We brought Mom home on Hospice last Monday (11/16). They increased her morphine by doubling her hourly base rate and also increased the number of breakthrough hits she could get. It took a few days for her body to adjust to the increased rate, so she mostly slept until Friday night/Saturday morning. There have been less than a handful of times that she's voiced her pain rate being above a 5 since the increase...and that's amazing considering the past 3-4 weeks, I've heard her answer 9, 10, 10+ and even one time, she told them her pain level was a 30. I'm sooo thankful for morphine to give her relief from the pain. The vomiting, however, has not slowed any. Anything that she swallows comes back up. The nurse has told me that as long as Mom is still taking in liquids & having some output, that stage could maintain for weeks & weeks. Friday night, Mom became more alert and stayed that way through Monday night. She's SOO thirsty....it's been 3-4 weeks of nonstop vomiting now. So, she asks for a drink....you say Mom, why don't we try ice chips or sips? No, she wants a drink, so you give her a drink knowing that it's going to come right back up within seconds to minutes.
It's so hard to watch someone that you love so much suffer like that, but my mom....my mom is amazing. A week & a half ago, God gave me a special gift! Daddy was asleep & I had told Mom I was going to bed, so she didn't know I had walked back into her room. She was in the middle of retching all that was within her and God let me hear her pray to Him. Oh, I can never describe the preciousness of that moment! I overheard my mom say "God, I don't know why I'm so sick. I know that You said Jesus' blood paid for my healing. And I know that You could choose to take all of this cancer any minute. I don't know why You haven't chosen to heal me. But I want You to know that I love You & I trust You that You have a plan & know what is best. OK, I just wanted to tell You that" :) :) I've never had more of a "I want to be just like my momma" moment!! Oh what faith!
No doctors or nurses have told us how long they think Mom will be with us, which is fine because I probably wouldn't put much stock in any time limits they give -- she's outlived too many of them already! I do believe if God does not choose a miraculous healing on Earth (well, miraculous to us at least), it won't be long. There are just certain biological truths that I've lived through with both grandparents and other family & friends. Eventually, if no other systems shut down, Mom will quit requesting drinks & taking in fluids. Then for a while, sometimes up to 16+ days, her body will pull all of the fluids from her cells causing her to eventually dehydrate to death.
Mom has been mostly sleeping since Monday night, when I gave her a nausea/anxiety pill before bed. I'm praying that I made the right decision in giving her that pill. She was just so agitated that the nurse & I wanted her to be able to rest. When she hasn't really woken up much for the past 24 hours, I have those moments of "oh, you've done it now!" I had that sadness of "what if she doesn't wake up again? what if I don't get to have another coherent conversation with her?" And though the thoughts of those things make me sad, it's OK. According to all of her doctors, my mother's cancer was advanced enough when they found it, that she's been "miraculously living" for more than 2 years now! That means I've had 2 more years than Satan intended for me to be able to tell my mom how much I love her, admire her, look up to her and respect her. I've had 2 more years to hear her tell me that she loves me. I've had extra time just to share my heart with my mom...time that Satan intended to steal, but God didn't let him! Oh what a good God we serve!!
I realized Sunday that this Thursday is Thanksgiving. I was thinking over past Thanksgivings...most with my family, but some spent across the nation & across the world. Many times over, I've realized being thankful is a matter of choosing a perspective of looking at things. I was thinking today how many deaths and illnesses in my family, as well as just plain hard times, have fallen near Thanksgiving. And to my flesh, those times stink! I could choose to be bitter & say that I have no reason to give thanks. But I know that is nowhere near true! I remember last year Thanksgiving week at church, my pastor asked us to voice what we were thankful for. Everyone was giving answers aloud, except me. I kept sitting there thinking "Dummy, you should be saying you're thankful your mom is alive!" Yet, the answer that came out of my mouth was "I am thankful for my mom's health improving and the start of restoration that I am seeing in her. But even more than that, I am thankful that if the outcome had been different and I was without a mother, I am thankful that my God has been faithful to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me." I am so thankful for the family, friends & family-friends that God has placed in my life! I am thankful for the wonderful example of following Christ my parents & grandparents have given me! I am thankful for so many things, yet my answer from last year still rings out. I am above all else thankful that my God is faithful to His promises...He has been our Provider, our Comforter, our Healer, our Savior, our Strength, our Peace, our everything! If we had nothing else for which to be thankful, it is more than enough that our God always is who He says He will be!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
When there's no more chemotherapy....
Mom had her last chemo treatment 3 weeks ago. She didn't get the full treatment because she had a bad allergic reaction and went into shock. The oncologist said we'd have to discuss other drug options at our next appointment (Nov 4th). The week after the treatment, Mom started having a horrible time with vomiting. She got IV fluids a few days and that seemed to help for a few hours, then she would be sick again. Mom got worse with her vomiting on Monday, so we saw the oncologist Monday night. He told us then that Mom's cancer is growing and there are no more chemotherapy options. I think we kinda knew that already, but when you hear it confirmed by the doctor, it's still a kick in the gut.
Mom had a CT scan done last Friday and when they looked at that, they saw fluid on her left lung. So Tuesday morning, she had a thoracentesis done and they drained about a liter of fluid off, so she's breathing a lot better now. They also noted on the scan that she has a hernia near her ileostomy site. The doctors think that could be the cause of her vomiting since they don't really see any tumors pushing on her stomach or bowel. The surgeon told us Tuesday that it was completely up to Mom whether or not she wanted to have the hernia repaired, and we have no guarantee that doing the surgery will stop the vomiting. She decided that it's worth it to have the surgery done. Actually her words were "well, if I only live a week or two after the surgery, if it can possibly keep me from vomiting for my last week or two, it'll be worth it."
So, we have an appointment with the surgeon tonight (Thursday) and if he still thinks the surgery is an option, she will most likely be having surgery done on Friday and at least a day or two stay in the hospital afterwards. We are aware this won't make her cancer go away, but if it improves her quality of life at all, in my opinion at least, it's worth it. She has been losing 5-8 pounds a week on average, and she's losing it by not keeping food down. It's hard enough watching her go through it, I'm sure it has to be harder to be the one living it.
The oncologist said that if the vomiting doesn't stop, she might have 2 months left. If the surgery stops the vomiting, she will have longer. Now, I know quite a bit about biology and medicine. I know that cancer kills. I know that when it keeps growing and can't be killed off by chemo drugs, it will eventually kill the person. I know this, and I'm sure you do too. But, I know something else that many of you know. God is soo much bigger than all of this. So, until Mom is healed, I'm going to continue to petition and intercede on her behalf for her healing. I'm standing on the promises that her healing has been bought. That "by His stripes we are healed". God is not man that He can lie. And if He says that He is Jehovah Rapha, then I'm believing Him and holding Him to His Word (which He never fails to keep). My mother will be healed, of this I have no doubt. The part I don't know is whether it will be this side of life or when she enters eternity. But I do know that one of those times, she WILL be healed. So until she draws her final breath in this life, I will be praying for her healing!
Please remember her during the surgery and in the time to come. Her spirits are still very high and her sense of humor is wonderful...she's a lot like both of her parents, so I suspect those 2 things will remain with her until the very end. God has so amazingly kept His promise to never leave us or forsake us, and I'm so thankful that He's been reminding us of that moment by moment, that He's here in the midst of it all! So thank you all so much for praying, it's sooo incredibly appreciated. We have definitely felt lifted up by them!
I'll post more when I have more news to share!
Mom had a CT scan done last Friday and when they looked at that, they saw fluid on her left lung. So Tuesday morning, she had a thoracentesis done and they drained about a liter of fluid off, so she's breathing a lot better now. They also noted on the scan that she has a hernia near her ileostomy site. The doctors think that could be the cause of her vomiting since they don't really see any tumors pushing on her stomach or bowel. The surgeon told us Tuesday that it was completely up to Mom whether or not she wanted to have the hernia repaired, and we have no guarantee that doing the surgery will stop the vomiting. She decided that it's worth it to have the surgery done. Actually her words were "well, if I only live a week or two after the surgery, if it can possibly keep me from vomiting for my last week or two, it'll be worth it."
So, we have an appointment with the surgeon tonight (Thursday) and if he still thinks the surgery is an option, she will most likely be having surgery done on Friday and at least a day or two stay in the hospital afterwards. We are aware this won't make her cancer go away, but if it improves her quality of life at all, in my opinion at least, it's worth it. She has been losing 5-8 pounds a week on average, and she's losing it by not keeping food down. It's hard enough watching her go through it, I'm sure it has to be harder to be the one living it.
The oncologist said that if the vomiting doesn't stop, she might have 2 months left. If the surgery stops the vomiting, she will have longer. Now, I know quite a bit about biology and medicine. I know that cancer kills. I know that when it keeps growing and can't be killed off by chemo drugs, it will eventually kill the person. I know this, and I'm sure you do too. But, I know something else that many of you know. God is soo much bigger than all of this. So, until Mom is healed, I'm going to continue to petition and intercede on her behalf for her healing. I'm standing on the promises that her healing has been bought. That "by His stripes we are healed". God is not man that He can lie. And if He says that He is Jehovah Rapha, then I'm believing Him and holding Him to His Word (which He never fails to keep). My mother will be healed, of this I have no doubt. The part I don't know is whether it will be this side of life or when she enters eternity. But I do know that one of those times, she WILL be healed. So until she draws her final breath in this life, I will be praying for her healing!
Please remember her during the surgery and in the time to come. Her spirits are still very high and her sense of humor is wonderful...she's a lot like both of her parents, so I suspect those 2 things will remain with her until the very end. God has so amazingly kept His promise to never leave us or forsake us, and I'm so thankful that He's been reminding us of that moment by moment, that He's here in the midst of it all! So thank you all so much for praying, it's sooo incredibly appreciated. We have definitely felt lifted up by them!
I'll post more when I have more news to share!
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