to my flesh, those times stink! I could choose to be bitter & say that I have no reason to give thanks. But I know that is nowhere near true! I remember last year Thanksgiving week at church, my pastor asked us to voice what we were thankful for. Everyone was giving answers aloud, except me. I kept sitting there thinking "Dummy, you should be saying you're thankful your mom is alive!" Yet, the answer that came out of my mouth was "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I was without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me." I am so thankful for the family, friends & family-friends that God has placed in my life! I am thankful for the wonderful example of following Christ my parents & grandparents have given me! I am thankful for so many things, yet my answer from last year still rings out. I am above all else thankful that my God is faithful to His promises...He has been our Provider, our Comforter, our Healer, our Savior, our Strength, our Peace, our everything! If we had nothing else for which to be thankful, it is more than enough that our God always is who He says He will be!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
When there's no more chemotherapy....
Mom had her last chemo treatment 3 weeks ago. She didn't get the full treatment because she had a bad allergic reaction and went into shock. The oncologist said we'd have to discuss other drug options at our next appointment (Nov 4th). The week after the treatment, Mom started having a horrible time with vomiting. She got IV fluids a few days and that seemed to help for a few hours, then she would be sick again. Mom got worse with her vomiting on Monday, so we saw the oncologist Monday night. He told us then that Mom's cancer is growing and there are no more chemotherapy options. I think we kinda knew that already, but when you hear it confirmed by the doctor, it's still a kick in the gut.
Mom had a CT scan done last Friday and when they looked at that, they saw fluid on her left lung. So Tuesday morning, she had a thoracentesis done and they drained about a liter of fluid off, so she's breathing a lot better now. They also noted on the scan that she has a hernia near her ileostomy site. The doctors think that could be the cause of her vomiting since they don't really see any tumors pushing on her stomach or bowel. The surgeon told us Tuesday that it was completely up to Mom whether or not she wanted to have the hernia repaired, and we have no guarantee that doing the surgery will stop the vomiting. She decided that it's worth it to have the surgery done. Actually her words were "well, if I only live a week or two after the surgery, if it can possibly keep me from vomiting for my last week or two, it'll be worth it."
So, we have an appointment with the surgeon tonight (Thursday) and if he still thinks the surgery is an option, she will most likely be having surgery done on Friday and at least a day or two stay in the hospital afterwards. We are aware this won't make her cancer go away, but if it improves her quality of life at all, in my opinion at least, it's worth it. She has been losing 5-8 pounds a week on average, and she's losing it by not keeping food down. It's hard enough watching her go through it, I'm sure it has to be harder to be the one living it.
The oncologist said that if the vomiting doesn't stop, she might have 2 months left. If the surgery stops the vomiting, she will have longer. Now, I know quite a bit about biology and medicine. I know that cancer kills. I know that when it keeps growing and can't be killed off by chemo drugs, it will eventually kill the person. I know this, and I'm sure you do too. But, I know something else that many of you know. God is soo much bigger than all of this. So, until Mom is healed, I'm going to continue to petition and intercede on her behalf for her healing. I'm standing on the promises that her healing has been bought. That "by His stripes we are healed". God is not man that He can lie. And if He says that He is Jehovah Rapha, then I'm believing Him and holding Him to His Word (which He never fails to keep). My mother will be healed, of this I have no doubt. The part I don't know is whether it will be this side of life or when she enters eternity. But I do know that one of those times, she WILL be healed. So until she draws her final breath in this life, I will be praying for her healing!
Please remember her during the surgery and in the time to come. Her spirits are still very high and her sense of humor is wonderful...she's a lot like both of her parents, so I suspect those 2 things will remain with her until the very end. God has so amazingly kept His promise to never leave us or forsake us, and I'm so thankful that He's been reminding us of that moment by moment, that He's here in the midst of it all! So thank you all so much for praying, it's sooo incredibly appreciated. We have definitely felt lifted up by them!
I'll post more when I have more news to share!
Mom had a CT scan done last Friday and when they looked at that, they saw fluid on her left lung. So Tuesday morning, she had a thoracentesis done and they drained about a liter of fluid off, so she's breathing a lot better now. They also noted on the scan that she has a hernia near her ileostomy site. The doctors think that could be the cause of her vomiting since they don't really see any tumors pushing on her stomach or bowel. The surgeon told us Tuesday that it was completely up to Mom whether or not she wanted to have the hernia repaired, and we have no guarantee that doing the surgery will stop the vomiting. She decided that it's worth it to have the surgery done. Actually her words were "well, if I only live a week or two after the surgery, if it can possibly keep me from vomiting for my last week or two, it'll be worth it."
So, we have an appointment with the surgeon tonight (Thursday) and if he still thinks the surgery is an option, she will most likely be having surgery done on Friday and at least a day or two stay in the hospital afterwards. We are aware this won't make her cancer go away, but if it improves her quality of life at all, in my opinion at least, it's worth it. She has been losing 5-8 pounds a week on average, and she's losing it by not keeping food down. It's hard enough watching her go through it, I'm sure it has to be harder to be the one living it.
The oncologist said that if the vomiting doesn't stop, she might have 2 months left. If the surgery stops the vomiting, she will have longer. Now, I know quite a bit about biology and medicine. I know that cancer kills. I know that when it keeps growing and can't be killed off by chemo drugs, it will eventually kill the person. I know this, and I'm sure you do too. But, I know something else that many of you know. God is soo much bigger than all of this. So, until Mom is healed, I'm going to continue to petition and intercede on her behalf for her healing. I'm standing on the promises that her healing has been bought. That "by His stripes we are healed". God is not man that He can lie. And if He says that He is Jehovah Rapha, then I'm believing Him and holding Him to His Word (which He never fails to keep). My mother will be healed, of this I have no doubt. The part I don't know is whether it will be this side of life or when she enters eternity. But I do know that one of those times, she WILL be healed. So until she draws her final breath in this life, I will be praying for her healing!
Please remember her during the surgery and in the time to come. Her spirits are still very high and her sense of humor is wonderful...she's a lot like both of her parents, so I suspect those 2 things will remain with her until the very end. God has so amazingly kept His promise to never leave us or forsake us, and I'm so thankful that He's been reminding us of that moment by moment, that He's here in the midst of it all! So thank you all so much for praying, it's sooo incredibly appreciated. We have definitely felt lifted up by them!
I'll post more when I have more news to share!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Yep...I'm 30 now!
So I turned 30 last Saturday. That's right...the big 3-0!! I think I've dealt with it relatively well. I only had a few weeks of dreading it. But I think I said it aloud often enough before the day itself that I was ready to say "why yes, I am 30 years old".
Every few months or so, I try to take time for reflection. Where did I think my life was going? Am I there yet? Am I on the right track? Did I really hear the Lord say that this is the right direction? Turning 30 seemed like a good time to reflect. I began to think "What's the difference in my life now & what I thought it would be like 10 years ago?"
Ten years ago, I was celebrating my 20th birthday in my new apartment in Carbondale. I was beginning my junior year in college at Southern Illinois University - Carbondale. I had originally planned to attend Oakland City University (a small General Baptist college in Indiana), but the day before I was to register, I felt the Lord tell me I was to go to SIU. So I was a tad bit excited, but mostly anxious. I remember dreaming about what my life would be like in 10 years...when I turned 30! Here was the plan for my life: Finish my Bachelor's in Social Work at SIU in 2001. Work for Department of Child & Family Services....let them pay for my Master's in Social Work. Stay working at DCFS for 30 years and retire with a full state pension by age 55. I wanted to buy the 5 acres behind my parents' property and build a house by the creek. (It's really GORGEOUS there!) I wanted to meet a wonderful, Godly man that wanted to serve God with me in our local church. I wanted to travel around the US and the world! I wanted to get married around age 30 & (if I'm able to conceive and carry) have a baby around 32. Yep, that was my plan in a nutshell. I prayed over these things and didn't really hear God say yes or no, so I thought they must be good ideas.
Here's what really happened: I finished my Bachelor's in Social Work in May 2001 as planned. I did my internship at DCFS before graduation, but was unable to be hired without a year of experience. So I took a job at Lutheran CFS and worked there for only 3 months before realizing I DIDN'T like the job that well! Ahhh! Plans gone awry! I began working in outpatient mental health at the local Counseling Center. I really enjoyed this job, even though I didn't think I would at all. I started to see myself there for a long time, and then the agency dissolved!
It was during that time that God called me to apply to the New Life Drama Company. I had no experience in acting, nor did I think I would enjoy it, but I followed His lead. So I spent a tour (3 1/2 months) on the road with NLDC. My team toured Southern California, Arizona, Texas and Nevada. It was AMAZING! When I returned home, I began substitute teaching and LOVED it! So I applied and began a program at Oakland City (yes, the same one I didn't attend earlier) to complete my Master's of Arts in Teaching degree. It was a tough 14 months complete with school work, substitute teaching and then student-teaching, but in the end I finished the program & received my teacher's license! Only to find no teaching positions, so I continued substitute teaching, still loving it & working almost every day!
In 2005, I applied & interviewed for the job that I had student-taught. It was going to be perfect! I knew the school, knew the kids & faculty & already had 1/4 of the lesson plans done! The day before the school board made a decision, God called me to do His work in China for a year. The school board had decided not to hire me, which I realized was all of God's sovereign plan. If I had been given the position here, I may not have gone to China. I spent the 2005-2006 school year teaching English at South China Agricultural University in Guangzhou, China. God worked in so many tremendous ways in that mission field! It was beyond an amazing experience! Two weeks before I was to leave for china, the doctors saw a brain tumor on my dad's CT scan. They didn't know if he would survive the surgery at all, and if he did, they thought there could be significant memory loss. God and I had to wrestle about my obedience to follow Him -- my dad might not be alive when I came home, or he may not remember who I was! God blessed me with wonderful parents who were positive that God had called me to be a missionary & they requested I follow Him. My dad's words were "if I die from the tumor or surgery, it's OK because I know where I'm going....there's millions of Chinese people who need for you to go and tell them about Jesus so they can have Him too". Can parents be anymore wonderful?!?!
While I was in China, I was also blessed with the opportunity to visit missionaries in Davao City, Philippines TWICE! Wonderful place, beautiful people! Wen I returned home from my year overseas, I accepted a national missions position for 2 months working for a church plant in Florida. When I left Florida, I came back home - or as my mom calls it "Meredith's home-base". haha
I began substitute teaching again and remembered that I loved it! Shortly after I returned home, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, so I understand why God had called me home. I was able to be with my parents 24/7 since I didn't have a full-time job. We've gone through chemo, remission, more chemo, horrid bowel obstruction ending in an ileostomy, and more chemo yet. And that's where I find things in my life on my 30th birthday!
So, is my life what I thought it would be? Not completely! I don't even work in Social Work anymore, I no longer have a desire to stay in Clay County, I've no prospects of marriage any time soon, and I'm the full-time caregiver for both of my parents. However, I was able to travel all over the US and a few places in this world, finish my Master's and serve my Jesus wherever He put me!
I'm not always glad about the circumstances in my life, but because of these circumstances (good and bad), I have fallen SO much more in love with my Jesus! And daily I'm learning more and more of His vast love for me as the Lover of my Soul, my Bridegroom, my Beloved!
In 10 years, when I turn (eeek) 40, I pray that I will look back on this time & say "Oh, that faith I thought I had. Oh, the love I thought I understood....I was such a baby in the Lord then!" I don't know where He will send me in the future, nor what job He will have me to do. But of this I am sure, as long as I am walking in His Will and following His steps, He will provide all of my needs and I will NEVER be alone!
Every few months or so, I try to take time for reflection. Where did I think my life was going? Am I there yet? Am I on the right track? Did I really hear the Lord say that this is the right direction? Turning 30 seemed like a good time to reflect. I began to think "What's the difference in my life now & what I thought it would be like 10 years ago?"
Ten years ago, I was celebrating my 20th birthday in my new apartment in Carbondale. I was beginning my junior year in college at Southern Illinois University - Carbondale. I had originally planned to attend Oakland City University (a small General Baptist college in Indiana), but the day before I was to register, I felt the Lord tell me I was to go to SIU. So I was a tad bit excited, but mostly anxious. I remember dreaming about what my life would be like in 10 years...when I turned 30! Here was the plan for my life: Finish my Bachelor's in Social Work at SIU in 2001. Work for Department of Child & Family Services....let them pay for my Master's in Social Work. Stay working at DCFS for 30 years and retire with a full state pension by age 55. I wanted to buy the 5 acres behind my parents' property and build a house by the creek. (It's really GORGEOUS there!) I wanted to meet a wonderful, Godly man that wanted to serve God with me in our local church. I wanted to travel around the US and the world! I wanted to get married around age 30 & (if I'm able to conceive and carry) have a baby around 32. Yep, that was my plan in a nutshell. I prayed over these things and didn't really hear God say yes or no, so I thought they must be good ideas.
Here's what really happened: I finished my Bachelor's in Social Work in May 2001 as planned. I did my internship at DCFS before graduation, but was unable to be hired without a year of experience. So I took a job at Lutheran CFS and worked there for only 3 months before realizing I DIDN'T like the job that well! Ahhh! Plans gone awry! I began working in outpatient mental health at the local Counseling Center. I really enjoyed this job, even though I didn't think I would at all. I started to see myself there for a long time, and then the agency dissolved!
It was during that time that God called me to apply to the New Life Drama Company. I had no experience in acting, nor did I think I would enjoy it, but I followed His lead. So I spent a tour (3 1/2 months) on the road with NLDC. My team toured Southern California, Arizona, Texas and Nevada. It was AMAZING! When I returned home, I began substitute teaching and LOVED it! So I applied and began a program at Oakland City (yes, the same one I didn't attend earlier) to complete my Master's of Arts in Teaching degree. It was a tough 14 months complete with school work, substitute teaching and then student-teaching, but in the end I finished the program & received my teacher's license! Only to find no teaching positions, so I continued substitute teaching, still loving it & working almost every day!
In 2005, I applied & interviewed for the job that I had student-taught. It was going to be perfect! I knew the school, knew the kids & faculty & already had 1/4 of the lesson plans done! The day before the school board made a decision, God called me to do His work in China for a year. The school board had decided not to hire me, which I realized was all of God's sovereign plan. If I had been given the position here, I may not have gone to China. I spent the 2005-2006 school year teaching English at South China Agricultural University in Guangzhou, China. God worked in so many tremendous ways in that mission field! It was beyond an amazing experience! Two weeks before I was to leave for china, the doctors saw a brain tumor on my dad's CT scan. They didn't know if he would survive the surgery at all, and if he did, they thought there could be significant memory loss. God and I had to wrestle about my obedience to follow Him -- my dad might not be alive when I came home, or he may not remember who I was! God blessed me with wonderful parents who were positive that God had called me to be a missionary & they requested I follow Him. My dad's words were "if I die from the tumor or surgery, it's OK because I know where I'm going....there's millions of Chinese people who need for you to go and tell them about Jesus so they can have Him too". Can parents be anymore wonderful?!?!
While I was in China, I was also blessed with the opportunity to visit missionaries in Davao City, Philippines TWICE! Wonderful place, beautiful people! Wen I returned home from my year overseas, I accepted a national missions position for 2 months working for a church plant in Florida. When I left Florida, I came back home - or as my mom calls it "Meredith's home-base". haha
I began substitute teaching again and remembered that I loved it! Shortly after I returned home, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, so I understand why God had called me home. I was able to be with my parents 24/7 since I didn't have a full-time job. We've gone through chemo, remission, more chemo, horrid bowel obstruction ending in an ileostomy, and more chemo yet. And that's where I find things in my life on my 30th birthday!
So, is my life what I thought it would be? Not completely! I don't even work in Social Work anymore, I no longer have a desire to stay in Clay County, I've no prospects of marriage any time soon, and I'm the full-time caregiver for both of my parents. However, I was able to travel all over the US and a few places in this world, finish my Master's and serve my Jesus wherever He put me!
I'm not always glad about the circumstances in my life, but because of these circumstances (good and bad), I have fallen SO much more in love with my Jesus! And daily I'm learning more and more of His vast love for me as the Lover of my Soul, my Bridegroom, my Beloved!
In 10 years, when I turn (eeek) 40, I pray that I will look back on this time & say "Oh, that faith I thought I had. Oh, the love I thought I understood....I was such a baby in the Lord then!" I don't know where He will send me in the future, nor what job He will have me to do. But of this I am sure, as long as I am walking in His Will and following His steps, He will provide all of my needs and I will NEVER be alone!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I would like to write a book....
Every so often, I will hear myself tell someone (or myself for that matter), "You know, one day, I would love to write a book." I hear that come out of my mouth & wonder what on Earth I would write about! I mean, my life is more interesting than some, but doesn't compare to others. And that statement was what caused me to hear God telling me that I'm not to compare. My story is just as important to Him as anyone else's.
I don't know that I'll ever actually write a book in this lifetime. However, I can write little blips here and there.
My life. Did you ever wonder how you got to where you are? I've pondered that exact sentiment numerous times throughout my life. I suppose it's human nature to contemplate such things in each new season of our lives. In a few weeks, I will turn 30. This fact means two things. There are SO many experiences in this life that are not mine yet. However, it also means I've been here on this old Earth long enough to have more than a few interesting experiences. Experiences that differ from everyone else in this world. Actually, everyone has individual experiences, even if it's just in the way we were conceived and born.
My mother was told she would never have children, which was fine with her because she didn't particularly know if she wanted to be a mother. Surprise, surprise! A little over a year into my parents' marriage found them pregnant with their firstborn (that would be me!). While my mother was pregnant with me, she was hit & ran over by a car, took numerous spills down stairs & such, and was also shocked from the socket box in our mobile home so hard that it literally threw her 8 feet across the room. It's no wonder I came into this world a month earlier than I was supposed to! My mother was a nurse at the local hospital and wasn't scheduled for maternity leave for 4 more weeks. After being admitted to the OB unit, my mother clocked in and sat in a staff meeting. Then, I'm told it was during Charlie's Angels that she asked the nurse if she could use the restroom rather than the bedpan. She was permitted to do so. Upon my mother's return to her bed, the nurse found that she was fully dilated. Do you know what that means? That's right! I was just minutes away from being born in the toilet! And then once I was out, my mother took one look at me and said "Oh Lord, what did I do to deserve this?" Apparently I was an ugly baby. I was sickly skinny - skin and bones with size 2 feet complete with hands and ears to match! I had inch-long hair on only one-half of my head (the other half had rubbed off due to a short umbilical cord). I also had/have what is known as an "angel's kiss" (my eye turns purple when crying hard). Have you pictured all of this? Are you laughing yet? I told you they said I was an ugly baby!
Now I told you all of that to say this: No two people have the same experiences in this life. Even if your story is similar to mine, not every detail would match. That's because God created us as individuals! He loves to give each of us a different story! He does this so that we have a reason to speak and share with one another. If our experiences matched completely, we would have no reason to form relationships with others, because we would already know all of the facts. Since He's created us all differently, we have to communicate with each other to find out how we've all reached the place we are. Ah, the beauty of a God who created a need for community!!
Well, it's late, so I should head to bed now. Oh, and in case you were wondering, my mother decided when I was 4 weeks old that I was no longer ugly. She now says that I'm beautiful. And I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact I look so much like her that our pictures could pass for one another's!
I don't know that I'll ever actually write a book in this lifetime. However, I can write little blips here and there.
My life. Did you ever wonder how you got to where you are? I've pondered that exact sentiment numerous times throughout my life. I suppose it's human nature to contemplate such things in each new season of our lives. In a few weeks, I will turn 30. This fact means two things. There are SO many experiences in this life that are not mine yet. However, it also means I've been here on this old Earth long enough to have more than a few interesting experiences. Experiences that differ from everyone else in this world. Actually, everyone has individual experiences, even if it's just in the way we were conceived and born.
My mother was told she would never have children, which was fine with her because she didn't particularly know if she wanted to be a mother. Surprise, surprise! A little over a year into my parents' marriage found them pregnant with their firstborn (that would be me!). While my mother was pregnant with me, she was hit & ran over by a car, took numerous spills down stairs & such, and was also shocked from the socket box in our mobile home so hard that it literally threw her 8 feet across the room. It's no wonder I came into this world a month earlier than I was supposed to! My mother was a nurse at the local hospital and wasn't scheduled for maternity leave for 4 more weeks. After being admitted to the OB unit, my mother clocked in and sat in a staff meeting. Then, I'm told it was during Charlie's Angels that she asked the nurse if she could use the restroom rather than the bedpan. She was permitted to do so. Upon my mother's return to her bed, the nurse found that she was fully dilated. Do you know what that means? That's right! I was just minutes away from being born in the toilet! And then once I was out, my mother took one look at me and said "Oh Lord, what did I do to deserve this?" Apparently I was an ugly baby. I was sickly skinny - skin and bones with size 2 feet complete with hands and ears to match! I had inch-long hair on only one-half of my head (the other half had rubbed off due to a short umbilical cord). I also had/have what is known as an "angel's kiss" (my eye turns purple when crying hard). Have you pictured all of this? Are you laughing yet? I told you they said I was an ugly baby!
Now I told you all of that to say this: No two people have the same experiences in this life. Even if your story is similar to mine, not every detail would match. That's because God created us as individuals! He loves to give each of us a different story! He does this so that we have a reason to speak and share with one another. If our experiences matched completely, we would have no reason to form relationships with others, because we would already know all of the facts. Since He's created us all differently, we have to communicate with each other to find out how we've all reached the place we are. Ah, the beauty of a God who created a need for community!!
Well, it's late, so I should head to bed now. Oh, and in case you were wondering, my mother decided when I was 4 weeks old that I was no longer ugly. She now says that I'm beautiful. And I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact I look so much like her that our pictures could pass for one another's!
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