Jesus Lessons from a Toddler

I haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time with my nephew lately due to busy schedules.  When I do see him, I stretch my arms out as wide as I can reach and say “Aunt Mere loves you THIIIISSSS much!”, or here lately since he’s a little older, I will ask him “How much does Aunt Mere love you?”  And since he was an infant, I have sang him his special made-up song (to the tune of Buffalo Gals) “Ryan is my favorite boy (x3), he’s Aunt Mere’s favorite boy”.   One day this week I picked up my nephew from daycare to take him home.  He was all excited to see Aunt Mere and hugged my neck tightly as I carried him to the car.  As I was buckling him into his car seat, I said “Hey, Ryan, I have a question for you.”  Before I could finish my statement and begin to ask my question, he stretched out his arms & says “TIISS much!” with a big grin on his face!  I told him he was right, I do love him that much!  Then while we were driving down the street, I looked into the rear-view mirror to find Ryan looking at me.  I said “Hey, Ryan, who’s Aunt Mere’s favorite boy?”  He smiled really big into the mirror & said “RYAN!!”

I realized that Ryan, as a 2 ½-year-old, has heard that Aunt Mere loves him “thiiiissss much” so many times that he doesn’t have any need to question it.  And he hasn’t just heard it, I do my best to show him that I love him.  And he’s heard since before he could speak that he is my favorite boy in the whole entire world, so he has no reason to doubt that he’s my favorite.

This is how it is with God.  I can boldly say that I’m His favorite one, His chosen one, His beloved because He’s told me so frequently of His great love for me.  Now, yes, He’s God, so He can have more than one favorite…that’s how God works.  But I’m important to Him.  He tells me this in His Word.  I hear His voice in times of prayer and worship.  He died on the cross for ME!  That’s how important I am to Him, He laid down His life for me!

So, I will take my cue from Ryan.  The next time someone asks me how I know I’m not being presumptuous of God’s love for me, or arrogant for singing that I’m “His favorite one”, I’ll just let them know it’s because He’s told me so many times and showed me in so many ways that I cannot believe anything to the contrary!

Not for the Faint of Heart

The other day, I was told "You have no idea how lucky you are to be single.  Being married is so hard, it's just so tough and so much work!"  Yeah, my first thought in my head was to react with "No, really?!  I would have never guessed that!"  I didn't, though.  I kept my thoughts to myself and just fake-smiled and nodded.  Apparently, that was the wrong response.  This person then proceeded to share with me all of the ways in which I am "lucky". 

Since I'm single, I don't have to worry about looking good all of the time for my husband.  Yeah, because you never want to look good for a potential spouse that you might randomly meet.
I don't have to worry about keeping my house clean.  Yeah, because I love living in total filth when I'm alone.
I don't have to worry about meal planning.  Yep, if I'd just quit eating, I'd probably start to look better, but then again, I don't have to worry about that.  Oops, I already forgot.
I don't have to worry about schedules at all, since I'm the single, care-free gal!  Yeah, us single folks, we never have to be anywhere on time, we can just show up to anything whenever we want.  And those friends of ours who are married and have kids, they don't mind if we show up 3 hours later than the agreed-upon time, because we're single and sure they'll understand.
I am free all of the time to take on any volunteer role in the church with ALL of the free time I have, since I don't have anything else going on. Yes, I may have a little more time available to serve in the church than my married friends.  However, when every ministry has this attitude, I end up being booked at least 5 nights a week, and many times more.

Yes, I'm using sarcasm here, but I'm honestly not trying to be rude.  I'm just being honest regarding the things I've heard and personally been told.  I fully understand that being married is hard.  How could it not be?  Two people who are supposed to live as one.  That's two separate, individual free-wills trying to join together and operate as one.  That has to be hard!  I would not argue that at all.  In fact, that's a part of the reason I'm not married...I understand how difficult that would be, so I have to be extremely 'picky' in whose proposal I accept.

Let me share with you part of the single-at-a-later-age-than-normal life that you might not find so glamorous.  *Disclaimer:  I am not trying to be mean, petty or ugly, I am simply sharing in honesty.
- While I do have independence (freedom as one married friend said), that can come with a cost.  It's easy to forget I have to be totally dependent upon God, when I'm used to depending upon myself.
- EVERY decision that gets made is made by me.  Again, while that may sound like freedom and independence, on a lot of bigger issues, it can be incredibly frightening.  If I'd gotten married at 18 or 21, so few of the major life-changing decisions made in my life would have been made by just me.
- When I'm sick, I have no one who can run to the store to get my medicine or making me soup.  Yes, I'm aware that many spouses don't do that (trust me, I have enough married friends who have shared this with me).  And in regards to a cold or the flu, that's one thing.  But, when it comes to have procedures or surgery done, I'm not only struggling alone with the decision, but also with the fact that I have no way to get home if I'm medicated.  *Example:  Last summer I went to the ER with HORRIBLE pain.  I had a kidney stone - that caused the worst pain of any kidney stone since I was a kid.  The doctor ordered a narcotic injection, but the waiting room was so full that I couldn't stay beyond 30 minutes, even though I couldn't drive for hours.  So what happened you ask?  I took 2 of my own extra-strength Tylenol and drove myself home.  The vomiting finally stopped and the pain subsided in a few days as the stone passed.  But, I'm being honest, it was rough.
- If I want to eat, I am the one who will do the grocery shopping, menu planning and the cooking.  I don't have enough money to eat out, nor do I enjoy eating out that much.  So, yeah, I have to take care of that.  Plus, I grew up cooking for 4-6 people (at the least).  Trying to cook only enough for 1-2 people is a task I haven't mastered yet.
- When you're single at age 32, most of your friends are married.  Heck, most of your former youth group kids are married.  Something magical happens....your now married friends just can't relate to your single person problems anymore.  Most issues being faced as a single person aren't "adult" problems, so they just have trouble understanding why you can't just deal with it.  I can't count how many times, just from my late-twenties until now that I have been told "oh, you'll understand what 'real' problems are when you get married". 
- Another point - being treated like a child.  For some reason, even though I'm going to turn 33 this summer, I'm still too immature and stupid to understand the same problems that somehow the 19-year-olds that got married last summer totally understand.  (Unless this problem is in regards to sex, I fully do NOT understand this logic.)
- I do have more free time in that I don't have to devote time to a husband (or child), but that doesn't mean I never do anything.  Honestly, every week, I am serving or involved in a ministry role at least 3 nights a week, many weeks that is 5 nights.  Yep, if you did the math correctly, that means I don't really have that much free time.
- It can be really lonely being alone so much of the time.  Yes, I know that it's easy to be lonely when you're with someone.  But it's a LOT more easy to be lonely when you're by yourself.  When you just want someone to talk to, whether or not they offer a solution, just someone to share life with.  Which can easily lead to the next issue.
- It's easy to be labeled as the "needy" one or the "complainer", especially in church.  I do turn to God and share with Him.  But sometimes you need a real person before you in physical flesh to share your problems, your heart, your thoughts with.  If it's a problem, I'm going to appear needy when everyone else, or at least most people at your church are married.  I may not even need their help in finding the answer, I may just need someone to listen, as I don't have the built-in sounding board of a spouse.
- The list of "he/she used to be one of my closest friends" becomes longer after every wedding you attend (or are many times in).  It is the way it's supposed to happen, for two lives to become one, those two need to spend lots of time together.  And now there are two families' worth of family obligations.  When the love of the couple produces a child, that's where their attention needs to be.  So, even though everyone says it will never happen, friendships naturally have to take a huge dive on the priority list. 
- Sometimes, at the end of a horrible day, you just want someone to hold you in their arms, tell you that you're not a total failure at everything you've attempted and that you are, indeed, going to make it through this life without having a breakdown.
- If you happen to say "I can see myself being content even if I'm single until I die", you will get looks (from marrieds and singles) that will make you think you have a tail growing - out of your shoulder.  Content - we're told to learn to be content regardless of our circumstances.  Marital status is a circumstance, neither option is the end-all to happiness.  And, God doesn't say to learn to be "happy", His Word says to be "content".

My situation as a single adult is different than many in that I'm living at my childhood home and am my father's caregiver.  So, the decisions I make don't just affect myself, but my dad as well, which can seriously add to the pressure of making the right choices.  And, I have to make EVERY decision, including all of those "adult" ones whether or not I want to make them, by myself. 

I am so thankful that God cannot break His Word, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  That He loves me.  That He loves to hear from me and loves to comfort me.  I'm convinced that being an older single adult is definitely not for the faint of heart.  I know that breakdown would have happened long ago if it weren't for the Lord providing His strength!  And I am forever grateful for His great love!!

Be Still...

Crazy! Hectic! Busy! How many times do we hear these terms describing life? How many times do we use them? "Oh, I wanted to call you, but life's just been so busy lately, I'll try to call when I get more time!" "Ugh, I wish life would just slow down and quit being so hectic. I have no free time!" Yeah, you've heard it, and most likely said it too.

These questions keep sticking in the back of my mind: "Are we really supposed to be this busy all of the time? Did God really intend for our lives to be so chaotic?" There are seasons in our life when circumstances beyond our control dictate our schedule, I'm not discounting that. However, how many times do we really HAVE to be at EVERY activity on our schedule? I look at my own calendar and think "Wow, something's gotta give. There are not enough hours in the day!"

I've noticed that when my own schedule is booked to over-flowing and I over-commit myself, my body and mind usually become run-down. And, when I'm spread too thin, not one of my commitments is really getting all of me - just the part that I can spare.

I definitely believe this flows into our spiritual lives too. How many times do we say "I would love to be able to read my Bible, do a devotion and spend time in prayer every day, but I just don't have enough time"? Do we really have less time than those who have gone before us? We live in an age of convenience and technology. The people in the Bible did not have the technology that we do - they didn't have the scrolls on their phone, IPAD or laptop. And they didn't have commutes in which they could either read the Word on said devices or listen to the Bible or devotion while driving to work. How is it that they could memorize entire books of the Bible, yet we have trouble finding time to read a few verses?

Here's my theory: I think, in large part, our lack of time has to do with our priorities, as well as man's opinion of us. We put too much emphasis on activities that have no real bearing on eternity. And, for those of us involved in the Church, we have a tendency to be over-involved in good works that we may not have even been called to do. I think we've forgotten the words of the Lord in Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

I fear we are a generation who has forgotten how to "be still". We are so used to living in this "microwave, have it in 30 seconds or less" society that we don't know how to "be still" before God. So, we wait for a whole minute, and when we don't hear an answer, we start becoming busy. I also think that when it comes to family and church family, we too often fear what someone will say about us if we're not present for every activity, every party, every event. If my missing a birthday party or one night of group study to have an evening of being still before the Lord is lowering their opinion of me, then they probably don't love me as much as they pretend they do. If they really do love me, they'll want me to be at peace with God above all else.

I know that life is busy, but by over-extending ourselves, we're not just cheating others. I fear we're not just cheating ourselves either, but we're also cheating God. There's a reason He told us to "be still and know that I am God". He desires for us to spend time with Him. He longs for the times when we are simply still before Him, just spending time in His presence.

Now it's time for me to go check my schedule and see where I can make more time for being "still" and less for the "busyness" that God didn't intend for me anyway!

Cakes, cakes & more cakes...

I've been thinking about making cakes, possibly to sell. Don't know if it'll ever happen, but it got me looking over ones I've made in the past. Maybe one day....

Anthony's Star Wars cake!

Just a fun cake

Fall Cake - I loved this one!

Two cakes for Mamma's 59th birthday!

4th of July celebration

A birthday cake for Mom's 58th!


More Cake that I've made this year....

Chelle's 30th birthday cake

Dad's birthday cake

My nephew's 2nd birthday cake!

 A White Sox cake

Allis-Chalmer's cake

My birthday cake!

Thanksgiving!

Well, it's officially Thanksgiving 2011. The turkey has been baked & meat pulled off the bird. The noodles have been made (about 4 times extra). And I even have some homemade Christmas ornaments in the oven baking. I got everything for my tomorrow morning "to do" list finished, except for peeling the potatos. And Daddy has graciously said he'd do that for me! :) I'm trying not to be too pleased with myself, but I managed to get all of that finished after baby-sitting Ryan all day, and while taking meds for a nasty UTI and some kidney problems.

This year for Thanksgiving, Daddy & I will be at home, just the two of us. We were invited to be with family, but since I'm not feeling so great, we're going to hang out at home. I was worried that this would be hard for Daddy. But he seems to be quite OK with the arrangement.

I am so thankful for the peace and joy God gives us!

What if I'm wrong....

The longer I'm alive, the more I'm aware of how much I know and keenly aware of how much I don't know. Especially when it comes to theology, religions, etc. I long ago discovered that those within the Christian faith have many different beliefs and ideas. Even with those differences, most of them fall into the category of believing that there is 1 God. He is exists in the beauty of the Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Spirit...three parts in perfect unity. Most believe that God (the Father) sent Jesus (the Son) who died on the cross so that we may be forgiven of our sins. And once we've confessed our sins and proclaimed Jesus as Lord of our life, the Holy Spirit dwells within us for the remainder of our time on this earth. How this knowledge is applied to our every day life and how it affects us begins to break up the different denominations within the Christian faith.


In the past few years, I've realized I have more friends that are atheist or agnostic than ever before. I read the emails, comments and links provided by my friends. And at times, I get to thinking...what if I'm the one who's got it all wrong? What if there is no God? What if there is no life after this?

So, what if I'm wrong? If my friends are right, and there is no life after this present one, when I die, my body will be buried (or cremated) and nothing more will happen. That's it...I'm just dead. Game over. The sacrifices I've made to live a "Godly" life mean nothing because there's no eternity. The tough times I've gone through in this life were many times in vain because how I reacted and dealt with the realities in my life didn't really matter. Trying to maintain love and joy during difficult times was really stupidity on my part. Yes, I should still try to be a good person, as society dictates, but there was no real reason for me to not be bitter, angry, full of hate. When my mom suffered through almost 3 years of cancer treatments and then died, I may as well have just been angry. When I remain single because I'm waiting for the best guy for me instead of settling, I should really just settle and then be filled with hatred. When I don't understand the circumstances of my life, I might as well choose to react out of bitterness because, after all, this was not how I thought my life would be!

But wait. If I'm angry my mom died, filled with hate over being single and bitter because of circumstances, WHAT am I angry with? WHO am I hating and bitter toward? This part confuses me. Am I mad at other people? Do I hate "the universe" because all of the cells that conglomerated in the Big Bang and evolved into humanity as we know it had apparently plotted against me? If I didn't believe there's a higher power anywhere, upon whom do I take out all of that rage and anger?

For argument's sake, though, let's say that I'm not wrong. Let's say that there is a God. He's in control and things in life don't happen for no reason. Let's say that He has a reason for the way that things go. Yes, bad things do happen...and even to His people who strive to live a life for Him. Sometimes, it seems especially to those who live for Him. What if the Bible is true? What if bad things happen because we live in a world that sin entered? What if He really did send His Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for every individual's sins? What if He allows trials and tests to take place so that, as the Bible says, will draw near to Him, will learn to trust Him?

What if I'm not wrong and when these bodies die, it isn't really over? What if there really is a Heaven and Hell? What if He really meant it when He said in the Bible that there's no way to Heaven except by asking forgiveness and making Him the lord of our lives? What if, when this body dies, He really is the Judge, that He says He will be, and if you don't make Him lord of your life, believe in Him and live a life for Him, He really will send your soul to Hell for all eternity?

Those are some pretty big "what if's". And I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to be on the wrong side of this one! If I'm the one who's wrong and there's really no God (I guess I made Him up), then what harm has been done? I've lived a good, clean life and die contentedly....and my body rots and that's it. But what if you're wrong? When you die, if you haven't accepted Him, you'll pay for it for all eternity in Hell.

The good news? If you're still breathing, it's not too late to confess you've sinned against Him, ask His forgiveness, turn away from your sins (with His help of course) and make Jesus the Lord of your life!!

Animals more important than children?!

As a disclaimer, I would like to state that I do not hate animals. I, or my family, have owned at least 1 dog every year of my life..sometimes 4. We also had rabbits in the barn, some of which were made into house pets. I'm not a huge cat fan as I am horridly allergic to them (and they just aren't as lovable as dogs). But I do not hate animals.

Having said that, I'm definitely not going to be on PETA's list of people to recruit as a spokesperson. I mean, I'm not overly fond of killing an animal simply for its fur or skin. However, I'm most definitely a carnivore, so I'm aware that for my daily diet, some animals have been killed. And that thought doesn't keep me awake at night. In fact, with an ambien, I manage to sleep quite well. :)

What does keep me awake at night? When I think of all of the children, in our country and around the globe, who have no parents, no home, nobody that loves or wants them...this is something that can keep me awake and in prayer at night. Children who are severely abused and neglected, yet no one cares enough to be bold & call to report the family. I grew up in a poor household with a disabled father. Times got hard and money was tight. But I NEVER went without shelter, food and clothing. And I ALWAYS knew the love of my parents (and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, church family, etc). I can never imagine what it would have been like if my parents had not fed me, nor what it would do to me if my parents had beaten me on a regular basis. I cannot imagine what these little ones go through who have to live on the streets. Who have to beg for, or even steal, their food. Who don't know if they'll make it through the night without being raped or kidnapped & sold into the sex slave trade. As I type those things, my heart hurts SO much, and honestly, my stomach feels sick.

OK, so I have a heart for orphans & basically all children...why am I writing this? Well, it's because of the spot that children have in my heart, that I get so beyond irritated with our society. At least once an hour, regardless of what channel I'm watching, I hear a Sarah McLachlin song come on a commercial and the famous Hollywood celebrity tells me that the abuses these animals face are horrible. And I should send money to keep animals from being abused or homeless.

Why does that irritate me? Well, for one, it could be that other than maybe in April (which is child abuse awareness month), I never see people saying that we should send money for kid in foster care or that are orphaned. Or, it could be because the same people who are spokespersons on those types of commercials are also HUGE supporters of abortion. To me, when a society points out the "inhumane treatment" of animals, yet they fight tooth & nail for the rights to KILL unborn CHILDREN, it sends the message that animals are more important that our children.

I mean, really, what kind of message does that send to our children, our future and our present? "Well, you're lucky you were born, because abortion is legal and we thought about it. Don't get us wrong, we're good people. We send money to animals shelters all of the time to help those poor innocent animals, but we just weren't for sure we had enough money to have you, so we had to consider killing you because you might not have a good life." Wow...that would make me feel so loved by my parents, wouldn't it you?!

Heartbroken...

Tonight while I was checking Facebook & twitter before getting ready for bed, the TV was on in my room. I don't know what channel it was on...but all of the sudden my heart was gripped by what I was hearing.

I watched a clip about a family in Guatemala whose son & daughter needed hearing aids. Someone had bought them hearing aids a while back, but they only had enough batteries for a month...and couldn't afford (or get to) new batteries. They looked to be teenagers, yet the girl had only successfully passed 1st grade and the boy hadn't even completed that much, because they couldn't hear. The parents talked of how it broke their hearts, but to get a bus ticket to the city where they could buy 2 batteries would cost an entire month's salary for them. So the kids worked hard, but in silence. This organization went down, took them to a hearing specialist, bought them new hearing aids & 10-year supply of batteries!

When I hear stories like this, tears are in my eyes and my heart aches. And then I remember different times I would be walking down my own street in Guangzhou, China, and see children begging...sometimes missing limbs, blind or looking emaciated. There were more times than I can remember that I emptied my wallet and cried because I didn't have more to give them. These are the moments I wish God had called me into a high-paying field and blessed me with a full-time job. (Mission work and worship leading isn't really for those seeking to get rich quick! ha!)

And then I stop to realize that sometimes I've been able to callous my heart in those moments...justifying that my money is from God & He wants to bless me for serving Him...and someone else will just have to provide for those people. I'm not saying that God doesn't want those who do His work to have nice things, don't get me wrong. But, I have to be careful to remember He entrusted me with that money, He didn't give it to me. And the nice things, He entrusted me with those too. They're really His, not mine.

When I keep the mindset that all money & things are really God's that He's lending to me, it makes it so much easier to give to "the least of these" among us. My prayer is that He keeps reminding me, and I keep my spirit open to hear those soft whispers & feel the gentle nudges to help others with whatever I have to give.

Even if I don't have money or material items to give, I always have Jesus to share with them...and, honestly, He's what we all need!

June 12th, My Momma, Carol & Heaven's gain

Well, it's June 12th. A date more commonly known at our house as "Momma's birthday". Sometimes it's hard to believe this is the second June 12th that she's not here with us. Other times, well, some days it seems like it's been soo long since I've seen her, given her a hug or heard her voice. My pastor told me once (regarding a different issue) that "time callouses all wounds". I think it's true, though. I mean, some hurts I don't know that we "heal" from, we don't necessarily "get over" them, but God helps us to make a new "normal" for ourselves. And, over time, those stings that we feel in this life just sting a little bit less.

I'm not saying I don't miss my momma. Don't get me wrong. I miss her a lot. But, I was blessed with parents and grandparents that were such good teachers, and they taught us that death is a natural part of life. And as sure as you're born, you will die. It happens. And for those of us still living, life has to go on. We can't just curl up in a ball and quit life, we have to keep going. And I know my mom wouldn't want me to crawl into a corner and quit. She told me as much herself! She also told me that she might be selfish, but she was secretly a little glad to know that I'd cry tears after she was gone. She wasn't glad she'd be leaving us, nor that we'd miss her so much & our hearts would hurt, but she was being honest. And honestly, who doesn't want to know that they're deeply missed because they were deeply loved?!

In other news tonight, I got a message a few hours ago that my friend Carol, who also battled ovarian cancer, finished her fight Saturday evening. I only knew her for 10 months, but in those 10 months, she became such a good friend. And a family member, as she's part of God's family! I will miss her too!

I have to be honest and say that I am grateful that both Momma & Carol are not suffering from their horrid disease any longer! And I'm jealous of them both - that they're in the presence of God right now!

I've studied the Bible my whole life. And after my grandparents died, I started studying what it says about Heaven a little closer. And when Mom got sick, I started studying even harder. Today....I still don't understand how things work in Heaven. I think I understand that we will know people from this life, and we will continue to meet new people. I don't think people in Heaven can see us down here as I don't know how that works with the "no tears" policy Heaven has. I fear that my loved ones there would be sad when they witness me screwing up and sinning yet again. I could be wrong...but that's my current conclusion. :)

I really do believe that we'll continue to make new friends, though. And I can almost see my mom and Carol meeting. They'll be able to share their victory stories of having won their battles with ovarian cancer. Yes, they did die and leave their Earthly bodies...but the beauty in that, they're completely healed now! No more cancer! God wins! And for that fact, I wouldn't wish for either of them to come back. As my pastor said at Mom's funeral "we wouldn't wish for her to come back from Heaven, because even if she had a perfectly healthy body, she would still have to die again one day".

So, yeah, I miss my momma. And I already miss my friend. But, it makes that song I grew up singing in church "Heaven's getting sweeter every day" seem all the more true. The more years I live on this Earth, the more treasures I have in Heaven!

For those of you who never knew my Mom...here's a pic of her on her 58th birthday!

Mawwiage...

What am I looking for in a husband? Being 31 and single for all of those 31 years, this is a question I've pondered before. However, the past few years of my life have been filled with such craziness that the thought of a husband entering the picture, well, it wasn't really much of a thought. For the year I was in China, it was a contractual issue that there would be no dating. Upon returning to the States, I moved to Florida for a few months and then came back to Illinois. Not staying in any one place longer than a few months didn't seem to lead to any lasting relationships. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer and the following 3 years were spent desiring time to sleep...forget hoping/praying for a man, I was excited at the prospect of sleeping for more than 4 consecutive hours! Since Mom's been gone, I'm still with my dad full-time, but there's only one parent now, and I've gotten some rest and had time to think.

Last week, a friend told me that she's praying for me...for many things, but one of the specifics is for the husband that God has for me. So this took my thoughts where they hadn't really been in a while. Marriage. And that lead to me doing what I think I do best...asking questions!!

Do I feel that marriage is a desire God's laid upon my heart or something I feel I'm suppose to desire because society says it's good? Could I live contentedly as a single person until I die or Jesus comes back, if that's what God asks of me? If marriage is in His plan for my life, what exactly am I looking for? What are the qualities in a man that are non-negotiable and what are those that are just preferences?

Honestly, over the years, I've learned that I am a fairly girly-girl....well I have my moments at least. But for being as girly as I am, I am quite possibly the least romantic girly-girl in history! Don't get me wrong, I love romantic gestures...flowers, love notes, etc. What I mean is that I cringe when I hear lines in a movie such as Jerry McGuire "You complete me." Uh, no. I don't think that's how it is supposed to work. God says that He is enough for me, His grace is sufficient...I think that kinda means I'm already complete as long as I have Him. He created Adam & said that it wasn't good for man to be alone, so He created Eve as Adam's helpmeet. They were made to compliment one another, not complete each other. He said "two shall be one", not two halves will become one. And I don't buy into the notion of "falling in love". If that were true, you could just as easily "fall out of love". Love is a decision, it is a choice that we make. And I am old enough & have enough married friends to know, some days that choice is harder to make than others. But it's still a choice, not an emotion.

I know that marriage is a desire of my heart, but what I'm trying to figure out is whether I put it there or if God placed that desire there. I do know that my heart's desire is also to adopt. And as much as I've prayed, I do not feel led to adopt without being married. So if adoption is to happen, He will send the right man into my life.

So what am I looking for in a husband? My list is pretty different now than when I was, say, 15. haha I no longer desire the perfect man that is just the right mix of rugged manliness, yet has a great sense of fashion; has the best sense of humor in the world, yet can be serious the moment I need him to be; has to be strong and masculine, yet be able to show his more vulnerable side at a moment's notice. I've come to realize I will never meet a perfect man other than Jesus. And that's a good thing, because I would hate the thought that God would pair me with a perfect man - I know exactly how horribly flawed I am!!

Non-negotiables, though, include a man whose heart has completely been given to the Lord. A man that seeks the Lord before making decisions, and seeks Godly counsel. A man whose prayer life is the strongest part of him. A man that realizes and accepts no matter how hard I may try, I will never be perfect towards him. But he also knows that my heart's desire is to be pleasing unto the Lord; that we would spur one another on in our relationship with the Lord. I want a marriage that would be a partnership of serving the Lord faithfully. A man that is spiritually mature, so that I would have no qualms about placing him in a place of spiritual authority over me, as he would become the spiritual head of our household. A man who knows how to be a man, who knows how to lead people to God. I know that he will not be all of these things all of the time, because he will be human (unless there's a real life Superman out there! haha), but this man...his heart would strive to be these things at all times! I would also love to have someone that is just there for me, to give me a hug, hold me when I cry, scratch that spot in the middle of my back that I can never quite reach!! ha

I don't care so much what he looks like, though I gotta admit that I'm a sucker for curly hair. He doesn't have to sing or play an instrument, though those make me swoon! ha He doesn't have to have a wonderful job with great pay. He doesn't have to be in full-time ministry. He doesn't have to have the world's most perfect smile, although perfectly straight teeth would definitely have been a selling point for my mama!! He just has to have a heart that smiles with the love of the Lord. He doesn't have to have the darkest of brown eyes or the deepest of blue. He just has to have eyes that are full of the love of the Lord.

I know that if God does have marriage in store for me, He is all-knowing. So God knows exactly what characteristics this man and I possess, the qualities that would cause us to strive for a relationship that encourages us both towards the Lord. One that would cause us both to desire to love each other and other people even more with the love of the Lord than we have in the past!

And the crazy ride that I've had in walking with the Lord has shown me that if I am to never marry, I can be content. He has proven more times than I can count that He is more than enough for me. And He will always provide my needs.