So, after I posted the blog last night, I spent quite a while in prayer before going to sleep. A lot of the time was silent prayer on my part, just sitting and soaking in God's presence. I love those times! And I love how He speaks during those times!
While I was feeling oh-so-sorry for myself and filling up with worry, God kept bringing Scripture to my recollection. Such as, "cast all your cares upon the Lord for He cares for you." And "be anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, take your petitions before the Lord" (I may get some of them a little twisted on the wording...but He was reminding me of the promises He's made.) He also reminded me that I cannot love my mother or father more than I love Him. If I do so, I don't deserve to be called His follower. And, He reminded me that HE loves my mother more than I could ever dream of loving her. Not only is she my mom, but she is HIS daughter. He loves her SO much! He is the lover of her soul and it is not His desire to see her suffer or anything. He won't leave her through all of this, He will be right beside her through the storm.
I love when God reveals Himself to me in truths that I've known for a long time, but sometimes I need that gentle reminding!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Thoughts in my head......
So, it's been a rough couple of weeks.
We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.
I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?
I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!
We're waiting for Mom to see the oncologist on Monday for him to order more tests. The radiologist thought he saw a spot on the liver and lung. I'm praying that it's not cancer that has metastasized (because that's not a good thing at all) and that it's just a flub on the film. Mom's been so run-down and tired lately that my brain just automatically heads down the worst-case scenario road.
I used to be such a strong person. I find myself feeling broken lately, though. I cry so easily...the tears just started welling up typing that. lol I pray that God's Will be done over my desires. And that itself scares me at times. What if God's Will is that Mom go home to be with Him soon? How will I manage? There are times that I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about the possibility of not having her here with me. How much worse will it be when I really don't have her here? Who's going to be my cheerleader and encourager? Who's going to be the one person I can call no matter what time it is and hear love for me in their voice? Who can I vent to when I'm having a horrible day? Who can I go to when my heart is broken and I need someone to help me nurse it?
I know that God has promised to be my Provider, my Comforter, my Shelter, my Rock. I know that HE knew me before He placed me in my mother's womb. I know that HE will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that HE loves me more than my mom ever could. I know that I know that I know all of that is true. I know it in my head. But my heart is having so much trouble hearing and believing it right now. I know that I've been blessed. I have 2 wonderful parents who love me more than their own lives. I had wonderful grandparents that were a part of my daily life that I loved like another set of parents. Grandparents that loved me enough to discipline me and send me in the right direction when I needed it, and to give me a popsicle and a soda when I needed that instead. :) I know I'm extremely blessed and fortunate. I have friends who lost a parent when we were in grade school. I have friends who lost their parents in their early 20s. I know that having both of my parents at age 28 means I'm blessed. But I also have friends who are in their 40's that still have great-grandparents living healthily. It's in moments of thinking of them that I feel cheated, forgotten, forsaken. I feel like I'm going to be abandoned.
And then I reflect on my thoughts and my words. I know that there is a difference between "knowing" and "feeling". I know that God's Will is best. I know that He has only the best plans for my mom. And I know that if I truly pray His Will be done, I had better be prepared that He's going to heal her in Heaven rather than on this Earth. And I'd better not have an offended heart if that happens. I know that should He choose that route, it is all for the best according to His Plan. I know that God is not out to cheat me, abandon me, forget me and forsake me. I know that I am God's Child, whom He loves and will not leave. I know that when the time comes that I don't have Mom around, God will either fill that spot Himself or send someone to do His Work. He's so awesome like that! I know that right now while I'm bawling, I'm feeling sorry for what I see in my future and that's pretty stupid. Because I know that tomorrow is not promised to any one of us. I know that Mom could outlive me. I know that Jesus could come back tomorrow. I know that God knew what He was talking about when He said "not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own". I know that there is a difference between what I know and what I feel. Satan can affect my feelings from time to time, but I will not let him affect what I know to be true about my God, because God has written His word on my heart! I feel as though I'm broken and can't go on. But I KNOW that God will see me through, and regardless the outcome, He'll be right there, holding me and loving me! He will continue to be my Provider, Comforter, Shelter, Father, Friend and every other role that I will need throughout my life!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Dancin' to the Oldies!
Daddy worked today (he works 15 hours a week at WalMart). When he and Mom got home, he showed us the purchase he had made while at work. Daddy had bought 2 different CD sets. One was full of songs from the '50s, the other was from the '60s. Now, there are probably some, if not many, my age that wouldn't know many of these songs. But, we actually listened to oldies growing up, so I'm familiar with many.
I decided that we needed to go through the songs on all FIVE CDs to check them out. So, I put 'em on and we all started singing. Mom was in the next room, while Dad was sitting in his chair. I have a short attention span for songs I don't know, so some songs only made it to about 30 seconds. lol I did know a lot of them, though, so I spent an hour going back and forth between rooms - singing, dancing, performing for my parents and having fun! I had a blast (and I'm sure I got a good work out too!) Mom said she wished she had my video camera (precisely why I keep it hidden haha). But, I have to tell you -- I had a blast! I was singing and dancing around with my parents like I used to when I was a little girl. It was like a step back in history - to a time that I was young and my parents were both healthy and fun-loving. They're not overly healthy now and I'm not necessarily young, but we're all still fun-loving people! I'm so thankful that my parents' spirits stay so high! And that my mom's sense of humor is still so strong. At one point during my dancing performance/workout, I began to have difficulty breathing, to which my mother replied "Well, you know we raised you Baptist....that's what you get for dancing, especially on a Sunday!" How hilarious is that?!
While I was dancing and twirling around, singing really poorly off-key, having a great time, something hit me. This is how Jesus wants us to be when we spend time with Him. Like we were when we were little kids! Jumping around, singing songs (even when we don't completely know the tunes or the words) and just having a blast - knowing that no matter how much we mess up those songs, we're still loved! He wants us to live with a child-like faith! Resting in the knowledge that we're God's children and He's our awesome Father! I love when God shows Himself in the small things!
I decided that we needed to go through the songs on all FIVE CDs to check them out. So, I put 'em on and we all started singing. Mom was in the next room, while Dad was sitting in his chair. I have a short attention span for songs I don't know, so some songs only made it to about 30 seconds. lol I did know a lot of them, though, so I spent an hour going back and forth between rooms - singing, dancing, performing for my parents and having fun! I had a blast (and I'm sure I got a good work out too!) Mom said she wished she had my video camera (precisely why I keep it hidden haha). But, I have to tell you -- I had a blast! I was singing and dancing around with my parents like I used to when I was a little girl. It was like a step back in history - to a time that I was young and my parents were both healthy and fun-loving. They're not overly healthy now and I'm not necessarily young, but we're all still fun-loving people! I'm so thankful that my parents' spirits stay so high! And that my mom's sense of humor is still so strong. At one point during my dancing performance/workout, I began to have difficulty breathing, to which my mother replied "Well, you know we raised you Baptist....that's what you get for dancing, especially on a Sunday!" How hilarious is that?!
While I was dancing and twirling around, singing really poorly off-key, having a great time, something hit me. This is how Jesus wants us to be when we spend time with Him. Like we were when we were little kids! Jumping around, singing songs (even when we don't completely know the tunes or the words) and just having a blast - knowing that no matter how much we mess up those songs, we're still loved! He wants us to live with a child-like faith! Resting in the knowledge that we're God's children and He's our awesome Father! I love when God shows Himself in the small things!
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