Tonight I will be going to Iuka GB Church. My pastor is preaching there and has asked me to come and sing a song. The song is one from IHOP....the chorus is "Do you know that you've caught My eye, in the secret place where you chose to die? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?" The verses aren't really written...they're more prophetic flowing - something that God wants to share. I always find prophetic singing awesome and scary. It's so awesome that God can use His people in such a way, and I'm so humbled to be one of them, but I get scared that I will hear (and in turn speak/sing) incorrectly. I think that fear is a good thing, though...it's the healthy "fear of the Lord". It makes me seek Him harder because I truly want to share His heart with His people. I mean that's the whole purpose anyway....to hear, know and share the heart of God.
Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!
I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More at peace than I was...
OK. So today was a little better than last night. I still feel like I don't fit in...but with the extra prayers of a friend going up....I am not feeling as bad as I did last night! I have more peace about not fitting in. :) Praise God!
Isn't it funny how 2 sentences can trigger feelings & memories of things said over the past year? That's what happened last night. After 2 sentences were said..a whole plethora of memories flooded my mind of how I felt hurt by statements made in the past and the way those statements made me feel.
On top of all of my feelings ranging from anger to hurt (and everywhere in between), I realized that normally I would talk all of these things over with my mom. Even when I lived in China, I talked to my mom quite frequently and she was always more than willing to be my sounding board. I miss her not being here for me to talk to. My mom loved to let me vent and then watch me sort out my feelings and thoughts. Then when I figured out what was at the root of everything and how I needed to deal with it, she would smile & say, "Yep, I knew you'd figure out what you needed to do." She was an amazing mama who was an amazing teacher like that. She made sure we knew how to think for ourselves and make decisions on our own. But a sounding board was never a bad thing to have!
I realized tonight how much God has blessed me. I don't have my mama here, and she's definitely the person I want to talk with to work things out. But because we live in a not-perfect, fallen world, she isn't here anymore. God, however, in all of His graciousness, has provided me with wonderful family and friends. They're not here to take Mom's place, but He's provided them to help fill the void. I am so thankful that He is such a good God. He could have let me lose my mom and not sent anyone else to help me out. However, I realized that 3 nights this week alone, I have spoken to 3 different "mamas" that He's provided me. And last week, I ran into 2 different "grandmas" that I've known & loved (and have loved me) since I was born. All of these people are in my spiritual family. And I am once again humbled by the awesomeness of my God - that He truly adopts and brings us into a family! And I have family everywhere! Oh what a good, good God!
Isn't it funny how 2 sentences can trigger feelings & memories of things said over the past year? That's what happened last night. After 2 sentences were said..a whole plethora of memories flooded my mind of how I felt hurt by statements made in the past and the way those statements made me feel.
On top of all of my feelings ranging from anger to hurt (and everywhere in between), I realized that normally I would talk all of these things over with my mom. Even when I lived in China, I talked to my mom quite frequently and she was always more than willing to be my sounding board. I miss her not being here for me to talk to. My mom loved to let me vent and then watch me sort out my feelings and thoughts. Then when I figured out what was at the root of everything and how I needed to deal with it, she would smile & say, "Yep, I knew you'd figure out what you needed to do." She was an amazing mama who was an amazing teacher like that. She made sure we knew how to think for ourselves and make decisions on our own. But a sounding board was never a bad thing to have!
I realized tonight how much God has blessed me. I don't have my mama here, and she's definitely the person I want to talk with to work things out. But because we live in a not-perfect, fallen world, she isn't here anymore. God, however, in all of His graciousness, has provided me with wonderful family and friends. They're not here to take Mom's place, but He's provided them to help fill the void. I am so thankful that He is such a good God. He could have let me lose my mom and not sent anyone else to help me out. However, I realized that 3 nights this week alone, I have spoken to 3 different "mamas" that He's provided me. And last week, I ran into 2 different "grandmas" that I've known & loved (and have loved me) since I was born. All of these people are in my spiritual family. And I am once again humbled by the awesomeness of my God - that He truly adopts and brings us into a family! And I have family everywhere! Oh what a good, good God!
Fitting in...
It seems like these past few days, months, years even have been tough. Yes, lots of things have happened to make life not so fun, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me having trouble finding where I "fit".
As a disclaimer: I know that Heaven is my ultimate home and where my citizenship is. I know that I will be homesick for Heaven (which I love that we can be homesick for somewhere we've never been!) until either Jesus comes back to Earth or I pass from this part of life into eternity. I understand that I will never feel completely like I am "at home" until I really am at Home.
However, lately I don't seem to be "fitting" anywhere. I'm in Flora, IL now, which has been my home for most of my life - minus college, traveling with the drama company, living in China and Florida. That means Flora has been my home for at least 25 years. So I should fit, right? Nope, I don't. I'm not for sure that I ever really fit in here to begin with. And that's OK...it really is. I've dealt with not being part of "the norm" most of my life it seems. One time when I was younger, I told my mom that I was going to be property adjoining hers & build a little house; she told me "Nope, I just have a feeling that's not at all what you're going to want to do when you grow up. I think you're going to go to college and then travel to see the country. And you won't want to live in Clay County, but always remember, that's OK. You don't have to live the same life I've lived. I think God has something very different in store for you." Even my mom knew that I didn't "fit in" at a young age! haha
I guess the issue has been that, as of late, it seems that if I ever express that I don't feel as though I fit in here, everyone assumes that I'm a judgmental snob. I really am not, I'm just stating that I am aware I'm different than most people I'm around. I don't have a desire to settle down, raise a family in the old farmhouse and live out the rest of my earthly days here. I'm 30 and still single (and not pining away for a husband, nor depressed that I don't have one - I kinda even like it sometimes haha). I have a Master's degree because I LOVE learning & value education. I'm not a woman that constantly "hears" her biological clock ticking away, in fact I'm not for sure that I ever want to have children of my own if I ever do get married. I want to travel the world! I like city life! Yep, that's me in a nutshell!
I know many people that were married before age 18 and had kids before 20. I know lots of people who chose that college was not for them. I have lots of friends that are stay-at-home moms & can't imagine doing anything else! I know many people who hate city life, who never want to travel and that's OK! Yes, I have trouble relating, but it's completely wonderful if that's their hearts' desires! I don't automatically assume myself to be superior, nor them to be inferior. I admit that it's hard to relate to people when we're coming from opposite viewpoints, but I do try my darndest.
The problem I'm facing lately is that because of these differences, I'm being judged. I can't count the number of times I've heard (just since my mom died in November), "So are you going to start dating now?" "Isn't it time that you find a guy & settle down?" or my favorite - "You know, you're not getting any younger & if you don't hurry up and get a guy, you might not be able to have kids!" My reply is usually "I dont' know for sure that God has marriage or kids in my future." Their reply "Oh! Don't say sad things like that!" My response "It's really not sad, I'm OK with staying single. And if I do get married, I'm not for sure that I want kids anyway." Reply (with faces with that shocked/horror look & voice dripping with disdain and/or pity) "Ohh, I see, how sad." Or, my favorite response "Oh, I get it! You're gay!" ARGH!!!! I don't walk up to people & say "Oh my gosh! You're married & not even 22! AND you have kids?! Oh how sad!!" Can you imagine what would happen if I said that?! Just because it's different from my life doesn't make it sad, so why does my life state seem so sad to others?
I guess my problem is mostly my hurt feelings. I'm so tired of being the one that gets labeled and treated as though I have a problem simply because I'm different from those I'm around. I don't understand how people can say they "truly believe I'm following God's Plan for my life" and then treat me as if I'm a freak because I'm not just like them. Newsflash: God made us all individuals with different purposes...that's what makes the world interesting!
OK, my Darvocet has kicked in and I'm beyond not making any sense now. I used to be frustrated I didn't have regular readers, but I am beginning to think it's a good thing, because I can use this blog as a journal of sorts! I think writing is therapeutic...it helps me figure out my thoughts when they're swirling around!
As a disclaimer: I know that Heaven is my ultimate home and where my citizenship is. I know that I will be homesick for Heaven (which I love that we can be homesick for somewhere we've never been!) until either Jesus comes back to Earth or I pass from this part of life into eternity. I understand that I will never feel completely like I am "at home" until I really am at Home.
However, lately I don't seem to be "fitting" anywhere. I'm in Flora, IL now, which has been my home for most of my life - minus college, traveling with the drama company, living in China and Florida. That means Flora has been my home for at least 25 years. So I should fit, right? Nope, I don't. I'm not for sure that I ever really fit in here to begin with. And that's OK...it really is. I've dealt with not being part of "the norm" most of my life it seems. One time when I was younger, I told my mom that I was going to be property adjoining hers & build a little house; she told me "Nope, I just have a feeling that's not at all what you're going to want to do when you grow up. I think you're going to go to college and then travel to see the country. And you won't want to live in Clay County, but always remember, that's OK. You don't have to live the same life I've lived. I think God has something very different in store for you." Even my mom knew that I didn't "fit in" at a young age! haha
I guess the issue has been that, as of late, it seems that if I ever express that I don't feel as though I fit in here, everyone assumes that I'm a judgmental snob. I really am not, I'm just stating that I am aware I'm different than most people I'm around. I don't have a desire to settle down, raise a family in the old farmhouse and live out the rest of my earthly days here. I'm 30 and still single (and not pining away for a husband, nor depressed that I don't have one - I kinda even like it sometimes haha). I have a Master's degree because I LOVE learning & value education. I'm not a woman that constantly "hears" her biological clock ticking away, in fact I'm not for sure that I ever want to have children of my own if I ever do get married. I want to travel the world! I like city life! Yep, that's me in a nutshell!
I know many people that were married before age 18 and had kids before 20. I know lots of people who chose that college was not for them. I have lots of friends that are stay-at-home moms & can't imagine doing anything else! I know many people who hate city life, who never want to travel and that's OK! Yes, I have trouble relating, but it's completely wonderful if that's their hearts' desires! I don't automatically assume myself to be superior, nor them to be inferior. I admit that it's hard to relate to people when we're coming from opposite viewpoints, but I do try my darndest.
The problem I'm facing lately is that because of these differences, I'm being judged. I can't count the number of times I've heard (just since my mom died in November), "So are you going to start dating now?" "Isn't it time that you find a guy & settle down?" or my favorite - "You know, you're not getting any younger & if you don't hurry up and get a guy, you might not be able to have kids!" My reply is usually "I dont' know for sure that God has marriage or kids in my future." Their reply "Oh! Don't say sad things like that!" My response "It's really not sad, I'm OK with staying single. And if I do get married, I'm not for sure that I want kids anyway." Reply (with faces with that shocked/horror look & voice dripping with disdain and/or pity) "Ohh, I see, how sad." Or, my favorite response "Oh, I get it! You're gay!" ARGH!!!! I don't walk up to people & say "Oh my gosh! You're married & not even 22! AND you have kids?! Oh how sad!!" Can you imagine what would happen if I said that?! Just because it's different from my life doesn't make it sad, so why does my life state seem so sad to others?
I guess my problem is mostly my hurt feelings. I'm so tired of being the one that gets labeled and treated as though I have a problem simply because I'm different from those I'm around. I don't understand how people can say they "truly believe I'm following God's Plan for my life" and then treat me as if I'm a freak because I'm not just like them. Newsflash: God made us all individuals with different purposes...that's what makes the world interesting!
OK, my Darvocet has kicked in and I'm beyond not making any sense now. I used to be frustrated I didn't have regular readers, but I am beginning to think it's a good thing, because I can use this blog as a journal of sorts! I think writing is therapeutic...it helps me figure out my thoughts when they're swirling around!
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