What you might not realize about your worship leader

I’m working on the set list for tonight’s worship & intercession gathering.  And, it’s the 14^th anniversary of 9/11.  And, there have been hearings taking place this week in Washington DC regarding the funding of Planned Parenthood.  And, on a less national level, there are a million other things going on in my life and in the lives of those I love.

And my heart cares about each and every one of these things.  And many times throughout my day, I am in prayer for many of these issues…while still keeping on the task at hand.  Sometimes, though, my heart is broken so deeply that I have to take a break from what I’m doing and simply go before the Throne of God, fall on my knees and weep.  And in the midst of all of this, I have to set aside time to seek His heart for others, to hear what He's wanting to share.

After thinking about a conversation I recently had with a friend, I thought I'd share a few things you might not realize about your worship leader...

First and foremost, I want the Lord’s heart to be heard anytime I’m leading worship.  I take the privilege of leading God’s people into His presence very seriously.  Though it may seem like picking out 6-8 songs is an extremely easy task that can be done in 10 minutes, that’s not how I (or most worship leaders) go about it.  I try to spend time with the Lord, seeking His heart and His direction.  Do I miss the mark at times?  Yes, definitely, I’m human.  But that still doesn’t mean I haven’t sought Him and His heart towards you.

Sometimes when I’m leading, I will hear the Holy Spirit give me a song that I hadn’t originally put in the set…and there will be no words on the screen.  Sometimes I miss it when I’m prepping.  Sometimes, sometimes that’s just how the Holy Spirit moves.  Sometimes it’s a test of my faith…will I follow His leading rather than trust my own?  Sometimes, there’s one person in the midst whose heart needs to be reached.  I don’t pretend to understand why God does what He does, He is God, and I am not.  So, if there aren’t words on the screen and it’s a song you don’t know by heart, don’t check out.  Press in, seek Him.  I’ve had people tell me “I didn’t know that song, so I just prayed and He shared [insert care of His heart] with me…and I was so moved by feeling His heart!”  Want to know something?  Most of the time that was the care of His heart He was sharing with me too! 

Sometimes we will sing the same song (or songs with similar message) more than one time in a month…sometimes even weeks in a row.  God wants to share His heart…always.  And during some seasons, He wants our hearts to be heavily burdened for specific cares of His heart.  Please don’t think me to be lazy and that I simply re-use the set list from last week.  And know that if we’ve done the same song 3 weeks in a row, I’ve probably spent time reminding the Lord of that very fact.  But when I stand before Him, I will not be accountable to you, only to Him.

Sometimes we will sing the same line or chorus multiple times.  This is not because I didn’t plan ahead with enough songs to fill the service, nor is it because I simply like the tune (though I very well may!)  It’s again something I am hearing in my spirit.  I know not everyone likes to sing the same line over and over.  I would encourage you to quit just singing it.  Make it the prayer of your heart.  Remember Revelation 4:8 – the 4 living creatures around the Throne declare “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” and the Word says they NEVER cease, DAY and NIGHT.  For me, realizing that this is what they do for ALL eternity…kind of puts singing “You are my King” 12 times into perspective.  It’s not because of “liking” a song…it’s simply declaring Truth and because He is worthy!

There are days when I’m not “feeling it”.  You know what I’m talking about.  You have days when you’re getting ready for church, worship, whatever and you’re like “meh, I’ll go sit in the seat because that’s what I’m supposed to do”.  I have those days too…only I’m behind my keyboard with your eyes on me.  I’m not a fan of the “fake it til you make it” teaching because I desire to be authentic.  I am, however, a huge fan of Psalm 100:4 “Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise!  Give thanks to Him; bless His name!”  If you take but a moment to lift your eyes off of your circumstances & choose to be thankful for all He has provided, you can sing “Blessed Be His Name” even when it feels like all hell is crushing in on you!  Again, He is worthy regardless of what’s going on in our lives!

There are times I have to remind myself - this is not about you and it’s not about me.  Times when my throat is scratchy from allergies, when my foot is cramping from standing behind the keyboard for over an hour, when someone has said something so hurtful I just want to be alone and cry - this isn't about any of those things.  It’s about Him!  The uncreated God of the universe, who created us and gave us life, who CHOOSES to LOVE us…He also longs to hear our voices & see our faces!  And He loves our weak love, and loves to hear our weak “yes”.  He is Worthy of all worship!  Not just the songs we sing, but of lovers of Him to live lives of complete obedience and reckless abandon!

I count it an honor and privilege to serve God and His people.  He knows exactly how terribly short I fall each and every day, yet He blesses me with opportunities to serve Him!  

Death, where is your sting?!

The older I get, the more aware I am that there are so many times in life that it just stinks to be an adult.  Since the beginning of 2015, I have been reminded of this.  My parents had a couple that were their best friends for as long as I can remember…their friends went to our home church, they came to every birthday party, supported every mission trip I went on both in finances & cards, letters, etc., called on a regular basis “just to check up”.

In February, after she had recovered from a severe illness, he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and not given a good prognosis.  This is my father’s best friend.  And since my mom died, they’ve been even closer.  Since Dad can’t drive, he has picked him up for church & other meetings they go to together.  The hard part of being an adult?  When I explained for the 3rd time (traumatic brain injury) to my dad that the prognosis wasn’t good & my father looked at me with misty eyes and said “So you’re saying he’s dying?  I’m losing my best friend?”  And I replied “Unless God intervenes with supernatural healing, yes, he will die from this cancer”. 

Earlier this week, after she had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks, she didn’t survive this past illness.  So, tonight I will be going to my mom’s best friend’s visitation…and I will watch my dad try to console his best friend who has lost his wife and doesn’t seem to be winning his battle with cancer. 

Sometimes, life just stinks.  It just does.  But, I can choose joy and I will choose joy.  Though I will mourn with Terry, I will still choose joy.  How?  Because I know that Mary Ellen is worshiping at Jesus’ feet!  And I know that my mom and her best friend have been reunited!  And I know that one day, I’ll be with them too.  I will choose joy because I can proclaim 1 Corinthians 15:55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”!  So grateful for the Father’s love and Jesus’ obedience on the cross!! 

Ten years ago today...

I heard someone on the news talking about the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  Then I realized that 10 years ago today, I was on a plane on my way to China.  Wow!  10 years!  Is it possible for 10 years to seem like the blink of an eye & also feel like 2 lifetimes all at the same time??  I hope so, because that's where I am!

Ten years ago right now, I was flying for the first time in my life!  I remember how the pilot on one flight said we'd made good time & arrived early because of Katrina (tailwinds or something).  I remember that on the last leg of the journey - the flight from Tokyo to Guangzhou - I started feeling really sick.  I mean, the smells of the food we'd been served made me nauseous.  I couldn't hardly make myself eat the food, which left me hungry.  Throw in some turbulence and exhaustion...and I was done!  Seriously, I was done.  On the last flight, I had it out with God.  I told Him, in no uncertain terms, that the moment we landed & I got my luggage, I was putting a return flight on my credit card and staying at the airport until I flew home.  There was no way I could do this...I am not adventurous enough to eat foods that the smells make me sick.  I could not live a year where I couldn't understand the language (I already couldn't understand the flight attendants).  Others on my team had a shared history, so not only was I feeling bad, but I was already the odd-man out...and we hadn't even landed yet.  So I waited until the light changed signaling I could go to the restroom, walked back there, threw up and then bawled my eyes out and threw up again.

The more I told God I was going back home, the less nauseous I felt.  I figured that meant I had God's approval & it was His peace.  I thought He must have been testing my faith like He did with Abraham...just seeing if I was truly willing to make the sacrifice He asked, then at the last minute He was saying He wouldn't hold me to it.  As I walked back up the aisle and took my seat, I could see beautiful city lights.  The pilot began to speak (not in English)...the only word I understood was "Guangzhou" ...the city I was to live in.  I looked out the window at the lights again and heard God, in His still, small voice, say, "This is why you're here.  Take a good look.  There are MILLIONS living in this city.  They don't know Me.  Some have never even heard of My Name.  And they WILL spend eternity in Hell when they die if they don't know Me.  You have to tell them about Me."   Then He said "Yes, this is going to be a hard year.  Yes, you're going to feel left out at times.  Yes, there will be times you will cry out to Me fearing I've forsaken you.  That's because you're still living on Earth.  This is life, there are seasons.  Yes, this year will be more intense because you're away from all you know and all that is familiar.  But know this, the fire is where purification takes place.  It will be hard, you will want to quit, but I am with you.  My Word's still true - I will NEVER leave or forsake you.  And I love you!  I want you to share My love with others this year just as you do at home, but know that I am drawing you even closer to Me...  I am jealous for your heart and I will take full advantage of the fact that you're physically away from all you know & love to show you My love, to grow you in Me, to become your best friend, to become the 1st One you turn to.  Yes, this year will be hard, but I promise you will be blessed as well.  And, I love you and will never leave you!  Do you trust Me?"  Well, He'd never not kept His Word to me before, so I had to trust Him.

So, when the plane landed, we got our 3000 pounds of luggage - or maybe it was 2-70 lb suitcases & 2 carry-ons :), met teammates I'd only met online prior to that night and got on a bus that took us to our apartment.  It was around midnight, I was starved, exhausted and still an emotional wreck.  I remember a couple of us going to the C-store across the street - I got Pringles & a Coke Light.  Ahh, a little comfort. :)  I remember calling Mom to let her know we'd landed & "yes, I promise I'm fine".  Yeah, it was a lie you tell your Momma when you're on the other side of the world so she doesn't freak out.  I think I cried myself to sleep while feeling extremely claustrophobic in the bottom bunk and more emotional than I'd felt in a long time. lol

No, the year was not easy.  But, I did fall even more in love with Jesus than I thought possible.  And God continued to keep His Word - He never left me.  Every tear, every sniffle, every doubt, every giggle, every "arrgghhh" moment, He was right there with me.  And though it wasn't easy, I am forever thankful that I followed when I heard His voice.

Seasons....

There are seasons.  Seasons in the world, seasons in our lives.  Seasons are completely natural.  I know this to be true.  The problem I'm having lately?  Seasons are supposed to change.  And I feel like I've been in the same season for years...  I feel as though I'm in a season of simply surviving....emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, any other "ally".  And I long to be in a season of thriving!  Fully living!  And, if I'm completely honest, I feel like I'm surviving for others...not even for me.  Maybe that's why I don't feel like I'm living...I have trouble seeing how any aspect of my life is simply for me...my growth, my living in God....all I see is that I'm here for everyone else's dependence & use.  I'm not complaining, seriously I'm not, I'm just being honest.

We never know when seasons are going to change...we just know they're supposed to.  I feel, in so many ways, like I've been in a winter season for years.  I'm ready for spring!

"For lo, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth:  The time of singing has come.  And the voice of the turtle dove is heard in our land." -Song of Solmon 2:11-12

I am SO ready for that spring season...for this winter to be gone!

Alone...

In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, we're told to "pray without ceasing".  I definitely can't say I've achieved that.  But I do converse with God all throughout my day.  Oh, there are times that are set aside to pray for specific requests...taking my petitions before Him.  There are times that are simply for listening/seeking His Will/direction on specific issues.  But, most of the time, there's just a dialogue going throughout the day.  Sometimes it's about little, seemingly unimportant things.  Other times, when I'm sharing my heart, my thoughts, my feelings on bigger issues....those are times when it gets real.

I find that I spend a lot of time asking the "whys" of it all.  I ask "why?" more now than I ever dreamed of asking when I was a child.  Why is this the way it turned out?  Why is this getting so much harder?  Why aren't You being more clear with the lesson You would have me learn (that I'm apparently not)?  A big "why" that seems to be asked in the past few years is "Why do You see fit to leave me here alone?"

Now, I'm aware that there are other people on the planet...I lived in a large city in China, I'm very aware of how many people are on this Earth!  I'm talking about every day life.  I take care of people, I teach children, I lead worship, I spend time with wonderful family and amazing friends.  I love to serve God and His children in whatever way I can.  I was raised by my parents and grandparents to be kind, courteous and helpful, plus it's part of my personality.  I honestly love to pour out into others, I truly do.

But reality hits when I come home, when I'm exhausted or I'm sick...and I'm alone.  Reality hits when I sit down from leading worship or get into my car after time with friends...I'm alone.  Yes, God is always with me, and I'm forever thankful He never leaves me, but reality is that there is no human here with me to hold me when I feel broken, to hug me when I cry, to bring me medicine when I'm sick or to simply remind me that God has not left me.

I know that I am blessed, and I am truly thankful for family, both natural and through Christ.  I know that I'm blessed to love and be loved.  But, it doesn't change the fact that in many moments when I need human interaction or conversation, I am alone.  When I need someone to talk to about taking care of my dad, when I need someone to listen and then talk me down from the edge of panic, I am still alone.  Yes, I am blessed with family in Christ, but, I'm only seeking to be 100% transparent here, though they love me and do care, their families come first.  I am very aware that in those moments (because it's been pointed out to me), I am distracting them or taking them away from their own family.  So, I am left with the choice to bother someone else or cry out to God...most times never not feeling alone.

And I find myself asking God "Why?".  Is there something I've done, some heinous sin that is keeping me alone in this life?  Have I failed to follow Your leading in some way?  Have I angered You in some way?  Am I too needy?  Am I too independent?  Am I too ugly?  Am I too serious?  Am I not serious enough?  Am I too bold?  Am I too timid?  Am I so unlovable that only God Himself can choose to love me...and that's because He IS love?

I truly don't believe I'm still single for any of those reasons.  I know many non-Christians who are married.  I know many people that are consistently negative about everything in life who are married.  I know downright mean people who are have throngs of people who love them.  I know many people who don't know how to let love in, how to be loved...but they're still loved and surrounded by so many.

In all of the times of seeking God's heart, this is an issue that I haven't ever heard an answer on.  One time, I thought the answer I heard was that this season of life would change, but that was quite some time ago...and everything seems to be the same.  Maybe it was wishful thinking added to my prayers.  Maybe I misheard.  Maybe I heard correctly, but His timing is not what I expected.

So...I find myself alone again.  And I will go to Him again.  I will pour out my heart to Him and seek His heart towards me again.  I will do my best to listen to His still, small voice....and maybe one day, I'll hear a clear answer.  In the meantime, I'll keep loving and serving Him and His people and I will choose joy, even if there are tears involved, I will choose joy.  And I'll keep asking the "whys" of it all...knowing that my heart is what He's after.  And knowing that time spent with Him - seeking His heart - is what truly changes mine.

Family in Him is Important

Until a few years ago, I would never have thought twice about sharing details of my life (good and bad, easy and hard) with those in the Body of Christ.  I mean, that's how the Body serves one another as a family...by sharing life.  Now, though, I put everything through a filter.  And my filter is at times so small, that I end up sharing nothing, or if I share, it's only the good/easy things.

A few years ago, I was going through a particularly hard season.  After two extremely difficult weeks where I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of those who were much of the source of my difficult weeks, I found myself with God-family friends.  When they asked how things were going, I was honest.  I shared some of the hurts...things that were said and done, who said or did these things (because who they were in my life added to the sting).  When I got done sharing some of these things, I was already feeling lighter.  I had needed to tell a physical person what had made my heart hurt so badly.  And the response I was received was to quit complaining.  I took the response to the Lord in prayer and added to my pain the extreme guilt that I felt over this.  I spent hours on my face before the Lord asking Him to heal my heart and begging for His forgiveness. A few days later, I was with God-family I hadn't seen for a little while.  We were together for hours, just catching up and sharing life.  I determined I was only going to share good things, but in that season, there honestly was not much good other than breathing...and I'm still not sure that was good...being with Jesus was extremely appealing (more than normal).  I was much quieter than normal, and answered their questions, using my filter to only answer positively...but some questions required sharing negative things to answer the questions honestly.  At the end of our hours together, as we were saying goodbyes, I was told again that I shouldn't focus so much on the negative and I should not share so many negative things of life with people, lest I be seen as whining, and God doesn't like a whiner.

Know what has happened since those encounters that one week?  I have gone from being a person who has always been an open book about the facts of my life, even though somewhat guarded with emotions, to someone who is now guarded with facts of life and only shares emotions when (amazing) friends pry them out of me.  I'm thankful for these friends, but it is not fair that they have to work so hard to get my honest heart.  And I'm trying to not be that way...I don't think it's healthy, and I definitely don't want to lose these beautiful friends because I'm too much work.  And I take it to the Lord, asking Him what I am free to share and what should be reserved for just Him.  The problem with this?  I asked Him these questions before those encounters, and honestly thought I heard His voice clearly that these were people I was safe to share my heart with.  Now, every time I think I hear Him say that some one's safe, I question my hearing, because apparently I didn't hear Him clearly before.

I've come to realize a few things over the past few years, though.  Last week, I shared this with a friend (one of those who is willing to climb the walls I have up around my emotions) and I realized something.  Both of these encounters included me being the only single person...I was always with married couples, which is extremely normal in the Church, at least in my rural area.  I have an amazing memory (sometimes I hate it because it's hard for me to forget!), and I've re-watched these encounters in my mind more times than I care to admit, trying to figure out exactly what I said that was complaining or whining.  And I've come to realize that I wasn't complaining, I wasn't whining, I wasn't expecting validation for some offense in my heart.  I was simply sharing facts of my life and the shape they'd left my heart in.  There's a really great chance every one of the people I was with does the same thing.  They don't just share the facts of their lives, they vent about how those facts make them feel.  But, they have a built-in listener/sounding board, because they're married.  They can share these things with their spouse and not have it weighing so heavy on their heart when they're with church family.  I'm single, I don't have that luxury.  I noticed this wasn't as much of an issue for me until after my mom died.  I was able to share the ups, the downs, the joys, the hurts...all of those things I shared with her.  When she died, I not only had the grief of losing my mother, but the reality of losing my best friend.  I was 30 when she died...all of my other friends had their best friends chosen.  And former best friends were now married to their new best friends.

So what was the point of sharing all of that?  Well, it definitely wasn't to bash anyone.  I am not offended with or angered at these people.  Reality is that they likely don't even remember saying anything.  And if they do, I know they are people that love me and would definitely not have set out to hurt my heart.  Just the opposite, actually, I believe these people would keep my heart from hurting if they could.  I guess I'm hoping that anyone in the Church who reads this will be a little slower to label someone as a complainer.  We all complain sometimes, and it's good for someone to point out our complaining if we aren't seeing it.  But, sometimes people need a trusted friend to share their heart without being judged.  And maybe even to give some insight to those who are married within the Church.  I'm not pretending all married people live glamorous, stress-free lives.  But, you do have someone to share your heart with on a regular basis.  You can vent to your spouse when whatever issue arises on Thursday and it's out of your system in time for you to have it together on your way into church.

Yes, I do take everything to the Lord.  I'm forever grateful that He never tires of hearing me. that He loves and longs to hear my voice.  And I long to hear His voice!  There are times, though, that I long to have someone that I can be completely open and honest with...someone with skin, someone that I can see...without the fear that I'm going to be judged or called out for sharing my life.  I think we're created to be in community, in His family....that means being willing to be with a brother or sister when they're facing circumstances and praying with them when their heart feels shredded beyond repair by those circumstances, not shredding their heart even more.

Pressure...

A few years ago I was at a conference.  The session had just ended in prayer and the group I was with was deciding lunch plans.  All of the sudden, I could see this picture before me so clearly.  I could still see everyone around me and I could hear them talking to me, but I couldn't answer them, I HAD to see what God was showing me.  I suppose this was an “open vision” or whatever you might choose to call it.  I know I've had dreams, visions and words from the Lord, but I can tell you this has stuck in my remembrance for years.

While I was sitting in the chair in the auditorium, all of the sudden I could see an autopsy table before me, think the stainless steel tables you see on CSI.  Then, I saw Jesus standing, leaning over the table.  I moved closer to see what He was doing.  Then I saw that there was a heart lying on the autopsy table.  I knew that it was mine.  And I was overwhelmed with the reality that this was all I had to offer Jesus, my heart and all that was within it.  To begin with, I was at peace with this reality because I've known Him since a young age and have walked with Him since then.  I saw Jesus pick up a scalpel in His right hand and my heart in His left.  I was still at peace.  He made an incision down the middle of the heart and turn upside down so that the opening was facing the table.  I just knew that whatever came out was all I had to offer Him (the jewels in the crown I will throw at His feet).  All of the sudden, I realized no pretty jewels were falling out onto the table.  Instead, all I could see were these horrible black lumps of coal.  I was crushed.  I started to try to tell Jesus how sorry I was, that I was so genuinely surprised to see that come out of my heart.  He motioned me to come closer.  I shook my head, refusing to be closer to Him.  He motioned for me to come closer again, with this patient insistence.  So, I walked closer until I was standing next to Him.

His gaze directed me to look at the coal on the autopsy table.  It was then that I saw each lump of coal had writing on it….each had a different sin written… “pride”, “lying”, “lust”, “bitterness”, just to name a few.  I was appalled at the contents of my heart.  There were sins that I honestly thought I had truly repented of and dealt with.  Then, as I was weeping, staring at the coal, Jesus reached His right hand down to the table.  He picked up a piece of coal and started squeezing it in the palm of His hand.  Immediately I said “NO, Jesus!  You can’t!  You can’t touch my sins!  You can’t get dirty handling my sins!”  He said “Just wait and see.”  He just kept squeezing his fist while I kept weeping.  After what seemed to be an eternity, He turned to face me and held out His hand.  I turned away, I didn't want to see His hand dirty from that coal, my sin.  He told me “It’s OK, just take a look”.  When I looked at His hand, I saw one of the most beautiful diamonds shining, glistening in the light!  Oh how beautiful!  I immediately picked up a piece of coal from the table and began squeezing it in my palm, I didn't want Him to touch anymore of my sins and I wanted beautiful stones to give Him.  But when I looked at my hand, it was just black and dirty.  And the dirt kept moving up my arm.  I looked at Jesus’ arm and realized, for the first time, His hand and arm were spotless…no coal dust was there.  So, I squeezed my hand tighter.  The dirt kept moving up and the coal was not changing. 

Jesus reached out, opened my hand and took the coal.  He began His process again, squeezing His fist, and another beautiful stone was the result!  Then He leaned in and said “It only works when I’m the one to do this.  You can’t cleanse sins, you can’t take the dirty coal and turn it into beautiful gems.  When you allow me to apply pressure, though, that’s when the transformation happens.  You kept crying out for me to not touch your sins, but don’t you remember, My beloved?  I took on your sin 2000 years ago.  I became sin so that this process could take place!”  By this time, I was a sobbing heap on the floor at His feet.  “Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me!  You deserve so much more than the coal/sin in my heart, please take them away!  Please make them beautiful so that You may have a beautiful crown!”  He pulled me up off of the floor and told me again how important the pressure is to change the coal into diamond.  How many times I think that the pressure is simply useless attacks from Satan, and while Jesus isn't causing evil, He is allowing it so that the transforming pressure can occur.

Then He began picking up my sins one at a time, applying pressure and turning them into beautiful gemstones.  When every piece of coal had been transformed into a gorgeous stone, He picked up my heart and began placing the stones, one by one, back into my heart.  Then He handed me my heart and told me to remember to run to Him in the times of great pressure, to give my sin to Him so that He could transform it.

My prayer, for you and me, is that when the hard times come, when the pressures of this life become intense, we would turn to Him.  Take all of our heart to Him, don’t hide anything back, but let Him do His transforming work.