Over the past decade or so, I've seen a shift in our nation. Maybe it was already beginning and I just didn't notice it until I was 20. I think I started to really notice this shift when I was an undergraduate student working toward my Bachelor of Social Work degree. In Social Work, the phrase " stop blaming the victim" comes up quite frequently. And if it's used toward you, it's a bad thing! I was accused many times by professors and/or classmates of blaming the victim.
Now, mind you, I never blamed a person that was abused, or children that were neglected. I do not buy into "she was asking for it" when referring to a rape victim. I'm not cruel and heartless, I promise! When this phrase would be slapped onto my homework, usually it was a case of someone who had a lot of issues, yet someone else was always to blame. My theory in most of my papers & mock counseling sessions "take responsibility for your actions, quit blaming everyone else and move on". Now, I do realize there are some things that you really have to work through. I'm not at all saying you can just decide that you'll have no more issues today and "poof" they're all gone. No, that would be called "denial". (Or in some cases, God's instantaneous healing.) At some point, you have to say "I have no power to change the past, it is what it is, but I can choose to move forward today." And I do stand by my belief that in this nation, almost everyone is seen as a victim of something, therefore no one has to take the blame.
I see this happening in schools. Every year that I substitute teach, I notice the trend to worsen. I've been told by parents that it is NOT their child's fault that they didn't study for their tests...it's the TEACHER's fault for assigning too much work. The children hear their parents say this, and voila! we have a whole generation of people that are not responsible for their actions.
Just in recent events, the shooting in Arizona on Saturday is a prime example. According to some reports, this obviously unstable gunman in AZ shot these people because of political rhetoric from one or both sides. Really? Why can't we just say that it's the individual's fault for pulling the trigger & he's the one that should be held responsible for his actions? Maybe he had a bad home life. It's possible. Ya know what? Lots of people have bad childhoods, yet they don't shoot 19 people in a grocery store parking lot, killing 6 of them! Maybe he heard something on the news that set him off. But again, he didn't hear anything that thousands and/or millions others didn't hear, yet he was the only one shooting.
I think I've realized why it disheartens me so much when I see all of these adults taking a victim mentality & constantly finding someone else to blame. I think it's because each and every person is going to have to stand before God one day for judgment. And I know that He will not accept "well, You don't understand what happened to me, You don't know how they bullied me on the playground, etc, etc." I fear that many people will hear that they're not allowed to enter into eternity with God because they've never been taught nor taken responsibility for their own actions or deeds. Eventually the blame-game will end...I'm just saddened in how I think it will end in eternity away from God for many.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hearing a call...
Just yesterday, I found myself in 2 different conversations regarding my 4-month stint with the New Life Drama Company. So, I started reminiscing. That means the good, the bad & the ugly comes to mind! My time with NLDC was quite the ride! Just getting there was a huge part of the ride!
In July of 2002, we had a NLDC team at church camp. This was probably the 2nd or 3rd time I'd seen various teams and I loved what they did! I loved their skits during devotions & services. And I truly appreciated that they served. They served the campers, but they also served the staff. It was common to see at least 2 of the 7 team members serving food in the cafeteria. They were sweeping floors in the dorms, cleaning bathrooms in the chapel, just finding little ways to serve us. And most of the time, it was without being asked to do so! At this time, I was working at the Clay County Counseling Center as a Social Worker at a job that I actually enjoyed. I worked with an adult program working with those in a residential home - teaching adult living skills. I also took Crisis Call, in which I counseled (and sometimes hospitalized) suicidal and/or homicidal people. It sounds crazy, but I really did like the job.
And liking the job as much as I did is what made what I heard that week at church camp even more weird. I remember sharing with my mom and a few close friends "I think I'm supposed to join NLDC...just for one tour, but I think I'm supposed to". Now, mind you, I had never done ANY acting...none at all! I wasn't even in school musicals because of my work study job. I had sang in front of people and spoke in front of people, but NEVER acted! So, feeling God calling me to this was really strange! And since it was so strange, the week after church camp ended...I calloused my heart toward the tug at my heart and tried to forget about it. Plus my mom had been having weird allergic reactions...and we didn't know to what. But in the 2 months prior to that week of camp, the hospital (where she worked) had called me 4 times that I needed to get there because she'd had a reaction and they were getting ready to intubate. Fortunately, they didn't have to, but once we had to call the ambulance to have her taken to ER and she had since had to carry AND use an epi pen. My dad couldn't drive and my sister was in college and working full time. So I was scared to leave my mom...what if she needed me during that time. What if she had a reaction and died because I wasn't there to call the ambulance. This all made it a little easier to ignore the tugging at my heart.
The next month, the counseling center was overtaken by a different agency. This new agency was one that I could not work under with a clear conscience. So I planned to not ask for re-hire through them and draw unemployment for a few months while job searching again. I also applied for my Substitute Teacher certification. The 3rd week of August, I was called to sub, and thus began a huge part of my life...but that's a different story! The last day of August, I felt that tug about NLDC so strongly that I couldn't really deny it. So I spoke to my parents and my pastor, called the NLDC office and began the application process. I sent my paperwork in the first week of September and waited and waited. I called the office and they said they'd lost my pastor's recommendation, but other than that, I was probably in. So on Wednesday, Sept 11, my pastor got the phone call & when I stopped by his house, he said "yeah, you're most likely in"! On Thursday, Sept 12, I got a phone call from NLDC Homebase. I was accepted & expected to report to Cleveland, TN on Sunday. That Sunday -- September 15th! AGH!! Talk about short notice!!
So I began choosing clothes "bring all seasons of clothing because you don't know which region of the nation you'll be assigned to" that fit into ONE medium suitcase. Yeah, one suitcase for 4 months! I had to raise mission support, so the Friday I sent out letters to every church and basically every Christian I knew! I had enough money in my checking account to pay the initial joining fee, but that was about it. And though the drama co paid for food and transportation, I still needed money for essentials (soap, shampoo, sodas @ gas stations, etc.) On Sunday morning, I shared with my church that I would be leaving that afternoon and be back for Christmas. I came home, had lunch with my parents and sister, and then I got into my car & drove to Cleveland, TN.
I listened to worship music the whole time (that I wasn't talking to my mom on my cell phone haha). I remember thinking..."I know NOTHING about acting! Maybe they'll let me be the person that runs the music for different skits. Maybe I'll be on a team that's big enough that I won't have to be in many skits! I have NO idea what I'm getting into!"
I was in my car, following a dream that God had recently put into my heart that I really did not understand. All that I did understand was this: God was calling me, and I had NO peace until I followed. And though I was nervous, scared and anxious for that whole trip, I still had the peace of God in my heart....and I knew that was all I needed.
In July of 2002, we had a NLDC team at church camp. This was probably the 2nd or 3rd time I'd seen various teams and I loved what they did! I loved their skits during devotions & services. And I truly appreciated that they served. They served the campers, but they also served the staff. It was common to see at least 2 of the 7 team members serving food in the cafeteria. They were sweeping floors in the dorms, cleaning bathrooms in the chapel, just finding little ways to serve us. And most of the time, it was without being asked to do so! At this time, I was working at the Clay County Counseling Center as a Social Worker at a job that I actually enjoyed. I worked with an adult program working with those in a residential home - teaching adult living skills. I also took Crisis Call, in which I counseled (and sometimes hospitalized) suicidal and/or homicidal people. It sounds crazy, but I really did like the job.
And liking the job as much as I did is what made what I heard that week at church camp even more weird. I remember sharing with my mom and a few close friends "I think I'm supposed to join NLDC...just for one tour, but I think I'm supposed to". Now, mind you, I had never done ANY acting...none at all! I wasn't even in school musicals because of my work study job. I had sang in front of people and spoke in front of people, but NEVER acted! So, feeling God calling me to this was really strange! And since it was so strange, the week after church camp ended...I calloused my heart toward the tug at my heart and tried to forget about it. Plus my mom had been having weird allergic reactions...and we didn't know to what. But in the 2 months prior to that week of camp, the hospital (where she worked) had called me 4 times that I needed to get there because she'd had a reaction and they were getting ready to intubate. Fortunately, they didn't have to, but once we had to call the ambulance to have her taken to ER and she had since had to carry AND use an epi pen. My dad couldn't drive and my sister was in college and working full time. So I was scared to leave my mom...what if she needed me during that time. What if she had a reaction and died because I wasn't there to call the ambulance. This all made it a little easier to ignore the tugging at my heart.
The next month, the counseling center was overtaken by a different agency. This new agency was one that I could not work under with a clear conscience. So I planned to not ask for re-hire through them and draw unemployment for a few months while job searching again. I also applied for my Substitute Teacher certification. The 3rd week of August, I was called to sub, and thus began a huge part of my life...but that's a different story! The last day of August, I felt that tug about NLDC so strongly that I couldn't really deny it. So I spoke to my parents and my pastor, called the NLDC office and began the application process. I sent my paperwork in the first week of September and waited and waited. I called the office and they said they'd lost my pastor's recommendation, but other than that, I was probably in. So on Wednesday, Sept 11, my pastor got the phone call & when I stopped by his house, he said "yeah, you're most likely in"! On Thursday, Sept 12, I got a phone call from NLDC Homebase. I was accepted & expected to report to Cleveland, TN on Sunday. That Sunday -- September 15th! AGH!! Talk about short notice!!
So I began choosing clothes "bring all seasons of clothing because you don't know which region of the nation you'll be assigned to" that fit into ONE medium suitcase. Yeah, one suitcase for 4 months! I had to raise mission support, so the Friday I sent out letters to every church and basically every Christian I knew! I had enough money in my checking account to pay the initial joining fee, but that was about it. And though the drama co paid for food and transportation, I still needed money for essentials (soap, shampoo, sodas @ gas stations, etc.) On Sunday morning, I shared with my church that I would be leaving that afternoon and be back for Christmas. I came home, had lunch with my parents and sister, and then I got into my car & drove to Cleveland, TN.
I listened to worship music the whole time (that I wasn't talking to my mom on my cell phone haha). I remember thinking..."I know NOTHING about acting! Maybe they'll let me be the person that runs the music for different skits. Maybe I'll be on a team that's big enough that I won't have to be in many skits! I have NO idea what I'm getting into!"
I was in my car, following a dream that God had recently put into my heart that I really did not understand. All that I did understand was this: God was calling me, and I had NO peace until I followed. And though I was nervous, scared and anxious for that whole trip, I still had the peace of God in my heart....and I knew that was all I needed.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Whew! Another holiday season is over...
The holiday season has now passed! Whew! It's almost as though I'm hearing a collective sigh throughout the region! haha I know that I'm not alone when I say that this holiday season seemed to be the longest, most exhausting. I've had well-meaning people tell me that it's because Mom wasn't here, but that's honestly not it. I can't pinpoint it, but other people have shared this comment...and they haven't lost loved ones. It was just a long and stressful season.
I'm pretty sure I know what the problem was for me. I fell back into trying to please people. I found myself more than once (or twice or 20 times) thinking "will this make so & so happy? will he/she be angry if I don't do this? I hope I don't disappoint anybody!" Ahh, there's the root of it! People-pleasing is all about not wanting to disappoint others. And while I'm not advocating that we purposefully disappoint people...I know that I need to remember that there's only One whose opinion and approval of me counts! I think that's why the season was so long for me...I forgot to ask Jesus what would make Him pleased with me. I genuinely love people and want to see them happy, but I let my priorities get out of whack!
Now I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. They are almost always goals that are way too stinkin' high and unattainable. And that's what makes us become discouraged so quickly that we just give up rather than keep trying. So I'm not planning any resolutions for New Year's. I am, though, working to re-train my focus again.
I need for my focus to not be on myself or even others during this season. I feel that this is a season in which God is really calling me unto Himself. No, this doesn't mean I can quit taking care of my dad or stop talking to people altogether. What it does mean, though, is that I need to work on my priorities. If He's not my #1 priority, nothing else will be right. He has to be the foundation. Anything that's built on an unstable or cracked foundation will surely be destroyed. So no matter how many wonderful things I may do - even in His name, will crumble if He's not the foundation. So that's what I'm striving for...to put God first and foremost in a way I've not done yet. Not so much a New Year's resolution, but a daily (and sometimes momentary) resolution. And really, when I remember how much He loves me, how much He desires to spend time with me, to impart to me what He's feeling and what He's thinking....it makes it so much easier to remember to spend time with Him!
I'm pretty sure I know what the problem was for me. I fell back into trying to please people. I found myself more than once (or twice or 20 times) thinking "will this make so & so happy? will he/she be angry if I don't do this? I hope I don't disappoint anybody!" Ahh, there's the root of it! People-pleasing is all about not wanting to disappoint others. And while I'm not advocating that we purposefully disappoint people...I know that I need to remember that there's only One whose opinion and approval of me counts! I think that's why the season was so long for me...I forgot to ask Jesus what would make Him pleased with me. I genuinely love people and want to see them happy, but I let my priorities get out of whack!
Now I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. They are almost always goals that are way too stinkin' high and unattainable. And that's what makes us become discouraged so quickly that we just give up rather than keep trying. So I'm not planning any resolutions for New Year's. I am, though, working to re-train my focus again.
I need for my focus to not be on myself or even others during this season. I feel that this is a season in which God is really calling me unto Himself. No, this doesn't mean I can quit taking care of my dad or stop talking to people altogether. What it does mean, though, is that I need to work on my priorities. If He's not my #1 priority, nothing else will be right. He has to be the foundation. Anything that's built on an unstable or cracked foundation will surely be destroyed. So no matter how many wonderful things I may do - even in His name, will crumble if He's not the foundation. So that's what I'm striving for...to put God first and foremost in a way I've not done yet. Not so much a New Year's resolution, but a daily (and sometimes momentary) resolution. And really, when I remember how much He loves me, how much He desires to spend time with me, to impart to me what He's feeling and what He's thinking....it makes it so much easier to remember to spend time with Him!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
My New Friend, Carol
So, the night before my birthday, I was a bit down. I was missing my mama a lot. Of all the previous birthdays I'd had, I had never spent one not with her. So yeah, I was missing her.
It was a Saturday night, which meant I was just leaving worship & prayer at the River of Life (my church body in Cisne). Another lady & I were getting ready to go to our cars when we heard someone yell "Hey, River of Life people, would one of you come over here?" Since Tina's daughter was having a sleepover & she had both little gals with her, I told her to go on home & I'd go over to speak with the lady. She asked if our church was affiliated with IHOP-KC (which we're not, but a lot of us go there often & stay plugged in), so this started a new friendship for me!
She told me that since she lived across the street from our meeting place, she'd been meaning to attend, but just hadn't felt like it. Then she asked if we would put her on our prayer list because of her cancer. I told her if she'd tell me how to open the gate, I'd do one better & pray with her right then. So I went up to where she was sitting on her front porch to go pray with her. I had this feeling within me, but I asked anyway "What kind of cancer do you have that we are praying against?" She answered "stage 4 ovarian cancer".
I already knew it just from looking at her, and the feeling within my spirit. And she confirmed it with that answer. I had a moment - it was really only a second or two - that felt like an eternity. The thoughts were racing through my mind "Really, God? You send me to this stranger's house to pray for her healing of ovarian cancer? Really? After we prayed for almost 3 years for my mom (the SAME cancer) and she didn't get healed on Earth? Really, God? Is this a joke?" All of that was within one second. The next thing I knew, I heard God answering "Yes, really. Your job is to pray and believe that I'm God and I'm going to complete My will. I'm not asking you to heal her, just pray for her. And remember that whatever the outcome, I'm with You just as I always have been". That's a lot of stuff, but it really did happen within a blink or two of the eye.
So, she sent me into her house to get oil, I anointed her head & we prayed. We prayed and prayed. God just came over the both of us as I laid hands upon her head and belly. God was SOO there in the midst! His presence was so strong! The Holy Spirit gave both of us such a sweet peace. So, after we prayed, she asked me to sit down and chat with her. I didn't have anywhere to be since it was 9:30 on a Saturday night, so I did. We talked & talked - basically sharing each other's life stories! She asked why I seemed so familiar with ovarian cancer, so I told her about my mom. I felt kinda bad, like "yeah, we prayed for my mom too and she's dead now, but I'm gonna keep praying for you too". That's the awesome thing that God reminded me, though. He doesn't ask me to go around healing people. He asks me to pray for them. Healing is His job, which He pours out as He sees fit. As Misty Edwards said "At the end of the day, some people get healed, some people don't. God is sovereign and gets to choose, we just have to deal with it."
Carol & I sat there talking on her front porch until 12:30AM - meaning it was my birthday! We are such kindred spirits. Just our experiences in life, the way the Lord has shown Himself to us, the paths He's taken us on. We were instant friends. She's a little older than my mom. And as I got into my car to drive home, I realized it was my birthday....and that meeting Carol was a gift God had given me. I still missed my mama, but the ache wasn't so strong. God had reminded me that He never leaves us nor forsakes us...He is our Provider. And, He's a good, good God who loves to bless His children!
Over the past couple of months, Carol's cancer came out of remission. So she's back to doing chemo and such. I just talked to her this afternoon and, bless her heart, she's so weak, so can only talk on the phone for a few minutes. Her lungs keep filling up with fluid (ovarian cancer cells produces ascites - fluid). She's going Monday to have a chest tube put in to drain the fluid on the lung. She also said they're bringing in a hospital bed to help her with getting up and down, and she's not allowed to stay by herself because she's so weak and short of breath.
Please pray for Carol. She reminds me of my mama in that she has such a strong faith in the Lord. She knows - and is at peace with knowing - that at any moment, God could choose to heal her body, or take her home, whichever is within His plan. I will continue to pray for her until God heals her, because that's what He's asked of me. The way He chooses to heal her is up to Him, but I know what my job is. Please pray with me for, not only her healing, but for strength, comfort and peace. Thanks!!
It was a Saturday night, which meant I was just leaving worship & prayer at the River of Life (my church body in Cisne). Another lady & I were getting ready to go to our cars when we heard someone yell "Hey, River of Life people, would one of you come over here?" Since Tina's daughter was having a sleepover & she had both little gals with her, I told her to go on home & I'd go over to speak with the lady. She asked if our church was affiliated with IHOP-KC (which we're not, but a lot of us go there often & stay plugged in), so this started a new friendship for me!
She told me that since she lived across the street from our meeting place, she'd been meaning to attend, but just hadn't felt like it. Then she asked if we would put her on our prayer list because of her cancer. I told her if she'd tell me how to open the gate, I'd do one better & pray with her right then. So I went up to where she was sitting on her front porch to go pray with her. I had this feeling within me, but I asked anyway "What kind of cancer do you have that we are praying against?" She answered "stage 4 ovarian cancer".
I already knew it just from looking at her, and the feeling within my spirit. And she confirmed it with that answer. I had a moment - it was really only a second or two - that felt like an eternity. The thoughts were racing through my mind "Really, God? You send me to this stranger's house to pray for her healing of ovarian cancer? Really? After we prayed for almost 3 years for my mom (the SAME cancer) and she didn't get healed on Earth? Really, God? Is this a joke?" All of that was within one second. The next thing I knew, I heard God answering "Yes, really. Your job is to pray and believe that I'm God and I'm going to complete My will. I'm not asking you to heal her, just pray for her. And remember that whatever the outcome, I'm with You just as I always have been". That's a lot of stuff, but it really did happen within a blink or two of the eye.
So, she sent me into her house to get oil, I anointed her head & we prayed. We prayed and prayed. God just came over the both of us as I laid hands upon her head and belly. God was SOO there in the midst! His presence was so strong! The Holy Spirit gave both of us such a sweet peace. So, after we prayed, she asked me to sit down and chat with her. I didn't have anywhere to be since it was 9:30 on a Saturday night, so I did. We talked & talked - basically sharing each other's life stories! She asked why I seemed so familiar with ovarian cancer, so I told her about my mom. I felt kinda bad, like "yeah, we prayed for my mom too and she's dead now, but I'm gonna keep praying for you too". That's the awesome thing that God reminded me, though. He doesn't ask me to go around healing people. He asks me to pray for them. Healing is His job, which He pours out as He sees fit. As Misty Edwards said "At the end of the day, some people get healed, some people don't. God is sovereign and gets to choose, we just have to deal with it."
Carol & I sat there talking on her front porch until 12:30AM - meaning it was my birthday! We are such kindred spirits. Just our experiences in life, the way the Lord has shown Himself to us, the paths He's taken us on. We were instant friends. She's a little older than my mom. And as I got into my car to drive home, I realized it was my birthday....and that meeting Carol was a gift God had given me. I still missed my mama, but the ache wasn't so strong. God had reminded me that He never leaves us nor forsakes us...He is our Provider. And, He's a good, good God who loves to bless His children!
Over the past couple of months, Carol's cancer came out of remission. So she's back to doing chemo and such. I just talked to her this afternoon and, bless her heart, she's so weak, so can only talk on the phone for a few minutes. Her lungs keep filling up with fluid (ovarian cancer cells produces ascites - fluid). She's going Monday to have a chest tube put in to drain the fluid on the lung. She also said they're bringing in a hospital bed to help her with getting up and down, and she's not allowed to stay by herself because she's so weak and short of breath.
Please pray for Carol. She reminds me of my mama in that she has such a strong faith in the Lord. She knows - and is at peace with knowing - that at any moment, God could choose to heal her body, or take her home, whichever is within His plan. I will continue to pray for her until God heals her, because that's what He's asked of me. The way He chooses to heal her is up to Him, but I know what my job is. Please pray with me for, not only her healing, but for strength, comfort and peace. Thanks!!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Single forever?
There are lots of times in my life that I don't mind being single. I really don't. I have even written before about the privileges and advantages that I'm aware I have as a single adult. And I truly believe that there are lots of perks to my singleness!
And I don't want to be one of those gals who is constantly pining away for a husband. In fact, most of my friends would tell you that's not really my style. However, there are those days...those days when you find out that friends are pregnant, engaged or even in a new relationship. Friends that were the ones everyone expected to stay single forever. And those days...well those days sting a little bit. It's not that you wish ill on your friends, exactly the opposite. Because you know better than anyone how excited they are to finally find someone even though they're over 30! I can relate to those friends much better than our friends who started dating in high school. But there's still something about it that causes a little sting. I used to think it was jealousy, but I don't think that's really it. I think it's just the sting that comes with being offended at God. The moment of "why are You withholding something this good from me, but not anyone else?" And you know as soon as those words come out of your mouth (or your heart if it be the case), you know that is not the truth. You know that God is a good God who only has good and perfect gifts to give you. You work to make your heart and your brain work together to get this knowledge to stick to your innermost thoughts....for the millionth time!
I have to make myself remember that I'm not God. I'm probably one of those people that everyone expects to stay single...and maybe God will shock them (and me) by sending someone into my life one day! Maybe He'll use my singleness in even more awesome ways that He has thus far. And maybe He'll just continue to do what He's promised and stick by my side, hold my hand and carry me when I need it! Yep, I know He'll do that for sure!
And I don't want to be one of those gals who is constantly pining away for a husband. In fact, most of my friends would tell you that's not really my style. However, there are those days...those days when you find out that friends are pregnant, engaged or even in a new relationship. Friends that were the ones everyone expected to stay single forever. And those days...well those days sting a little bit. It's not that you wish ill on your friends, exactly the opposite. Because you know better than anyone how excited they are to finally find someone even though they're over 30! I can relate to those friends much better than our friends who started dating in high school. But there's still something about it that causes a little sting. I used to think it was jealousy, but I don't think that's really it. I think it's just the sting that comes with being offended at God. The moment of "why are You withholding something this good from me, but not anyone else?" And you know as soon as those words come out of your mouth (or your heart if it be the case), you know that is not the truth. You know that God is a good God who only has good and perfect gifts to give you. You work to make your heart and your brain work together to get this knowledge to stick to your innermost thoughts....for the millionth time!
I have to make myself remember that I'm not God. I'm probably one of those people that everyone expects to stay single...and maybe God will shock them (and me) by sending someone into my life one day! Maybe He'll use my singleness in even more awesome ways that He has thus far. And maybe He'll just continue to do what He's promised and stick by my side, hold my hand and carry me when I need it! Yep, I know He'll do that for sure!
Friday, September 10, 2010
When all's said & done!
I was talking with a friend today about funerals. She was talking about paying for a loved one's services, and then we were just talking in general. And I'm watching a movie in which someone just said goodbye to his best friend, and it's the funeral scene right now.
Now, growing up in a Christian home and being a preacher's kid, I've been to my share of funerals & visitations. Shoot, I've even sang at funerals (not as weird as you'd think!). I've attended those of loved ones - biological family, church family, friends. I've even had to go through planning my mother's funeral.
All that said, I was thinking the other day about how people exchange words to family members that have lost loved ones. There are many standard things that you hear, "He will be missed so much; She was such a lovely person; He was a good person; He/she did so many good things. He loved his family so much. She loved her church and was such an active member. She was a lovely singer. He was a great preacher. He did/was {fill-in-the-blank}".
While I was thinking about it, I realized that I don't want any of those things to be said when I leave this earthly body. What I want to be said of me when I'm gone is "She loved her Lord with all her heart, soul, mind & strength; and she strived to live a life pleasing to Him". Now all I have to do is continue to make that true about me now...because nothing can be true of me after I'm gone from Earth if it isn't true of me while I'm still here!
Now, growing up in a Christian home and being a preacher's kid, I've been to my share of funerals & visitations. Shoot, I've even sang at funerals (not as weird as you'd think!). I've attended those of loved ones - biological family, church family, friends. I've even had to go through planning my mother's funeral.
All that said, I was thinking the other day about how people exchange words to family members that have lost loved ones. There are many standard things that you hear, "He will be missed so much; She was such a lovely person; He was a good person; He/she did so many good things. He loved his family so much. She loved her church and was such an active member. She was a lovely singer. He was a great preacher. He did/was {fill-in-the-blank}".
While I was thinking about it, I realized that I don't want any of those things to be said when I leave this earthly body. What I want to be said of me when I'm gone is "She loved her Lord with all her heart, soul, mind & strength; and she strived to live a life pleasing to Him". Now all I have to do is continue to make that true about me now...because nothing can be true of me after I'm gone from Earth if it isn't true of me while I'm still here!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
That time again...
Yep, it's that time again. It's getting close to my birthday. On Sunday, I shall become 31-year-old! As per norm, I take my birthday as a time to reflect upon my life, the paths I've taken, decisions made, changes in circumstances and my growth in God.
This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.
I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.
OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!
So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.
Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!
Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!
Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!
Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.
Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!
This past year has been quite the trying year. Last year on my birthday, my mom was still here. She told me that turning 30 was special enough, but she was afraid that it might be the last birthday she'd spend with me. Even though her cancer numbers were not that high and the chemo seemed to be working, I guess she knew more than the doctors, maybe she didn't. But, she was right. My 30th birthday was the last one she'd spend with me.
I say that maybe she wasn't right because my mom always made things special - just in case something happened and she didn't have the chance to celebrate again! All of my life my mom taught me to value life....to live each day, to celebrate every opportunity because it might be the last we're given! Wow...I miss her...a lot. This will be the first birthday I've ever not spent with my mom. I've been gone to college & overseas for everyone else's birthday in my family, but I've never not been with my mom on MY birthday. So that will be a change for me.
OK...my reflection is of me and my year. Yes, my life's different this year. Mom entered Heaven in November, the next day my sister informed me she was pregnant - making me an aunt last month, and I'm now my dad's sole caregiver. Life sure can change in the course of a year, actually in the course of a moment!
So, have I lived each day to its fullest this past year? No, I cannot honestly sasy that I have. I have spent a lot of time resting this year. This might be the first birthday that I actually feel my age (or older). I didn't realize how tiring it can be to take care of 2 people by yourself around the clock, but my body still doesn't like me....we're trying to reconcile.
Yes, this has been a trying year, and yes Satan has used every single thing that happened to try to steal my joy. But I'm happy to report that he hasn't! Even though I'm tired, I still have the joy of the Lord that is my strength! Oh, I'm so thankful that God provides us with the strength tht He knows we'll need!
Wow, I realized I'm rambling a lot more than usual! I have this feeling that I have changed a lot in the past year. I've had to learn to rely on God for everything, and I mean everything. Many times days may pass without me having someone to talk to about my feelings, ideas, thoughts. (I used to talk things over with my mom since she was my best friend. I can't dicuss things too deep with Daddy because he either 1) doesn't always understand or 2) becomes so fixated on a little detail that he misses the point and this causes added frustration between us.) God has blessed me with wonderful people - my family in Him, and I'm so thankful for them! But it's not the same as having someone that you live with, that loves you, and that you can talk with about anything you want!
Another change that I've noticed is that I've come to not care about people's opinions. Obviously I take comments and thoughts into account, but I've come to realize that the only opinion of me that will ultimately matter is God's. So if I have peace in my heart that His opinion of me is high and He's happy with my decisions, I really don't give a care about people's opinions. This offends many people, and I know it does. And I haven't figured out what exactly to do about that. I just know that I HAVE to live a life that has God's approval, not the approval of man!
Yep, this year has brought many changes, I'm motherless, an aunt, and my dad's caregiver. And, I've offended a lot of people. lol But I have peace within me, and I know that I am closer to God now than I was a year ago. Not where I want to be...but glad I'm not where I was.
Who knows what the next year will bring? I know that I'm on the sub list and hopefully Daddy will do OK enough that I'll be able to work a few days a week. I love leading worship at my church, and just worshipping...I know that is something He created me for! Where will I be when I turn 32? I have no idea! I may not be in this state, this country or even this world - never know what might happen! I pray, though, that wherever I am, it is in the center of His Will! I am sincere when I tell the Lord that I will go wherever He sends, say whatever He says and do whatever He asks....so options are endless! It shall be exciting to see what He's going to do over the next...I'm anxious to see/hear His plans!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Eyes like Fire!
Last night I did not sleep well. In fact, I didn't really sleep last night, as it was 6:00 AM before I finally fell asleep. I watched TV, I read, I spent time thinking, and I kept trying to go to sleep. Around 4:00, I lay in my bed with my body aching. I remember thinking I felt like a 70-year-old. I hate fibromyalgia. And I have a sinus infection to boot...so my head felt like it was in a vice grip.
Sometime around 4:30, I found myself before the Lord. I remember saying "I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, God. I know that You paid for my healing, Jesus. And I also know that You've said we have not because we ask not. So God, I am asking You now, please heal my body. I know that it's nothing too big or too small for You, so I'm asking that You please heal my body."
And then, all of the sudden, I could see that I was literally before the Throne. I remember saying "I'm coming boldly before Your Throne, Lord!" I confessed that for many years, every time I've spent time in prayer for healing, I always find someone who is legitimately more sick than I am, and I pray for that person's healing. I realized that I have been, in a way, disqualifying myself from His healing. I have fibromyalgia, bad sinuses & allergies, and acid reflux. All of which are things that I can live with if I use my medications and eat carefully. Somewhere in my mind I equated that with being less worthy of His time. But I realized that though my problems are livable, God could definitely heal me...He loves me as much as He loves anyone else.
And then I realized there was more than just prayers for healing taking place. While I saw myself before the Throne, I looked up at one point and saw Jesus looking at me. He appeared almost as a lion. His eyes were like fire. They were burning with a deep desire for me to see His love. They were burning with love for ME. They also burned with a love of jealousy. I could see it in those eyes like fire. Then He asked me, "Do you love Me?" I replied, "Yes, Jesus, I love You, I love You!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than any other lover?" My reply, "Jesus, that's my heart's desire! I know that I fail, but I strive to love You more than any other!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than your family? More than your friends? More than your church family?" To each I replied, "Yes, Jesus, yes!" "Do you love Me enough to do what I ask you? Enough to leave all that you know & love behind? Enough to do the things I ask of you, even if they're not your personal desires? Enough to keep serving those who act as though they do not appreciate you? Enough to stay at home with your earthly father until he dies, if I ask it of you? Enough to give up any dreams of marrying and adopting? Enough to live a life full of persecution from those that you love?" At this point I was weeping, after each question, my answer remained, "Yes, Jesus! If that's what You ask of me, then yes, Jesus!" He asked, "Do you love Me enough to literally lay down your earthly life simply for loving & following Me?" "Oh yes, my Beloved! I love You enough to do that!" All this time, He was looking into my eyes, into my soul with those eyes that just kept burning with a tender, just and jealous love.
Then He surrounded me with His love and said "I believe you, my beloved, I believe you. Though you have not always made the right decisions, you have proven your love for Me so many times! In those quiet, secret places where no one was watching, where no one saw the sacrifices that you made, I saw. And your human heart cannot understand the love that I have for you!"
So I spent an hour with my Lord, my King, my Judge, my Friend, my Brother, my Bridegroom! He kept pouring His love over me! And then He asked me if i was willing to surrender all other lovers, all other people/things/thoughts that distract me from following Him at all times. I answered that I was. And it was as though He took on the attributes of a lion even more so. I could see and feel Him literally shredding the things around my heart that were distractions. He would name something & I would say "rid me of it, Jesus". And I could feel him literally tearing those things off of my heart.
I have to say that it was an exhausting experience. And around 6:00 am, I was so tired that I couldn't hardly stay awake. But I wanted to! I was in the presence of my Beloved! Feeling His love for me, and seeing that jealous love in His eyes like fire. I think this was the 2nd time of seeing His eyes of fire, but this time they were so much more powerful! I wasn't just seeing His eyes, I was feeling His eyes....I could feel His jealousy and His love for ME in those eyes!! I can't say that I woke up feeling healed, unfortunately. In fact, if anything I physically felt worse because of the lack of sleep. But my spirit, oh my spirit is so much more at peace, and my spirit has been healed! And I don't believe I will ever forget those eyes of fire!!
Sometime around 4:30, I found myself before the Lord. I remember saying "I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, God. I know that You paid for my healing, Jesus. And I also know that You've said we have not because we ask not. So God, I am asking You now, please heal my body. I know that it's nothing too big or too small for You, so I'm asking that You please heal my body."
And then, all of the sudden, I could see that I was literally before the Throne. I remember saying "I'm coming boldly before Your Throne, Lord!" I confessed that for many years, every time I've spent time in prayer for healing, I always find someone who is legitimately more sick than I am, and I pray for that person's healing. I realized that I have been, in a way, disqualifying myself from His healing. I have fibromyalgia, bad sinuses & allergies, and acid reflux. All of which are things that I can live with if I use my medications and eat carefully. Somewhere in my mind I equated that with being less worthy of His time. But I realized that though my problems are livable, God could definitely heal me...He loves me as much as He loves anyone else.
And then I realized there was more than just prayers for healing taking place. While I saw myself before the Throne, I looked up at one point and saw Jesus looking at me. He appeared almost as a lion. His eyes were like fire. They were burning with a deep desire for me to see His love. They were burning with love for ME. They also burned with a love of jealousy. I could see it in those eyes like fire. Then He asked me, "Do you love Me?" I replied, "Yes, Jesus, I love You, I love You!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than any other lover?" My reply, "Jesus, that's my heart's desire! I know that I fail, but I strive to love You more than any other!" He asked, "Do you love Me more than your family? More than your friends? More than your church family?" To each I replied, "Yes, Jesus, yes!" "Do you love Me enough to do what I ask you? Enough to leave all that you know & love behind? Enough to do the things I ask of you, even if they're not your personal desires? Enough to keep serving those who act as though they do not appreciate you? Enough to stay at home with your earthly father until he dies, if I ask it of you? Enough to give up any dreams of marrying and adopting? Enough to live a life full of persecution from those that you love?" At this point I was weeping, after each question, my answer remained, "Yes, Jesus! If that's what You ask of me, then yes, Jesus!" He asked, "Do you love Me enough to literally lay down your earthly life simply for loving & following Me?" "Oh yes, my Beloved! I love You enough to do that!" All this time, He was looking into my eyes, into my soul with those eyes that just kept burning with a tender, just and jealous love.
Then He surrounded me with His love and said "I believe you, my beloved, I believe you. Though you have not always made the right decisions, you have proven your love for Me so many times! In those quiet, secret places where no one was watching, where no one saw the sacrifices that you made, I saw. And your human heart cannot understand the love that I have for you!"
So I spent an hour with my Lord, my King, my Judge, my Friend, my Brother, my Bridegroom! He kept pouring His love over me! And then He asked me if i was willing to surrender all other lovers, all other people/things/thoughts that distract me from following Him at all times. I answered that I was. And it was as though He took on the attributes of a lion even more so. I could see and feel Him literally shredding the things around my heart that were distractions. He would name something & I would say "rid me of it, Jesus". And I could feel him literally tearing those things off of my heart.
I have to say that it was an exhausting experience. And around 6:00 am, I was so tired that I couldn't hardly stay awake. But I wanted to! I was in the presence of my Beloved! Feeling His love for me, and seeing that jealous love in His eyes like fire. I think this was the 2nd time of seeing His eyes of fire, but this time they were so much more powerful! I wasn't just seeing His eyes, I was feeling His eyes....I could feel His jealousy and His love for ME in those eyes!! I can't say that I woke up feeling healed, unfortunately. In fact, if anything I physically felt worse because of the lack of sleep. But my spirit, oh my spirit is so much more at peace, and my spirit has been healed! And I don't believe I will ever forget those eyes of fire!!
Monday, July 19, 2010
I'm done with it all!
I'm done with it all! Really. I'm done! I'm done with letting people decide my worth. I'm done with letting the approval or rejection of man define who I am. I am done trying to do what I think people want me to do. I am done living my life trying to receive praises and avoid rejection of people - even those that I love and love me.
My identity is determined by God and not by people! If I could keep my brain and heart wrapped around that fact, I'd be in good shape. And if I could get other people to realize that, I'd be in better shape. Or maybe it's just that I need to remind myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter.
It's amazing how we, even as followers of Christ, let people's opinions of us count so much. In Galatians 1:10 Paul asks "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Did you get that one part? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is some serious stuff. He's saying that living for the approval of man can cause us to not be considered a servant of Christ.
I've been learning a lot of really weighty and deep things lately regarding the praises and rejections of man. But I'm not always that deep, so I've had to bring some of these truths down to my level. Here's some of what God's been teaching me.
His opinion is the only one that matters. There will be times that what He's calling me to do make no sense to anyone - even others that follow Him, but I'm still expected to follow Him. If I can allow myself to feel good by the praises of man, I'll surely be deflated by man's rejection.
When the day comes that I'm standing before my Lord - face to face, and I'm required to give an account of how I obeyed/disobeyed Him, how I followed/didn't follow Him and whether or not I've pleased Him - it all boils down to one thing. When I'm standing before my Lord, the opinions of people (even those that I love and that love me) will NOT count for anything. What WILL count is His opinion of me. Knowing that I will stand to give an account before Him encourages me to live my life for Him and only Him, regardless of any opinion of man.
My identity is determined by God and not by people! If I could keep my brain and heart wrapped around that fact, I'd be in good shape. And if I could get other people to realize that, I'd be in better shape. Or maybe it's just that I need to remind myself that other peoples' opinions don't matter.
It's amazing how we, even as followers of Christ, let people's opinions of us count so much. In Galatians 1:10 Paul asks "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Did you get that one part? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. This is some serious stuff. He's saying that living for the approval of man can cause us to not be considered a servant of Christ.
I've been learning a lot of really weighty and deep things lately regarding the praises and rejections of man. But I'm not always that deep, so I've had to bring some of these truths down to my level. Here's some of what God's been teaching me.
His opinion is the only one that matters. There will be times that what He's calling me to do make no sense to anyone - even others that follow Him, but I'm still expected to follow Him. If I can allow myself to feel good by the praises of man, I'll surely be deflated by man's rejection.
When the day comes that I'm standing before my Lord - face to face, and I'm required to give an account of how I obeyed/disobeyed Him, how I followed/didn't follow Him and whether or not I've pleased Him - it all boils down to one thing. When I'm standing before my Lord, the opinions of people (even those that I love and that love me) will NOT count for anything. What WILL count is His opinion of me. Knowing that I will stand to give an account before Him encourages me to live my life for Him and only Him, regardless of any opinion of man.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Do you know....
Tonight I will be going to Iuka GB Church. My pastor is preaching there and has asked me to come and sing a song. The song is one from IHOP....the chorus is "Do you know that you've caught My eye, in the secret place where you chose to die? Do you know the way you move Me? Do you know the way you move Me?" The verses aren't really written...they're more prophetic flowing - something that God wants to share. I always find prophetic singing awesome and scary. It's so awesome that God can use His people in such a way, and I'm so humbled to be one of them, but I get scared that I will hear (and in turn speak/sing) incorrectly. I think that fear is a good thing, though...it's the healthy "fear of the Lord". It makes me seek Him harder because I truly want to share His heart with His people. I mean that's the whole purpose anyway....to hear, know and share the heart of God.
Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!
I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!
Every day I fall more in love with Jesus. Sometimes I fall more in love with Him in the days that I screw up the most...because I know that He forgives and loves me still. I still "ravish His heart with one glance of my eye" I love that even in my brokenness, my stupidness, my failure, when I look in the direction of Jesus, I steal His heart! What an awesome God!!
I love the lines in the chorus...about Him seeing the "secret place where you chose to die"! I love that God sees & knows everything! There are times when we sacrifice, when we give up everything, when we put others before ourselves, when we say "OK God, Your Will be done". Many of those times are time that people don't see us. They can't appreciate the sacrifice we've made because they don't know about it. But God sees it! And when we choose to die to ourselves, and live for Him even in the littlest of things....we catch His eye in those moments! We move His heart. We move the very heart of the one true living God!! Wow, He must really love me!!
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