Mawwiage...

What am I looking for in a husband? Being 31 and single for all of those 31 years, this is a question I've pondered before. However, the past few years of my life have been filled with such craziness that the thought of a husband entering the picture, well, it wasn't really much of a thought. For the year I was in China, it was a contractual issue that there would be no dating. Upon returning to the States, I moved to Florida for a few months and then came back to Illinois. Not staying in any one place longer than a few months didn't seem to lead to any lasting relationships. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer and the following 3 years were spent desiring time to sleep...forget hoping/praying for a man, I was excited at the prospect of sleeping for more than 4 consecutive hours! Since Mom's been gone, I'm still with my dad full-time, but there's only one parent now, and I've gotten some rest and had time to think.

Last week, a friend told me that she's praying for me...for many things, but one of the specifics is for the husband that God has for me. So this took my thoughts where they hadn't really been in a while. Marriage. And that lead to me doing what I think I do best...asking questions!!

Do I feel that marriage is a desire God's laid upon my heart or something I feel I'm suppose to desire because society says it's good? Could I live contentedly as a single person until I die or Jesus comes back, if that's what God asks of me? If marriage is in His plan for my life, what exactly am I looking for? What are the qualities in a man that are non-negotiable and what are those that are just preferences?

Honestly, over the years, I've learned that I am a fairly girly-girl....well I have my moments at least. But for being as girly as I am, I am quite possibly the least romantic girly-girl in history! Don't get me wrong, I love romantic gestures...flowers, love notes, etc. What I mean is that I cringe when I hear lines in a movie such as Jerry McGuire "You complete me." Uh, no. I don't think that's how it is supposed to work. God says that He is enough for me, His grace is sufficient...I think that kinda means I'm already complete as long as I have Him. He created Adam & said that it wasn't good for man to be alone, so He created Eve as Adam's helpmeet. They were made to compliment one another, not complete each other. He said "two shall be one", not two halves will become one. And I don't buy into the notion of "falling in love". If that were true, you could just as easily "fall out of love". Love is a decision, it is a choice that we make. And I am old enough & have enough married friends to know, some days that choice is harder to make than others. But it's still a choice, not an emotion.

I know that marriage is a desire of my heart, but what I'm trying to figure out is whether I put it there or if God placed that desire there. I do know that my heart's desire is also to adopt. And as much as I've prayed, I do not feel led to adopt without being married. So if adoption is to happen, He will send the right man into my life.

So what am I looking for in a husband? My list is pretty different now than when I was, say, 15. haha I no longer desire the perfect man that is just the right mix of rugged manliness, yet has a great sense of fashion; has the best sense of humor in the world, yet can be serious the moment I need him to be; has to be strong and masculine, yet be able to show his more vulnerable side at a moment's notice. I've come to realize I will never meet a perfect man other than Jesus. And that's a good thing, because I would hate the thought that God would pair me with a perfect man - I know exactly how horribly flawed I am!!

Non-negotiables, though, include a man whose heart has completely been given to the Lord. A man that seeks the Lord before making decisions, and seeks Godly counsel. A man whose prayer life is the strongest part of him. A man that realizes and accepts no matter how hard I may try, I will never be perfect towards him. But he also knows that my heart's desire is to be pleasing unto the Lord; that we would spur one another on in our relationship with the Lord. I want a marriage that would be a partnership of serving the Lord faithfully. A man that is spiritually mature, so that I would have no qualms about placing him in a place of spiritual authority over me, as he would become the spiritual head of our household. A man who knows how to be a man, who knows how to lead people to God. I know that he will not be all of these things all of the time, because he will be human (unless there's a real life Superman out there! haha), but this man...his heart would strive to be these things at all times! I would also love to have someone that is just there for me, to give me a hug, hold me when I cry, scratch that spot in the middle of my back that I can never quite reach!! ha

I don't care so much what he looks like, though I gotta admit that I'm a sucker for curly hair. He doesn't have to sing or play an instrument, though those make me swoon! ha He doesn't have to have a wonderful job with great pay. He doesn't have to be in full-time ministry. He doesn't have to have the world's most perfect smile, although perfectly straight teeth would definitely have been a selling point for my mama!! He just has to have a heart that smiles with the love of the Lord. He doesn't have to have the darkest of brown eyes or the deepest of blue. He just has to have eyes that are full of the love of the Lord.

I know that if God does have marriage in store for me, He is all-knowing. So God knows exactly what characteristics this man and I possess, the qualities that would cause us to strive for a relationship that encourages us both towards the Lord. One that would cause us both to desire to love each other and other people even more with the love of the Lord than we have in the past!

And the crazy ride that I've had in walking with the Lord has shown me that if I am to never marry, I can be content. He has proven more times than I can count that He is more than enough for me. And He will always provide my needs.

Resurrection Day...

Another Easter has passed. I prefer calling it Resurrection Day, but even within the Church it seems hard to get away from calling it "Easter". I love this holiday. I love knowing that my Savior physically died on a cross for me. I know that it was for all humanity, and I know that He was completing His Father's Will. but that doesn't change the fact that He did it for ME! How humbling is that!

but that's not the end of the story! He was laid in the tomb on Friday, but on Sunday - He came back! He defeated Hell and the grave! Yeah, my physical body will die one day..."all flesh is grass...the grass withers away". But my spirit won't stay with the dead flesh I will one day shed. He came back in His resurrected body. And I will get one of those one day too! All because He made it possible 2000 years ago!

And I think the one of the things that blows my mind the most (although a lot of things blow my mind) is that He's going to keep that physical form FOREVER! We know that when He saw the people after His resurrection and before the ascension, He had a body that was flesh and bones. Do you know what that means?! In Heaven, right now, there is a God-Man (Jesus) interceding in prayer on our behalf before His Father! Fully God, fully man. I don't pretend to know how that works, but I know that everytime I study the Scripture, it resonates with the spirit inside of me!

And what's even more awesome - He's not staying in Heaven! He's coming back again!!! He's coming back on that Great & Terrible Day of the Lord. He's coming back to claim His inheritance - the nations! The ones He's been praying for to the Father! He's coming back to claim His Bride!

I can't imagine what it would have been like to be one of the people who saw Jesus in His resurrected body after watching Him be crucified. But I know something that would have been hard for them to grasp....I know the end of the story!! The story didn't end when He died on the cross, it didn't end when He come back that Sunday, it didn't end when He ascended into Heaven. He's coming back! The story is still taking place! He loves us, He's praying for us and He's coming back for us! Oh what joy that fills my soul at the thought of it all!!!

Sin Again?? Really??

Why can't I seem to get a grasp on this sinning thing?! Really!! I've been following the Lord since I was 10 and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. So, wouldn't one think that by age 31, I'd have this sin mess figured out? I've been following Him for a little over 2/3 of my life...I mean, if you've done something for 2/3 of your life, you should have it down, right?

Well, honestly, I don't think anyone gets it down completely. I don't think we'll truly accomplish that until we see Him face to face. What I do know (and there are almost too many Scriptures to try to pick one) is that He forgives my sin. Even if I mess up everyday, He still forgives me because He loves me. And He's in the grace business. I John 1:8-9 "8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Oh the faithfulness and justice of the Lord!! Oh how thankful I am for Him & His love!!

Does this mean I stop striving for a life without sin? No! I will strive for that until I meet Him in the flesh! Paul explains in Romans 7 how we know God's law, but our flesh takes us where we don't want to go and into things we don't want to do.

Sometimes I'm very thankful that I'm the only one that reads my blog...my own online diary. I know that this is a bunch of ramblings typed out, partly due to a sleeping pill kicking in (haha). But partly because this is how my brain works when I'm working things out with the Lord. He is able to follow the bunny trails that my brain takes! Actually, He knows where my thoughts are going before I do. And He gently guides me through all of these trails until I see Truth. He leads me through His Word to Truth. He leads me unto Himself - Truth! And I know that regardless of how garbled my thoughts may be, He is my Rock. He's the One who is Truth. I can always come back to the fact that He loves me, He died on the cross bearing my sins so that I may be forgiven, and that He will never leave me. He will continue guiding me on the path that leads me closer to Him. Some days I'll do better than others. Some days I'll fall a lot harder than others. Some days my mood will be better than others. But I know that no matter what's going on with me, He is unchanging! His love, forgiveness, grace and presence will never change, never leave, never go away!! And for that, I'm so thankful!!!

Faith persists...

How many times have you been asked to pray for some one's healing? How many times by the same person for the same thing?

If you attend church regularly or are a member of a church body, you've most likely been asked to pray for the same person multiple times, and many times for the same healing.

I've spent time pondering this and in discussion with the Lord on this area this past week. I know that I'm a bit close to the subject, so I want to fully disclose up-front that I may be skewing what I've heard from the Lord. I don't think this is the case, but I'm human, so I'm aware of the possibility.

Here's the situation that made me start thinking this week. I have fibromyalgia, acid reflux, degenerative arthritis, chronic sinusitis, as well as multiple food and drug allergies. I'm not whining, I'm just stating. None of these things are life-threatening (well except the allergies ha) and if I take my medicine, I can mange. And some days I feel lots better than other days. But I want to be healed of these things, I desperately do. So every time I'm with a body of believers and I feel that gentle tug of the Holy Spirit telling me to ask for prayers for healing, I do. I believe the Bible to be the written Word of God. So when I read James 4:2 "You do not have because you do not ask God." or Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." I have to believe that God truly meant I need to ask Him for what I have need of, that I need to boldly come before His throne asking for Him to meet my needs. And I know that He also says that in James 5:16 "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective". So if this is true, I need as many righteous people praying. There are many other Scripture that support sharing our prayer needs with one another, lifting one another up in prayer and bearing with one another.

So, why is it that when someone in the Body of Christ asks for prayer (albeit a repeated one), we may roll our eyes, or even ask "Are you STILL having trouble with that?" or "Wow! what ISN'T wrong with you?" I know that these things happen within the Body because I've had each of these done to me within the past 2 weeks. I'm not pointing fingers or placing blame, just something that God pointed out to make me aware. I've been guilty of doing the same thing myself. Being asked to pray for the same person, for the same thing for the umpteenth time and thinking to myself "ugh, why do they just keep asking?" I think we all do that because it's human nature. Plus, when we're healthy, it's easy to not understand the person's issue. Or when we're dealing with pain of our own, it's easy for the thought to pop into our heads "you're not so special, this is a fallen world and we all have pains that we have to live through. I'm pushing through mine silently, so why don't you quit complaining?" We may not say that out loud, but even though I'm not a betting person, I'd wager that thought has entered into many people's mind...even if but for a moment.

I don't know why I hurt and don't feel good. I don't know why my family has a long line of various illnesses and disease. I have prayed regarding generational things and, thus far, the Lord hasn't shown me anything in that area. I do know, though, that I come from a strong lineage of people who didn't just claim to be Christians, but walked it out in their everyday life, in the mundane moments. And I know that many of them heard the same words I've heard and saw the same eye-rolls I've seen when they asked God for their healings. Some of them received their healings on Earth, others in that glorious moment they entered into God's Presence.

I guess the biggest reason this weighed so heavily upon my heart is because of what I heard the Lord say. I heard Him say that this is part of the reason we are not seeing the healings that He spoke of. Remember, He said that we'd do "even greater works than these" and He was raising up bodies from the dead! Did you ever notice, though, that healings took place when the people went to Jesus, or had people go on their behalf, believing Jesus could heal them? If we want to compare ourselves to others and deem them as big babies, we may be keeping them from receiving a healing, and ourselves from the tremendous reward of blessing of our faith. If we don't pray because we're just tired of praying for that person's healing of the same thing, well, that doesn't say much for our perseverance, does it?

I don't want the reason that we aren't seeing healing take place to be that we are insensitive to people that ask for our prayers. Yes, my feelings were hurt this week. I'll get over it. God will give me the strength to forgive the person, whether they even realized their actions or words were hurtful. I will get over it. But I know that I've been blessed by those generations who have gone before me, loving the Lord in good times and in bad. I know that God answered their prayers and strengthened them. I know that He blessed their persistence to keep coming before His Throne. I've served my Lord for more than 2/3 of my life and He's proven Himself over and over to me. So I know that He will be faithful...it's written all over my past with Him.

But what about the new believer? Or the non-believer? It takes a certain element of humility to ask God for a healing for ourselves. So often we allow ourselves to be disqualified because we know of someone much worse off than we are. But I think it takes a different level of humility to ask other people to pray for a healing. Not only are we acknowledging our dependency on the Lord, but we're also acknowledging our co-dependency upon His body - the one that He engineered. He specifically puts other believers into our lives so that we have a brother or sister to encourage us along the way.

This week, I pray, that the Lord helps us by making us aware of our reactions to people when being asked to pray for healing. That we would not be found comparing ourselves to them...rather than silently pushing through our own pain, why don't we also ask, in turn, for prayers for our own healing? That we may be found lifting one another before the Throne of God, asking for healings because we don't want to be guilty of "having not because we ask not". That even though we may not see immediate healing, we keep pressing in, we keep pushing into His Presence.

In this world, there will be pain and strife. God's already promised us that. And some of us may never receive a healing on this Earth. And we have to come to terms with that...work that out with the Lord...that He's God, He's Sovereign, He chooses who gets healed and who doesn't. But that's His job, not ours. I'm reminded of what He's told me many times before "I didn't tell you to go around healing people, I simply asked you to pray that I heal them, healing is My job."

So as for me and my house, we will continue to contend for healings!

Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On

I'm a news junkie. It's true. I feel like I'm in a support group. Hello. My name is Meredith and I am a news junkie. At least one television in my house may be found on a news station roughly 20 hours per day. If I am not at home, you will find me checking news sources via internet either on my laptop or my android. I like to be kept informed. It's a part of who I am. I don't like to be left in the dark...I want to know what's going on.

I also like to keep updated on the news so that I know how to be praying. Holy Spirit does guide us in our prayers, I'm not discounting His role in praying at all. I guess, though, for the times I'm not hearing Him clearly, I like to see the specifics.

In case you're not a news junkie like me...let me tell you of a few things going on.

• America's economy is collapsing. Yeah, we've had a little improvement recently...I think I heard unemployment claims were dropping. I have my own theory on this though...I think some people have hit the time limit on unemployment benefits.
• Egypt is in some massive turmoil. Right now as I type, they're waiting for Pres Mubarak to make a statement that he's going to be stepping down as president. This causes a lot of concern because an election should take place in 60 days and, from what I hear, the only group that's organized enough to win an election is The Muslim Brotherhood. If you're unfamiliar with the Muslim Brotherhood - as many are - here's their creed: "Allah is our objective, the prophet is our leader, the Koran is our law, Jihad is our way, dying in the way of Allah is our highest hope." Yeah...that's the wonderful peace-loving way of Islam...but I digress.
• Australia has a lot of land under water, as they've been hit with storms and a cyclone. Brazil has been hit with floods. Places within America have faced weather than is uncommon for their regions. These are just a few in the list of natural disasters that have been taking place in, what seems to me, a much more frequent rate than in the past.

These are just a few things that I'm seeing. Right now, the biggest thing being aired on the news is Mubarak's stepping down in Egypt. As I watch the news, especially over the past year and past few months, I keep hearing the verses from Hebrews 12 resonate in my spirit.
26 At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”[e] 27 The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain. 28 Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29 for our “God is a consuming fire.”
I keep hearing "shakings". God has promised that He will shake the Earth once again. He will shake away everything that is not built on Him. He loves us too much to let us continue building upon faulty foundations. It is out of His great love and mercy that He shakes away/destroys all that "can be shaken". Anything that is not based in Him and on His Word can and WILL be shaken. He's promised already us that much.
I see so many Americans worried about the economy. Don't get me wrong...I have my moments too. What if the economy totally collapses? What if I can't buy food to feed my family? How do I continue to live comfortably when I know the homeless rate is growing at alarmingly high rates? Am I prepared to live through, what may very well become, the greatest depression my nation faces? I have only one answer to my questions. I hear Holy Spirit reminding me of Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” I know that regardless, I will be OK. The Lord will be with me, and He assures it will be OK. Even if things were get to our 'worst case scenario' and conditions become so bad that I lose my physical life, I'm more than OK because I'm with Him in that moment!
What concerns me the most is that I fear many Americans (and other nations...I watched the riots in Europe, but this is where I live) put their faith in America's economy even moreso than the Lord. I believe that's why He's been shaking the economies of the world...He's shaking as a wake-up call. I can almost hear Him "Hello? Wake up! It's time that you quit putting your faith into man-made systems. I promise that all you truly need is Me! I love you too much to not try to wake you up & catch your attention! I love you! I created you! Put your faith in Me!"
I saw many people turn to the Church and the Father when the economy was on such a downward slope recently. But what saddens me is that I've also seen many start to breathe easier and quit turning to the Father as the economy showed signs of improvement. It's almost like the days after 9/11. I saw so many people crying out to God for comfort, peace and safety. And once it seemed that our nation was once again safe, people became lulled into a false peace that told them they didn't need to cry out to God. I honestly believe this means there will be another shaking coming. And God is a good Father. Like any good parent, if what He did before didn't get your attention, He will increase the intensity next time. He's done it before...ever hear of the Israelites - His Chosen People? It's what He does to those He loves...He gets our attention in whatever way it takes!
This is what leads me to pray. I pray for those in my nation. I pray that they will turn to the Father rather than institutions of man. I pray that those who are His Children now will begin to pray! And that we, as His voices on Earth, would begin to share what we're hearing when we pray! That we would become voices in the wilderness. That we would truly be lights in the darkness! That the hearts of the people would turn to the Father!!

Time to take responsibility...

Over the past decade or so, I've seen a shift in our nation. Maybe it was already beginning and I just didn't notice it until I was 20. I think I started to really notice this shift when I was an undergraduate student working toward my Bachelor of Social Work degree. In Social Work, the phrase " stop blaming the victim" comes up quite frequently. And if it's used toward you, it's a bad thing! I was accused many times by professors and/or classmates of blaming the victim.

Now, mind you, I never blamed a person that was abused, or children that were neglected. I do not buy into "she was asking for it" when referring to a rape victim. I'm not cruel and heartless, I promise! When this phrase would be slapped onto my homework, usually it was a case of someone who had a lot of issues, yet someone else was always to blame. My theory in most of my papers & mock counseling sessions "take responsibility for your actions, quit blaming everyone else and move on". Now, I do realize there are some things that you really have to work through. I'm not at all saying you can just decide that you'll have no more issues today and "poof" they're all gone. No, that would be called "denial". (Or in some cases, God's instantaneous healing.) At some point, you have to say "I have no power to change the past, it is what it is, but I can choose to move forward today." And I do stand by my belief that in this nation, almost everyone is seen as a victim of something, therefore no one has to take the blame.

I see this happening in schools. Every year that I substitute teach, I notice the trend to worsen. I've been told by parents that it is NOT their child's fault that they didn't study for their tests...it's the TEACHER's fault for assigning too much work. The children hear their parents say this, and voila! we have a whole generation of people that are not responsible for their actions.

Just in recent events, the shooting in Arizona on Saturday is a prime example. According to some reports, this obviously unstable gunman in AZ shot these people because of political rhetoric from one or both sides. Really? Why can't we just say that it's the individual's fault for pulling the trigger & he's the one that should be held responsible for his actions? Maybe he had a bad home life. It's possible. Ya know what? Lots of people have bad childhoods, yet they don't shoot 19 people in a grocery store parking lot, killing 6 of them! Maybe he heard something on the news that set him off. But again, he didn't hear anything that thousands and/or millions others didn't hear, yet he was the only one shooting.

I think I've realized why it disheartens me so much when I see all of these adults taking a victim mentality & constantly finding someone else to blame. I think it's because each and every person is going to have to stand before God one day for judgment. And I know that He will not accept "well, You don't understand what happened to me, You don't know how they bullied me on the playground, etc, etc." I fear that many people will hear that they're not allowed to enter into eternity with God because they've never been taught nor taken responsibility for their own actions or deeds. Eventually the blame-game will end...I'm just saddened in how I think it will end in eternity away from God for many.

Hearing a call...

Just yesterday, I found myself in 2 different conversations regarding my 4-month stint with the New Life Drama Company. So, I started reminiscing. That means the good, the bad & the ugly comes to mind! My time with NLDC was quite the ride! Just getting there was a huge part of the ride!

In July of 2002, we had a NLDC team at church camp. This was probably the 2nd or 3rd time I'd seen various teams and I loved what they did! I loved their skits during devotions & services. And I truly appreciated that they served. They served the campers, but they also served the staff. It was common to see at least 2 of the 7 team members serving food in the cafeteria. They were sweeping floors in the dorms, cleaning bathrooms in the chapel, just finding little ways to serve us. And most of the time, it was without being asked to do so! At this time, I was working at the Clay County Counseling Center as a Social Worker at a job that I actually enjoyed. I worked with an adult program working with those in a residential home - teaching adult living skills. I also took Crisis Call, in which I counseled (and sometimes hospitalized) suicidal and/or homicidal people. It sounds crazy, but I really did like the job.

And liking the job as much as I did is what made what I heard that week at church camp even more weird. I remember sharing with my mom and a few close friends "I think I'm supposed to join NLDC...just for one tour, but I think I'm supposed to". Now, mind you, I had never done ANY acting...none at all! I wasn't even in school musicals because of my work study job. I had sang in front of people and spoke in front of people, but NEVER acted! So, feeling God calling me to this was really strange! And since it was so strange, the week after church camp ended...I calloused my heart toward the tug at my heart and tried to forget about it. Plus my mom had been having weird allergic reactions...and we didn't know to what. But in the 2 months prior to that week of camp, the hospital (where she worked) had called me 4 times that I needed to get there because she'd had a reaction and they were getting ready to intubate. Fortunately, they didn't have to, but once we had to call the ambulance to have her taken to ER and she had since had to carry AND use an epi pen. My dad couldn't drive and my sister was in college and working full time. So I was scared to leave my mom...what if she needed me during that time. What if she had a reaction and died because I wasn't there to call the ambulance. This all made it a little easier to ignore the tugging at my heart.

The next month, the counseling center was overtaken by a different agency. This new agency was one that I could not work under with a clear conscience. So I planned to not ask for re-hire through them and draw unemployment for a few months while job searching again. I also applied for my Substitute Teacher certification. The 3rd week of August, I was called to sub, and thus began a huge part of my life...but that's a different story! The last day of August, I felt that tug about NLDC so strongly that I couldn't really deny it. So I spoke to my parents and my pastor, called the NLDC office and began the application process. I sent my paperwork in the first week of September and waited and waited. I called the office and they said they'd lost my pastor's recommendation, but other than that, I was probably in. So on Wednesday, Sept 11, my pastor got the phone call & when I stopped by his house, he said "yeah, you're most likely in"! On Thursday, Sept 12, I got a phone call from NLDC Homebase. I was accepted & expected to report to Cleveland, TN on Sunday. That Sunday -- September 15th! AGH!! Talk about short notice!!

So I began choosing clothes "bring all seasons of clothing because you don't know which region of the nation you'll be assigned to" that fit into ONE medium suitcase. Yeah, one suitcase for 4 months! I had to raise mission support, so the Friday I sent out letters to every church and basically every Christian I knew! I had enough money in my checking account to pay the initial joining fee, but that was about it. And though the drama co paid for food and transportation, I still needed money for essentials (soap, shampoo, sodas @ gas stations, etc.) On Sunday morning, I shared with my church that I would be leaving that afternoon and be back for Christmas. I came home, had lunch with my parents and sister, and then I got into my car & drove to Cleveland, TN.

I listened to worship music the whole time (that I wasn't talking to my mom on my cell phone haha). I remember thinking..."I know NOTHING about acting! Maybe they'll let me be the person that runs the music for different skits. Maybe I'll be on a team that's big enough that I won't have to be in many skits! I have NO idea what I'm getting into!"

I was in my car, following a dream that God had recently put into my heart that I really did not understand. All that I did understand was this: God was calling me, and I had NO peace until I followed. And though I was nervous, scared and anxious for that whole trip, I still had the peace of God in my heart....and I knew that was all I needed.

Whew! Another holiday season is over...

The holiday season has now passed! Whew! It's almost as though I'm hearing a collective sigh throughout the region! haha I know that I'm not alone when I say that this holiday season seemed to be the longest, most exhausting. I've had well-meaning people tell me that it's because Mom wasn't here, but that's honestly not it. I can't pinpoint it, but other people have shared this comment...and they haven't lost loved ones. It was just a long and stressful season.

I'm pretty sure I know what the problem was for me. I fell back into trying to please people. I found myself more than once (or twice or 20 times) thinking "will this make so & so happy? will he/she be angry if I don't do this? I hope I don't disappoint anybody!" Ahh, there's the root of it! People-pleasing is all about not wanting to disappoint others. And while I'm not advocating that we purposefully disappoint people...I know that I need to remember that there's only One whose opinion and approval of me counts! I think that's why the season was so long for me...I forgot to ask Jesus what would make Him pleased with me. I genuinely love people and want to see them happy, but I let my priorities get out of whack!

Now I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. They are almost always goals that are way too stinkin' high and unattainable. And that's what makes us become discouraged so quickly that we just give up rather than keep trying. So I'm not planning any resolutions for New Year's. I am, though, working to re-train my focus again.

I need for my focus to not be on myself or even others during this season. I feel that this is a season in which God is really calling me unto Himself. No, this doesn't mean I can quit taking care of my dad or stop talking to people altogether. What it does mean, though, is that I need to work on my priorities. If He's not my #1 priority, nothing else will be right. He has to be the foundation. Anything that's built on an unstable or cracked foundation will surely be destroyed. So no matter how many wonderful things I may do - even in His name, will crumble if He's not the foundation. So that's what I'm striving for...to put God first and foremost in a way I've not done yet. Not so much a New Year's resolution, but a daily (and sometimes momentary) resolution. And really, when I remember how much He loves me, how much He desires to spend time with me, to impart to me what He's feeling and what He's thinking....it makes it so much easier to remember to spend time with Him!

My New Friend, Carol

So, the night before my birthday, I was a bit down. I was missing my mama a lot. Of all the previous birthdays I'd had, I had never spent one not with her. So yeah, I was missing her.

It was a Saturday night, which meant I was just leaving worship & prayer at the River of Life (my church body in Cisne). Another lady & I were getting ready to go to our cars when we heard someone yell "Hey, River of Life people, would one of you come over here?" Since Tina's daughter was having a sleepover & she had both little gals with her, I told her to go on home & I'd go over to speak with the lady. She asked if our church was affiliated with IHOP-KC (which we're not, but a lot of us go there often & stay plugged in), so this started a new friendship for me!

She told me that since she lived across the street from our meeting place, she'd been meaning to attend, but just hadn't felt like it. Then she asked if we would put her on our prayer list because of her cancer. I told her if she'd tell me how to open the gate, I'd do one better & pray with her right then. So I went up to where she was sitting on her front porch to go pray with her. I had this feeling within me, but I asked anyway "What kind of cancer do you have that we are praying against?" She answered "stage 4 ovarian cancer".

I already knew it just from looking at her, and the feeling within my spirit. And she confirmed it with that answer. I had a moment - it was really only a second or two - that felt like an eternity. The thoughts were racing through my mind "Really, God? You send me to this stranger's house to pray for her healing of ovarian cancer? Really? After we prayed for almost 3 years for my mom (the SAME cancer) and she didn't get healed on Earth? Really, God? Is this a joke?" All of that was within one second. The next thing I knew, I heard God answering "Yes, really. Your job is to pray and believe that I'm God and I'm going to complete My will. I'm not asking you to heal her, just pray for her. And remember that whatever the outcome, I'm with You just as I always have been". That's a lot of stuff, but it really did happen within a blink or two of the eye.

So, she sent me into her house to get oil, I anointed her head & we prayed. We prayed and prayed. God just came over the both of us as I laid hands upon her head and belly. God was SOO there in the midst! His presence was so strong! The Holy Spirit gave both of us such a sweet peace. So, after we prayed, she asked me to sit down and chat with her. I didn't have anywhere to be since it was 9:30 on a Saturday night, so I did. We talked & talked - basically sharing each other's life stories! She asked why I seemed so familiar with ovarian cancer, so I told her about my mom. I felt kinda bad, like "yeah, we prayed for my mom too and she's dead now, but I'm gonna keep praying for you too". That's the awesome thing that God reminded me, though. He doesn't ask me to go around healing people. He asks me to pray for them. Healing is His job, which He pours out as He sees fit. As Misty Edwards said "At the end of the day, some people get healed, some people don't. God is sovereign and gets to choose, we just have to deal with it."

Carol & I sat there talking on her front porch until 12:30AM - meaning it was my birthday! We are such kindred spirits. Just our experiences in life, the way the Lord has shown Himself to us, the paths He's taken us on. We were instant friends. She's a little older than my mom. And as I got into my car to drive home, I realized it was my birthday....and that meeting Carol was a gift God had given me. I still missed my mama, but the ache wasn't so strong. God had reminded me that He never leaves us nor forsakes us...He is our Provider. And, He's a good, good God who loves to bless His children!

Over the past couple of months, Carol's cancer came out of remission. So she's back to doing chemo and such. I just talked to her this afternoon and, bless her heart, she's so weak, so can only talk on the phone for a few minutes. Her lungs keep filling up with fluid (ovarian cancer cells produces ascites - fluid). She's going Monday to have a chest tube put in to drain the fluid on the lung. She also said they're bringing in a hospital bed to help her with getting up and down, and she's not allowed to stay by herself because she's so weak and short of breath.

Please pray for Carol. She reminds me of my mama in that she has such a strong faith in the Lord. She knows - and is at peace with knowing - that at any moment, God could choose to heal her body, or take her home, whichever is within His plan. I will continue to pray for her until God heals her, because that's what He's asked of me. The way He chooses to heal her is up to Him, but I know what my job is. Please pray with me for, not only her healing, but for strength, comfort and peace. Thanks!!

Single forever?

There are lots of times in my life that I don't mind being single. I really don't. I have even written before about the privileges and advantages that I'm aware I have as a single adult. And I truly believe that there are lots of perks to my singleness!

And I don't want to be one of those gals who is constantly pining away for a husband. In fact, most of my friends would tell you that's not really my style. However, there are those days...those days when you find out that friends are pregnant, engaged or even in a new relationship. Friends that were the ones everyone expected to stay single forever. And those days...well those days sting a little bit. It's not that you wish ill on your friends, exactly the opposite. Because you know better than anyone how excited they are to finally find someone even though they're over 30! I can relate to those friends much better than our friends who started dating in high school. But there's still something about it that causes a little sting. I used to think it was jealousy, but I don't think that's really it. I think it's just the sting that comes with being offended at God. The moment of "why are You withholding something this good from me, but not anyone else?" And you know as soon as those words come out of your mouth (or your heart if it be the case), you know that is not the truth. You know that God is a good God who only has good and perfect gifts to give you. You work to make your heart and your brain work together to get this knowledge to stick to your innermost thoughts....for the millionth time!

I have to make myself remember that I'm not God. I'm probably one of those people that everyone expects to stay single...and maybe God will shock them (and me) by sending someone into my life one day! Maybe He'll use my singleness in even more awesome ways that He has thus far. And maybe He'll just continue to do what He's promised and stick by my side, hold my hand and carry me when I need it! Yep, I know He'll do that for sure!