My New Friend, Carol

So, the night before my birthday, I was a bit down. I was missing my mama a lot. Of all the previous birthdays I'd had, I had never spent one not with her. So yeah, I was missing her.

It was a Saturday night, which meant I was just leaving worship & prayer at the River of Life (my church body in Cisne). Another lady & I were getting ready to go to our cars when we heard someone yell "Hey, River of Life people, would one of you come over here?" Since Tina's daughter was having a sleepover & she had both little gals with her, I told her to go on home & I'd go over to speak with the lady. She asked if our church was affiliated with IHOP-KC (which we're not, but a lot of us go there often & stay plugged in), so this started a new friendship for me!

She told me that since she lived across the street from our meeting place, she'd been meaning to attend, but just hadn't felt like it. Then she asked if we would put her on our prayer list because of her cancer. I told her if she'd tell me how to open the gate, I'd do one better & pray with her right then. So I went up to where she was sitting on her front porch to go pray with her. I had this feeling within me, but I asked anyway "What kind of cancer do you have that we are praying against?" She answered "stage 4 ovarian cancer".

I already knew it just from looking at her, and the feeling within my spirit. And she confirmed it with that answer. I had a moment - it was really only a second or two - that felt like an eternity. The thoughts were racing through my mind "Really, God? You send me to this stranger's house to pray for her healing of ovarian cancer? Really? After we prayed for almost 3 years for my mom (the SAME cancer) and she didn't get healed on Earth? Really, God? Is this a joke?" All of that was within one second. The next thing I knew, I heard God answering "Yes, really. Your job is to pray and believe that I'm God and I'm going to complete My will. I'm not asking you to heal her, just pray for her. And remember that whatever the outcome, I'm with You just as I always have been". That's a lot of stuff, but it really did happen within a blink or two of the eye.

So, she sent me into her house to get oil, I anointed her head & we prayed. We prayed and prayed. God just came over the both of us as I laid hands upon her head and belly. God was SOO there in the midst! His presence was so strong! The Holy Spirit gave both of us such a sweet peace. So, after we prayed, she asked me to sit down and chat with her. I didn't have anywhere to be since it was 9:30 on a Saturday night, so I did. We talked & talked - basically sharing each other's life stories! She asked why I seemed so familiar with ovarian cancer, so I told her about my mom. I felt kinda bad, like "yeah, we prayed for my mom too and she's dead now, but I'm gonna keep praying for you too". That's the awesome thing that God reminded me, though. He doesn't ask me to go around healing people. He asks me to pray for them. Healing is His job, which He pours out as He sees fit. As Misty Edwards said "At the end of the day, some people get healed, some people don't. God is sovereign and gets to choose, we just have to deal with it."

Carol & I sat there talking on her front porch until 12:30AM - meaning it was my birthday! We are such kindred spirits. Just our experiences in life, the way the Lord has shown Himself to us, the paths He's taken us on. We were instant friends. She's a little older than my mom. And as I got into my car to drive home, I realized it was my birthday....and that meeting Carol was a gift God had given me. I still missed my mama, but the ache wasn't so strong. God had reminded me that He never leaves us nor forsakes us...He is our Provider. And, He's a good, good God who loves to bless His children!

Over the past couple of months, Carol's cancer came out of remission. So she's back to doing chemo and such. I just talked to her this afternoon and, bless her heart, she's so weak, so can only talk on the phone for a few minutes. Her lungs keep filling up with fluid (ovarian cancer cells produces ascites - fluid). She's going Monday to have a chest tube put in to drain the fluid on the lung. She also said they're bringing in a hospital bed to help her with getting up and down, and she's not allowed to stay by herself because she's so weak and short of breath.

Please pray for Carol. She reminds me of my mama in that she has such a strong faith in the Lord. She knows - and is at peace with knowing - that at any moment, God could choose to heal her body, or take her home, whichever is within His plan. I will continue to pray for her until God heals her, because that's what He's asked of me. The way He chooses to heal her is up to Him, but I know what my job is. Please pray with me for, not only her healing, but for strength, comfort and peace. Thanks!!

Single forever?

There are lots of times in my life that I don't mind being single. I really don't. I have even written before about the privileges and advantages that I'm aware I have as a single adult. And I truly believe that there are lots of perks to my singleness!

And I don't want to be one of those gals who is constantly pining away for a husband. In fact, most of my friends would tell you that's not really my style. However, there are those days...those days when you find out that friends are pregnant, engaged or even in a new relationship. Friends that were the ones everyone expected to stay single forever. And those days...well those days sting a little bit. It's not that you wish ill on your friends, exactly the opposite. Because you know better than anyone how excited they are to finally find someone even though they're over 30! I can relate to those friends much better than our friends who started dating in high school. But there's still something about it that causes a little sting. I used to think it was jealousy, but I don't think that's really it. I think it's just the sting that comes with being offended at God. The moment of "why are You withholding something this good from me, but not anyone else?" And you know as soon as those words come out of your mouth (or your heart if it be the case), you know that is not the truth. You know that God is a good God who only has good and perfect gifts to give you. You work to make your heart and your brain work together to get this knowledge to stick to your innermost thoughts....for the millionth time!

I have to make myself remember that I'm not God. I'm probably one of those people that everyone expects to stay single...and maybe God will shock them (and me) by sending someone into my life one day! Maybe He'll use my singleness in even more awesome ways that He has thus far. And maybe He'll just continue to do what He's promised and stick by my side, hold my hand and carry me when I need it! Yep, I know He'll do that for sure!

When all's said & done!

I was talking with a friend today about funerals. She was talking about paying for a loved one's services, and then we were just talking in general. And I'm watching a movie in which someone just said goodbye to his best friend, and it's the funeral scene right now.

Now, growing up in a Christian home and being a preacher's kid, I've been to my share of funerals & visitations. Shoot, I've even sang at funerals (not as weird as you'd think!). I've attended those of loved ones - biological family, church family, friends. I've even had to go through planning my mother's funeral.

All that said, I was thinking the other day about how people exchange words to family members that have lost loved ones. There are many standard things that you hear, "He will be missed so much; She was such a lovely person; He was a good person; He/she did so many good things. He loved his family so much. She loved her church and was such an active member. She was a lovely singer. He was a great preacher. He did/was {fill-in-the-blank}".

While I was thinking about it, I realized that I don't want any of those things to be said when I leave this earthly body. What I want to be said of me when I'm gone is "She loved her Lord with all her heart, soul, mind & strength; and she strived to live a life pleasing to Him". Now all I have to do is continue to make that true about me now...because nothing can be true of me after I'm gone from Earth if it isn't true of me while I'm still here!

That time again...

Yep, it's that time again. It's getting close to my birthday. On Sunday, I shall become 31-year-old! As per norm, I take my birthday as a time to reflect upon my life, the paths I've taken, decisions made, changes in circumstances and my growth in God.

This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.

I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.

OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!

So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.

Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!

Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!

Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!

Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.

Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!

Eyes like Fire!

Last night I did not sleep well. In fact, I didn't really sleep last night, as it was 6:00 AM before I finally fell asleep. I watched TV, I read, I spent time thinking, and I kept trying to go to sleep. Around 4:00, I lay in my bed with my body aching. I remember thinking I felt like a 70-year-old. I hate fibromyalgia. And I have a sinus infection to boot...so my head felt like it was in a vice grip.

Sometime around 4:30, I found myself before the Lord. I remember saying "I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, God. I know that You paid for my healing, Jesus. And I also know that You've said we have not because we ask not. So God, I am asking You now, please heal my body. I know that it's nothing too big or too small for You, so I'm asking that You please heal my body."

And then, all of the sudden, I could see that I was literally before the Throne. I remember saying "I'm coming boldly before Your Throne, Lord!" I confessed that for many years, every time I've spent time in prayer for healing, I always find someone who is legitimately more sick than I am, and I pray for that person's healing. I realized that I have been, in a way, disqualifying myself from His healing. I have fibromyalgia, bad sinuses & allergies, and acid reflux. All of which are things that I can live with if I use my medications and eat carefully. Somewhere in my mind I equated that with being less worthy of His time. But I realized that though my problems are livable, God could definitely heal me...He loves me as much as He loves anyone else.

And then I realized there was more than just prayers for healing taking place. While I saw myself before the Throne, I looked up at one point and saw Jesus looking at me. He appeared almost as a lion. His eyes were like fire. They were burning with a deep desire for me to see His love. They were burning with love for ME. They also burned with a love of jealousy. I could see it in those eyes like fire. Then He asked me, "Do you love Me?" I replied, "Yes, Jesus, I love You, I love You!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than any other lover?" My reply, "Jesus, that's my heart's desire! I know that I fail, but I strive to love You more than any other!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than your family? More than your friends? More than your church family?" To each I replied, "Yes, Jesus, yes!" "Do you love Me enough to do what I ask you? Enough to leave all that you know & love behind? Enough to do the things I ask of you, even if they're not your personal desires? Enough to keep serving those who act as though they do not appreciate you? Enough to stay at home with your earthly father until he dies, if I ask it of you? Enough to give up any dreams of marrying and adopting? Enough to live a life full of persecution from those that you love?" At this point I was weeping, after each question, my answer remained, "Yes, Jesus! If that's what You ask of me, then yes, Jesus!" He asked, "Do you love Me enough to literally lay down your earthly life simply for loving & following Me?" "Oh yes, my Beloved! I love You enough to do that!" All this time, He was looking into my eyes, into my soul with those eyes that just kept burning with a tender, just and jealous love.

Then He surrounded me with His love and said "I believe you, my beloved, I believe you. Though you have not always made the right decisions, you have proven your love for Me so many times! In those quiet, secret places where no one was watching, where no one saw the sacrifices that you made, I saw. And your human heart cannot understand the love that I have for you!"

So I spent an hour with my Lord, my King, my Judge, my Friend, my Brother, my Bridegroom! He kept pouring His love over me! And then He asked me if i was willing to surrender all other lovers, all other people/things/thoughts that distract me from following Him at all times. I answered that I was. And it was as though He took on the attributes of a lion even more so. I could see and feel Him literally shredding the things around my heart that were distractions. He would name something & I would say "rid me of it, Jesus". And I could feel him literally tearing those things off of my heart.

I have to say that it was an exhausting experience. And around 6:00 am, I was so tired that I couldn't hardly stay awake. But I wanted to! I was in the presence of my Beloved! Feeling His love for me, and seeing that jealous love in His eyes like fire. I think this was the 2nd time of seeing His eyes of fire, but this time they were so much more powerful! I wasn't just seeing His eyes, I was feeling His eyes....I could feel His jealousy and His love for ME in those eyes!! I can't say that I woke up feeling healed, unfortunately. In fact, if anything I physically felt worse because of the lack of sleep. But my spirit, oh my spirit is so much more at peace, and my spirit has been healed! And I don't believe I will ever forget those eyes of fire!!

I'm done with it all!

I'm done with it all! Really. I'm done! I'm done with letting people decide my worth. I'm done with letting the approval or rejection of man define who I am. I am done trying to do what I think people want me to do. I am done living my life trying to receive praises and avoid rejection of people - even those that I love and love me.

My identity is determined by God and not by people! If I could keep my brain and heart wrapped around that fact, I'd be in good shape. And if I could get other people to realize that, I'd be in better shape. Or maybe it's just that I need to remind myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter.

It's amazing how we, even as followers of Christ, let people's opinions of us count so much. In Galatians 1:10 Paul asks "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Did you get that one part? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is some serious stuff. He's saying that living for the approval of man can cause us to not be considered a servant of Christ.

I've been learning a lot of really weighty and deep things lately regarding the praises and rejections of man. But I'm not always that deep, so I've had to bring some of these truths down to my level. Here's some of what God's been teaching me.

His opinion is the only one that matters. There will be times that what He's calling me to do make no sense to anyone - even others that follow Him, but I'm still expected to follow Him. If I can allow myself to feel good by the praises of man, I'll surely be deflated by man's rejection.

When the day comes that I'm standing before my Lord - face to face, and I'm required to give an account of how I obeyed/disobeyed Him, how I followed/didn't follow Him and whether or not I've pleased Him - it all boils down to one thing. When I'm standing before my Lord, the opinions of people (even those that I love and that love me) will NOT count for anything. What WILL count is His opinion of me. Knowing that I will stand to give an account before Him encourages me to live my life for Him and only Him, regardless of any opinion of man.

Do you know....

Tonight I will be going to Iuka GB Church. My pastor is preaching there and has asked me to come and sing a song. The song is one from IHOP....the chorus is "Do you know that you've caught My eye, in the secret place where you chose to die? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?" The verses aren't really written...they're more prophetic flowing - something that God wants to share. I always find prophetic singing awesome and scary. It's so awesome that God can use His people in such a way, and I'm so humbled to be one of them, but I get scared that I will hear (and in turn speak/sing) incorrectly. I think that fear is a good thing, though...it's the healthy "fear of the Lord". It makes me seek Him harder because I truly want to share His heart with His people. I mean that's the whole purpose anyway....to hear, know and share the heart of God.

Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!

I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!

More at peace than I was...

OK. So today was a little better than last night. I still feel like I don't fit in...but with the extra prayers of a friend going up....I am not feeling as bad as I did last night! I have more peace about not fitting in. :) Praise God!

Isn't it funny how 2 sentences can trigger feelings & memories of things said over the past year? That's what happened last night. After 2 sentences were said..a whole plethora of memories flooded my mind of how I felt hurt by statements made in the past and the way those statements made me feel.

On top of all of my feelings ranging from anger to hurt (and everywhere in between), I realized that normally I would talk all of these things over with my mom. Even when I lived in China, I talked to my mom quite frequently and she was always more than willing to be my sounding board. I miss her not being here for me to talk to. My mom loved to let me vent and then watch me sort out my feelings and thoughts. Then when I figured out what was at the root of everything and how I needed to deal with it, she would smile & say, "Yep, I knew you'd figure out what you needed to do." She was an amazing mama who was an amazing teacher like that. She made sure we knew how to think for ourselves and make decisions on our own. But a sounding board was never a bad thing to have!

I realized tonight how much God has blessed me. I don't have my mama here, and she's definitely the person I want to talk with to work things out. But because we live in a not-perfect, fallen world, she isn't here anymore. God, however, in all of His graciousness, has provided me with wonderful family and friends. They're not here to take Mom's place, but He's provided them to help fill the void. I am so thankful that He is such a good God. He could have let me lose my mom and not sent anyone else to help me out. However, I realized that 3 nights this week alone, I have spoken to 3 different "mamas" that He's provided me. And last week, I ran into 2 different "grandmas" that I've known & loved (and have loved me) since I was born. All of these people are in my spiritual family. And I am once again humbled by the awesomeness of my God - that He truly adopts and brings us into a family! And I have family everywhere! Oh what a good, good God!

Fitting in...

It seems like these past few days, months, years even have been tough. Yes, lots of things have happened to make life not so fun, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me having trouble finding where I "fit".

As a disclaimer: I know that Heaven is my ultimate home and where my citizenship is. I know that I will be homesick for Heaven (which I love that we can be homesick for somewhere we've never been!) until either Jesus comes back to Earth or I pass from this part of life into eternity. I understand that I will never feel completely like I am "at home" until I really am at Home.

However, lately I don't seem to be "fitting" anywhere. I'm in Flora, IL now, which has been my home for most of my life - minus college, traveling with the drama company, living in China and Florida. That means Flora has been my home for at least 25 years. So I should fit, right? Nope, I don't. I'm not for sure that I ever really fit in here to begin with. And that's OK...it really is. I've dealt with not being part of "the norm" most of my life it seems. One time when I was younger, I told my mom that I was going to be property adjoining hers & build a little house; she told me "Nope, I just have a feeling that's not at all what you're going to want to do when you grow up. I think you're going to go to college and then travel to see the country. And you won't want to live in Clay County, but always remember, that's OK. You don't have to live the same life I've lived. I think God has something very different in store for you." Even my mom knew that I didn't "fit in" at a young age! haha

I guess the issue has been that, as of late, it seems that if I ever express that I don't feel as though I fit in here, everyone assumes that I'm a judgmental snob. I really am not, I'm just stating that I am aware I'm different than most people I'm around. I don't have a desire to settle down, raise a family in the old farmhouse and live out the rest of my earthly days here. I'm 30 and still single (and not pining away for a husband, nor depressed that I don't have one - I kinda even like it sometimes haha). I have a Master's degree because I LOVE learning & value education. I'm not a woman that constantly "hears" her biological clock ticking away, in fact I'm not for sure that I ever want to have children of my own if I ever do get married. I want to travel the world! I like city life! Yep, that's me in a nutshell!

I know many people that were married before age 18 and had kids before 20. I know lots of people who chose that college was not for them. I have lots of friends that are stay-at-home moms & can't imagine doing anything else! I know many people who hate city life, who never want to travel and that's OK! Yes, I have trouble relating, but it's completely wonderful if that's their hearts' desires! I don't automatically assume myself to be superior, nor them to be inferior. I admit that it's hard to relate to people when we're coming from opposite viewpoints, but I do try my darndest.

The problem I'm facing lately is that because of these differences, I'm being judged. I can't count the number of times I've heard (just since my mom died in November), "So are you going to start dating now?" "Isn't it time that you find a guy & settle down?" or my favorite - "You know, you're not getting any younger & if you don't hurry up and get a guy, you might not be able to have kids!" My reply is usually "I dont' know for sure that God has marriage or kids in my future." Their reply "Oh! Don't say sad things like that!" My response "It's really not sad, I'm OK with staying single. And if I do get married, I'm not for sure that I want kids anyway." Reply (with faces with that shocked/horror look & voice dripping with disdain and/or pity) "Ohh, I see, how sad." Or, my favorite response "Oh, I get it! You're gay!" ARGH!!!! I don't walk up to people & say "Oh my gosh! You're married & not even 22! AND you have kids?! Oh how sad!!" Can you imagine what would happen if I said that?! Just because it's different from my life doesn't make it sad, so why does my life state seem so sad to others?

I guess my problem is mostly my hurt feelings. I'm so tired of being the one that gets labeled and treated as though I have a problem simply because I'm different from those I'm around. I don't understand how people can say they "truly believe I'm following God's Plan for my life" and then treat me as if I'm a freak because I'm not just like them. Newsflash: God made us all individuals with different purposes...that's what makes the world interesting!

OK, my Darvocet has kicked in and I'm beyond not making any sense now. I used to be frustrated I didn't have regular readers, but I am beginning to think it's a good thing, because I can use this blog as a journal of sorts! I think writing is therapeutic...it helps me figure out my thoughts when they're swirling around!

She's entered Heaven now...

I realize it's been a while since I've written anything. On Friday, November 27, 2009, my mother - Gladys Faye (Meredith) Weaver - passed from this life into eternity at 4:40 pm. The day before she passed was not only Thanksgiving, but it was also my parents' 32nd wedding anniversary.

On Thanksgiving, Aunt Peg & Uncle Phil, Jen, Jon & Parker all came over to our house to "celebrate". Mom was sitting in her chair in the living room....only opening her eyes as a response when we would talk to her. I cooked a turkey all by myself for the first time...it was a strange feeling for me. I have cooked most of the entire Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners before as Mom worked in the medical profession and wasn't able to take off every holiday. But I had never had to prepare the turkey - Mom always did that before she went to work. Apparently she taught me well, because everyone said it was wonderful. We had as good of a time we could have talking & being thankful for what we did have...one more day together, regardless of how many more we had left. We also had reason to be so very thankful for our Savior, Jesus, who had given His life so that we may have eternal life. And we were thankful that when the time came for Mom to leave us, we knew she would be joining Him in Heaven and we will see her again.

On Friday morning, the Hospice nurse came to the house (she'd been there on Wed morning) and said "oh my, I can tell by her breathing and lack of neck muscles to hold up her head, it's not going to be long...probably 24 hours". So they ordered a hospital bed to be brought out so that Mom could be more comfortable. The hospital bed arrived around noon, and I just knew that once we had Mom not sitting up in a chair, it wouldn't be long. The ovarian cancer had blocked off her intestines, keeping anything from going past her stomach, thus anything she swallowed, she vomitted back up. The last few days, she was vomiting without even swallowing anything...the intestines wouldn't take any of the normal gastric juice. So I knew that once she wasn't in a sitting position, she would aspirate quicker.

I was able to call people to have them praying - thank you so much if you were amongst that number. It was so strange. I was calling people to tell them that my mom was going to die soon, yet I still had such peace in my spirit. I knew that she was going to Heaven and I'll see her again soon. It also helped to know that she wouldn't be suffering anymore.

Around 4:30, her breathing began to become even more shallow and slow. I knew in my gut what was going to happen moments before it actually happened. Mom started to vomit, I grabbed the bucket to put up to her mouth...yet the bucket remained empty. My sister & I pulled her upright in the bed to see if that would help her, but all we heard was a little bit of gurgling (the fluid going back into her lungs) and a few last gasps. And that was the moment my mom saw Jesus face to face as He is. And the moment I became motherless on this Earth. Fortunately, we were all with her, praying over her, holding her hands and telling her how much we loved her. My dad, my sister, my aunt (mom's sister) and her husband and myself. As I type this, I can remember every detail vividly. The sight, smell, feeling in the pit of my stomach, yet peace in my soul.

We held the visitation for my mom on Monday evening and her funeral on Tuesday morning. Most of her family was able to be here, minus a niece & nephew & a few in-laws. I love my family so much! As tough as the time could have been, family & friends helped to make things better. But the Lord, oh my precious Lord, He provided me with peace and strength beyond my imagination! He is so good and so faithful!!

The service went exactly the way Mom had requested, complete with her favorite songs "As the Deer" and "Sit with You A While". The one thing that I will definitely remember about the whole event was the night of the visitation. As per norm, my dad, sister & myself went in first by ourselves to view the body. And as I type view the body...that's exactly what I did. Yes, the body looked like my mom...maybe with a little fancier hair & makeup than normal haha But, my mom was not in that body! When I looked at her face, I could almost hear her say "You know that I'm not in there anymore." I looked at the casket, and was struck with the thought -- that is not my mother. That is her cancer-ridden shell that she's shed! She's not in pain anymore, she has no more worries, no more tears and no more vomiting! She's with the Lord! I could almost see her, on her knees, with her hands in the air, worshipping her Lord...while physically being in His presence!

Oh how envious I am of her! I have shed tears, don't get me wrong. I am sad that I don't have my mom here anymore. I miss her. I miss her laugh, her eye rolls at me, her jokes that she was constantly cracking in her sarcastic wit! Oh, I miss her more than I thought possible! But, at the same time, I have so much peace. My parents (and grandparents for that matter) raised me to know that death is just a natural part of life. As sure as you take your first breath, you will die. Nobody gets out of this world alive, unless you're here when Jesus comes back. I know that my mom loved the Lord with all her heart and had accepted Him as her Savior so many years ago. And the phrase "to be absent from this body, is to be present with the Lord" keeps being brought to my mind. And I know that it's truth! I also know that I will see my mom again - either when I am absent from my body or Jesus comes back. And I know that God says our lives on this Earth are "but a vapor". So if an average life of 70-80 years is but a vapor, if I life another 50 years, I'll see my mom in a few minutes...well actually a few seconds in the grand scheme of eternity!

Oh how I love that we have this blessed assurance! I love that our God is faithful! And that He is just soo good!